loss of passion? affection? love? special situation...

[Confirmation]

Hey guys, I've been frustrated with the problem it's a LONG story.

background: my gf and I have been together just over a year. before we started dating, we were good friends... met her 4 years ago. we have lots of similar interests and values... similar background... a few months ago, we moved to Hong Kong to take on our ambitious dreams. She's been successful right off the bat, and for me... it sucks that luck is not on my side, but i've been working hard at it. Nonetheless, we both knew my career could have a lot of waiting... and i'm not worried cuz financially i'm prepared. Being in HK, and the nature of who we are... we feel we're perfect for each other, and people here in HK don't understand us... only she understands me, and I understand her. And seriously there's no way of me finding someone better than her here.


we don't live together... I live at her grandma's extra empty apartment, she lives at her uncle's. we used to be super passionate of each other. ours arms would swing back and forth when we held hands... escalators, we would love them so much cuz she'd stand a step higher and we'd kiss kiss kiss and say too bad the ride isn't long enough... we made love all the time... sometimes after family gatherings she'd tell her uncle that we'll be watching a movie, so her uncle and auntie can go home themselves, while me and my gf can head back to my place and make love... (and it's she who suggests it too)


To see each other more often, we used to kinda had a fair share of who visits who... The past 2.5 months, she's been getting busy... starting to work 5 days a week... + some 3 hours of commuting each day. So, to make it easier for her, I just go to her place, and doing the extra things to save her from the extra troubles. Example: I often would wake up early and take the rail to her place, and help her get milk and cereal for breakfast while she gets ready and gets dressed. I also might take the rail and go to her place at like 11pm, just after she comes back from work. Lots of the small things in her life, I end up taking care of her, her part has been about helping me with my career and like big picture things like... settling in HK... asking her family to help me... and like feel at home in HK, even though i have no friends nor family here.

However, after a while, she doesn't thank me or feel appreciative that I go out of my way to go to her place like near midnight. We don't have cars here, and late night trains/busses are very infrequent. I've been seeing as work increased, her love passion decreased.

Then her work load got big... everyday 9am-midnight and she was out of hong kong for 2.5 weeks cuz of her job. She was so tired that she didn't even talk to me more than a couple minutes on the phone a night, but we could msn during the day. However when she comes back she'll have a whole week off.

The day after she came back was our 1 year anniversary. I planned the whole day... but I could tell she wasn't really into it.

Since she came back, she's changed. She doesn't talk much anymore, and she doesn't initiate any touching, cuddling, or kissing anymore. When we visit each other, she would just want to watch tv and do nothing. I brought it up in a very very constructive and comfortable way... kinda opened her up to talk, what she's been thinking of and what's wrong... She said that it could be that she was so busy and had so much attention, that she needs some time off, and maybe be a loner. Also, upon arriving back to HK, I had to inform her that a friend of ours just died... murdered. She said maybe it's cuz of that too. That night we made love, and she stayed over.

After this, I planned a 2 day getaway. Got out of town, and we visited a good friend and stayed at a 5 star hotel. That night was the last time we had sex - more than 2 weeks ago.

Then her work load kinda came back again. She has the leave for work at about 4pm, and doesn't come home till just past midnight. Again I try to make it easy for her, so I go visit her before she goes to work. But one day I got really upset, cuz like we only had like 1/2 hour time together to see each other in those 2 days... After letting me in, she kinda did her own things. like... upload pics to facebook... watch entertainment news... chat on msn... then yeah it's time to leave. I go out of my way to walk her to the bus in the ridiculous heat... I watch her get on the bus and find her seat but she never looked back.

ok... i got pissed, but i didn't let her know right away (but hey, if she were paying attention, i'm sure she'd know)

so I didn't bother going to find her in the early afternoons for the next few days. A couple times she said she'd go visit me or go out and have lunch with me before work... but she'd always wake up late... or forget that day I have piano lesson... Then one night she came visit me (which she used to do), unlike her, I have great hospitality... treat her like a princess. She stayed over, but no sex... she didn't even initiate any kissing, and when I kiss her, she is completely not into it. Morning, she sleeps in, I make breakfast for her... throughout the whole morning and early afternoon, she showed like no affection for me at all, while I was busy trying to do everything in my books to put a smile to her face.

We went out for lunch, and I brought up the problem again. This time, I no longer know if she loves me or not. She says it all the time, but her actions... doesn't show it at all... and that I really don't know if she really loves me in romantic love anymore. When I address the problem again, this time she becomes very defensive, and gets very upset. She said that she needs more time for herself. I bring up the "30 minute issue" and she said... yeah that 30 minutes is her personal time too... facebook and tv is personal time. so I said, "ok fine... if we can only see for 30 minutes in 2 days, and you'd rather spend that time watching enews and facebook... fine." When I paid the tab, she insisted on giving me back the money for her share. we walked for about a minute, no hand holding... no talking... then as she was going to get on a taxi, she came back to me and said she was sorry that she had hurt me.

Later in the day, she apologized again via text and said she misses me but still doesn't know what to say.

I figured... since my career isn't going as well as hers is (although i'm completely 100% not at fault for this), maybe she's not impressed with me anymore. However it's the qualities we share, our personalities, that are important. And all the little things I do for her. However, I think that is what maybe she might be taking for granted... I really thought it's highly likely she really didn't love me anymore, so I was prepared to look for a new place and move out, and not rely on her and her family. Maybe then when I'm not always there for her, that she realises how much i've been for her.

She texted me again at night saying she's thought it thoroughly and says that she loves me, and wants to make it all better... starting from the next day, and wanted to date me.

I seriously wasn't convinced that she's really thought through everything, but anyhows, I believe if we work together, we can definitely work it through.

Date: we meet at this restaurant... no hugs, no kisses... don't know what to say. I asked so how about us. She says... casual and let the flow go... =.= definitely not what I had in mind of what was "i'll make it all better." I was thinking we could just put it all out, leave it on the table, apologize for the things we both could have done better, and be forgiving for each other.

Anyways, ended up in a fight... but in the end we talked it all over, and understood each other more. She says she might need some time to think over what the things she did wrong and like some of the accusations I said of her. I apologized for not recognizing the fact that sure that i've been taking care of all her small things in her life, but she's been taking care of my big things... like career oppertunities, living and stuff. We actually did leave it all on the table, and we walked off hand in hand.

Now, we've been talking more, and getting more comfortable with each other... She's been more caring, and we've been more appreciative of each other. We still know we won't be able to find another partner, and we still love each other. However, it's even more hands off now... I want to give her more space, and I don't want to initate any more hugging, kissing and that... but doesn't seem like she will... our hugs are nothing more than the 1/2 hearted feel you'd give to an acquantance... great...

I don't know what to do anymore. I plan to give her flowers on our upcoming 13th month anniversary on the 26th...

thanks so much for reading to this point first of all... but guys and gals... can you give me comments please?

[ecojeanne]

move out....that is the best solution, if you can't be independant then whats the solution? women want a strong independant man.

[Confirmation]

move out....that is the best solution, if you can't be independant then whats the solution? women want a strong independant man.

well it's not that bad that i'm staying at her grandma's extra apartment, cuz I'm paying rent to them...

[Charlie Boy II]

First off, there is no such thing as a "13 month anniversary" so I would can that idea altogether and celebrating sounds like exactly the wrong thing to do in your situation. To be honest Confirmation you sound like you're heading for dumpsville.

If you want to avert your current course I would give this girl a lot more space. Her work schedule sounds frankly suicidal so she must be under a lot of pressure. If I was in her shoes and I had somebody whinging at me that I didn't give them enough quality time it would really grate on my nerves. I might start looking for an exit too. So resign yourself to seeing her only once or twice a week and stop making trips to make her breakfast, and things of that nature. Just back off a bit.

[homosapiens]

How are things going for you now, several months later? By the way, I also live in Hong Kong. People often work far too hard here.

[Lipp]

My girlfriend's from Hong Kong, but from what I've heard from her and life stories of people who lived there I hope never to move there. People are waaaaay too stressed out and workaholics.

Is there anyone else who sees this? A recent lady told me how she worked 10 hours a day 6 hours a week at as a professional secretary over there with a very good wage, simply to afford keeping an apartment in the "rich area", $10k stereo and for her super-reserved western husband get a vintage car, but didn't get to enjoy it even a bit and missed out on a lot of her daughter's childhood.

It's not freakin' worth it. The quote at the top of the forum sums it up pretty well.

Yes, you're not quite right on some points, but face it, if she wants to work and do nothing when there's spare time because she's exhausted, well, then she either changes or it's pretty hopeless. It's like therapy, if the client doesn't want to change there's no point in trying.

[GemStar]

I think the flowers are a GREAT idea. You wouldn't believe how people respond to a little kindness... Esp. if they work that much! You don't even need a reason to do this.