Very insecure BF

[elfen31]

Ok....here's my situation....my bf of about a year is VERY insecure. He first of all is heavy set which I have told him countless times I DO NOT have a problem with. I've told him I love him JUST THE WAY HE IS and I mean it. The problem he has though is that he constantly wants me to basically behave as if there was never any other bf in my life...ok for instance he CONSTANTLY asks me, often at the MOST inappropriate times such as during sex, whether some other guy has ever done this or that with me before him and then I lie and say no because I don't want to hurt his feelings, and then he wants me to swear that he's the only one who has EVER made me feel the way he makes me feel. He is insanely jealous of my exes..hard to explain..but it's like he wishes that I could somehow deny their existence and wipe my entire history clean.

Then there was this other time where we were online with one of his friends...in fact his best friend and he was always saying to me that this friend felt left out when he and I were online together because no one talked to his friend. So I decided to hold a conversation with his friend so that he wouldn't feel left out and right after, he (my bf) told me that he felt left out, and started asking whether I like his friend or not. I mean...it's getting to the point where it's simply annoying and irritating and it just makes me angry. Would you guys consider him to be on the possessive side...and what are the long term implications of this?

[GrkScorp]

Would you guys consider him to be on the possessive side...and what are the long term implications of this?

Honestly.., he just lacks experience..

This is a guy who lacked the confidence and self esteem to get into relationships with women he really liked.. He always felt like nobody liked him.., rejected.., unwanted.., and this lead him to eventually question his own value to others and his own self-worth..

You might actually be either the only.., or one of the few.., women who has given him the chance at a relationship.. Since he believes that he may never find what he has now again.., he's feeling insecure.., he wants to feel secure in knowing that he is great.., that he has some value.., that you like him for XYZ reasons and that he monopolizes those qualities in the dating market.., he is the best..

Yes.., this kind of insecurity almost reminds you of a little girl.., but he's you're bf now.., so I won't go any further to say something bad or negative..

Possessive? No..

Envious of you.., jealous of you and others.., constantly wanting attention and praise.., needing validation.., afraid of losing you.., Yes..

[Jillygo]

Honestly.., he just lacks experience..

This is a guy who lacked the confidence and self esteem to get into relationships with women he really liked.. He always felt like nobody liked him.., rejected.., unwanted.., and this lead him to eventually question his own value to others and his own self-worth..

You might actually be either the only.., or one of the few.., women who has given him the chance at a relationship.. Since he believes that he may never find what he has now again.., he's feeling insecure.., he wants to feel secure in knowing that he is great.., that he has some value.., that you like him for XYZ reasons and that he monopolizes those qualities in the dating market.., he is the best..

Yes.., this kind of insecurity almost reminds you of a little girl.., but he's you're bf now.., so I won't go any further to say something bad or negative..

Possessive? No..

Envious of you.., jealous of you and others.., constantly wanting attention and praise.., needing validation.., afraid of losing you.., Yes..

Are you serious GrkScorp? What you just said above is what possessive is! You're ridiculous! What bad advice!!

I had a boyfriend for a year and a half just like you described and he broke up with me because he didn't believe i loved him enough. Then freaked out and tried to get me back. I took him back for a little while but it wasn't the same and so i had to end it.

Two years later he has not moved on. Tell him that you've had enough of his childish behaviour and that it's pushing you away from him. Tell him the only way to have a healthy relationship is for you both to feel secure and ask him how does he think you both can become secure in your relationship in a reasonable way, ie; not talking to someone he is unfoundedly paranoid of is only giving him licence to act like a spoiled child and if nothing else you should show him how an adult relationship is supposed to work.

Your irritation is not unwarranted. It is understandable and it needs to be dealt with before your relationship implodes. Good Luck Xxx

[23mako]

That seems pretty obsessive and weird. I can't relate to that because I am kinda the opposite. I don't want to know anything about what my girlfriend has done with an x. I dated a girl and I thought she was incredible. When I found out who one of her x/bf's were, I ended up losing all interest in her because I couldn't see why she would date a guy like that. When I am dating a girl, I don't ever want to hear anything about a previous boyfriend.

[swanted]

I think that someone needs to be completely comfortable with themselves, and like themselves before anyone else can like them.
Even if your happy with his body i think its more important that he himself is and if not then he should work on getting himself to the point where he feels confident and proud to be your boyfriend.
If your relationship consist of you reassuring him all the time then you guys aren't really spending time being happy with one another.

[shh!]

It must be very tiresome having to deal with such an immature, possesive boy. I'd probably give him one warning to straigten up, and then I'd give him the boot. I have no interest in fixing another person's emotional problems unless they were sprung from my uterus.

[zebra19]

first of all, do not lie to him. sit him down and tell him not to ask those questions. those people are now out of your life and you are with HIM. remind him of that and tell him that he does not need to think about your exes because you aren't. you are done with those people and have moved on and gained the necessary experience from them. which has made you who you are. remind him whatever it is, it is in the past and he neeeds to open his eyes and see that you have decided to be with HIM now, and if doesn't see it soon, you will be out. my girlfriend does that too. she asks me, and i give her an honest answer, she gets upset of the answer, and i leave her alone and tell her that it is her fault she is upset. she asked and i answered. i told her that next time you ask me things like this i will start lying if you like. and she doesn't want that. so now she doesn't ask.

[Mish]

Would you guys consider him to be on the possessive side...and what are the long term implications of this?

I say it's low self esteem. He lacks self worth, that's where the questions are coming from.

[ecojeanne]

do you think maybe he has a reason to be jealous of your ex....i remember your last thread you were wanting to get back with your ex even though he was abusive and you were feeling guilty about cheating on the ex......

maybe your current bf has picked up on that and has become paranoid

maybe its worth a chat with him

EDIT: just to point out....you said in a previous thread that you met your current bf online....chatting with friends online can't help his suspicions either

[Love Portion #9]

Exit quickly.....he is possessive and he will soon start to control you....where you go, who you were with, who your friend are. This is the worth kind of asshole.

[CherriBlossomGirl]

You hit it right on the nose. He is insecure and probably always will be. I don't see anything wrong with asking about an ex, unless you are asking out of insecurity.

When my beau talks about an ex, which does happen every once and while, I'm totally at ease. If he wanted to be with his ex, he would be. He wouldn't be sitting here with me. Same goes for him. When I talk about an ex, he'll even ask questions. How I felt at the time, what we did together. He doesn't demand to know if I like him better. It's obvious. Would I be staring at him, adoring him, if I liked my ex better? No way.

You can stick it out and hope he changes. Honestly, I wouldn't. Let someone else deal with his jealous insecurity. Don't coddle him. You're just nursing his ego.

[Hugabear]

Just try and be open and honest about things.

[Azpackrat85]

That seems pretty obsessive and weird. I can't relate to that because I am kinda the opposite. I don't want to know anything about what my girlfriend has done with an x. I dated a girl and I thought she was incredible. When I found out who one of her x/bf's were, I ended up losing all interest in her because I couldn't see why she would date a guy like that. When I am dating a girl, I don't ever want to hear anything about a previous boyfriend.

+10000

I never want to know what my girlfriend did with her ex's. I know she hasn't done much, but I still don't want to know. My girlfriend doesn't ask me about my ex's either. Why would you?

[Zatguy]

So you can drive up to her ex's house, knock on the door, and compare penises.

_______________________________________________
There is no reasonable answers to a unreasonable question

Because obviously he feels inferior to your past bf's =\ weird? Yes I wouldn't like a girl like that

[Dasein]

You just need to ask him whether he likes you as are today.

If he says "yes" then say that your past including who you have been with and dated prior to him make you the person you are today. Tell him that you are not ashamed of it and will not hide anything about it. If he feels jealous of the past then it is his problem which he needs to deal with. I'm sure he has a past which you are not jealous of.

If the behaviour continues then I would suggest leaving him.