Hatred

[shh!]

Why? My advice is genuine and good, and I am honest-to-god trying to help.

[Cain]

I would try to avoid blaming her entirely for this break up. Blaming her will prevent you from learning the lessons you need to learn for your next relationship...

unless of course you don't mind experiencing this relationship all over again.

I know what I did wrong in this relationship. But they were things that could have easily been fixed had she communicated.

[Junket]

Why? My advice is genuine and good, and I am honest-to-god trying to help.

It is good, and I understand you're trying to help, but he's a smart guy, and he's in tune with his emotions. Anger is a particularly sensitive emotion in that one of the last things you want to be, is lectured, or put on the defensive about why you're angry. In fact, that kind of frustration is only fuel to the fire.

That's why I say, let it be.

[shh!]

Cain - So maybe one of the lessons you need to learn is how to choose women who are more confident about expressing their needs/communicating?

EDIT - I understand what you are saying, Frasbee. I'm trying to be gentle, and if Cain shows signs of cracking, I'll stop. I promise.

[starbuck]

In fairness to Cain, how can you really know whether or not someone is not confident communicating her needs? If she was telling him she was in love with him up until the break, how was he to know otherwise?

[shh!]

I'd say she wasn't confident in expressing her needs because she was lying... I don't know how he could have known, but I know males very often refuse to look at little problems along the way. Ever notice that it is almost always males who say they were blind-sided when the relationship fails? It's hard to imagine there were absolutely no clues along the way. Maybe males just aren't as good at detecting them, or maybe they just refuse to acknowledge them... I don't know, but maybe he should try to work on figuring that out...

[starbuck]

If so, then I understand where his blame comes from. He feels like he's been manipulated, and that is the worst feeling. But I know you understand, shh. Your advice hasn't been unsympathetic.

[Cain]

I don't know what's real and what's not real. Even after the break up she's done things to show that she still has feelings for me and it seems as if she's trying to distance herself to make it easier. I have a hard time believing that she never loved me and she wasn't in love with me. Not with the way we were when we were together.

What is bothering is how she's handled the break up. She communicated to me at times so I had no reason to believe that she was holding things back. So she either had doubts that she didn't communicate or that was her bullshit reasoning.

I showed Starbuck a chat that I had with my ex two days before we broke up. In that conversation, my ex was saying how we would never break up and that she couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with me.

[starbuck]

Yes, I was surprised. When he showed it to me and then said a few days later she wanted a break, I was like WTF!

[Cain]

Yes, I was surprised. When he showed it to me and then said a few days later she wanted a break, I was like WTF!

I think that people thought I was exaggerating when I said that this break up came out of nowhere.

It literally came out of nowhere. There were no signs that we were breaking up. The only thing that happened from the time she sent those messages til the time we broke up is that we didn't talk very much at all for those couple of days.

[shh!]

You know, I don't know what your dating history was before this girl, but most people are attracted to a "type".

I used to fall for heavy drinkers because I had a lot of experience in knowing what to expect out of them. It wasn't an accident that I ended up with guys like this. The guy that shredded my heart was a real bastard, too. After we broke up, I spent time analyzing why I always ended up with assholes, and that was the last time I dated a jerk (or a heavy drinker).

I'm just trying to say that your choice in women may have played a role. I would spend some time contemplating that, sweety. If you don't, you are going to pick another woman who is this "type" - whatever that type is.

[Cain]

You know, I don't know what your dating history was before this girl, but most people are attracted to a "type".

I used to fall for heavy drinkers because I had a lot of experience in knowing what to expect out of them. It wasn't an accident that I ended up with guys like this. The guy that shredded my heart was a real bastard, too. After we broke up, I spent time analyzing why I always ended up with assholes, and that was the last time I dated a jerk (or a heavy drinker).

I'm just trying to say that your choice in women may have played a role. I would spend some time contemplating that, sweety. If you don't, you are going to pick another woman who is this "type" - whatever that type is.

This is the first girl that has actually been able to win her way into my heart. Before her, I never let a relationship last longer than three months.

EDIT: It's funny. Shew knew that I had never allowed a relationship to last longer than three months because I would get bored with it and she kept saying she hopes I don't get bored of her and that I don't break up with her. Kinda ironic.

[Yacker]

I am actually not surprised that your ex did what she did. Telling you what you wanted to hear but also thought she truly felt that then breaking a few days afterwards. The girl sounds like to me she is really confused and doesn't know what she wants at this point in her life. I have seen many girls do this before. I am not sure if anger is going to really solve anything for you and I tend to do that myself in these situations. Finding things to get angry about so I don't keep moping around. I think eventually you'll stop being angry and will just accept the situation, but you don't want to work it up into something completely full of hatred.

She should probably not contact you though as she is going through the ups and downs with her confusing emotions for you and herself. She probably feels a lot of what you are feeling and pretty lonely as well. She needs to be on her own for a while. I think only then she'll realize what she doesn't or does want to have in her life and will stop dragging you into that roller coaster ride.

Perhaps you should tell her to stop all communication with you as it isn't helping you move on. Don't think of the experience as a waste but learn from it and apply that to the next relationship. I have seen a lot of your threads and probably others have said these things before, just thought I'd share.

[Cain]

I'd say she wasn't confident in expressing her needs because she was lying... I don't know how he could have known, but I know males very often refuse to look at little problems along the way. Ever notice that it is almost always males who say they were blind-sided when the relationship fails? It's hard to imagine there were absolutely no clues along the way. Maybe males just aren't as good at detecting them, or maybe they just refuse to acknowledge them... I don't know, but maybe he should try to work on figuring that out...

I'm not stupid. If there had been signs that the relationship was headed for the toilet, I'd have seen it.

I went through the conversations I've had with her with Starbuck and even she was amazed. There were no signs. My ex couldn't even point out the signs. When I asked about whether it was gradual or sudden, she tried to make shit up. She said it was gradual and that she wasn't upset that the last two visits we had were over. Which is bullshit, because she cried just as much the last two visits as she did in all of the ones before that. And immediately after the visit was over she was missing me and wanting the next visit to get here.

[Cain]

I am actually not surprised that your ex did what she did. Telling you what you wanted to hear but also thought she truly felt that then breaking a few days afterwards. The girl sounds like to me she is really confused and doesn't know what she wants at this point in her life. I have seen many girls do this before. I am not sure if anger is going to really solve anything for you and I tend to do that myself in these situations. Finding things to get angry about so I don't keep moping around. I think eventually you'll stop being angry and will just accept the situation, but you don't want to work it up into something completely full of hatred.

She should probably not contact you though as she is going through the ups and downs with her confusing emotions for you and herself. She probably feels a lot of what you are feeling and pretty lonely as well. She needs to be on her own for a while. I think only then she'll realize what she doesn't or does want to have in her life and will stop dragging you into that roller coaster ride.

Perhaps you should tell her to stop all communication with you as it isn't helping you move on. Don't think of the experience as a waste but learn from it and apply that to the next relationship. I have seen a lot of your threads and probably others have said these things before, just thought I'd share.

I don't care what she's feeling anymore.

All I want is for her to live a miserable life. I don't want her to be happy. I want her to be completely miserable in every way.

I don't know how she's feeling because she won't tell me. She is putting on a front that everything is chipper and that she's doing fine. It could be true, or it could be that it's bothering her but she can't tell me that because that would ruin the break up.

I'll get over the anger when I finally move on from her. But I'll still wish her a miserable life.