4 years and banging heads.

[bomaht]

My wife and I have been together for the last 4 years. We split up about 6 months ago for about a 3 month period. I tried dating one person but it didn't work out. I love my wife very much and decided to move back in with her. I was going to give her the house and everything. However when we were split up she treated me like she actually wanted to be WITH me and WANTED me. Not just in a sexual way, but in a very loving way. So I moved back in and after about 2 weeks it went right back to the way it was before.

She always blows things out of proportion and makes mountains out of mole hills. She's always been an over-bearing person, but i've learned to live with it till it started interfering in our relationship.

Now I know I can't expect help if I don't tell both sides of the story.
There have been 3 different situations when I tried to talk to either old friends who were women or tried to make new women friends.

1. One girl I talked dirty to online but only as a joke, we both knew it and it was nothing more than a JOKE. However this girl approached my wife with a transcript of what was said; and yeah that's not so good.
2. Another girl I grew up with all I did was stop to see her and her grandmother. That's all..... yet my wife thinks it was more than that.

3. Recently there was a girl at work I helped fix her stereo. The other day when my wife was in the store this girl yelled down the isle "I'm going outside." at me. That just happened to be the day I was going to go work on her stereo to get it to work, or at least find out what was wrong. The girl was merely a friend. Now: the part that I messed up on was the girl send me a message on myspace to get on AIM so she could tell me that she got her stereo working(after I told her what to fix). Well i got on there and the girl invited me to see her webcam; there was nothing on it besides the girls face. However about the same time my wife walked into the room, and yeah I think most people here see the picture that is coming from this situation. I have told my wife over and over and over that it was nothing, that we were just friends from work. I told my wife that I would tell the girl that I could not talk to her anymore because it was upsetting my wife; and my wife told me "No, because then she's won." I said "Won, what?" My wife says "She pissed me off, and if she knows that then she's won."

I know this is a long post so i'm going to wrap it up in a sec. but one more part of the story I want to share.

I asked my wife to marry me 3 times before we finally did. Why? I couldn't tell youi why. I love her that much I guess. Now the next part is where some of you will shake your heads at me.

She said yes all 3 times. 2 times she gave the ring back. After the second time I didn't talk to her for about a month. I finally started calling her back. We talked briefly and i told her i'd stay friends with her; and she confided with me on some information about her new boyfriend(as hard as it was to hear, i didn't want to lose a friend i'd had for 4 years prior) On Valentines day I thought i'd be nice and tell her happy V-day. Well she blew me off, over and over that day. Finally i got mad enough I asked what the hell her problem was; and I opened pandoras box by asking "Are you f%$#ing someone or something?" well she blew up and said "Yeah, I f%$#ed him and it was good." I hung up the phone and didn't talk to her for 3-4 months.
Well we started talking again and here is the kicker....i asked her to marry me again after about a year.

She's never apologized for treating me that way. Of course it upset me she was with someone else; but most of all I was lonely and I was trying to be her friend and she did that.

Now with all the things i've done wrong and with her doing that I am not sure if I really want to work this marriage out anymore. She always thinks she is right, and nothing is ever wrong with her. She refused to go to Marriage Counseling, and she thinks something is wrong with me because I am bipolar and take medication. I know I have my problems, but I know where to draw the line.

So that is my life; and my problems. To those of you who read it all, i truly appreciate it; and to those of you willing to reply and maybe give me some insight as to whether this is normal, or just any insight on this at all. i am really considering divorce, but i am afraid of being alone; and i'm afraid that maybe divorce is a bit too serious for this situation. I am only 25 years old, and it just kinda scares me

[IndiReloaded]

No mutual respect, no desire for counselling, no admitting issues on both sides to be worked on.

This relationship was doomed a long time ago. Sorry, but don't beat your head on this wall a second longer. Say goodbye & good luck.

[kene]

Sounds like you're trying to build something on quicksand. Looks like nothing will EVER come easy in your relationship. It'll be full of doubts, mood swings. If you like drama and are masochistic, stay. But I would advise you not to, let alone have kids and bring them into rather dilapidated world.

[bomaht]

we got over this fight, and all for now. but today it's been on my mind a lot.

For some reason though I feel like I am being a horrible person just by leaving. She's done a lot for me and I would feel like I have taken advantage of her.

I know it's not a healthy relationship. But how is it you can love someone so much. Why am I not seeing it the same way you guys are? If someone could just give me some insight onto this.

I feel like there are days when everything is perfect. But I feel like I have messed up the most.
But I also feel like i'm being manipulated to feel this way. I'm a psychology major in college and i kinda see some of the stuff; but then again it's hard to see when love is blind and i'm the one in the relationship.

Please I just want some more feedback on this. Either good or bad.

Was I in the wrong? Was she in the wrong? should I just not point fingers and assume it was a mutual destruction of the relationship?

[Zilla80]

I feel like there are days when everything is perfect. But I feel like I have messed up the most.

Then get your shit straight.

[plexicat]

It sounds to me that your girlfriend is a very jealous girlfriend, and that no matter how many times you try and assure her of your faithfulness, she won't believe you.

Have you ever considered that her sleeping with someone else was a form of getting back at you? Obviously she doesn't know if you did cheat on her, but maybe she made her own conclusions.

It really sounds like you love her very much, but as you say, love is blind, and one will oversee anything to be with the person one loves. And it doesn't sound like the two of you are good for each other.

I can understand that you are afraid of being alone, who isn't? But to me it sounds like you can do better. And maybe you need some time for yourself to find that person for you.

[misombra]

so a girl sent you a message on myspace, so she could get your messenger address, so she could tell you her stereo worked well?

[IndiReloaded]

Admit you both made a mistake & get divorced before you do something stupid like get pregnant.

You could try counselling if you are determined to at least try all your options, however, it is *much* better to admit a mistake and learn from it than to live a lie & make yourselves miserable. And make your children pay the price of your misery.

Its hard to admit a mistake. Its even harder to live with them, tho.

[iluvlife]

Not sure if your relationship is doomed or not at this point, but it occurs to me that it is important to understand how you spouse looks at things from her perspective and personality.

I recently downloaded a report on understanding your spouses personality and how that will affect your relationship. It was called "Intimate connections: Secrets to understanding your mate". It was really helpful to me to start seeing why my spouse acts the way she does, it's free and you could get it too at LifeTimeWithYou.com.

But, If your spouse's trust is already smashed, you'll have a difficult time even if you can start to understand why she is the way she is. :{

[bluesummer]

All I see on both sides of this relationship is disrespect and distrust, right from the start. Not really the basis for a healthy relationship.

You're still young, I suggest you take this as a lesson learned and move on. You may love her, but it doesn't make you right for each other.

[Zitron]

Your situation rings a bell for me as my fiancee is quite the same in some respects. I mean the patological jealousness (for a lot less than video chatting with someone, even suspected things among me and my female relatives). There is a lot more and I might eventually take the plunge to seek advice here too, but this time I only want to commiserate with you and show you that you are not the only one in such a situation.
I have had to learn it is better to have no real-life female friends. I do have one on the internet who I have been chatting with for 2 years and have met her a few times. No side feelings, plain frienship. Even this has been a fireball in our relationship many times. There is much more, but I am focusing only on the jealousness. It happens and it will not get better. I have been told by almost every member of my family and of my friends to back up and find someone else and I cannot but recommend that you do it. Alas, having similar motives like you, I will probably live along, develop myself a gastric ulcer (already working on it) and have happy times interrupted by moments of complete misery and tendency to run away.
Anyway, I am writing all this to tell you that I can understand you. You can do yourself good by leaving when you still can before more misery takes place or you can grind your teeth and withstand it, but then be prepared for it for the rest of your relationship.
Either way, good luck and be wiser than me

[IndiReloaded]

FWIW, I wouldn't even think to date anyone else until my divorce was a done deal. But I suppose some ppl have huge reserves for drahma such that they can handle more than one relationship? Wow, power to them. I wouldn't have the strength.

[sheri]

All relationships go through rocky periods. Do you feel you did most of the distruction in the relationship? If so, you need to work on yourself before getting into another relationship. Most people just tend to give up and start a new life. Maybe it is not your time now but maybe in someday in the future. Who knows but don't live for tomorrow. Live for today!