we got into a fight, he said I need to think about it....

[tequierocb]

Sometimes it's hard adjusting....
Lately I've been feeling a bit lost with where we're headed in our relationship. We've gone through some tough things... and we made it through no problem.... but I'm just making excuses....

He's amazing and patient with me... you see I'm only 20 and my experience of relationships with people in general are not extensive nor that pleasant... I'm skittish and well I just hate being hurt... However I know he'd never hurt me on purpose...

Soon it will be our 1 year "anniversary" and it's my longest relationship and I'm just not sure what to do. I'm happy with what we have now, I have such a connection with him that surpasses anything I ever felt in my entire life. SInce I've been with him I've learned so much and I've grown as a person... he changed me, but in a good way. My problem is that I just started making up excuses since we've been fighting constantly... simply because we're different...

I am a very emotional person and he's not... it takes time for him to talk about his feelings. Yesterday I snapped at him, because for the millionth time we were late to something... it was this event downtown and well I called him I told him about it a week before and mentioned it every single day.... the day comes and I call him 2 hours before and tell him the plan, I called him 30 minutes before and told him to get ready... when I arrived he was sitting in his gym clothes playing a game on the computer.... needless to say we were horribly late, we actually missed the event.

I felt so upset because... this is something that really mattered to me... and he never remembers anything I said I wanted... I told him that he said that well...I need to go after what I want and tell him and organize my plans.... but I do go after what I want, I just want him to one day not be selfish and remember me and what i wanted to do without me having to always tell him....
I am a writer I love writing and I email him or write him, because I just really enjoy it... the same way I write to my friends and family... they always answer... but he never does.... we do see each other basically everyday and he doesn't even mention the things I wrote.... and its not like I flood him, I maybe write him once a month....
I know he loves me and he wants to be with me and all that good stuff.... but sometimes I feel a bit neglected...
I always make sure I plan everything perfect for him,
I try to give him what he wants, you know he mentioned once he liked the wii... I got that for him on xmass....
Once we we're out and he mentioned he never had his own camera, he always used the family "common" camera, so on his birthday I got him one.... you know little things like that....
He likes pancakes (where we live its hard to get it) I went out bought a mix to make at home from the USA (which costed me over 7 euros) and maple syrup (an additional 9 euros) just to surprise him with breakfast....

I always bend myself backwards to do what he wants, to get along with his friends, to make sure his family accepts me, to do what he likes.... and I feel like he just settled for that and forgot that he has to reach out for me sometimes....

me so sad...

after our fight he said I should think about it... because its him and his circumstances and his life and if I want I have to adapt to that.....

What do I do?

I just need to vent!
Sorry for this horribly long post....
thanks in advance

[ecojeanne]

feeling 'lost' thats the beginning of the end usually.

you say you're 'only' 20, that indicates you're feeling too much pressure (either by you/him/family), which is probably true. Things at this age are not supposed to be so serious, its a time for experiencing all aspects of life with a view to deciding later what you preferred the most. people who settle too young sometimes feel some regret that they didn't experience life a bit more.

fighting 'constantly' should not be happening and 'making up excuses' is lying to yourself yes? thats really not good. he changed you, how much? maybe this change in you wasn't as natural as you think, these signs could be the real you resisting

ringing someone and 'telling him to be ready' a few times is just going to irritate the person to the point of rebellion. I know i would have ignored you and so maybe he did that on purpose. If you constantly complain about him being late/fogetting/organisation skills...well he and i are both the same. you would irritate me and i would rebel. I would imagine he is doing the same. it may not be a logical thing to do, but you are basically telling him he's useless

you show your work that you are proud of to him and you are looking for praise. when he doesn't praise you, you're not happy. if he wants to praise you let him....or not. if you want more from him, well you want him to change who he is. he may love these stories so making him praise you would just ruin it. he may have just forgotten to tell you. And bear in mind...maybe he thinks your stories suck but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. he may feel really uncomfortable and awkward if you force him to praise you. If you ask for praise....well you won't get it.

you are thoughtful definitely when you buy the things he's mentioned in passing. That is definitely a nice thing. But ultimately they are material things and its not fair to measure the relationship on just that. It is the thought that counts for sure.

you want to be accepted by his friends and family. its important sure, but has this 'changed' you? you need to be comfortable being yourself, politeness of course is important, but make sure when you 'bend over backwards' that you're not being someone else. It should be something you would do because you like to. if you don't like to, then don't.


i think ultimately you're both selfish. you need to really think.... are you both compatible. Loving each other won't carry you through the relationship if you are constantly having fights. and i think you are expecting too much. if he is not the kind of person who does all the things you want/demand then he's not the one for you. demanding something from anyone will get you no-where. it needs to be a mutual understanding

[tequierocb]

I understand what you are saying and yeah Im feeling a lot of pressure, but the thing is, I`m only 20 however things are very serious for me.... I moved out when I was 16 not by choice but because my family just tore apart. I deal fine with that and I make it on my own and I'm pulling my strings to go to school and maintain myself.

I mentioned material things, which is stupid and needless.... but its the detail, remembering, you know.... I just want him to notice me.... its always about him.... I do everything for him because I like to and because I love him, I don't expect him to be like me but I don't know at least some recognition....

Another thing is.... he's 25 last year of college, has never worked, lives with his parents.... I dont see him moving! I dont see him trying hard to do anything, he even once posted in his blog that he doesn't feel an urge to evolve..... he says he will eventually...but that he's okay for now.

I dont get it I've been maintaining myself since I was old enough to earn some bucks to help my mom with rent, I've been on my own since i was 16... I work on a multinational company now in a pretty decent position for someone with no studies... and I earn a decent ammount of money as well.... but its just so annoying that he doesnt do anything if its not handed out on a silver platter......


the changes might not have been natural but it never is when you have to adapt to a new country.... I live in Spain now.. and well that sure as hell is not like Florida.... I mean its just too different...
I get so much pressure and hell I am alone in this world... so I dont need all this shit... but yet I love him and he just completes me....

I dont know.... maybe Im just antisocial and a loner.... maybe I just want him to show more appreciation....

maybe I just complain too much...

[ecojeanne]

he is spanish? as far as i know its very normal for people in the med to live with their parents up until the age of 30.

The boys tend to be mama's boys (big generalisation, but this is something i've noticed, even here in Ireland). You sound very independant. Good for you. He sounds like he's had it too easy. I think at this stage he's not going to change and fighting to change him will end the relationship badly.


You do love him, but are you maybe hanging on to him and his family because you have none in spain?

I can see its very very difficult for you. Ultimately you need to decide what YOU want, and what kind of future you have with this guy.

He may not start thinking about his future anytime soon. But unfortunately you can't force him to either, it has to be a natural decision for him.


And in fairness to you its very difficult to integrate to a new country and culture changes so i don't think that you are neccessarily anti-social but i can imagine it would be very difficult for you.

It may take more time. Enjoy getting to know the culture and if he doesn't make you as happy as you want then the best thing for you is to move on.

[summer2]

Sounds like my relationship I had with my recent X, and as you can see in my post, it didn't work out. Even though I kept bending backwards for years. I finally couldn't do it anymore. Doing extra nice things, and get a mere thanks...It won't be worth it.

Especially when you said you'd see him playing games when he was suppose to be ready, geeze that is my x to a T.

[kitty001]

after our fight he said I should think about it... because its him and his circumstances and his life and if I want I have to adapt to that.....

Lol. YOU have to adapt to HIS life? Is he willing to adapt for yours?

You've made it clear you do a lot for him..what has he done for you?

What makes you want to stay with him? Are you sure it's not just fear of being alone?

As in summer2's case..you'll probably get tired of this nonsense after a while and break up with him.

[tequierocb]

arggg I dont know what to do...
He's super nice...... and seems to be going somewhere....
He did hold on and stay with me when everyone said he shouldnt (this whole im not a family girl thing doesnt fit well with his parents)
He's just too settled into himself and his comfortable life....
He's gonna finish college... but there's no talk of him saying he wants to move out... but he does say he wants to be wiht me and he's serious about us.....
bahhh
In a couple of months its the "1 yr anniversary thing" lets just see how that goes..... lets see if he does something about it..... probably not! we'll probably just end up at his house with takeout... again!

ays

[NeoSeminole]

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[shh!]

You sound like a doormat that's willing to tolerate boorish behavior because you are so desperate to hold on. Sorry, but he does NOT sound like a nice guy. He sounds selfish and apathetic. I bet you could do better if you raised your expectations.

[1averagejoe]

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Is someone drunk?

You sound like a doormat that's willing to tolerate boorish behavior because you are so desperate to hold on. Sorry, but he does NOT sound like a nice guy. He sounds selfish and apathetic. I bet you could do better if you raised your expectations.

What she said...you need to realize that there are other guys out there that won't be pulling the crap he's doing.