How much communication in marriage?

[HonestLove]

I love my wife and she loves me. We are sure about that. We just celebrated our three year wedding anniversary. We've had our ups and downs during those three years. There have been no super serious problems like abuse or cheating, though.

I have to say, I don't share ALL of my feelings and private thoughts with my wife. She says she does with me.

Does being married mean some kind of mind meld? That ALL private thoughts have to be shared no matter what?

For example:
I feel a little resentment that my wife pressured me to leave my apartment and live with her.

I feel resentment that my wife pressured me to marry earlier than I wanted to.

Even now, three years later, my wife does not know these private thoughts. Based on how I know her, I know that sharing these thoughts would have a devastating effect on our relationship.

Am I wrong because I have thoughts like these and others that I don't share? Is she being honest when she says she shares all of hers? For those of you who are married, what are your boundaries on privacy and the sharing of all thoughts?

Thanks!

[ecojeanne]

gosh....i think my dad felt the same about mom...he never said it...but we cld kinda tell over the years....they are actually really happily married with each other 37 years....things have changed progressively over the years and infact theyr so in luv right now...its something maybe u shld speak to a shrink about...although im not a HUGE believer in always discussing every feeling...its up to u whether u tell her....the concequences or even the grief u'l get....ultimately do u want to spend the rest of ur life with ur wife?

[shh!]

What would be the point in telling her these things? It's not like you can resolve these issue NOW. Besides, you allowed yourself to be talked into doing whatever it was she asked. You are still responsible for the choices you made.

And no, married people do NOT share every single thought that runs through their mind. To do so would be emotionally irresponsible.

[HonestLove]

What would be the point in telling her these things? It's not like you can resolve these issue NOW. Besides, you allowed yourself to be talked into doing whatever it was she asked. You are still responsible for the choices you made.

And no, married people do NOT share every single thought that runs through their mind. To do so would be emotionally irresponsible.

You know, I think you are correct. I didn't share those thoughts at the time and I regret it now. And I agree there is no point to sharing them now. I was just using them as examples of private thoughts.

The point is, my wife says that no thought should be private in a marriage and so I have some feelings of guilt over it. I also have other private things that I just don't want to share with her. One of these is that I visit two web sites that would make her angry. One is this one (as of yesterday).

I feel extremely controlled by my wife and I'm not sure what to do with those feelings, either.

[starbuck]

Why would visiting Love Forum make her angry?

[RelationshipBud]

It is important to be open with you partner, but bringing up old resentments that cannot be resolved will do little for either of you.

If she asks you if you have any "resentments" or "issues with her", by all means, spill your heart out (tactfully and tastefully, of course).

But somewhat randomly saying "Honey, I want to be open with you. You know what? I have been resenting you for the past 3 years for pressuring me into marriage so early" will very likely not settle well...(and indigestion for her as well!)


Good Luck
Relationship-Buddy

[ecojeanne]

i wld have to disagree....i dont think it shld ever be brought up...unless u want trouble....like i said ultimately do u want to spend the rest of ur life wth ur wife?....if she's controlling then maybe u dont....or at least u shld maybe discuss the controlling matter wth her

[RelationshipBud]

I absolutely see what you mean and that is why I, too, think that it shouldn't be brought up for the sake of just bringing it up.

BUT, if she ever asks him "Hubby, do you ever wish that you got to live in your apartment longer?" -- He should answer truthfully. He doesn't need to say "Yes, deep down I'm actually still angry at you about that." Instead simply saying "You know, sometimes I look back and wish I had a little bit more time at my old place. But it's water under the bridge babe."

The fact that he got to "open up" (even just a little bit) would likely make him feel much better in the long run. Don't you agree?

[ecojeanne]

"You know, sometimes I look back and wish I had a little bit more time at my old place. But it's water under the bridge babe."

ive just tried to imagine what i would say or do if i had a husband who said that to me ......and maybe im not very understanding.....but i wld completely freak out thinking i forced him to be wth me whn he doesnt want to be....it wld make me paranoid forever

[RelationshipBud]

ive just tried to imagine what i would say or do if i had a husband who said that to me ......and maybe im not very understanding.....but i wld completely freak out thinking i forced him to be wth me whn he doesnt want to be....it wld make me paranoid forever

OP take that into consideration... Add to my earlier quote: "But don't get confused by what I mean - you didn't force me to be with you. I wanted, and still want, to be with you every single day."

[michzel creativ]

Talk to your wife and explain all the thoughts that you have in mind. I know there will be arguments at least your honest. Don't break your happy marriage life, learn to give and take.

[ecojeanne]

also to add to what i said earlier....not only wld i freak out and be paranoid but i wld also think how horrible my husband was for saying it now whn its too late to discuss rationally and also for not mentioning it whn it was relevant....just my thoughts of putting myself in her shoes

[starbuck]

Talk to your wife and explain all the thoughts that you have in mind. I know there will be arguments at least your honest. Don't break your happy marriage life, learn to give and take.

No, he should not share every little thing in his head with her. Some of his thoughts are private and rightfully so. There is no point to blurting out every little thing he thinks.

OP, no matter what she says, I seriously doubt your wife shares every little thought with you. She sounds like she's trying to coerce you into sharing things you may not feel necessary to share (like your example about the resentment). I think open lines of communication are good, but you are also entitled to your own private head space.

[shh!]

I agree with starbuck, and I want to add that I think if you feel she is controlling, THAT is worth addressing when it next comes up. If she is pushing you to share your private thoughts, you might want to express your resentment. She doesn't own your thoughts.

[michzel creativ]

Does being married mean some kind of mind meld? That ALL private thoughts have to be shared no matter what?

For example:
I feel a little resentment that my wife pressured me to leave my apartment and live with her.

I feel resentment that my wife pressured me to marry earlier than I wanted to.

Even now, three years later, my wife does not know these private thoughts. Based on how I know her, I know that sharing these thoughts would have a devastating effect on our relationship.

Am I wrong because I have thoughts like these and others that I don't share?

He's being troubled by this thoughts, you shouldn't enter this marriage life if you are not yet ready, maybe your just being cornered by your wife. For 3 yrs your hiding that feelings!, your unfair. For sure if ever your wife knows about that maybe she will file a divorce. Of course you are wrong...