im moving, she is freaking out

[dom4400]

wanted to get others perspective on this. i met my g/f and we've been dating for 11 months. I have a good bond with her and her four children. I recently accepted a job offer in another state California (30+ hours away). We agreed that I would go and that she and the kids would come in 4-6 months but lately she has been freaking out on me. Its like she is extremely worried that I am going to go and forget about her. My thinking is that 4-6 months will allow us to save more and not be so pinched when she comes and is job searching. My new job pays a nice salary but the cost of living in the new area is 3X higher than where we live now. What can I do to help her see my view on this and how can i get her to not think im going to meet someone else and forget her?

[Cain]

wanted to get others perspective on this. i met my g/f and we've been dating for 11 months. I have a good bond with her and her four children. I recently accepted a job offer in another state California (30+ hours away). We agreed that I would go and that she and the kids would come in 4-6 months but lately she has been freaking out on me. Its like she is extremely worried that I am going to go and forget about her. My thinking is that 4-6 months will allow us to save more and not be so pinched when she comes and is job searching. My new job pays a nice salary but the cost of living in the new area is 3X higher than where we live now. What can I do to help her see my view on this and how can i get her to not think im going to meet someone else and forget her?

Aside from reassuring her, there's not much you can do. This is her own insecurities that are working against her right now. Plus, without you, she'll be struggling to take care of those same four kids.

[dom4400]

Aside from reassuring her, there's not much you can do. This is her own insecurities that are working against her right now. Plus, without you, she'll be struggling to take care of those same four kids.

She has no problem taking care of the kids when i leave. Her current job pays well and she was taking care of them before she met me. Also, even though I am at her place *alot*. We have seperate places currently. When we relocate, we will be living together. The concern of money and finances comes from me when we move to the new area and me thinking it would be much better to have a nice savings to give her time to look for a new job.

[Cain]

She has no problem taking care of the kids when i leave. Her current job pays well and she was taking care of them before she met me. Also, even though I am at her place *alot*. We have seperate places currently. When we relocate, we will be living together. The concern of money and finances comes from me when we move to the new area and me thinking it would be much better to have a nice savings to give her time to look for a new job.

Well, the most you can do is set her down and assure her that you want to be with her and only her.

Does she have any reason to believe you'd move on?

[dom4400]

Well, the most you can do is set her down and assure her that you want to be with her and only her.

Does she have any reason to believe you'd move on?

None at all. Im going to continue trying to reassure her that there is nothing to worry about.

[Lipp]

While it might not be as much of a problem for a solid long-term relationship you have to realize that with 4-6 months separated it will by the end of it mean that you will have spent 1/3 of your relationship over a long distance. And if you move to a new city and meet new people at a new job I can't blame her for worrying that you will end up finding someone you're into. As said, you can only attempt to reassure her that it won't happen, and if it not sufficient, compromise. Perhaps a shorter time to shift? Or arrange for somewhat regular visits for them to see their future home?

You probably know how to work out the finances, but don't risk relationship you want to commit to just in order to up the lifestyle.

[Cain]

By the way, you DO need to worry about this relationship. An LDR is extremely difficult and relationships that last years can be destroyed in an LDR. It will take extra work from both of you to make it work.

[Citycat]

I agree with Cain and Lipp.
Do you really have to work that far?
Let's say you manage an LDR for 4-6 months, and then her children don't want to move, change their schools and leave their friends, what will you do? How old are her children? Who helps her with them? For her it would be easier not to move away, simply because where she's living now she must be having some help with children (from her mother, other family, friends). My las line is based on an assumption that she lives in or very near her hometown.

[shh!]

Perhaps you would ease her insecurities if you asked her to marry you.

[Only-virgins]

4 kids? are they yours? god damn why be such a tool?

[Mish]

What can I do to help her see my view on this and how can i get her to not think im going to meet someone else and forget her?

Nothing

You must first see and understand her point of view before you can convince her

Do you see and understand her point of view? What sacrifices are you prepared to make to ease her worries?

[Cain]

Perhaps you would ease her insecurities if you asked her to marry you.

Well, considering he's wanting her to move over there with him eventually, I would hope that marriage is in his plans with her, so I actually like this idea.

[Cain]

4 kids? are they yours? god damn why be such a tool?

Meh, if he's in his twenties or thirties, then I can agree with the shock of him being with her... however, if he's in his forties, I don't see this as a problem. Just because someone has kids doesn't mean they are doomed to be alone. Maybe he actually likes those kids?

[shh!]

Well, considering he's wanting her to move over there with him eventually, I would hope that marriage is in his plans with her, so I actually like this idea.

Well, it's kind of a no-brainer. I wouldn't dream of moving my four babies to another state, away from my job and all sources of emotional support with some guy I wasn't even married to...

If you love the girl and all her kids, marry her.

[starbuck]

I don't blame her for freaking. A long distance relationship probably isn't what she signed up for when she started dating you, so she's rightfully upset. Like Cain said, the distance WILL put a strain on your relationship.

Can you come to a compromise with her? Move the timetable to 1-2 months? How much are you really going to save in 2 months compared to 4? Maybe there are other ways to do this move that would satisfy you both, and not make her feel like you're about to bolt.

Good luck.