My Ex gf broke my "No Contact" rule...

[TenSpeed]

I'll try to make a long story short here. My ex left me out of the blue back in January 2007. She then contacted me 8 months later (in October) wanting to be "just friends."

I told her that unless we got back together again, I could not be a part of her life. Which meant (and I specified) no texts, no email, no letters, no phone calls, no ANYTHING.

Because she had been coming in and out of my life like this for almost 10 years now. I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt, and still feel, like if she is in my life as just a "friend" that I can't move on, or heal the way I should.

I remember seeing someone's signature here that said something like "I'd rather you be completely out of my life than only half way in it." That is how I've felt about her for a long, long time now.

So, despite what I told her back in October, and it has been 10 months of silence since, last night she randomly texted me asking if we could be just friends, because she really needs a friend right now. So I texted her back, asking her what she meant by what she said.

When I saw a text from her, my heart was pounding and I got all weird feeling, and got the shakes, not knowing what to do, or how to react. I don't know what to do! It's so confusing. I keep thinking there must be some other reason, there must be more than meets the eye here, or something like that, but who knows?

I just don't know what to do. I feel like if I be "just friends" with her, I'll be caving in. But part of me would also feel bad to reject her need to have me as a friend. But after all the crap she's put me through, I don't know why I'd feel bad.

I just don't know what to do... do I stand my ground, or cave in...it's so hard. But I was NOT the one to break NC. I was the one who asked for it. NC was MY decision to stick to, and I was never tempted to break it over the past 10 months.

She still hasn't responded back yet from the text I sent her last night, which was a response to her initial one. Maybe she changed her mind, or realized she made a mistake by contacting me. But I don't really know that. I have nothing to go on.

Thanks for listening to me vent.

[ecojeanne]

ok what i think is : something has happened in her life to upset her....she is sad and needs a 'friend'....my advice.... dont fall back into the same routine u had before....u kno urself it cld easily happen again....just my theory

[Lipp]

Tell her not to contact you, delete the messages and move on.

[shh!]

I'd stick with your original point of view. There is really no going back to friends once you've been lovers, IMO.

She may have been drunk-texting. Just forget about it unless she contacts you again.

[starbuck]

You said it yourself, after all the crap she put you through, why be her friend? Her problems are not yours anymore. Each time you engage with her, you are running the risk of getting drawn back in emotionally. Just block her or immediately delete her text, then do something to distract yourself. Don't allow yourself to get sucked back in.

Yes, she is breaking the rule, but you are letting her.

[TenSpeed]

I agree with that, and I always have, that we can't go back to being friends once we've been together romantically. For some reason, she never seemed to really understand that. Maybe she realizes that now, and that's why she hasn't responded back. It can be any number of things though, I might not ever really know why she decided to do it. I have no intention or desire to be "just friends" with her anyway, and I told her that last October. I guess she just doesn't get it.

[starbuck]

Some people won't rest until something nasty is all tied up with a neat bow. You are doing the right thing by keeping up the "no contact" policy since you know that contact with her will bother you. Wouldn't hurt to calmly reiterate to her that you do not want her friendship. Maybe then she will leave you alone.

[ryanrigney22]

Just be calm about it and say that you will not be answering calls for a while because you two need space. Just let her know that you will not tolerate this anymore, so she needs to stop now.

[Dasein]

Something similar has happened to me. I broke up with the guy and didn't want any contact, so he sent me a card on my birthday months later and tickets to an Opera asking to be friends. Against my better judgement I tried to be friends and boy did I pay for it. Stalking, hysteria..the works.

So I guess what i am saying is we have these gut instincts for a reason. Listen to them and do not allow contact..the heart pounding and shaking is a dead give away also.

[1averagejoe]

Look at her as a complete stranger. What would you do if a complete stranger came up to you and told you they needed a friend? Wouldn't you be a little weirded out?

Ignore the text, don't contact her. Don't even respond telling her not to contact you again. I know exactly how you feel, my ex broke up with me about the same time. She sent me a text a couple months ago, said she needed to talk to me about something important. I ignored it. Didn't respond. Got about 3 e-mails from her on all my e-mail accounts and facebook saying the same thing.

You know why...because she didn't have anyone to fall back on. Your ex probably has something going on with another guy or friend issue and is looking at you to be desperate and give into her cry for help. She's looking for a confidence boost. Responding to her is like telling her she has you when she wants.

Ignore her, don't respond, delete the message, it never happened.

[michzel creativ]

Its natural that we can feel anger and heart aches when we broke up with our love ones(ex's). I think friendship will remain, if they contacted you ignore those sweet, love msgs but not to the point that your going to dumped her/him. Beer in mind that you have a past where in the two of you were happy. Its nice to live in a world with no guilt and hatered.

[survivor08]

Its natural that we can feel anger and heart aches when we broke up with our love ones(ex's). I think friendship will remain, if they contacted you ignore those sweet, love msgs but not to the point that your going to dumped her/him. Beer in mind that you have a past where in the two of you were happy. Its nice to live in a world with no guilt and hatered.

I agree, I have and consider friends a few ex girlfriends that meant something to me in the past, even when I stopped being emotionally available to them...after some time you can certainly become friends. Granted, we don't call each other to chit chat often, only where the time warrants, (them having kids, getting married, in the area and want to visit...whatever...)

BUt, some time has to pass in order for one to loose the emotions that are attached to the person. then you can be friends if that is what both of you want.

[survivor08]

Its natural that we can feel anger and heart aches when we broke up with our love ones(ex's). I think friendship will remain, if they contacted you ignore those sweet, love msgs but not to the point that your going to dumped her/him. Beer in mind that you have a past where in the two of you were happy. Its nice to live in a world with no guilt and hatered.

I will also add, not knowing your age, that this is a very mature point of view you bring to the table. Similar to the author who wrote How to Heal A Painful Relationship. The author was a divorce attorney and saw some very consistent patterns that lead to relationships going bad and then near the brink of divorce for some, divorce for others etc.

What I got is that you should not be carrying around guilt, hatred, anger or whatever distracting emotions you are feeling for anybody like your wife, signifant other, including yourself, that may get in the way of having another good relationship with your current wife, gf, lover, or future wife, gf, lover etc. That anger is an emotion inside you that happens because you are feeling a hurt that is deep inside you that is a coverup for something not ok with you...things like not good enough, insecurities, whatever...baggage you are carrying...

His advice on keeping things civil with each other: (real broad summary)
identify what caused you not to be ok with the person (resentments, hurts, feelings that you are not ok)
Drop the remorse, guilt, anger towards the person. Identify what went wrong.
Take responsibility for the relationship going bad. (even though you know the truth, but it does not matter)
Ask for forgiveness, identify what caused you not to be ok with the person
Deal with the truth
Accept the person for who they are...
And then decide if you can accept them for how they are know, you don't have to live with the person, but you must be ok with the truth on how and who they are, you are accepting them for who and how they are...then you won't get bent out of shape when you see those patterns occur again at a future time...
If you decide you don't want to be with the person...at least you understand and accept them for who they are....and you leave not hating them...or being dissapointed in them, or whatever you are feeling...

[ryanrigney22]

You need to stand your ground and let her know that you won't tolerate this.

[survivor08]

The other side of my last post is:

This girl had another failed fling relationship, in a drunk depressed moment, she realized she had something "better" with you. Now she wants to try getting back into your life. Are you OK with that? If not, no sense getting in touch with her again. let bygones be bygones..