Advice for cheating spouse

[piratewench]

Hi, i'm a college student and my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years. I spent the summer at the beach this year and ended up going to a party with my coworkers and friends. I got pretty drunk and made out with one of my friends. I just barely remember it, but we both discussed it afterward and both felt guilty. I told my boyfriend a few days later and explained the situation. I apologized profusely, and told him that i loved him very much. He told me he had to think about things and hasn't talked to me since. I tried talking to him tonight and he told me to leave him alone.

I don't know what to do! I have never done anything like this before. I have had previous boyfriends cheat on me, but i never ever strayed. What can i do to help the situation or to help our relationship? I am desperate!

[shh!]

Where does the spouse come into play? Is the friend you were kissing a married person?

[anachronistic]

How long ago did you tell him? You probably need to let him be for a few weeks.

Two years is quite long for a relationship between people so young... he may come back, he may not. If you're desperate enough to earn his trust back, it's a looooooooooooong unhappy road. He probably will be bothered by you hanging out with friends for a good while. You'll have to show him that you're worth trusting, and be very careful to never let that kind of crap happen again.... in other words, no heavy drinking.

Those are things you'll have to talk to your boyfriend about, though, if he decides to give you a chance.

[Gribble]

I think your boyfriend is a turd. You got drunk and did a little kissing. I can understand how that would upset him but it's really not that big of a deal, especially considering you worked up the courage to come clean.

Don't feel bad about it.

[IndiReloaded]

I think your boyfriend is a turd. You got drunk and did a little kissing. I can understand how that would upset him but it's really not that big of a deal, especially considering you worked up the courage to come clean.

Don't feel bad about it.

I agree, Grib. BUT, I think I'd want to know why she did it. Is there an attraction b/t her & her friend still? What is going on w/them & how can she guarantee it wont happen again?

This wasn't a friendly peck. It sounds like they made out.

[1averagejoe]

Ya, he's an asshole because she cheated on him. He doesn't deserve to feel the way he feels right now.

I don't think he's an asshole, he doesn't even want to bother himself with you anymore. You cheated on him. Hell it could be a hell of a lot worse, he could be ****ing pissed off at you. I think he deserves to be left alone.

He deserves to decide what he wants to do. You made a bad choice, whether or not you were drunk there is only one person to blame, you. Don't blame the alcohol, that's the sorriest excuse ever. I hate it when people blame their stupid decisions on alcohol...it's not like the alcohol forced you to drink it.

Like anachronistic said, if he does decide to take you back expect a lot of changes. For starters, no more getting drunk/partying without him. Second, guy friends...you're not going going to be with them when he's not there. Even still, he's probably going to end up feeling jealous about you even talking to them and being friends with them. If he does permit you to do be friends with them, he'll probably start to wonder if you're doing stuff with them, are you cheating on him again? Which will lead to big problems. You'll get frustrated with that and both of you will just get frustrated with each other and it will more than likely end. Of course this isn't true for everyone, but almost always happens. So don't be surprised.

You're probably wondering, why? Well you cheated, you showed him what you're capable of. Whether or not you will do it again there's always going to be that bit of doubt in the back of his mind for a LONG time. You broke that trust he had for you. It's going to take A LOT of effort on your part to gain his trust back if he does take you back.

To be honest, any guy that would take back a girl that cheated on him is a sad loser with no self respect.

[Cain]

He's a turd because she cheated? Sorry, but if he just forgives this easily then what's the next thing going to be? I'm sick of hearing the "I got so wasted that I don't remember what happened" excuse. It's bullshit. If you know you turn into a tramp when you drink, don't drink around guys. It's not that difficult. Cheating shouldn't happen because you should never put yourself in the position to cheat.

Sorry, but the only way I'd forgive my girl for kissing another guy is if we were married or had a child.

[anachronistic]

To be honest, it depends on what kind of person your boyfriend is; there's the kind like Gribble that'd tolerate crap to a certain extent, there's the kind like Cain and Joe who absolutely will not give you a second chance, and then there's the kind like me;

If something like this happened with my girlfriend, I'd be pretty upset. Anyone would. I would most certainly think about it; I'd assess the whole relationship; if it weren't very long, 3-4 months for example, I'd break up with her and not even waste my time on it. But if it were two years, like in your case piratewench, I would think about it. I'd reconsider any memorable issues, and I would scale the good and the bad. If the good outweighed the bad to a substantial amount, then I'd ask myself how honest you had been with me; I'm someone that remembers every single lie that someone proclaimed to me. Any little white lies, any tricky behavior, any suspicions I had, I will recall. When it comes to those kinds of things, I say 3 strikes you're out (if you cheat) But if not, I'd need to sit and think about it for 2 weeks - this would also be a test to see how loyal she is; anything stupid that happens with her during that two or more weeks, I kick her ass out the door. But after the two weeks are up, we would have a talk. We'd talk about the situation, calmly and collectively.

For someone like me, who is pretty insecure by default, it is difficult to earn trust back. But I believe in forgiveness because everybody makes mistakes, and some mistakes can be understood. And damnit, if anyone ever gives you a second chance at a friendship, a relationship, or ANYTHING, you better thank your fcuking lucky stars. Because if someone gives you a chance to start over, that means they think you realize your mistake, and although you hurt them to an extent which they themselves can't even measure, because they don't think you'll do it again, they know it's going to be miserable for a while, but they've decided to deal with the pain for you. And to walk out on such love is so foolish and ungrateful. They're calling you out. The spot light is on you.

It would be a long, difficult road just to build the relationship back up to the way it was. I've been down that road. I've walked down a 20 mile road in hot weather.. ; no comparison. But if you've got what it takes, then you can do it. I couldn't do it... and I have a pretty persistent character. The person who gives up is usually the person that cheated... sometimes the innocent person realizes that they can't do that and the relationship is no longer feasible.

But good luck to you. I've never cheated on anyone, but I really do have compassion for honest people; there is not a more despicable person than one who lies to the one(s) they 'love'. If anything saves you, it will be that - and by a thread.

Hopefully your boyfriend's got what it takes to strengthen the relationship. If anything, this would make it much stronger, if you've actually realized your mistakes. Sometimes people just keep lying and lying. That's not meant to be.

[ame="http://youtube.com/watch?v=fMRi-gFeK-M"]YouTube - Pulp Fiction Ending Scene (Diner)[/ame]

[Gribble]

Cheating, at least as I define it, involves a little more than kissing. She made out with another guy. It's kind of lame. He should be pissed. Ultimately, though, it's a pretty minor thing and she confessed to him. Had he found out on his own I might feel differently.

Really, you people are such prudes.

[miSSleepy]

It all depends on how the individual sees it.
If there was anything between her and the friend, even just extra friendliness, or something to make the bf think there was something going on ... this would probably be the deal breaker.

If there was absolutely nothing to worry about during those 2 years and she has been faithful in all ways, I guess it could be forgiven - though not without a talk.

It also depends on the definition of 'make out'. Some people think an extended kiss is making out, others see it as a tad more.

[anachronistic]

Cheating, at least as I define it, involves a little more than kissing. She made out with another guy. It's kind of lame. He should be pissed. Ultimately, though, it's a pretty minor thing and she confessed to him. Had he found out on his own I might feel differently.

Really, you people are such prudes.

I am curious, what exactly is your definition of cheating? I do agree with you to some extent... but everybody is entitled to their own opinion after all.

[anachronistic]

It all depends on how the individual sees it.
If there was anything between her and the friend, even just extra friendliness, or something to make the bf think there was something going on ... this would probably be the deal breaker.

If there was absolutely nothing to worry about during those 2 years and she has been faithful in all ways, I guess it could be forgiven - though not without a talk.

It also depends on the definition of 'make out'. Some people think an extended kiss is making out, others see it as a tad more.

You basically just reiterated everything I just said.

[Gribble]

Genital contact would probably fit the bill.

But to be perfectly honest, the only thing that would really get to me is if she loved another guy. That, to me, is cheating. All the other stuff, meh... I really don't care.

[anachronistic]

You must not have any insecurities; after being cheated on after a 3 year relationship, I wouldn't put up with anything, because all that shit gives it away; I now think that if someone cheats on you, then they have developed feelings for someone else. Any feelings other than mere physical attraction really do bother me. If a girlfriend made out with some other guy, I'd begin to think that she's trying to get with someone else; a plan B if you would.

But this girl came clean... that's why I'd consider a second chance. - That's where I agree with you.

[piratewench]

OK to clear up some of the questions/issues here....

My boyfriend and i have been in a very happily commited 2 year relationship. We were with each other almost every day except for this summer, when i decided to work down at the beach for the summer, and he stayed home. He visited me once, but then did not want to come down again despite my begging - not blaming him, just saying. We got into petty arguments and weren't getting along very well. I'd call him on the phone, and he'd answer everything i said with silence or an 'mmhmm' - it seemed to me like he didn't even want to try. I got mad at him one day and asked him why he was still with me if he wasn't going to put effort into the relationship since at that point it was a temporary long distance relationship. He wouldn't answer my question. We didn't talk for a week, and that's when i went to the party. I normally never drink, but i had had a really bad day at work and decided to get wasted - supid decision i know. A guy was there that i was friends with, but knew i had a boyfriend. I was pretty drunk when we took a walk outside and i don't know who started it, but we ended up kissing with tongues for a minute or two, before my common sense kicked in. We both knew it was wrong and i actually sobered up immediately.

I considered keeping it to myself because i didn't think it was that bad, but my boyfriend called me the next day and was so nice to me, telling me that he bought me something online and how much he misses me etc. I broke down and told him then and he hasn't talked to me since.

I just don't know what to do... :-(

OH and there was no spouse. I should have put partner instead.