And yet again...

[misombra]

The only thing that bothers me about that is it's not like she's just sitting around doing nothing and crying about her friend. The last three days we've not talked much... about 5 minutes per day. She was out at a baseball game with girls from work, dinner, bar on Saturday... then shopping with her mom all day yesterday and out with some friends from high school... and then at the lake today with a friend of hers from work.

She wasn't as cold as she was last year though... she didn't cry last year. She cried this time.

just because she's not moping around doesn't mean she's not depressed about it.

[Cain]

just because she's not moping around doesn't mean she's not depressed about it.

Meh, for some reason I'd like to think that if it was bothering her that much, she'd need me to be there for her and not to push me away.

[misombra]

well cain, it doesn't always work that way.

[Cain]

well cain, it doesn't always work that way.

Obviously.

Oh well. Patience is a virtue... or so they say.

[IndiReloaded]

It sounds like with her mom & friends that you aren't her only source of emotional support. That's a GOOD thing, IMO.

What I would suggest, if you want to keep contact w/her, is to send her short, non-pressuring email/IMs letting her know you are thinking of her. This way, you'll stay in contact but she can answer (or not) when she has the time. It will give her a feeling of control while reinforcing that you still care. My husband used to write love letters to me when we were apart (we did that kind of thing back then). I still have them today. Its another thought.

Just don't overdo it and look desperate either. Its a fine balance.

[Cain]

It sounds like with her mom & friends that you aren't her only source of emotional support. That's a GOOD thing, IMO.

What I would suggest, if you want to keep contact w/her, is to send her short, non-pressuring email/IMs letting her know you are thinking of her. This way, you'll stay in contact but she can answer (or not) when she has the time. It will give her a feeling of control while reinforcing that you still care. My husband used to write love letters to me when we were apart (we did that kind of thing back then). I still have them today. Its another thought.

Just don't overdo it and look desperate either. Its a fine balance.

Last time we broke up, I was ready to move on. After a few weeks, she came back because she needed me. I'm not doing what I did then, though. I made it seem like I was done and over her (which I was ready to do), but I'm not doing that now. I'm going to let her have her space for the next couple of weeks. I might send her a text every now and then, but not many. I feel that the space is important and she needs to have it.

I'm just trying to decide the best way to approach this visit in Sept. I don't want to tell her that I'm coming in case she says no, but I don't want to let this phone break be the final thing. There needs to be a face to face, but she thinks seeing me will confuse her even more.

I don't know what to do. I'm a huge believer that there needs to be some kind of a face to face.

[misombra]

there will be just don't worry about it right now.

you're putting too much pressure for things to happen. september is a couple months away and i'm sure things will settle down way before then.

[Cain]

there will be just don't worry about it right now.

you're putting too much pressure for things to happen. september is a couple months away and i'm sure things will settle down way before then.

Wait... what...?

Am I in the future or something? Cause I thought September was in a couple of weeks.

[1averagejoe]

Awww Cain...I feel for you man. I remember when my ex tried to take a break, which turned into a breakup, which I later found out she had been cheating long before that. But I don't think you're girlfriend is anything like my psycho ex...lol.

I know that feeling of wanting to just pick up the phone and talk to her, just wanting to see her face to face. It's hard, it drove me crazy. Give the girl space, just because she's not calling you or crying doesn't mean she's not stressed or sad. All the things you mentioned that she has been doing are great ways of coping with stress or depression. Going out with friends, shopping, family...I also agree with a simple quick message just asking how she's doing or that you're thinking about her would be a good thing. Give it a couple weeks before doing that though.

Reasons like this is why I would never have a long distance relationship.

I'm rooting for you though!

[Cain]

Awww Cain...I feel for you man. I remember when my ex tried to take a break, which turned into a breakup, which I later found out she had been cheating long before that. But I don't think you're girlfriend is anything like my psycho ex...lol.

I know that feeling of wanting to just pick up the phone and talk to her, just wanting to see her face to face. It's hard, it drove me crazy. Give the girl space, just because she's not calling you or crying doesn't mean she's not stressed or sad. All the things you mentioned that she has been doing are great ways of coping with stress or depression. Going out with friends, shopping, family...I also agree with a simple quick message just asking how she's doing or that you're thinking about her would be a good thing. Give it a couple weeks before doing that though.

Reasons like this is why I would never have a long distance relationship.

I'm rooting for you though!

I definitely don't suspect she's cheating.

And don't get me wrong.. I'm not trying to smother her. I'm giving her the space she needs. And it's not that I need to see her face to face and just try to get her back... it's not that at all. I just feel that we need to discuss this face to face.. the same thing we discussed on the phone. She'll have the next two weeks to work on getting herself situated before I go up there. I'll drive the four hours to talk to her for only an hour.

[misombra]

Wait... what...?

Am I in the future or something? Cause I thought September was in a couple of weeks.

you're crazy.

sorry i bothered to help.

[Cain]

you're crazy.

sorry i bothered to help.

...

You said September was in a couple of months.

It's in three weeks.

I appreciate the advice, though.

I figure three weeks will be plenty of time for things to cool down a bit.

[Cain]

This is definitely the hardest thing I've had to face.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where we stand. I couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am last night. I'm experiencing all of the stages of grief at the same time.

I'm in denial. I know that we're on a break right now, but I can't accept that we're over for good. I don't know what's running through her head right now and I really wish I did. She has yet to remove her little messages to me from her AIM profile, hasn't removed that she's in a relationship with me on her Facebook, and hasn't removed our pictures on her Facebook. Maybe she just hasn't had time. Maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe she just doesn't care.

I'm angry. I'm angry because I feel like I did something wrong even though she denies it. I'm angry that we were doing so well and now we're going through this again. I'm angry because I am so damn attached to her emotionally that I feel like I need her in my life in order to function. I'm angry that she's not sure what the problem is but she might not see her therapist. I'm angry because I don't know if this will ever happen again even if we do get back together some day.

I'm anxious. I'm having a hard time focusing. The lecture from my profressor today just kind of went right through my head. I didn't hear most of what she said. I was only thinking about my gf. I was thinking about how good things have been between us and how amazing our relationship is when we see each other. This whole break thing came out of nowhere, and that's one of the reasons I think it had to do with her best friend's birthday today (the one that died 3 years ago).

I'm sad. I have really never been this sad for as long as I can remember. I'm one that has built up emotional walls to keep emotions out of my life. I was an evil, evil person when I moved back to Ohio to live with my mom because I didn't feel anything. My family has noticed a big improvement in my emotions... and it's all because of my gf. She was able to get me to feel again... to have emotion... to give emotion. And now that might be gone. I'm worried, because if we're done forever, my wall is going to come right back up, built bigger and higher than it was because I don't want to feel the hurt again.

I'm depressed. All I want to do is go home and go to sleep. She got me this little bear from her school several months ago and sprayed it with her perfume... no ****ing joke, but I sat with it last night smelling it because the smell reminded me of her. I've turned into a ****ing pussy and this is bugging the hell out of me.

I don't know where we stand. I don't know how she feels. I wish I did. I don't know if this is a temporary thing or if it's forever. She told me last night that everything she's said to me about her feelings for me are true. If that's the case, there's no way we can be done forever... I mean, we were talking about marriage. We were picturing us together forever. She's told me that she's never been close to feeling this way about anyone before me.

I've been thinking about this September thing more and more... trying to decide what to do. It really sucks, because either way it could be bad. If I ask her about seeing each other so we can have a face to face, knowing her, she's going to say no. But that does me no good because in order for me to get better about this situation, we need a face to face. I need to gauge her reaction in person. But if I just show up, she might get mad... but she might not. She might be happy to see me... but she might not. I look at it this way... I need the face to face. I'm not going to push the relationship on her. I'll give her the space she needs before and after the one day visit. But I really think this is important.

And to everyone, I'm sorry for all of the negative comments I've made in some of my posts here. This whole situation has got me feeling really emotional and I've realized I've been pretty cruel on here and in person at times. I sure as shit hope this stops soon.

[lesa]

Sorry that you are going through this Cain.

I would not visit her without warning but I would visit if she gives the okay. If she cannot give you an exact reason for the break then that is a very bad sign and if it has occurred before then that is even worse. I am thinking her depression is a factor. Her grad school thing may be a major possible factor or her vision for the future changed or she spoke to someone and they influenced her in some way (a possible factor IMO).

She feels she cannot give her all to this relationship right now and feels it is better to have a break, really I think, is the real reason; however, there is always more to it…don’t try to analyze it because it will drive you insane. However, if that is the reason it usually ends as a complete breakup soon thereafter. Ask her is she willing to stay together right now but in a very light, easygoing relationship with little to no contact. Only do this if you are fine with it because it is not easy and worse than the LDR. It’s the same as a break but it allows you guys to be technically together as boyfriend & girlfriend. If she says no then you really know there is more to it than the depression.

Being with someone who has severe depression can be extremely difficult because it requires a lot of patience and it takes an individual who is okay with a mellow, effortless relationship in order for it to work in the long run. You have to be willing to expect almost nothing of them.

As everyone already stated, if you contact her too much in any way, this break will make it easier for her to just let it go because she already feels that she cannot give her all. She will contact you when she is ready but I would avoid contacting her for now.

[IndiReloaded]

Contacting her w/o her permission is simply disrespectful, Cain. I don't know how to put it any more bluntly than this.

If she says no to a visit, then showing up unannounced is NOT going to make anything better. In fact, it will likely make things worse.

I had a BF in high school/1st year uni who did this to me. We were slowly growing apart b/c we were moving on different paths (he was pre-law & I was science). We were at different uni about 3 hours apart (door to door). We were on a 'trial' brake up for 2 weeks, similar to what you are currently experiencing, and he decided to show up unannounced one Friday. He called me from the restaurant he was waiting at & wanted me to drop everything & come see him. I was quite peeved b/c I was studying for a major mid-term coming up that Monday. I did the right thing, I went & met him (and confirmed our break up in person), when I had every right to just blow him off & send him home for showing w/o notice. To me, his arriving unannounced was actually very selfish of him and simply bad manners.

A phone call would have done & I would have been happy to meet him the following week after my exams, but he couldn't wait & it cost him.

Think about it, Cain.