ex cheating bf and enjoys contact with me but won't come back !

[broken_arro]

Hi.

Here's my breakup story which I decided to post in order to hear what the people here have to say.

cliffs :

1) Been with a very beautiful though insecure girl for 1.5 year. She was very into me from day 1 whereas, although I liked her, I was shy enough to hold back my feelings, making her feel I didn't care about her (which was a wrong assumption).

2) She broke up with me 2 months ago. I tried to take her back after 1 week of NC, she told me she was with another guy who she wasn't having feelings for, however he does EVERYTHING she asks. makes her feel like the most important person in the world (she is actually treating him like a puppy.. go there, do that... AND HE DOES !!!), and she hopes that along the way feelings for him would come.

3) I was having frequent contact with her (and sex a few times) since then, she cried almost every time she met me, but she refused to let the other guy go because she felt things with us would not change and we would again break up after a few months.

4) She would contact me when she was alone but I couldn't contact her whenever I wanted because she was with the other guy. I couldn't take that anymore and after numerous attempts (diamond ring included i.e no fear of commitment) of showing her I REALLY care about her and see her seriously in my life, she didn't change her mind so I asked her for NC.

5) Now on day 4 of NC, don't plan on contacting her anymore but don't know what to do if she contacts me. I still want and love her a lot...

.....

6) Profit ?

Anyways, read along, it's an interesting story...

I was with a girl for 1,5 years. For her it was love at first sight. From the very first moment she showed me she was 100% into me… She looked me in the eyes and I could see she was carried away. Never before have I seen a girl look at me this way… She is extremely beautiful and I liked her a lot, however it took me quite some time before I could show it to her. To be honest, I was quite indifferent at the beginning, at least that’s what she thought. She is extremely insecure. The first time we went out as a couple she told me “what are you doing with me ? you could have any girl you want, girls much better than me”. And believe me, she’s the kind of girl that could date any person she wanted and should not be insecure at all !

Anyways, her previous relationships were extremely jealous of her, didn’t let her go out on her own, they didn’t go anywhere without her… I was the extreme opposite. Straight from the beginning I would continue to go out with friends 2-3 times per week without her and of course encouraged her to do the same if she wanted. She wasn’t complaining… I moved in at her home. We made dreams to start a family, have kids, spend the rest of our lives together. (I am 26 she is 20-21). I met her mother (not her father, I’m shy like that) she met mine, we were happier than ever. At least that’s what I thought…

Time went by and about 7 months into the relationship she snapped. Told me that during our relationship there were numerous nights when I went out with friends that she stayed crying at home, sometimes inflicting self-injuries, without telling me, for fear she would lose me… She complained that I hid her from everyone, didn’t share much of my life with her and that I wasn’t proud of her (god forbid, she was the most beautiful woman I ever dated and was EXTREMELY proud of her, it’s just that I am a bit shy as a person and do not express my feelings that easy). I explained that I could try and change things, go out less frequently with my friends and also offered to take her with me anytime she wanted. I did so, went out with friends only once or twice every two weeks, but after a few months she started complaining again for the very same reason. From then on, things went downhill… I moved out of her house and returned to mine, we would argue and break up once every month, however I always chased her back and she returned. I was starting to feel very weird in the relationship however I couldn’t let go because I loved her so much…

Because of work, last May I had to move out to another city, which of course is only 1 hour away, and need to stay there until February 2009. She told me that if I didn’t make a serious commitment when I got back she would break up with me. I became a bit “cold inside” when she told me that. It’s not that I didn’t want it, it’s that I don’t like deadlines in such a serious matter. And I told her so. Anyways, things were cold between us from then on, we stopped having sex (I turned her down every time she tried) and finally we broke up 1 week after I changed cities, for the same reasons that came up in the past (she felt I didn’t care enough about her and I only care about myself and my friends).

I called her after 1 week of NC and tried to make things up. She told me she was with another guy, younger than her (until then she had promised herself that she would only date older men) who was crazy for her and gave her everything that she wanted. He didn’t let her move a muscle, she kept bringing her whatever she requested (food, gifts e.t.c.) whenever she requested it, kept spending tons of money for her and made her feel comfortable because “he’s not as smart as you are and thus I feel smarter than him when we are together” and “I can make him do whatever I want, I just have to ask and he will do it without second thoughts”.

Anyways, I decided to move on with my life and within the next two weeks I slept with a few women in order to get over my ex (they all knew that it was just sex and nothing more), but nothing could make me stop thinking of her. I contacted her again and she agreed to go out for lunch with me. We ended up having sex at my place and her telling me that “I knew you would make me want you if I saw you again, but we can’t be together”. I let her go. (Of course, weeks later she told me that she would have definitely come back to me if I had insisted more that time at my house).

One week after that we met again, she came to my place for 3 days, saw that I had indeed changed, we slept together again and that time she was half a step from calling the guy she was with to tell him to break up. I told her not to do so because I didn’t want her to regret it afterwards (I now regret doing that of course !!!). She told me she would think about it and let me know her decision within the week… She went back to her place and, for the next couple days, she kept spending time with the other guy, however when he would leave, she would immediately call me (2 am – 3 am) or catch me up on MSN and we would talk for hours, talking to me like we were together. Suddenly, on the 4th day she stopped calling. It was their 1 month anniversary the previous night and, of course, the way they spent it must have changed something in her or made her feel guilty. I contacted her and she told me that she decided to stay with the other guy because, although she was not yet in love with him, she was getting everything she wanted, she couldn’t believe in us anymore and she thought that, if we got back, things would be the same after a couple of months. I put much pressure on her to come to my home for one last time, she did, and she just told me that her decision was final. I returned her home and when saying goodbye, I cried for the first time in 1.5 years. No begging, no nothing, just couldn’t believe I had lost her. She cried with me and told me that, if I wanted, I could join her the very next day when she was baptizing a child. Unfortunately, I was too shy to go. When I told her I wouldn’t go, she asked the other guy, who went there and met her parents, as her friend. Of course they knew what he really was to her.

From that moment on, she was extremely different with me, emotionless. She never initiated contact but had no problem talking to me for hours, provided that the other guy wasn’t there, having phone sex with me e.t.c., however, everytime I started telling her I want her back and I cared a lot about her, she told me that that conversation was very tiring for her.

We met three weeks ago when he was out of town for business, had sex again but this time it was different. After it was over, you could see she was feeling guilty this time, a look she didn’t have the previous times. She told me that she had to catch a plane in a few hours to meet the other guy and go on vacation together. She asked me not to call her and told me to wait for her to call me. She went to the airport and before boarding the plane she called me (only a couple hours after we split). She told me I was extremely different and that she felt she didn’t know me at all... I rushed to the airport to stop her from leaving. She insisted that she should go and that she would be the one to call me. I kept NC for 2 days but then started calling numerous times. She couldn’t answer, she was with him the whole time, and to make matters worse he found out we were talking (not about meeting or sleeping together though) and had a big fight with her. When she returned from vacation, she called me and told me that I shouldn’t have been calling her like crazy because she was with the other guy and had decided to stay with him. I joked about me going out with another woman (wanted to make her jealous) and when she heard that, she started shouting and told me that she never wanted to see me again (whereas she was also seeing another guy) ! I told her I was joking. Again many hours speaking on the phone when she was alone, phone sex e.t.c. but didn't want to meet me, I believe for fear she would again roll back to me. I requested one last contact to give her something I always wanted. She came to my home last Wednesday and I gave her a diamond ring...

[broken_arro]

...Not an engagement ring but something for her to know that I see her seriously in my life and that I had no problem, when I came back in February, to commit. She cried, hugged me, started kissing me but said she couldn’t believe in us anymore. I told her to think about it and tell me as soon as she was sure.

She contacted me the very next night through MSN and we chatted for a couple hours (the other guy was sleeping next to her the whole time !!!) She was very touched by the ring, said it was the most wonderful thing anyone had done for her, she cried over the phone, but she was very afraid to come back because she believed that in the long run things wouldn’t change between us and didn’t want to risk something that made her happy right now. She didn’t want to feel like a fool again. She told me she is finally starting to feel things for the other guy (after 1.5 months together !!!). She also told me that she knows it would be the best for both of us to stop talking, however she couldn’t ask it on herself because she knew she would miss me a lot. When I said goodbye she told me she loved me and said that she hoped to see me in her dreams that night !!! We talked the next day for a completely different matter and when I told her I still miss her and want her back she said that she was tired of that conversation and that, if I asked her to, we could stop all kinds of contact (she wouldn’t ask it by herself). I told her I couldn’t take it anymore. I mean, she was the one freely contacting me whenever she wanted and then spend the rest of the day with the other guy, whereas, when I wanted to call her, it was impossible because she wasn’t alone. I was the one agonizing alone at home. She had a guy to go to… It was hurting me much more than her. I asked her to stop talking with me. I went NC.

On day 5 of NC, my phone at home rang. I picked it up, but the other person just hung up when he/she heard my voice. Now, only my ex has my home phone number (haven't given it to anyone else) so it was either her or someone who dialed the wrong number and decided to hung up without responding at all... I tend to believe it was my ex since she did exactly the same thing the first time she thought she wouldn't hear from me at all.

It's now Day 9 of NC.

I’m very confused… Thoughts or opinions on this sick situation are more than welcome. Is there any chance for her to come back to me? I suspect that things will not last long with the other guy. I believe that if you are not into a guy from the beginning you can’t push yourself to like him in the long run. She just likes what he gives her right now but I believe this will fade away or she’ll get bored of a guy running after her all the time. No woman likes guys to be puppies ! Duh, let me hear what you have to say…

[Mish]

I only read the cliff notes, sorry

Let her be. She'll contact you if she's ready to come back. If she doesn't then she's made a decision against you and you should let her go.

[broken_arro]

I only read the cliff notes, sorry

Let her be. She'll contact you if she's ready to come back. If she doesn't then she's made a decision against you and you should let her go.

Thanks for your input.

Judging from the cliffs, I understand your point. However things are much more complicated, thus the VERY LONG story. Had you read it you would see that it's not that simple. She didn't strike me as the kind of girl who would be in a relationship and sleep with another guy (i.e. me), had there not been a VERY SERIOUS reason. It is obvious by what she had been doing these last two months that she is either really confused, still wants me and cannot let me out of her life or wants me as a back-up solution in case things don't work out with the other guy or to wait until February when I get back to town.

That's why I have implemented NC. In both cases, it is the correct way to go.

Thanks once again... And other opinions are also welcome.

[Mish]

It is obvious by what she had been doing these last two months that she is either really confused, still wants me and cannot let me out of her life or wants me as a back-up solution in case things don't work out with the other guy or to wait until February when I get back to town.

Would you really want to be with her if either case was true?

I personally think that if she's confused it means she's not ready to make a decision and you should avoid her. If she's looking at you as a backup plan then you should avoid her.

The fact that she slept with you while in relationship with another guy raises a lot of suspicions regarding her trustworthiness. Personally I wouldn't want to be with some one like that.

To answer your original question, yes there is a chance she may come back to you, but if I were you it would be a chance I would personally not be taking.

[broken_arro]

Would you really want to be with her if either case was true?

I personally think that if she's confused it means she's not ready to make a decision and you should avoid her. If she's looking at you as a backup plan then you should avoid her.

The fact that she slept with you while in relationship with another guy raises a lot of suspicions regarding her trustworthiness. Personally I wouldn't want to be with some one like that.

To answer your original question, yes there is a chance she may come back to you, but if I were you it would be a chance I would personally not be taking.

Hmmm... Your reply put me into many thoughts. I honestly don't know what I'll do if she breaks NC.

[nuevo]

I hate this kind of girl, I would get a new one...

You tried, she is a bitch (sorry),

leave her alone (= get over her and move on), is the best thing for you to do,

she doesn't deserve you...and in my opinion she has TWO puppies, guess who is the second one???

[broken_arro]

and in my opinion she has TWO puppies, guess who is the second one???

Harsh words but true.

That's also one of the reasons I decided to go NC. To keep any dignity I have left...

I didn't feel like a puppy when she agreed to meet with me or have sex with me, however, when she started refusing and I kept asking, I felt like I was losing self-respect (the most important thing a guy has in a woman's eyes), and that's when I went NC.

Keeping my dignity is the only thing that can make her come back, if she ever decides to. No woman likes puppies...

I just don't know whether, if she comes back, I'll be in a position to accept her back or I will have moved on with my life (which seems like a very true scenario if she doesn't call within a short period of time. I am starting to really get over her by reading forums and finding things to do rather than think of her all day).

[lastwish]

I like puppies.

[broken_arro]

I like puppies.

All things considered, I am starting to believe that so does she.

[broken_arro]

Thanks to pettit-papillon for the PMs. Unfortunately, I cannot send PMs yet to respond. But thanks for your insight anyway...

I believe you are right, although I do not believe that she will be with that guy for way too long because I don't think she respects him as a man (I insist, sooner or later, women get bored of guys who become puppies). Maybe I am wrong, who knows...

However I am at a point in my healing where I do not believe I will care a lot whatever happens from now on...