She needs space- Detailed explanation

[catfish1199]

Hello all. I came here because I am broken down and dont know where else to turn. I will try to be as thorough as possible so I can hopefully get as good advice as possible. Here we go.

Me and my Fiance have been together since college for 7 years now, will be 8 in december. We have lived together for 4 years. We are not married, but I proposed a year ago, and she was extremely excited. Recently, s(last year or so) she has been having anxiety issues and she has had panick attacks. We seem to both be happy with each other, I know I am happy with her. However, we both arent where we want to be in our lives. We are both college grads, and we are still in the Bar/Restaurant industry, and have both thought about going back to school.

So a couple of months ago, she broke down crying, when we ere drunk, and she told me that she had kissed another guy. A couple of times. It happened when drinking, she said she was sorry, and said she needs to see a counselor. She didnt know why it happened.. I sucked it up and put it behind us.

We were set to go to Mexico for vacation and for a friend's wedding. The night before, she got in a wreck when she was drinking. She didnt get hurt or arrested, which was good, but it seemed to set her off. We went on vacation and we had a great time, but I knew there was something between us. I knew when we got back, that things would materialize.

Sure enough, the day after we got back, she went to stay with a friend. She said that she needed some space, and needed some time to find herself. She also told me that she had kissed him again after she told me about the first time. I know that this doesnt look good for me, but I am hoping that she just needs to take a step back and look at her life and get herself in a place where she is happy again. To look at her reckless behavior and get back on track. She even said after her wreck, that she thought she was turning into her father who was a severe alcoholic, and that she didnt know who she was anymore. I just hope that everything we have together isnt all lost. I hope she doesnt want to throw it all away. We truly are happy when we are together and we enjoy eachother every minute, which is why this is so confusing.

It has been a week now., and I have sent her two emails, to make sure she knows exactally how I feel. I got a response that seemed to be written by her friend, but from her blackberry. (blackberry puts a stamp on emails). It was very general. It just said thank you for the sweet emails and that she needs this time to do some soul searching and that she hopes I am doing the same. She said she is processing her thoughts and she will let me know when she is ready. She said "I love you".

About 70% of the things I have read about "needing space" point to "its over". But I am just hoping that she has so many things weighing down on her that she needs this space to figure herself out and not trying to figure out how to tell me its over.

Thank you in advance for the advice, I will be answering questions to get quality responses.

[purplegirl350]

I didn't quite catch why she's been acting like that. Why is she being anxious and drinking so much?
Because from your explanation that seems to be where the problem is coming from.

[starbuck]

Honestly, she sounds like she needs rehab. Especially since she got into a car wreck because of her drinking and already voiced the fear that she may be turning into an alcoholic. I don't think you're going to have a healthy relationship with her until she gets the alcohol problem under control.

Is there any way she'd be open to you suggesting rehab? Once she's sober then you'll both be in a better state to work on the relationship.

[catfish1199]

OK, well, she asked to meet me at the park today. The results werent good, as I thought they wouldnt be. Here is what she said. And please keep in mind, that there has never been any infidelity until just recently and there was always good feelings between us. We were always excited to see each other and were always fun loving spirits when together. However, she said that we cant let the good things cloud the bad things like we have been. She said that the simple fact that she had feelings towards someone else for the first time in 8 years, was a sign that something was wrong. She obviously has made her decision, that we cant be together because we need to grow and find ourselves, and we cant do that while we are in this relationship. She feels like we are holding each other back, because we both arent moving in the right direction. I agreed that we need this to grow, and get on track, but I dont think it should be so definitive. She is so sure, that she said she was going to call me this week to begin dealing with things like our house lease and figuring out how to split paths. I said that I couldnt believe that she didnt even want to try to work through this together. And she said that we have been holding things back for so long and that it was too late for her.

She said maybe, who knows what the future has, there will be something of us, but she kept stressing the need for us to be apart and to be individuals and for us to set goals and grow as people. I was reaching for anything so I asked if she had thoughts like I do about maybe us being together again in the future. She said a little bit but not anytime soon. I said so its a little bit and not zero? and she said NOT ZERO. I told her that I will probably use that as a driving force and that I will always have faith that we will be again. It will not hurt my growth, but help it.

She kept saying "you will be OK without me". and "how do you know we are soul mates, we dont really know who we are right now" and "youve got to get out there and make more friends adn be able to open up to people". By the way, we share alot of the same friends and we are both the type to not be very open with our problems to other people.

I asked if she still had feelings of giddyness and excitement toward me like I had for her, and she said not as much.
I asked if the reason she isnt as attracted to me as much anymore, was because of what I have done with my life so far (and that is not really striving for anything, just kinda rollin with my Bar job and not making much money. And she said yes.
Basically her feelings for me have changed because we have become too comfortable, and we both need to this to be able to get anywhere in life. I know she does, because she isnt happy about being in the job she is in either.

I told her I couldnt believe she is willing to close the door and lock it on everything we have togetrher, and she said it isnt locked. Should that be encouraging to me?

It was a sobbing fest on both of our parts. She really seemed like she wanted to go our separte ways, at least while we get ourselves in check, but it seems so strange because we have so much good between us. I mentioned that, and she said, maybe we just focused on that part and werent really honest with ourselves that we needed something different.

I should also mention, that she said that she is tired of taking care of everyone else, and not herself. She works alot and takes care of her poor mom and sister, and her craxy ass brother. And I think she feels like she takes care of me, which I know she does. And she said she doesnt feel like she is appreciated for that.

I dont think she needs rehab. She drinks just as much as anyone else in the industry we are in, and maybe the panic attacks and anxiety are from the fact that she is not happy with me as well as where she is at in life. Maybe I should at least propose that she try rehab, she isnt the type to get angry over that.

So, at this point, I have lost her. I just need some advice as to how to act around her the next couple of times we see each other, like whe we are dealing with our lives that are so intertwined. SHould I be sad, and still trying to make her feel like we should not be so shut of? Or should I act like I am completely OK with this and I cant wait to start my new life without her?

And my second question is about the future. I know I want her in my life, so what are the chances that when I do get my stuff together, and I am actually on a path to success and an independant person, that she will be attracted to me again, and we maybe will be able to start fresh and start dating? I know she never lost physical attraction, or her love for me. She told me that was the case. She did say the door wasnt locked, but she definitely wants to us to go in our separate ways for now.

[MavViper]

to be honest, it does sound like she has a drinking problem. Just because she works in the Bar/Restaurant Industry doesn't make it right for her to drink to the point where she drives drunk. My mom was/is an alcoholic and never did that.

She needs to go to rehab for sure, I've had to have a loved one go to rehab before (my mom). You cant force her to go, she has to hit rock bottom and realize she needs to go. And sadly it looks like her rock bottom isn't right now.

As far as how you should react. I can give you a suggestion. Obviously it's going to hurt and to show that it doesn't is rather absurd. It's going to hurt, no doubt about it and you can show it too. But don't let it consume you at all. You would need to deal with the hurt in order to get over it.

[catfish1199]

Thanks. ABout how to act...
I meant how to act towards her. Like when we are talking about how to break our lives apart. We have everything together. SHould I continue to tell her things that show that I feel like we will be able to be together soon? Or the opposite? Some say that somehow acting like you are over it alot quicker than you should be, makes a woman a little uncomfortable, and kinda reignites that chase instinct they have.

[MavViper]

well as far as acting towards her when you discuss how to break your lives apart, I wouldn't advise you continually tell her things that reflect that you think you 2 will be together again. I think that would push her away even more than she is right now. When you discuss that stuff just be cool and calm and dont overreact and go into saying things like that you know you 2 will be together in the future, etc.

[IndiReloaded]

Honestly, I think *you* should get some counselling. Being in a relationship w/an addict personality is very damaging. I'm certain, just from your posts, that you have taken some hits from this gal and you are probably codependent on her. Really unhealthy, I cannot overemphasize this.

Whatever happens w/your relationship (not good, I'm afraid) I think you need to do this for yourself. And, truly, if you do stay broken up from this gal I think it could be a very good thing for you.

Take care.

[catfish1199]

I know we both need some couseling, if not just from this break up. And we are very codependant on eachother, and that is what caused her feelings to change for me I think. By the way, I drink quite a bit as well, but thats just what we do with our friends. It is hard to escape in the indusrty we work in. It doesnt feel like alcoholism is the driving force in this. I think it is becoming too comfortable, not making progress in fife itself, and being dependant. You say I have probably taken some hits from this girl, and I am likely damaged. Well, the truth is, I havent. We have never been on the rocks. We have never fought hard core, just silly stuff. She is the kind of person who would never want to hurt anyone and would do anything for anyone. Trust me, she has the sweetest soul of any human. She even recognized that it is one of the things she has to change, is that she is always there to help, support, and take care of everyone all the time, and she doesnt take care of her self, and she doesnt feel appreciated for that.

By the way, is it a bad idea to see the same counselor, just not at the same time?

[misombra]

how old are you guys?

[catfish1199]

I am 27 and she will be 27 in December. We have been together since were 20.

That brings up another interesting question. What should I do for her birthday if anything?

[dave0087]

I think she's going through some sort of crisis. She's realizing
that she hasn't done much with her life and thinks your the
reason why. Fact is if she wanted to do something i doubt you
would have held her back.

Give her space let her work it out completely separate yourself
from her for a couple of months let her see life without but keep
telling her that your only letting her go to find her self and you
understand and support her. most probable case you will get back
together when she's calmed down and accepted her life.

[catfish1199]

I really hope that is the case. I really hope that when she gets her shit together and I get mine together and show that I am not so dependant on her, then she will begin to have those old feelings for me again. I am not really being optimistic about it though because of the things she said during our conv. Things like "you will be OK without me" and "we cant be in this relationship and better ourselves." "you need to move forward, and take care of yourself" Not very encouraging.

[lesa]

Give her the space and in the meantime take care of yourself. Do things to improve yourself.

[catfish1199]

I am already on my way. I am going back to school for my second bachelor's in an area that I originally wanted to it to be in. I am also hunting a particular job that I know will be complimented by my degree plan. I have been doing some soul searching and realized that I had become a differnet person because I didnt know where i wanted my life to go. I didnt know because I wasnt honest with myself. I think that caused me to be unambitious and less open with her, and eventually that let to her being less attracted to me. I just wrote her a good fat letter explaining the results of my soul searching, but I need to make sure it is exactly what I want to say to her.