And yet again...

[lesa]

Why would you like to keep extending the break?

Whispers: control

It's understandable and actually okay to have a say in how to resolve issues in a relationship especially on topics like this one. She needs to understand that a serious relationship will have to include the other person when they feel they have a personal problem they are dealing with....not in all situations but certainly this one. He does not need to feel like a doormat. Be sure to not give off a vibe that you need control all the time though…or she will feel like a doormat. I say let her have complete control on this one...this time. You will have a discussion with her so there will be not another time.

[Cain]

I know that you don’t want to hear this but I still think she wants an engagement whether it’s consciously or unconsciously on her part.

We had talked about marriage before. She knows I want to marry her.. but she also knows that we aren't ready yet.

I don't see why she'd want to take a break because I haven't proposed... especially when she acts distant while we're on the break (I know distance is normal for breaks, but I don't see how she'd want to be more distant if she wanted to be engaged). Especially when I wouldn't know. I can't just assume she wants to get married right now and propose to her because that would put WAY more pressure on her and make things worse.

[Cain]

Whispers: control

It's understandable and actually okay to have a say in how to resolve issues in a relationship especially on topics like this one. She needs to understand that a serious relationship will have to include the other person when they feel they have a personal problem they are dealing with....not in all situations but certainly this one. He does not need to feel like a doormat. Be sure to not give off a vibe that you need control all the time though…or she will feel like a doormat.

It has NOTHING to do with control.

It's the fact that I don't see why we should get back into this relationship if we haven't had a face to face talk. Nothing will have changed. All of a sudden one day she just wakes up and says "hmm, I don't want this break anymore?" Bullshit.

A talk is what will fix this. And that won't happen for a month or two.

EDIT: Also, I gave her complete control the last time we had a break a year ago. It wasn't supposed to happen again. Look where that got us. We still hadn't sat down, face to face, and had a discussion on why the first break happened. I'll be damned if I let that happen again.

[lesa]

I don't see why she'd want to take a break because I haven't proposed...

She WON'T take a break if you have proposed. Unless she really doesn't see a 'we' in you guys yet. That's the point. You don't have to marry her anytime soon...in fact you don't have to marry her at all. It puts the 'we' in relationships of people who cannot see or feel that yet.

[Cain]

She WON'T take a break if you have proposed. Unless she really doesn't see a 'we' in you guys yet. That's the point. You don't have to marry her anytime soon...in fact you don't have to marry her at all. It puts the 'we' in relationships of people who cannot see or feel that yet.

All proposing is is another form of commitment. I don't see how us talking about marrying each other is any different than me saying "Will you marry me?" No matter what, either way, it's not binding.

I would love to marry this girl, but proposing right now is pretty much out of the question. It's too risky. If you're right, then that would be great... but if you're wrong, that would likely put so much pressure on her that we would have no shot at getting back together.

[lesa]

All proposing is is another form of commitment. I don't see how us talking about marrying each other is any different than me saying "Will you marry me?" No matter what, either way, it's not binding.

I would love to marry this girl, but proposing right now is pretty much out of the question. It's too risky. If you're right, then that would be great... but if you're wrong, that would likely put so much pressure on her that we would have no shot at getting back together.

I agree, it cannot be done any time in the near future. She was to get back to where things were. She doesn't feel committed right now but hopefully after some times she will feel better. I saw that you stated she removed her facebook status of you guys. Hmmm, I don't know...it's a very difficult situation to analyze and it's probably much better not to. I am assuming though that this break has absolutely nothing to do with her fearing any commitment. If so, I can give lots of info for that.

[Cain]

I agree, it cannot be done any time in the near future. She was to get back to where things were. She doesn't feel committed right now but hopefully after some times she will feel better. I saw that you stated she removed her facebook status of you guys. Hmmm, I don't know...it's a very difficult situation to analyze and it's probably much better not to. I am assuming though that this break has absolutely nothing to do with her fearing any commitment. If so, I can give lots of info for that.

I doubt it's a fear of commitment.

I think she just has distorted views on relationships. She thinks that she has to be able to give 100% or she shouldn't be in the relationship. And she has to be happy with herself. I still think, however, that this is just the time of year. I think that within the month, things should be back to normal.

The Facebook status isn't a big thing. I figured that was going to happen because we're not together anymore right now. We're broken up while we're on this break. She changed her status from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated"... so she's not off trying to show people she's single.

I was planning on proposing between March and May of next year. Yeah, that won't be happening now. It might not even happen in 2009. I'm not buying a ring for her if there's a chance this will happen again. She doesn't notice that by her going on this break, she's hurting us a bit.

[Cain]

Anyone else? That last question actually needed some answers.

Vash? Indi? Miso? Giga? Anyone?

[shh!]

Which question?

I don't think you should propose, if that is what you are asking.

As for why you don't want to get her to feel defensive, well that is obvious: you are already skating on thin ice. Too much pressure, and it may crack.

[Cain]

Which question?

I don't think you should propose, if that is what you are asking.

As for why you don't want to get her to feel defensive, well that is obvious: you are already skating on thin ice. Too much pressure, and it may crack.

No, I wasn't talking about the proposal.

I'm trying to figure out whether or not it's a good idea to do what I wanted to do and not end this break until we've had a face to face.

She has no pressure right now. We're barely talking. Things are good. But, I still think we need a face to face before we end this break whether she wants to tomorrow or not.

If me wanting that causes her to want to break things off again, she obviously didn't care, right?

[shh!]

I think you need to talk about it, but I am worried about your demeanor.

[lesa]

Honestly, she is not ready for a serious committed relationship anytime in the near future. By that, I mean anytime from now to 5-10 years! She needs that much time, imo. She loves you but she is definitely not ready. You guys need to decide are you willing to wait on each other for a future together beyond a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or is it fine having only a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and nothing else.

[starbuck]

I'm not sure I get the whole "break" thing. In any relationship. But personally speaking, I've never been one for "breaks" and "space." I'm either with the person or I'm not. But as I said, that's just me.

I do think Cain's girlfriend is causing some unnecessary resentment in him right now. And rightfully so. She is very lucky that he's been patient, because there are alot of guys who would have bailed by now.

[Cain]

I think you need to talk about it, but I am worried about your demeanor.

My demeanor? I'm not going to be rude or anything, but I think it's pretty self-serving for her to get irritated if I want to extend the break.

[Cain]

Honestly, she is not ready for a serious committed relationship anytime in the near future. By that, I mean anytime from now to 5-10 years! She needs that much time, imo. She loves you but she is definitely not ready. You guys need to decide are you willing to wait on each other for a future together beyond a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or is it fine having only a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and nothing else.

I don't believe that.

Is she ready to get married tomorrow? No.

Does she need to wait ten years? No.

In my opinion, she just needs to find a way to deal with her emotions without thinking she needs to cut people out.

Would I be willing to wait that long to marry her? Yes. If she and I stayed together, I'd wait that long to marry her. Marriage is just a title. Being with her is all that matters.