POLL: big deal or not? advice/opinion needed

[kleines_arschlo]

hi all. i'm looking for opinions on a little (?) problem i've been having with my girlfriend. background: i'm 25 and she's 27, we've been dating for almost 9 months now. we have a relatively good relationship (there's not perfect ones, right?). the problem i'm having is contact with ex-boyfriends, or more specificaly gifts from them. about 5 months ago she received a pair of earrings from an ex-boyfriend, and even though she claimed that it doesn't mean anything, she refused to get rid of them for close to 5 months, despite my objections. finally, ahe gave them to me the other day, and i threw them into the garbage (where they belong). just recently, another ex-boyfriend gave her some sort of religious illustration (she's christian) and once again she refuses to get rid of it. these 2 ex-boyfriends have been contacting her on and off during our relationship, hoping to get back with her. if she really wanted she could be with either of them. now, i have a very hard, zero-tolerance policy about such contact with exes (for both of us). the earring situation did stress our relationship quite a bit, as she was getting increasingly irritated about me insisting she gets rid of them, and me getting increasingly irritated about her NOT getting rid of them. what should i do about this recent present? i feel that i really need to insist on something that i feel is a very sensible rule in a serious relationship, but then again i'm considering just letting it go for the sake of not starting an argument. we are pretty serious about each other. am i getting upset over a minor issue, or am i right, and this is not that minor at all? any insight or advice would be appreciated. sorry for the long sentances... ;-)

thanks in advance

[squirrley]

Shoot-she shouldve given them back right away! Thanks but no thanks. These arent gifts of hey thank you-were talkn jewelry here-a gift you give a significant other! Ok you have some rights to this situation in letting her know youre uncomfortable with it. Why the heck is she butting heads with you on this? What is her reason for accepting them?

Honestly, in MY opinion I would be leary here-yes she told you about it-but then makes this huge issue of wanting to keep them. WHY? Shes not with them shes with you! SHE knows what these gifts represent and what theyre doing...obviously this puts a huge strain on your relationship-because she wants these things, so what does that say to YOU? I know this might sound crappy (and I dont know her so im not making a judgement call here) but if she were really in love with you she wouldnt do this-she wouldnt take those gifts ESPECIALLY knowing how you feel about it, and then make a federal case of keeping them. She could also just be fighting for the sake of fighting and trying to make a stand for herself. Despite what you say shes keeping the earrings.

Im with you on this one-X's are x's for a reason and she shouldnt be taking these gifts.

[kleines_arschlo]

Shoot-she shouldve given them back right away! Thanks but no thanks. These arent gifts of hey thank you-were talkn jewelry here-a gift you give a significant other! Ok you have some rights to this situation in letting her know youre uncomfortable with it. Why the heck is she butting heads with you on this? What is her reason for accepting them?

Honestly, in MY opinion I would be leary here-yes she told you about it-but then makes this huge issue of wanting to keep them. WHY? Shes not with them shes with you! SHE knows what these gifts represent and what theyre doing...obviously this puts a huge strain on your relationship-because she wants these things, so what does that say to YOU? I know this might sound crappy (and I dont know her so im not making a judgement call here) but if she were really in love with you she wouldnt do this-she wouldnt take those gifts ESPECIALLY knowing how you feel about it, and then make a federal case of keeping them. She could also just be fighting for the sake of fighting and trying to make a stand for herself. Despite what you say shes keeping the earrings.

Im with you on this one-X's are x's for a reason and she shouldnt be taking these gifts.

thanks for the reply. she has a HUGE issue with admitting she is wrong, and she always tried to excuse her behaviour by saying "it was early in our relationship". with the last gift, she is saying "its something neat to have" (she is VERY religious). we have other issues, mostly with me being agnostic and her being born-again christian, but otherwise we have strong feelings for each other. she has forgiven some very bad things i've done (piss off all of her friends). we tried breaking up a few times and we always got back together quickly. all of that makes me feel very good about us, but its things like this post that make me feel very uncomfortable and distrusting. my lack of trust shows too, and she always wonders why i feel that way (she thinks i am insecure).

[Konstantine]

Well with the earrings, as wrong as it may seem, perhaps she really liked them? I could never personally accept gifts from my exes but if they were trying to remain friends, it wouldn't really be too out of the ordinary. But since you said they both had romantic feelings for her still, then no, what she's doing is wrong.

[Cybog]

I have, and always will stand by my beliefs:

If you want to keep your little gifts, regardless of their worths, from Ex-boyfriends, then you can feel free to go date him instead of me.

Its like Squirrley said: Ex's are ex's for a reason. And any guy KNOWS that when he is sending a girl something, he is simply TRYING to stir some shit up with her current boyfriend, or trying to get back together with them, or trying to win that person's favor.

What other reasons would some punk ass ex-boyfriend that knows she is currently taken do it?

[GBRaul]

yea somethin's realli wrong here m8. I tink tt if she realli liked those gifts i feel U shud b the one gettin them for her?

I'm not sure how tis wud work out but u cud giv her sth similar, not the same thing but sth similar, and mebbe make known ur romantic attraction to each other, sth along the lines of carvin ur names on a tree or matchin rings. Sth lyk tt. Jus tt the bond between u 2 shud b splashed out on the gift. Idk... not much experience in tis dating scene. (yet )

[King Zarathu]

try telling her the very same thing you told us in your first post.. in the proper grammar form, of course. tell her the way you feel

[Alla_Aleks]

I agree with GBRaul.

If you gave her more presents it would be more easy for her to refuse those ex's presents.

[Cybog]

He is 25 and she is 27. Showering her with gifts isnt going to win her favor anymore, unless she is a money grubber, which it seems she isnt.

Simply tell her you are not comfortable with her recieving these tokens from her ex-boyfriends, and then tell her why it makes you upset.

And...please....GBRaul...you might have something worth saying, but I cant understand a damn bit of it.

[squirrley]

What in the hell kind of advice is giving her more gifts? NO WAY! DONT EVER think or feel you have to compete with her x's, thats just bullshit. And its also OBVIOUS omg thats just stupidity to do something like that, dont do it.

Tell her how it makes you feel. If you confront the situation with YOUR feelings she should listen and stop taking those gifts. Dont approach her with a negative attack on shes doing something wrong, but that it makes you uncomfortable, you'll know what to say.

[GBRaul]

oh then i shall start typin in more complete english... sorry about that... and i m very new to this dating thing, but i do think that giving her gifts that you think she would like would help. Not as a sort of competition, not treating her as some sorta money grubber, but like i said in my previous post you should make known your romantic attraction to each other, sth along the lines of carvin your names on a tree or matchin rings, on your gift. But that's jus an opinion from an inexperienced soul here.

And yeah... make known that you are uncomfortable with her keeping gifts from her ex. Communication is of great importance in a relationship after all.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

As most things, it isn't as simple as clicking one option or the other. The middle way tends to be correct. She has issues yes, but you also have insecurities. I can understand where your policy of zero tolerance originates. I can easily see why you would choose to enforce it. However I have found that ex is not short for "excommunicated". Contact with ex's should exist, it's healthy. Think about it this way. Whenever you're with someone you're all about them. You think the world of them and want always to be with them (if not you're in a relationship just for the sake of being in one in which case you have a LOT more problems for an entirely different thread). To just one day cut that off and refuse contact with them is extremely unhealthy and a gross overreaction.

However you are in the right as far as gifts. The religious thing.....if it was just something small and minor it's no big deal. But the earrings are. Jewelry is one of the few gifts that holds more meaning that it's appearance, value or size. It holds something more intimate inside. You're perfectly rational there.

[jane]

I agree with Zekk and Squirt about this..

you have issues and so does she.. there is no cut and dry answer here. BUT! Dont think showering with gifts will help.. are you trying to buy her or love her?