The weirdest feeling ever!

[plexicat]

Hi,

I wanted to present my problem to a group of non-biased people, since I wouldn't know how to explain myself to someone who knows me or my boyfriend.

This is the thing: My BF and I have been together for more than 1 and a half year. I love him with all my heart and have done a lot of self sacrifices for our relationship. I moved country which obviously led to leaving my family and friends, and now I'm still in the "integrating" stage and only have a few friends that I barely see.

Anyway, as he is trying to start up his own company whilst having a normal 8-4 job, we've had very little time together in the last year or so. Sure we have tv nights and such, but it's been months since we've actually gone out and had fun together.

For the longest time I've played the part of the supportive and understanding girlfriend, but in that time my BF has also become more and more neglecting. And when we've discussed this issue in the past, he'd be really sweet and attentive for maybe a day or two but then it would all be forgotten again.

The other night the subject came up again. This time (because the involvement of jealousy from his side) he actually took it quite seriously and has really tried to change things around.

But for some reason, a few days ago, I suddenly had this weird feeling going through me. I was sitting beside my BF while he was on his laptop, and for a very brief moment I caught myself questioning my own love for him. Asking if I was truly happy with him. And I didn't know the answer.

I have NEVER doubted my love for my BF before, so I cant understand how that even got into my head!

Has any of you experienced anything like that or is it just me??

Would appreciate any input as I am clueless here...

Thanks guys

[kitty001]

He's neglecting you? You're starting to question your love for him?

Sounds like the beginning of the end, to me..

[doppelgaenger]

Well my girlfriend and I have been discussing moving in with each other, and we also are from two different countries. We both worry about something like this happening.

The first, and most important thing for you, is to get to the bottom of your feelings, and find out whether you really love him, or you are just feeling emotionless from the neglect. You might want to be honest with him that you are having these doubts, because communication is the key to a successful relationship.

When you're sure you love him (you do, you're just unhappy that things aren't they way you'd like them to be) you need to figure out how to be happy with things the way they are:

• make more friends (how have you been trying to make friends?)

• pick up hobbies for yourself, like painting, reading, writing, or something productive.

• get your own job, unless you have one already

Don't you have dreams you would like to accomplish? I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to just sit at home all day like a dog and wait for the man to come home. That would be a very depressing life. You can't just be the supportive girlfriend. You can stroke his ego, you can encourage him to work for his dreams, but you can't be that safety net to catch him only when he needs it. You can't let your life revolve around a person.

And he should be taking you out every now and then. I mean, even one night of the week suffices. If he can't do that, maybe he doesn't have time for a relationship. If he's not really trying that hard to make you happy, then you might want to reconsider the relationship.

And why was he having jealous feelings? Are you trying to make him jealous? That's not very helpful for the relationship.

[plexicat]

First of all, thanks for your input.

I think you are right in the sense that I do love him but have become quite unhappy with the neglectfulness.

If I have to be honest with myself, I have been the supportive and understanding girlfriend for this long because I DO love him and want to see him fulfill his dreams. I guess I have just become one of those women who loose themselves in a relationship, which by the way I never wanted to be.

And yes, I do have my own dreams and I am trying to pursue them. But at the moment, being in a country where I can't even speak the language fluently yet, I get a bit discouraged at times. Hence the fact that I find it hard to say yes to a job that involves a language level that I might not be able to handle. Meanwhile, I handle a lot of work within my BF"s company as there is a lot to do in the beginning stages.

He really has been trying this last week to change things a bit, and we were supposed to have a nice date this last Saturday. But of course, something came up and he had to fly out of the country this weekend. Murphy's Law.

As for the jealousy thing, no I am not trying to make him jealous. I myself have been quite jealous at times which I never used to be. But I guess I just became the product of a cheating ex boyfriend.

The fact is that I hardly go out anymore. I do my studies at home and the work I do for my BF's company also happens at home. So I basically spend all day at home which my BF obviously finds very "safe". We then live in a huge house and my BF's uncle's family lives on the 1st level. And the other day my BF's cousin (male) moved back in.

His cousin and I in these 1 and a half years I've been here haven't really bonded, since he's lived somewhere else with his girlfriend and child. He moved back in because he broke up with his girlfriend. And the day he broke up with her he came to our house where I obviously was home. You can always tell when someone needs to talk, especially when they seek you out even if you're not close. So we talked that day until my BF came home and since then we've just developed a perfectly normal friendship. I mean, we don't even spend a lot of time together.

But for the BF, this obviously is something completely new to him. And he told me he was uncomfortable with the situation (given the fact that his cousin has the reputation of being quite the man whore). I understand him to a certain point, because our relationship HAS been a bit shaky as well. But I only see his cousin as a friend that I can talk to.

Anyway, my BF and I have talked the jealousy thing through. And even though he sometimes gives me these little hints about his cousin and I, I gently brush them away to reassure him of my faithfulness.

[Dasein]

Plexi - which country are you in and what country are you from?

I could understand how moving to a different country, not speaking the language and then having a boyfriend who is absent for most of the time would be difficult with you. You need to speak to him. You have sacrificed a lot for him. The least he can do is listen to you and do something about it.

Doppelganger may be right in the fact that you feel less love due to the lack of attention BUT if it continues it will ultimately drive you away. No one wants to be in a relationship with thin air.

[plexicat]

I'm live in Austria. I'm from Denmark but had lived in Dubai for 5 years when I met my bf.

In the last week or so, he has been better and realized that I'm not just here to comply to his needs. But this process of changing and healing our relationship is not going to be easy. But he does deserve a second chance.

I agree with you Dasein that if it goes back to the neglectfulness, I will have to consider some major changes, even time apart. But as for now, I'm giving this second chance all I can muster.

[doppelgaenger]

It's good that you are both trying to make this work out, because otherwise the relationship would be doomed to failure. In any case, things work out the way they're supposed to, so if your efforts fail, well, you will be able to move on.

As for learning German (Unless you live in a different part of Austria) your BF and his family should be helping you learn to speak it and write it. In my opinion, German is much easier than English, if you can speak English so well, you won't have a problem learning German. But here are some helpful websites you may wish to visit:

German verb conjugation
[url]http://www.verbix.com/languages/german.shtml[/url]

German dictionary (a really good one)
[url]http://www.dict.cc[/url]

[shh!]

You guys need to schedule a regular "date night" once a week that is not subject to a change in schedule. If you don't have fun together, this relationship is doomed.

[plexicat]

Thanks guys for all your advice. I appreciate it.

Also, doppelgaenger...thanks for the links.