My Jealousy / Self esteem issues

[sweetbitterness]

I'd say I was a generally down to earth guy, wittier than the mainstream, very loving and caring.

I'm now nearly 30 and have had a few relationships in my years, 3 of the 4 ended whereby I was told, or found out that my partner was or had been cheating on me.

I have been with a girl since the beginning of the year, who I know considerably well, and everything shouts to me that she's trusting and wouldn't do a thing to jeapordise our relationship, BUT...

I so easily find myself getting jealous and take a lot of little things personally when in all normality I shouldn't - I don't from my friends. I genuinely like this girl after I had a bout of about a year of seeing various ladies, but never even getting to a 'staying over' stage for mine or their part, other than one who is a friend I'm not in contact with any of them. I'm very choosey with ladies, not in a shallow sense, but I just think I know what I like.

I won't say I'm in love as I don't in all honesty think I am, but I do know I love being with her, and the times and memories we've already shared together. In a 'cheesey' way it has been a long time since I've felt open enough to let someone in as much as I have with her.

She knows about my past and my highs and lows, as I do about her. We know what we're each passionate about and naturally comfort one another when times aren't the most joyous. There's no skeletons in the closet that's for sure.

Most times we've been out with mine or her friends it's ended up with an argument that I have started picking about her talking/hugging other blokes. When I'm sober this isn't really a problem but does beg questions at least as to who the bloke is. It has put a downer on the night, but although she has been hurt by my comments and thoughts that she may be 'up to something' when it's just a friendly greeting, she has been very understanding. But neither of us frankly know exactly what can put my over-active mind to rest. She says it as simple as 'Do you really think I'm gonna go off with someone?' which frankly is the stupidity of it. I don't think that, but just fret about being made a fool of, as I have been before. This she also knows about.

Everytime the day after said 'night outs'. I genuinely feel an idiot, rightfully so, but don't know how to move forward. This is clearly going to destroy anything we have, and to be honest anything with anyone in the future.

When we're not out on the town I find it hard for her to say good things about other men - i.e. He's really really good at it, knows so much. For some reason I take it as, so they're better than me. It's horrific, and maybe I'm verging on mentally deranged, but I don't want it to break me, or us any longer.

Thought I'd see what you ladies thought.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[Dasein]

What exactly are you asking?

[sweetbitterness]

Basically how best do I over come my demons/the green eyed monster?

[shh!]

I think whether or not you overcome your issues, you need to shut up about it. You past should not be this girl's problem, and who hasn't been cheated on?

When you feel the jealousy, resist the urge to say anything about it at all. It will get easier with time, and if you stay with this woman long enough to develop some history, your feelings should subside.

[Dasein]

Well first things first.

These comments come out when you are drinking. Stop drinking.

If she is hugging a guy while you are out it is probably a friend. Go up to the guy put out your hand and shake it. Introduce yourself in a friendly way. Get to know him. Then it demystifies him. Let it be known that you are her main squeeze but not in an obsessive way.

I think most people encounter jealousy in their lives. But think about it this way..is it attracting her more to you when you are jealous or repelling her. If (like most times) it is repelling her then you need to stop yourself.

BTW I would also do a google search on cognative therapy. Often we blow things up in our mind and it esacalates when really it is quite minor.

[unikbydesign]

Breathe, Breathe, Breathe..when you know you have a problem and you acknowlegde it that is half the battle, you know drinking brings on the issues. Stop drinking and if you drink dont drink alot. But either way breathe and think about the things you say before you speak.