My girlfriend

[jsn_nwsm]

I am constantly disappointed by my girlfriend. Sometimes I'll tell her, but she does not like critisicm. Today, and this is typical of our relationship, we had lunch. I was all dressed up because I had an audition this afternoon, I don't normally dress up, but she didn't say anything--she didn't ask me why I was dressed up? In conversation I told her I had an audition, and then she says, "Oh, thats why you're wearing your contacts". She is an actor and she is constantly doing theater, I hardly see her, I see her once or twice a week most weeks if I'm lucky, and I miss her, I would like to think she misses me too, she says she loves me. Well, today, I said, "Tell me you miss me", and she says, "I do miss you", but... I had to ask for it. Then I asked her if she liked my shirt (its new) she said, "its green"! Maybe she just didn't like it, but still I was all dressed up, I had to ask her if I looked nice. Later at my audition the girl I was reading with was totally flirting with me, it was nice, a nice compliment, but it left me feeling even more discouraged, my girlfriend doesn't flirt with me like that! I was trying to flirt with her at lunch, I had my arm around her and I was saying the reason her show is doing so well was because she was in it, then I lean in about 75% of the way for a kiss, and she says, "What are you doing", what are you doing? I want a kiss! Damn. There are always little things like that... ...?

[Pears]

Maybe she doesn't like to show her affection or get personal in public. Is she different when you're alone with her?

[jsn_nwsm]

I know that she is uncomfortable with public displays of affection, and she is affectionate, physically, but thats not it. I get affection, when I see her... I have to initiate it, but... she is affectionate when I do. I only see her once a week, I feel ignored the rest of the time, like today, we only had an hour for lunch, she wasn't even curious why I was all dressed up? She never takes the initiative, she doesn't show any interest in me, for me. I lavish her with attention, but get nothing in return.

[Gigabitch]

You seem to need an awful lot of validation from her. You should know that confidence is super-attractive, and neediness is not. Yes, it might sounds manipulative, but you have to sell yourself to this girl, and asking her to acknowledge all of your fashion choices isn't going to do the trick.

Get off her bra strap, really. The next time you see her, act charming rather than hopeful. Make it about showing her a good time because you know she's into you instead of searching her face for any sign that she cares.

[jsn_nwsm]

So, make it all about her--she loves that! I've been doing that for over a year, I'm getting pretty tired of it. Am I wrong to expect my needs to be met, why am I in a relationship? Or are men in relationships to service women? You are a real feminist. What about equality? What about mutual respect? What about a partnership?

[tooxshort]

Ummm that's not what Giga meant. Just don't act like a little puppy dog trying to get affection and your needs met all the time. Act like you can survive and deal with things without her. As she does with you.

You can be together, but lay off the initiating for awhile ... She'll get the picture after awhile. Don't be a dickhead about it though. Don't ask for compliments ... compliments aren't to be asked for, they're to be given because someone recognizes good qualities.

You don't need to lavish her with attention ... You guys are in a relationship, but not in one body!

[lastwish]

Unless she doesn't show her love for you in other ways, she probably just doesn't like to express her love openly. I don't think she intends to deprive you of your needs from being met. Keep in mind, not everyone feel comfortable with flirting and showering others with compliments. But if you are still not happy with her, maybe she isn't the right person for you.

[jsn_nwsm]

I don't act like a puppy dog trying to get my needs met all the time, I never get my needs met, thats my complaint? There are about 675 hours in a month, I see her a couple hours a week, I manage fine without her for the other 650 hours? Am I really being a dickhead about it? I've tried that approach, not intiating... that didn't work, we didn't talk at all. She is incredibely selfish, I never get compliments, not from her, I don't care about 'compliments', its a total lack of interest in anything that has to do with me, thats what aggravates me. She is so self-involved! I didn't mean to insult anyone, only, it seems like the message is there is nothing I can do except cater to her? Is that what women want? To be catered to and not have to do anything in return, it seems like thats what my girlfriend wants?

[jsn_nwsm]

I'm kind of in limbo... I can't make sense of our relationship. I like her, I admire her independence, she challenges me to be really self-assured, and caring. For the last year I've continually sacrificed my 'needs' because I have been so enamored with her. Where do you draw the line? I don't want to be a selfish, needy, jerk, but I don't want to always be disappointed either, never getting the things I want?

[tooxshort]

Then you should talk to her about it like an adult ... Tell her how you feel and what you want. If your needs aren't getting met at all, I don't see why you're in the relationship to begin with. Can you explain to us why you're still in it?

You admire her for certain qualities, but even admiration doesn't compensate for what you feel inside. It's hard to change how you feel emotionally ...

So, you should just have a mature talk and let her know exactly how you feel and find out where she stands. And figure out whether or not the relationship should go on.

[jsn_nwsm]

Yea... We have talked about it... we've talked and talked about it. Nothing's changed. We broke up two months ago and then got back together... I don't want to break up. I guess I just wanted to bitch about it, and I didn't want to bitch to her about it. It upsets her. Thanks for your replies. She challenges me to be my best, to be selfless, caring, generous, understanding... My worst faults, fears, and insecurities seem to be magnified in the light of her personality. Its not always easy to swallow, but on a deeper level I really appreciate it. On my more neurotic days, I would like to have a more comfortable easy relationship, like some I had in the past, but... eh? I'll just suck it up, and try to be a big person.

[IndiReloaded]

Careful there, you sound like you're settling.... and that won't do anyone any good. If you are unhappy & your attempts to make things better aren't working then you should consider moving on. Its only been a year, this is around the time that ppl start deciding whether someone will make them a compatible long term partner or not.

[jsn_nwsm]

Is there anything wrong with settling? I could go on and on looking for something 'better'. ...? I'm not one of these people thats like, I gotta' live life to the fullest, usually good enough is good enough. Is that a horrible attitude? Everybody is always looking for something better, and the divorce rate is like 60% or something... ...? I've had lots of girlfriends, I love my current girlfriend, I'm just trying to find a little happiness where I'm at. I don't think thats 'setteling'. I don't know?

[tooxshort]

Remember that we're basing our opinions solely on the information you've provided. We haven't really heard much of the good stuff about her, so maybe you can paint a bigger picture for us?

[Off2College]

tear that shit up