The story of my life, help me win her back. (Very long).

[alter_ego]

Hello everyone!

I'm 28 y/o software developer from Sweden and I really need your help to get back together with my ex.

Here's my story:

I was only 21 and she was 25 y/o when we met through a summer job. We were both students and lived in different cities approximately 200 miles apart, so she wanted to end our relationship after the summer. I convinced her no to do that and I promised her that I would come and visit her every other weekend. And I did, I had a crappy old car that I drove to her every other weekend for one and a half year. When she was done with her studies she moved in with me in my small 1 room apartment (only 25 m2).

We lived there for about three years, during these years I never managed to get my degree and I only got jobs that payed minimum wages. We never had any money, so my parents had to help us out every month. Still I did everything that I could to keep her happy. And I believe that she was happy. She proposed to me a few times, but I thought that I was too young and I knew that I could not afford to buy her a ring. So even though I knew that she was the one I was going to marry, I had to turn her down and every time I promised her that I would marry her in a few years when I had managed to get my life in order (job, economy and so on).

One day she got fired from her job so we both decided that we would move to a bigger town and start over and build a new better life. So we moved and got new jobs. We were still poor and after six months I got over stressed and became depressed. She left me shortly there after. She changed her number, MSN, email address and left me with no means to get in touch with her. We had been a couple for about 5 years at that point.

After 2 months I sent a letter to her parents asking them to pass it on to her. In that letter I told her how much I loved her and asked her to come back. She wrote back and said no, that I couldn't give her the life she wanted. I wrote back in desperation and begged her to come back. The response I received was very cruel.

I was knocked out for six months and had to move back in with my parents. I started taking some courses and finally got my degree. I got a job as a software developer who pays well, I started to exercise on a regular basis and managed to turn my life around. I was making more money than I had ever had before and things were falling in place.

After one year I had bought a house and something that I always wanted but couldn't afford, a brand new BMW. I had always thought that the day that I would buy my first new BMW would be a very happy day in my life.

I drove around for a while, but I couldn't keep my self from crying. I was lonely, I wanted to share the joy of having a nice car with her. I still missed her. All of the things that I had achieved seemed pointless if I couldn't share it with her.

Once again I wrote her a letter, I told her that I missed her company and I told her about all the things that had happened in my life, the degree, new job, new house, new car. I told her about all the new tricks that "our" dog had learned. And I told her how much she meant to me and that I wanted us to be friends. I asked her to write back and tell me about her life. I received a letter where she told me that I needed to get help.

That made me very sad and angry, so I packed all the gifts, pictures, love letters etc that she had given me over the years in a big box and gave it to her parents. I gave her back every thing that she had given me (except the dog).

I few weeks later I received a letter from her. She thanked me for giving her the stuff and said that I was very important to her. That coming over me was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. She also said that she felt very sad about how wrong things have gone between us since the break up. That I was one of the kindest people that she had met and that she wished me all the best.

My response to her was both angry and cruel. After that she emailed me, saying that she would meet me and offered me a chance to talk things through. It's now almost 2 years since we broke up.

We couldn't agree on the terms on how we would talk, she wants to have a third party present. I want to talk to her in private. Things stalled for a few weeks. So one day I emailed her and asked her to call me. She called and we talked for 3 hours and we decided to talk again. We have talked a few times over the phone but we still haven't had the talk about us breaking up.

I still love her very much and I know that she is the one that I want to spend my life with. But it feels like that she tries so hard to keep her distance, not to come too close. Why??? I just want to make her happy, I want to give her all the things that I promised her before but couldn't afford. I want to take her to concerts, travel and do all the other things that we said that we would do but never got the chance to do.

How do I proceed? How do I ask for a second chance without scaring her off? Why is she trying so hard to keep a distance?

Any tips are greatly appreciated.
/Alter Ego

[katya]

I don't know. She was probably not as serious about the relationship as you were, I am sorry to say. I am really sorry to hear that something like this is happening to somebody, especially with a person that they cared for so much.

[alter_ego]

Anyone else?
Any piece of advice would be greatly appreciated!

[ecojeanne]

maybe she is with someone else...

i feel bad for you i have to say. I can see that you are heart broken and i also can understand why. You spent a long time with this girl.

She was in a hurry to get married and didnt stick around. If she was to change her mind and come back to you i think you might find there are things you forgot about her that you didn't like and still don't like.

I don't think she would stick around through the tough times. A partner to marry is a partner who will stick around through thick and thin. she showed that she's not that kind of person.

You are fullfilled with your life materialistically and you want her back to fill the gap of love. You should look for someone else who will love you and have faith in you. It's best for you if you move on from her because even if she was to change her mind (which is unlikely) she ultimately is not loyal and has no faith in you.
i'm sorry

[alter_ego]

ecojeanne:

Thank you for your post. I actually prefer honesty instead to being told what I want to hear.

She was single and have just recently met someone, but it's mostly a physical relationship and I don't think that it's going to last judging from what I've heard.

That is why I want to improve my relationship with her, become friends, so that I at least could have chance to get together with her again.

[IndiReloaded]

It doesn't sound to me like she wants to get back with you. From her perspective, she has moved on and considers you her past.

I am concerned that she has told you to seek help & that she will not meet w/you except in the presence of a third person. This suggests to me that you may be acting somewhat stalkerish? Certainly the fact you are so hung up on her after 2 years says you are probably obsessive about the relationship, particularly when she has been clear that things are over between you.

Any ideas why she might have said those things to you?

[ecojeanne]

indi that was my first thought, but she was desperate to get married and was with him for 5 years. It is understandable that he is still in love with her and it is also believable that she is angry and trying to hurt him because she feels justified.

If the relationship had been shorter i might then have thought there was a stalker element. But i believe that he has reached his success and now wants love and understandably wants her back because he loved her and had 5 years with her. Thats a huge loss.

[alter_ego]

Indi:

I don't believe that I've been stalking her not that I am stalker her right now. Obviously no stalker would admit stalking if confronted, but in order to stalk, one would need to pursuit contact repeatedly.I have been pursuing contact with her, but not in the sense of stalking.

For the first period after the breakup, say up to 1 month, she would call me 5 to 10 times each day crying and I would comfort her. By being there and comforting her, I unknowingly helped her to "move on". I only asked her to comfort me once and she refused, that was about 6 months after the brake up. From that day up to when I left the box with the stuff from her at her parents place, I have emailed her about three times, about six months between each e-mail. That's not stalking i my book.

I don't know why she told me to seek canceling, she has said and done other things that have been amazingly cruel and hurtful to me. There were some events that took place the day that she refused to comfort me witch among other things eventually lead me to "break up" with my best friend that I had known for over ten years.

The reason of why she wants to have a third party present is that we have two completely different views on what happened. I have been very angry with her because of how she has treated me but I've let go to some or most of that anger since the relation between us has improved. She says that she never meant to hurt me, that she only did what she needed to do to protect her self. She doesn't think that she has done anything wrong.

We have talked on the phone a few times and it has been nice...

[alter_ego]

Eco,

Why would she feel justified to hurt me?

It was a great loss for me, she was one my best friend the one person closest to me. Loosing her eventually lead me to break all contact with my best "male" friend.

That six month period where I was completely knocked out and had to live with my parents, was the hardest period in my life. I couldn't take care of my dog so my parents had to take her, I lost a lot of weight from 95 kg (209 pounds) to about 75 kg (160 pounds)and some strains of my hair turned white.

So if her goal was to hurt me, she really succeeded. The events that lead to this is what we have agreed to talk about and its to that conversation that she wants to bring a third party.

[ecojeanne]

Eco,

Why would she feel justified to hurt me?

i reckon it is only because her ultimate goal was to get married (which is unfair to you IMO), she kept asking you to marry her and she didn't care enough to understand the timing. i assume she is now angry because she probably reckons she wasted her time with you. I believe that she cared more about getting married to a successful man than being with you through thick and thin. i don't think you should give her a second chance with you.

I'm sorry

[alter_ego]

i reckon it is only because her ultimate goal was to get married (which is unfair to you IMO), she kept asking you to marry her and she didn't care enough to understand the timing. i assume she is now angry because she probably reckons she wasted her time with you. I believe that she cared more about getting married to a successful man than being with you through thick and thin. i don't think you should give her a second chance with you.

I'm sorry

What you say is probably true, she was very eager to get married and it's not unreasonable to assume that she feels that her time got wasted on me. So most of what you say is probably true.

But her new "boyfriend" is definitely not successful, he has no job and was recently tossed out from his apartment since he couldn't afford to pay rent and had to move back in with his ex that he has a little kid with. He sounds like a loser to me.

Why does being a part of her past prevents me from being a part of her future? I don't see having a past together as a bad thing.

[Henry123]

By being able to live with or without someone makes you an alot more attractive person.

Being too emotionaly needy and clingly tend to scare people away.

If you can demonstrate to her that you are a succesful person and can live with or without her love, she will find you more attractive. This is how you can win her back.

[Henry123]

Work out grow some muscles. Look attractive. Have a good job. Have lots of friends. Be confident. Work on social skills. Work on self if you must (plenty of self improvement books out there).
Have goals in life (with or without her). Develop good leadership qualities. ...and so forth.