Pre-marriage ongoing issue

[Andrewmelb]

Hello, thank- you for the forum. I wonder if people have some thoughts/suggestions on my situation? My finacee and I have been going out for around 9 months and we have been very close. Two weeks ago I asked her to marry me and presented her with a stunning diamond ring. She said, “yes”, so far so good. However over our relationship there has been one thing that has caused me angst and it keeps coming back. That thing is her inability and or unwillingness to pay for anything. Don’t get me wrong, I am not mercenary and far from a miser but I am somewhat aggrieved by her expectation that I pay for everything. The situation has been compounded of late by her losing her job and a number of debts (read tens of thousands of dollars) from her previous relationship, where her boyfriend left without paying his share. Things came to a head last week when I received a text message from her out of the blue saying I had agreed to pay for her wedding dress two months ago and it was ready and please confirm, the message had a kiss on the end of it. As way of background, two months ago she lost her job and was upset about paying for the dress. I said if you couldn’t pay don’t worry I will take care of it. So I did agree, but what aggrieved me was this message came without warning, not even via a telephone call and in the intervening two months I have paid for a pair of glasses for her and she had a car accident in my car for which I had to pay the excess. Also there have been numerous dinners etc. She has literally not paid for a cup of coffee for me in this time, although she has bought the odd chocolate bar. Last week we were going to visit friends of her which was a long drive away, I thought she was getting ready and then she yelled that she was in the car, he tone was quite abrupt. She left the front door open and my dog ran up the street, granted she didn’t know the dog was in the front of the house, but she was in the car and not everything we needed to take did she have. She decided we were late, so we had to go. I became annoyed and drove off quickly which caused the cake she was holding on her lap to collapse, not by design but by accident. When we got to the friends we argued before we went in and the night, was strained. I had more to drink then I normally do (I am not a drinker) and became maudlin which was a bit embarrassing. We ended staying over (we are not sleeping together) and in the morning we argued on the way home. I have apologised for my behaviour since but the underlying problem is still there. She has said rather than get another job she could get the house ready for when we are married but I am not keen on that and have asked if she can keep working to at least pay down the debt. In the course of this argument she said she had been honest with her financial situation and if she keeps working, we will not be able to have children for a year. But she could work until she becomes pregnant. Even when she had a job she hardly paid for anything but she bought shoes here and there. I don’t want much just a sign. I have booked and paid for our wedding overseas which has cost me a lot. I feel there is a barrier over this but we do love each other and are respectful. What can we do? Everytime I bring it up she is really defensive saying , ‘you can’t afford a wife etc etc’. I have a good job and work hard I just want some progress.
Thanks for your thoughts
Drew.

[sine24]

my advice is simple. put off the wedding until you get your financial issues sorted out. i hate dependent women. tell her to get a job quicksmart.

[shh!]

I don't know why you are upset with her; you have allowed her to become financially dependent on you.

Tell her you don't want to get married until she pays off her debt. It's too soon to get married anyway.

And quit offering to pay for things you really don't want to pay for.

Finally, I suggest some pre-marital financial counseling. Money is a very important issue that leads to divorce when problems arise. You both need to be on the same page about how money is going to come in and go out during a marriage.

[RiceMuncher]

she is really defensive saying , ‘you can’t afford a wife etc etc’.

9 months and you already proposed.
It sound like if she is using this fact to (im meaning no offence here) leech off your well-earnt income.
Has she always been this finacially disadvantaged?

I know its hard, but you should call off your proposal and work your way around some issues first. If this issue is annoying you so much already, when your husband and wife. It would drive you nuts.

[misombra]

9 months and you're already fighting about money? not a good sign, my friend.

[IndiReloaded]

Not much to add. Listen to those who say to get this sorted out. Money arguments is one of the Big 3 that cause couples problems.

Two months is a long time for not finding a job. Its not THAT hard to find work.

[Mish]

What can we do?

I think you should stop sending her mixed signals. You are sending her mixed signals by saying that you accept her as she is (enough to marry her) yet you don't accept her as she is because of the money issue. You need to clarify (perhaps first for yourself) do you or do you not accept her for how she is and how she deals with the world around her? If you do, then accept this as something you will always have to put up with and learn to live with it. If you don't, then you have to face the fact that this is a deal breaker and if this issue is not resolved you won't be able to have a life together (obviously in this case the wedding will have to be called off). Once you make this clear for yourself all other decisions will become easier.

[bluesummer]

I agree that you've given her mixed messages by letting her know everything is okay, and that you'll pay for things if she can't afford them......but then are getting upset because she can't. You need to have some very frank conversations about this and clear it up.

Bottom line, she needs to get a job and contribute. A marriage is a partnership, and until she's raising your children, she should be working to contribute financially. There's lots of jobs out there - maybe not one she WANTS, but there's no excuse for being unemployed. Make it clear that her previous debts need to be taken care of - they are products of her previous relationship, and not your problem. She sounds like she's happy to leech off you as long as you let her.

Just like everyone says, money is a major issue in relationships. If you can't learn to talk about it and come to agreements about it now, you're headed for a very rocky road.