Disappointed with my own life...

[Arrow]

...and any sensible person would say I've got no reason.

I'm only 21.

I'm healthy.

I'm good-looking.

I'm considered intelligent.

I've got a strong, reliable car.

I've got a good job. Trainee, you know, but it's nice.

I've got a sum of money that will last me for some time before I get highly paid.

Yet I'm not happy with how things are turning out for me.

The biggest problem, you guessed it, are the girls. Ever since I was a youngster I've dreamed of having a girlfriend and so far I failed in every opportunity I had. Usually girls around me are either committed or ugly and whenever I find someone interesting the person turns out to be way more complicated to date than I have thought. My last crush pulled the "just friends" on me and of course I was so pissed off, but hid it. And when I don't date who I want I tend to feel depressed and wish the other person doesn't have a happy life as I see her as the source of my sadness. Somehow I think the girls don't find me interesting at all, and it hurts me because I'd LOVE to have someone by my side, to care for... (yes my take on things is overly romantic at times) Then I'm frustrated because they prefer other men to me. The others are more manly, more "suitable". And I suffer with the rejection.

Second issue is with friends. I'm too serious. People my age make jokes all the time, aren't afraid of anything... But I'm a different matter. I tend to thrive when discussing deeper matters, but those you can only talk with older people about. This is why most of my true friends are way older than me. And approaching people is difficult for me as I don't know what to talk to them.

Thirdly, my home is hell. Mom and sis are control freaks and have made me afraid of everything in life until recently when I started therapy to get rid of their shadows haunting me. They claim everything is dangerous. Their social life is non-existant and they want to drag me with them. Fearing I'd become more independent, my mom started to threaten my therapist.

At last, usually my life is so uninteresting in my eyes that I feel a constant need to seek for fun instead of doing my work. This makes me miss deadlines, opportunities... And I'm not building up knowledge for the future, which will make me a lousy professional at best.

I don't know why those things happen. I try my best to make stuff work for me but it seems I've not been blessed like others were. I really want to be happy. I feel a human being is entitled to happiness. I don't want to wait until late in life to experience true happiness. ATM I feel like the villain of my own story. What is wrong with me?

[starbuck]

Arrow, there's that old saying that goes: "Youth is wasted on the young." I know, I know. Very cliched. But I thought about it when I read your post and your description of dating frustration.

In my experience, dating in the early twenties is not really all that much fun. The girls don't know what they want. The guys don't know what they want. Everyone still wants love, and romance, and of course sex, but no one really knows what they're doing yet. You guys and girls just don't have the experience yet. I don't know if this helps or not, but it does gets better with age. People who think otherwise are just afraid of growing older.

You don't seem humorless to me, Arrow. I laughed at your wanting the tummy-rubbing back in the "grow up guys" thread. Maybe you're just not giving yourself enough credit when you're funny?

Perhaps you are just being too hard on yourself, Arrow?

[Kromat]

Arrow, there's that old saying that goes: "Youth is wasted on the young." I know, I know.
Very cliched. But I thought about it when I read your post and your description of dating frustration.

In my experience, dating in the early twenties is not really all that much fun. The girls don't know what they want.
The guys don't know what they want. Everyone still wants love, and romance, and of course sex, but no one really
knows what they're doing yet. You guys and girls just don't have the experience yet. I don't know if this helps or not,
but it does gets better with age. People who think otherwise are just afraid of growing older.

You don't seem humorless to me, Arrow. I laughed at your wanting the tummy-rubbing back in the "grow up guys" thread.
Maybe you're just not giving yourself enough credit when you're funny?

Perhaps you are just being too hard on yourself, Arrow?

I guess he just wants to be given a chance, and no one is accepting him to be compatible and let
him experience a relationship, because they don't see love like he does towards the person.
I have the same problem as you, so your not alone, as the waiting surely isn't that much fun when you grow older.

[Junket]

My mother and my sisters were my enemies as well.

I've ditched them all.

[shh!]

I think it is common for people your age to think everyone else is a lot more confident and secure about themselves, but really, they are all screwed up in their thinking... you aren't alone.

Several of your issues can be fixed with a little bit of effort, and those are the things I'd focus on, if I were you.

[Zilla80]

Everyone goes through this man. Just work on finding what makes you happy and don't let these little things get you down.

[kaiser27]

I don't think you're disappointed with your life at alll. listing all those good things doesnt say disappointment. You're bored you need a girlfriend or a holiday with family or friends

[ecojeanne]

maybe you come accross to the girls you like as too keen? it can be off putting if someone is hanging on to every word...maybe you just need to relax. The way i look at potential/realtionships especially at the beginning is.....would i say or do that for a friend? if not ....then i don't do it. except for obvious flirting but you're probably 'in' by then anyway

[Arrow]

I'd need to distribute thanks for all those replies...

Fact is, my current position is difficult in terms of relationships. For example, at college I always sit at the front because that's where I feel most comfortable watching the classes, but this drives me away from where the true action is. I then don't have much contact with people who do lots of stuff and due to my isolation they tend not to approach me.

Also I'm afraid of talking to people when exposing a weakness of mine. Currently I need to elaborate a project for a work (it's mandatory for all of us) and mine is really late and the teacher I chose to guide me is a difficult person to contact and work with. My roommates were talking about their projects and I was afraid of engaging the conversation because I had done nothing and this really put me down.

This isolation issue also happens with the girls and I believe they don't feel tempted to start a relationship with me because they think that I'm either too "nerdy" or I'm not confident, imposing or manly enough, or even that I don't have many friends so I should not be good boyfriend material.

My last crush pulled the "just friends" on me but I'm really hating her now, if we were "just friends" we would talk regularly but that's not happening, in fact she enjoys the company of other guys much more even though we had a good relationship. I think she (and other girls too) underestimates me because I'm not older than them or don't seem experienced in life. This "inexperience" issue is true to some extent since I haven't really dated up until this point and my sexual life is very poor. And it's hard to change your image. People give you "roles" and it's not fun at all.

I also view myself as incapable of duelling with other men for the love of a woman because I feel I don't have enough attributes... When approaching a woman I already imagine she won't like me. And, after many failed attempts of dating someone, I reached the conclusion that if I manage to get too deep into them I scare them off, and I don't know why this happens. Of course, my last crush just ended a relationship (at least that's according to the latest information I had) but I was very jealous of her when she went out because, deep down, I knew she'd prefer other guys to me no matter what I did. And, when I heard her talking and laughing with other girls, I'd imagine she was talking about other guys; when she was upset, I put in my mind she was talking about me.

About my family issues, the best thing to do IMO is to just leave home while I can. Sometimes it's unbearable since I'm pretty much isolated at home too. I feel extremely uncomfortable when talking to family now and search for the care of other people, who are not always available when I need, and there's really nothing I can do about it.

[ecojeanne]

my only suggestion would be treat her like you would a guy friend (without the disgusting parts) and try flirting but not overly....just enough to keep her wanting more....ye know what i mean? if you want to put a time limit....5 mins per day flirting and then cut it off politely....she'll want you bad....but like i said don't fall into the trap of doing anything for her that you wouldn't do or say to a guy friend in the hopes of getting her....that just gets you used...don't try so hard...relax more...even if there is competition...don't stress....there are so many fish out there and anyway if you're relaxed she'll wonder about you.....you'll have an air of mystery and confidence

when i say her...meaning any girl you decide you like

EDIT: also just to let you know when i was younger i used to be extremely shy....i couldn't even say my name out loud without feeling insecure....people used to think i was rude but in actual fact i was a nervous wreck

don't think about what you're saying and doing too much

[boobaa]

...and any sensible person would say I've got no reason.

I'm only 21.

I'm healthy.

I'm good-looking.

I'm considered intelligent.

I've got a strong, reliable car.

I've got a good job. Trainee, you know, but it's nice.

I've got a sum of money that will last me for some time before I get highly paid.

Yet I'm not happy with how things are turning out for me.

The biggest problem, you guessed it, are the girls. Ever since I was a youngster I've dreamed of having a girlfriend and so far I failed in every opportunity I had. Usually girls around me are either committed or ugly and whenever I find someone interesting the person turns out to be way more complicated to date than I have thought. My last crush pulled the "just friends" on me and of course I was so pissed off, but hid it. And when I don't date who I want I tend to feel depressed and wish the other person doesn't have a happy life as I see her as the source of my sadness. Somehow I think the girls don't find me interesting at all, and it hurts me because I'd LOVE to have someone by my side, to care for... (yes my take on things is overly romantic at times) Then I'm frustrated because they prefer other men to me. The others are more manly, more "suitable". And I suffer with the rejection.

Second issue is with friends. I'm too serious. People my age make jokes all the time, aren't afraid of anything... But I'm a different matter. I tend to thrive when discussing deeper matters, but those you can only talk with older people about. This is why most of my true friends are way older than me. And approaching people is difficult for me as I don't know what to talk to them.

Thirdly, my home is hell. Mom and sis are control freaks and have made me afraid of everything in life until recently when I started therapy to get rid of their shadows haunting me. They claim everything is dangerous. Their social life is non-existant and they want to drag me with them. Fearing I'd become more independent, my mom started to threaten my therapist.

At last, usually my life is so uninteresting in my eyes that I feel a constant need to seek for fun instead of doing my work. This makes me miss deadlines, opportunities... And I'm not building up knowledge for the future, which will make me a lousy professional at best.

I don't know why those things happen. I try my best to make stuff work for me but it seems I've not been blessed like others were. I really want to be happy. I feel a human being is entitled to happiness. I don't want to wait until late in life to experience true happiness. ATM I feel like the villain of my own story. What is wrong with me?

Hey, that sounds like me almost.

[Mish]

You are only 21, a lot will come with experience. What you think are barriers right now (Your class seating position etc..) will evaporate in the future and you will find ways around the "just friends" lines. You won't be giving them much thought, you'll be going straight for the target, your experience will cushion your confidence.

[Arrow]

Hey, that sounds like me almost.

But at least where you live the girls are pretty. Mix of Russian, Finnish and other Eastern stuff.

my only suggestion would be treat her like you would a guy friend (without the disgusting parts) and try flirting but not overly....just enough to keep her wanting more....ye know what i mean? if you want to put a time limit....5 mins per day flirting and then cut it off politely....she'll want you bad....but like i said don't fall into the trap of doing anything for her that you wouldn't do or say to a guy friend in the hopes of getting her....that just gets you used...don't try so hard...relax more...even if there is competition...don't stress....there are so many fish out there and anyway if you're relaxed she'll wonder about you.....you'll have an air of mystery and confidence

That's a great idea and I think I blew most of my chances in the past by not doing this. I mean, you've got to be nice, but not THAT nice eh?

You are only 21, a lot will come with experience. What you think are barriers right now (Your class seating position etc..) will evaporate in the future and you will find ways around the "just friends" lines. You won't be giving them much thought, you'll be going straight for the target, your experience will cushion your confidence.

It was a torture to me to hear the "what I wanted was your friendship". I kept my cool in front of her but in my head I was totally different. I'd like to give it another try in the future (after a break, of course) because I think that, although there are thousands of nice people out there, everyone is unique. It's like going to a restaurant and reading the menu: you can choose salad, steak or spaghetti and all are good but everything tastes differently. I'd like to at least have a taste of her.

It should be easier to take the alternate route and go for other girls when I increase my options, though, and that does come with experience.

My biggest problem, with everything really, is to start a learning curve: I'm ashamed of starting from way down the curve because I'm afraid of making mistakes and being laughed at by others. Gradual stuff is hard for me because I want to reach the top quickly and with little effort, and sometimes you just can't do that, nobody can.

[heyimdro]

I am tempted to think that your constant second guessing of yourself and thinking your "crush" always was thinking about and wanting to be with other guys probably shone through clearly, and thus reinforced those feelings that may not have been there in the first place.

I also don't think you should think of her as a "crush" when you've entered into a relationship with her! Crush means a girl you furtively admire and hope to be with. You were already with her.

It also sounds like you should be putting forth more effort on all levels: relationship, family, work etc. I know this can be hard to do, we've all been depressed, and it's very immobilizing.

Recently, I have realized that I personally need more structure. Setting big goals and objectives on my horizon (i.e. travel, new classes) made me really get my act together. In having these, I have been more motivated/productive with work as well.

I would advise you to undertake a new hobby, like a challenging new sport or musical instrument...something that can both give you a little more excitement in the morning when you wake up in the morning to look forward to and could potentially be a medium for meeting and bonding with new people.

As far as your family goes, it sounds like there are certainly some deep rooted issues to be dealt with, and it's FANTASTIC that you're in therapy; don't give that up, and make sure you're open and honest in your sessions. It might really help to move out, if you can afford it. If not, continue to strive for higher standards than they have for themselves, as they are obviously not sufficient for you.

I can relate to you also on a matter of being "too serious". My friends often tease me and tell me I'm an "old man", but I prefer to think that I'm just slightly ahead of the curve. I'm thinking about things more complex than unsatisfying sex (of which I've had very little) and drinking and drugs, I'm over it. I'm more interested in satisfying relationships, and at such a young age (I'm 21 as well) really getting to know myself, what I really like and value, etc. You have to remember that we're essentially toddlers in the realm of adulthood.

Persist in your efforts and never give up hope or lose faith in the fact that things will improve. Everyone experiences ups and downs, but it's how you handle them both that really counts. I hope this helps.

[Arrow]

I am tempted to think that your constant second guessing of yourself and thinking your "crush" always was thinking about and wanting to be with other guys probably shone through clearly, and thus reinforced those feelings that may not have been there in the first place.

I also don't think you should think of her as a "crush" when you've entered into a relationship with her! Crush means a girl you furtively admire and hope to be with. You were already with her.

It also sounds like you should be putting forth more effort on all levels: relationship, family, work etc. I know this can be hard to do, we've all been depressed, and it's very immobilizing.

Recently, I have realized that I personally need more structure. Setting big goals and objectives on my horizon (i.e. travel, new classes) made me really get my act together. In having these, I have been more motivated/productive with work as well.

I would advise you to undertake a new hobby, like a challenging new sport or musical instrument...something that can both give you a little more excitement in the morning when you wake up in the morning to look forward to and could potentially be a medium for meeting and bonding with new people.

As far as your family goes, it sounds like there are certainly some deep rooted issues to be dealt with, and it's FANTASTIC that you're in therapy; don't give that up, and make sure you're open and honest in your sessions. It might really help to move out, if you can afford it. If not, continue to strive for higher standards than they have for themselves, as they are obviously not sufficient for you.

I can relate to you also on a matter of being "too serious". My friends often tease me and tell me I'm an "old man", but I prefer to think that I'm just slightly ahead of the curve. I'm thinking about things more complex than unsatisfying sex (of which I've had very little) and drinking and drugs, I'm over it. I'm more interested in satisfying relationships, and at such a young age (I'm 21 as well) really getting to know myself, what I really like and value, etc. You have to remember that we're essentially toddlers in the realm of adulthood.

Persist in your efforts and never give up hope or lose faith in the fact that things will improve. Everyone experiences ups and downs, but it's how you handle them both that really counts. I hope this helps.

It certainly did!!!

Well, let's see what is happening between me and her as of now:

1) She kept her distance the day after she told me she just wanted my friendship.
2) I decided to ignore her and pretend I wasn't hurt. Whenever she was close I'd avoid looking at her and I'd try to sound pleasant to other people.
3) She decided to do the same thing! Last Tuesday we stumbled across each other and she deliberately turned her face away from me. However...
4) She still sits at the place right beside me, which is strange, since she was sitting far away from me when she wanted to keep distance and she was able to do it again (plenty of spots at the front in the classroom).
5) She seems much happier with other people than she was a few days ago, especially one guy she likes talking to. I don't know if she's trying to make me jealous or...

I really wish it was easier, she drives me nuts sometimes. Currently I'm feeling threatened by that guy she likes talking to, since he's, well, charismatic (to sum it up) and I have trouble in social situations because of my upbringing.

As for hobbies, I'm currently out of time for them. Well, I work out. That's it. The rest is just study, work... There's little energy left for other stuff really.