sick of people's expectations

[miSSleepy]

The community my family socialises with (mostly European) are too meddling. They're too self-righteous, too traditional, and too gossipy.

I know i hear plenty about other people's lives - so I can just imagine what others hear about mine.

I'm living with my bf of 4 years, and I'm one of the few to be with an Australian, rather than someone of my own nationality. Now, we're not big on race etc, but it's just how things have worked out... most people in my generation have hooked up with a partner of their own nationality. That's no big deal I guess, but it's a factor. Makes things more challenging for him.

My dad has recently been on my back about taking things to the next level (i.e. marriage). Because that's what's right... you're with some one this long, living together, you should get married and have babies later.

My dad's friends daughter got married a few years ago, at 22/21ish ... to a guy she knew for 4 months and a guy for who she dumped her long-term bf. She's had 2 kids since, pretty much straight after. She's a housewife. I feel as if this girl is an example of where I should be at this point in my life.

Her`dad had the gall today to ask me questions about whether I've taught my bf our language, and how I should teach him, after asking me "where's your bf?" when he was obviously UP STAIRS, and when i told him that, his response was "he should be a husband by now, if not, that's stale find a fresh one!" ... joking of course - but why the **** joke about that??

I'm just thinking ... your son has failed university and does nothing with himself, your daughter has gotten nowhere with her studies and she's a mother of 2 being a housewife ... why pick on me?

I'm just sick of it. Sick of everyone's attitude.

Frankly, I don't want marriage. We're very financially unstable and I don't want a ****ing $3000 ring or a wedding or a certificate. I know I should be focusing on me, and him and us and what WE want, but I'm starting to hate this attention and pressure from people I didn't really choose to socialise with!

[Gribble]

Don't get married. Don't let them pressure you. If need be, put down your foot and explain yourself very clearly and very seriously. You aren't living under your father's roof, and I assume he isn't paying your bills, so he no longer has a say in how you live your life.

You would be amazed at the impact pulling your parents aside and having an adult conversation with them can have.

The last thing you need is to rush into getting married just so you can screw up your future, miss out on a lot of wonderful experiences and opportunities, and wind up divorced and with three kids to raise.

[miSSleepy]

Actually Gribble I AM living under my father's roof and he IS paying my bills! (mind you, some of my payment goes towards them still)
At the moment, with the lack of money, it's the only comfortable option available. He isn't some ogre, but it does make things all the more difficult. He doesn't really have the right to tell me how to live my life, no, I'm 22...

Talking is a good option. It will just take some convincing. He's very stubborn and very set in his ways. He always makes a point of telling me to "do what I feel is best" but then still manages to make me feel as if he's pulling a few strings subconsciously.

[Lipp]

Well, first off, I agree on that you don't want to tie yourself down with a marriage just yet.
It can probably be done in a less expensive manner if it's more about the bond than the festivities and items, but you still got years ahead of you to find out what you want to do and where to be, personally I've always found marriage to be suitable for when I find a person and a place that I don't want to let go of.

But also, I can't blame your dad. Sure, he could be worried about your siblings, but since both of them seem to have hit a bit of a dead end he'd might have his hopes and interest up about your success, and thus will try to influence.
A simple complaint through annoyance will not be sufficient unless it is rough enough to hurt the two of you, so if anything I would suggest that you have/try to make a plan, however sketchy it might be, and share it with him. Less worrying for him, a bit of direction for you, and he'd probably be more inclined to help you fulfill it. And if they are gossipy, just ask him not to spread the word around, if you think it'd help.

As for a european (which country though?) and an australian being in a relationship, well, it's a whole lot simpler than in many other cases, with the main obstacle being language. Shouldn't be that much of a hassle, as far as I know.

[shh!]

I'd get used to it. You haven't seen anything yet with regards to pressure to get married... wait till you are around 30!

Rather than get upset, I think you just need to get comfortable with saying "I don't plan to marry until I am at LEAST 30, if at all, because that is when statistics show divorce is less likely to occur". This will shut everyone up (at least temporarily).

For the record, despite how cute babies are, I think 22 is too young to get married, anyway. Your parents should be happy they have such a sensible daughter.

[Citycat]

^I agree with Shh!.

What do you do? Are you a student? If so, don't get married until you finish your Uni and find work for indefinite time. What does your boyfriend do? How old is he? What he thinks of the whole situation? What does he want? Do you want and can you live together just you two?

A hug of support from Europe

[misombra]

people always have expectations on you. you'll have it all your life. it's up to you to break away or follow. you have to do what makes you happy because if you always try to make other people happy you will always be miserable and you'll only find that nothing you do will make other people happy.

make yourself happy. don't worry about what other people think. i grew up in a highly catholic environment where i was expected to marry somebody, anybody, and have a thousand kids by the time i was 23. i'm 30 now and pretty happy i didn't succumb to all that pressure. if i want to do those things, it's because it's what i want.

[Kiechi]

German?


_________

[clearskies]

what happens if it was doomed to fail? will anyone stand by yourself or support you financially or morally? I doubt that ... so better you wait and if you think of marriage below 25 or 28 as the minimum, i think someone here might be joking.

[IndiReloaded]

Simple. If you are living at home, then you have the perfect excuse:

Say that you feel its important to first be living independently before considering marriage w/another person. Once you have moved out, they will be unable to influence you. From your family's perspective, it will be an unassailable argument, so you win no matter what.

I also agree w/Gribble & his suggestion to have an adult conversation w/them about this. If they know you have a solid, rational opinion, they will be less able to effectively push their agenda on to you.

[Only-virgins]

expectation are annoying. I am from a European family as well though I think the pressure of an independent life is far worse than marriage.

[Junket]

You need to get yourself outta that house, first and foremost, and stop living to comfortably.

Otherwise, expect to hear more shit.

[clearskies]

Living independently is the best for sure..

[miSSleepy]

Thanks everyone for your responses.
I have talked to my bf about marriage. We've talked about what kind of house we'd like and where. We're pretty sure we want to be together for the long haul.
He believes that a piece of paper or a ring doesn't change anything and he doesn't think that we need those things to ensure that we'll remain together or that we'll be happy together.
I don't think, however, that he notices the pressure on us, or maybe specifically me, because he doesn't socialise much with those people.

I think the idea of talking maturely with my dad and making him realise that we're financially insecure and not ready is a good move.

[Mish]

The community my family socialises with (mostly European) are too meddling. They're too self-righteous, too traditional, and too gossipy.

I know i hear plenty about other people's lives - so I can just imagine what others hear about mine.

My gf goes through similar issues as you so I can relate to what you are saying here. Overcoming tradition is hard.

Fortunately for me, my traditions happen to be of similar nature as my gfs parent's, which helps us a lot.