Should I Stay or should I Go?

[Rosie]

Hi all. Well I keep going back and forth with myself about this. I can't seem to make up my mind. I got married when I was 19. At the time my parents' relationship was very tumultuous and my father left my mom. I was very broken because it affected my whole family very negatively. Around that time I met my husband online and we got married eight months later.

Over the past three years, I have realized that we don't have much in common but he loves me a lot. We have been through a lot of hard times together, including being homeless and an unexpected pregnancy. He gets frustrated with me easily and I get frustrated with him easily...we argue a lot, but for the most part, I know he loves me. He is also very hard working and he is always continuing his education. I admire him so much for taking care of me and my daughter, but I just don't love him. I have tried to, because I don't want to break his heart, but I don't have romantic feelings for my husband.

There have been times where I have met people online who I do have a lot in common with and it makes me sad because I feel like I'll never be with anyone I truly love. Someone who is my best friend. I have a friend I have who is so fun...he makes me laugh, we listen to the same music and watch the same movies...we talk a lot all the time, and I always think, "What if I had waited and found someone like him?" I don't have a romantic relationship with this friend. He is happily engaged. But he does make me wonder what it could have been like to be with him. On the other hand, I have a stable life with my husband, and I don't know if it is wise to sacrifice that in pursuit of love that I may or may not find. Any advice please? I just want someone's opinion. Thanks.

[Darkest Heaven]

You used your husband as a crutch until things got better, and now you want more. Do you deserve love?

[Rosie]

I didn't use him. I married him because I thought it was the best decision at the time and now I'm realizing that it wasn't. I thought I was in love but at 19 I didn't know much about love or anything else for that matter. If I were just using him I would have left by now, but I don't want to hurt him. He's a good person. And we have been through a lot of crap together. I feel conflicting feelings. I believe everyone deserves love.

[Cain]

You're in a really bad situation now. You have a child. It would have been easier otherwise. Are you willing to risk losing custody of your daughter? Do you have a job? Can you support you and your daughter if you divorce? If not, he'll get custody. Are you ok with that? You made your choice, and you're most likely going to have to suck it up now.

[Mish]

"What if I had waited and found someone like him?"

Most likely, you would've found a whole range of other problems for you to accept and deal with. The grass is always greener on the other side, until you get there.

Normally I would suggest to let it go if the relationship is not working out, but since you are married with a child I think it's very important that you give this some deep thought and many attempts to fix problems.

I've noticed there are a few people who give mythical qualities to love, calling love a magical, unpredictable feeling which is almost guided by universe and completely outside of their control. I personally don't subscribe to that point of view. I strongly believe that love is a feeling as a direct result of certain conditions and if these conditions are met you will have this feeling. What you will need to work out is what these conditions are for you and how you can negotiate and persuade your partner for both of you to meet each other's conditions.

Finding things in common with your partner (since already identified) can be one of your conditions you may want to have a look at. Write out all of your differences. Understand them first. Understand why they exist, there is always a reason. Try to have a look at these differences from different points of view. Are they really differences or different perspectives that achieve similar goals?

Continue likewise with the other conditions you identify.

[lesa]

The things that you do with your online buddy...try to do them with the husband. You have to build a relationship with him....seems like you are using your energy on online friends instead.

[Tone]

You were young and made a mistake.

Although is a child involved... I say life is too short to spend not being happy. Yeah you have a daughter to think about... but what kind of example is it to her for you to be miserable with a man you don't love?

Ultimately the decision is yours.

[Cain]

You were young and made a mistake.

Although is a child involved... I say life is too short to spend not being happy. Yeah you have a daughter to think about... but what kind of example is it to her for you to be miserable with a man you don't love?

Ultimately the decision is yours.

The problem is that unless she's able to support herself and the child, she won't get custody. That's what she needs to think about.

[Tone]

Yeah.

She has a lot to think about. I don't envy being in her shoes.

[shh!]

The problem is that unless she's able to support herself and the child, she won't get custody. That's what she needs to think about.

This is not true. ^^

If you say your husband is a good man and he is good to your daughter, I think you ought to suck it up for her sake. To expect romantic love several years into a marriage and after having a baby is frankly immature.

[IndiReloaded]

Your husband sounds like a decent, hard-working man who probably b/c of his hard work, hasn't been giving you the attention you need to feel 'romantic'.

You got married & have a family. He's a good man. You have nothing to complain about & owe him your loyalty. Sounds like he's busting his ass for you.

Keep yourself busy with a job or hobby & find a way to get out w/him more so you can get some of those feelings of romance back. It can come back if you do this.

[Gribble]

You have a kid. Your life should no longer be devoted to your own personal happiness and well-being. It should be devoted to your daughter's. Is your husband abusive? Does he scream at you? Ignore his daughter? Does he not provide adequate housing and education for her? Is there a lot of tension in your household? If you answered no to these things you should really put your daughter first and tough it out.

Instead of chatting with your little friend have a heart to heart with your husband. Share some of your concerns. See if the two of you can work things out.

[bluesummer]

I think you may be expecting a little much. You have a good, hard working man who loves you and a family and stability. So, you're missing out the romance and suddenly it's not good enough for you? Stop looking around at what everyone else has, because they don't always have the rosy situations you think they do (I know this from experience). Be thankful for what you hve, and COMMUNICATE with your husband. Everyone has something in common, you just need to sit down and figure it out between the two of you, and make time to do those things together. If he loves you like you say, he will bend over backwards to work with you on this.

You can love him. Like I said, you just need to find that common ground. People go into arranged marriages all the time with people they've never met, and have nothing in common with.....and they learn with time to love that person for what they are. You need to take some time to appreciate your husband for what he is and what he does.

[Rosie]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm hearing a lot of "stick it out for your daughter" which surprises me a bit. It's just that my mom stuck to my dad for our sake and it would've been better if she had left since they just didn't get a long with each other. I witnessed a lot of arguing growing up.
As for rekindling romance between us, the problem is we just don't have anything in common. We both like computers (well we met online) and he loves politics while I have a mild interest in it. So if we go out or anything we don't have much to talk about. Mishanya said that people give a mythical quality to love, but for me love is actually having your spouse as your best friend. That is what I am wanting for, but I know I can't change my husband. We have had talks in the past but on this issue they haven't done much good.
As for arguing, like I said, we clash a lot, though I've learned how to not push his buttons so much and vice versa. He comes from west Africa and sometimes there are cultural differences. Other times it's our age difference since he's eight years older than me.
IndiReloaded mentioned keeping myself busy with a hobby..I always thought that maybe if I had more of an active personal life it would make a difference, so I might try that suggestion and maybe it will make a positive difference. I focus a lot on my husband so maybe if I don't focus on him so much I won't be so worried about the love thing. It's just that whenever I hear or see something related to falling in love (like eharmony commercials) I get sad and think "that could've been me." My marriage isn't terrible, at least compared to my parents', but somehow I just feel like it's suppose to be different. Sorry, I know I'm rambling but it helps if I think out loud.
Thanks for reading. It really helps to have a place to discuss this.

[shh!]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm hearing a lot of "stick it out for your daughter" which surprises me a bit. It's just that my mom stuck to my dad for our sake and it would've been better if she had left since they just didn't get a long with each other. I witnessed a lot of arguing growing up.

Your parents chose to argue. You don't have to make the same choice.