Biggest dilemma of my life...

[Giovanni]

Hello,

First of all I wanted to say hi to you all and thank you for listening to my issue..

I have bin together with a girl for 6 years now. In the start we had a great relationship.. and we were really much in love and we connected very good. We really had an amazing band and she's also my type in the way of looks.. Things are going good and we live together very easily. We have our disagreements sometimes but nothing special. So a good steady relation and I know she loves me very much and is faithful to me. I am also faithful to her and have always bin. I also love her and I am very honest to her with everything I do. But lately I have bin growing more and more apart from her emotionally. I feel that we can live good together but there is no.... band anymore.. I feel alone even when I am with her. I tried talking to her about it but nothing seems to make it go away. I want MORE in a relation then just be together and do the things we "have to do". I want.... a spiritual and emotional feeling with someone. It seems like it isn't in her now... although I know it's possible to have with her..

And like faith plays with it, a few months ago, I got in contact again over the internet with an old love from 10 years ago when I was 17. This girl could literally be the ONLY girl where I would ever be interested in as she was THE love of my teenager years and I have never forget her. She always had a place in my heart and will probably always have. I was completely crazy about her and at that time we already talked really deep about all personal stuff together. She is also really my type.. We started talking and it's almost like we are one person. We think about almost all things the same, and we especially feel about almost all things the same. It's like her way of looking at the world is like mine and we connect like crazy. She wants to meet me now. I have told her I don't want to meet her because I don't want to lie to my girlfriend and do things with her while I still have a relation with my girlfriend. I just don't want to lie to my girlfiend, as she really doesn't deserve that..

But now I am in a big dilemma... What to do now?? I am almost falling in love with this girl.. I know I'm both physically and especially emotionally very attracted to her when we are together and now our band got even more stronger because of all the talks over the internet.

I really don't know what to do. If anyone has had similar experiences or has a good tip, please share.

BOTH girls are VERY important in my life.. It's just very hard to choose...... and I know I hurt one of them when I make the decision.. What a situation.. especially the 2 girls I only ever cared about..

[Kromat]

But now I am in a big dilemma... What to do now?? I am almost falling in love with this girl.. I know I'm both physically and especially emotionally very attracted to her when we are together and now our band got even more stronger because of all the talks over the internet.

I really don't know what to do. If anyone has had similar experiences or has a good tip, please share.

I don't need superficial tips like "sort it out with your girl" or "work on the relationship".. BOTH girls are VERY important in my life.. It's just very hard to choose...... and I know I hurt one of them very badly when I make the decision.. What a situation.. especially the 2 girls I only ever cared about..

I feel that you need to tell your current girlfriend how you feel about the situation, and If things aren't going to change, then do her and yourself a favor that you need to go your separate ways, because there's no point in living a lie, when you two could have another significant other in your life.
Maybe the directions in your lives are different, so there isn't as much connection as it started with.
Don't tell her about the other person, because will devastate her even more.
You tried to make this work, and it didn't happen.
I say that you should reconnect with your old girlfriend, If things don't work out here.
From your choice of words, it seems like it's over.
P.S. Choose the one that will make you happier with in the end.

[lesa]

That is the feeling we get after being in a long term relationship. And the thrill is the feeling we get after hearing from an old flame or a new person.

Instead of rekindling with the old flame hoping it will be better and long term, you can rekindle the spiritual bond of this long-term relationship. Do you have the skills to do that?

[Hisdemise18]

lesa that was an awesome response!

[Giovanni]

That is the feeling we get after being in a long term relationship. And the thrill is the feeling we get after hearing from an old flame or a new person.

Instead of rekindling with the old flame hoping it will be better and long term, you can rekindle the spiritual bond of this long-term relationship. Do you have the skills to do that?

I don't know if you've actually read my full original post but I have been trying to talk with her about and I have told her about all the things I am talking about in my original post.. The point is that it needs to come from both sides.. And it doesn't seem it's in her anymore.. She's just really busy with herself (especially with her looks) and she wants to be a little like the "perfect" model-type (the type that I absolutely despise most above any other type of person in this world).. That was not the reason why I started a relation with her, she was different when we first got together.. She was more herself and a more strong woman who didn't want to make a big fake act to the world..

Sure, the longer the relation, the more boredom and "standard situations" come into it. But as you can read above, that's not what's going on here.. It's more of a "change" in her.. And I have stayed somewhat the same as when we started the relation..

Now I am figuring out, is it still in her or not? I think it is, so I am trying to talk with her about it. But there is a limit for everything, no point in trying 10 years and be miserable...

That's why all this is such a big dilemma.. I still haven't figured out what to do..

[Giovanni]

I feel that you need to tell your current girlfriend how you feel about the situation, and If things aren'tt going to change, then do her and yourself a favour that you need to go your separate, because there's no point in living a lie, when you two could have another significant other in your life.
Maybe the directions in your lives are didifferent, so there isn't as much connection as it started with.
Don't tell her about the other person, because it devastation her even more.
You tried to make this work, and it didn't happen.
I say that you should reconnec with your old girlfriend, of things Don't Work out here.
From your choice words, it seems like it's over.
P.S. Choose the one that will make you happy in the end.

Thanks... you've pointed it out exactly is it is; the directions of the way we want to live our lifes have changed.. As I said, I have talked with her about it but it's still not all very clear if the "changes" have become inevitable.. You are absolutely right, I need to choose the one that makes me most happy.. Just still trying to figure out who's the one that will in the end.. Because you can never know if the "old girlfriend" is really all that she seems to be when I would start a relation with her.. That's why I am still working on my current relation to make it better.. Time will tell I think..

[lesa]

What is her reaction and what does she say when you talk to her? What are you doing to get those good feelings back in your relationship? If you are not willing to deal with her changes then you know what to do.

Also, if the old girlfriend never made contact with you would you still feel the need to end this relationship? And finally, I know cultures are all different but the women are not a prize that you get to pick and keep forever…what makes you think the new one is better? Are you sure you are not bailing out because the going got rough?

I agree that you should not stay in a relationship that makes you feel miserable.

[Cain]

First of all, the fact that one girl is going to be hurt no matter what decision you make is entirely your fault. You had something good with your current girlfriend and then you tried to respark a romance over the internet with a past girlfriend, getting her emotionally involved.

The decision is yours to make. We can't tell you who to pick. But if you choose the old flame over your current one and it is nothing but a lit match (a flame that eventually burns out.. inevitably), you're going to regret it.

[Kromat]

5 years was a long time to figure out what to do, maybe she can suggest some changes that might work, if you still can't.
Give it a few more weeks or months, and if there still are no solutions, then it's better to let her go.
I say give your old girlfriend a chance, if your available because it's been a long time and maybe she has changed from the last time u met.
If both don't work out, then give yourself a fresh start and take some time to clear your head and start again when your ready.

P.S. Sometimes in a relationship. you need to give them some freedom, so they can visit their friends or just feel positive without worrying about the household all the time.
Find some new interests or hobbies that you haven't tried or try more of, to occupy your time ( sports, books, seminars, workshops, events, vacation )

[Giovanni]

What is her reaction and what does she say when you talk to her? What are you doing to get those good feelings back in your relationship? If you are not willing to deal with her changes then you know what to do.

Also, if the old girlfriend never made contact with you would you still feel the need to end this relationship? And finally, I know cultures are all different but the women are not a prize that you get to pick and keep forever…what makes you think the new one is better? Are you sure you are not bailing out because the going got rough?

I agree that you should not stay in a relationship that makes you feel miserable.

I have talked with her about it, like I said before.. I have tried doing romantic things again with her like going in the night to the beach with her with a bottle of wine or talk all night during dinners.. And I am not just bailing out.. I am still trying to make things work, for a pretty long time now.. I'm not just gonna give up and go away.. I care for her, like I said before..

I'm not sure if I would have doubts if I didn't have contact with the new girl.. I can't say that, things are like they are now..

I am not sure why you think women are a prize but where I live (Western Europe), women are no prize, but just... humans.. like anyone else.. Pretty downgrading comment too, especially after I've told so openly about my feelings for both.. Not sure why you say such things or where you get such ideas, they sure didn't come from me..

[Giovanni]

First of all, the fact that one girl is going to be hurt no matter what decision you make is entirely your fault. You had something good with your current girlfriend and then you tried to respark a romance over the internet with a past girlfriend, getting her emotionally involved.

The decision is yours to make. We can't tell you who to pick. But if you choose the old flame over your current one and it is nothing but a lit match (a flame that eventually burns out.. inevitably), you're going to regret it.

I have not searched contacts with her.. We just started talking with no intentions AT ALL of "resparking a romance".. And my relation with my current girlfriend also didn't go bad because of my contacts with the other.. It was already going bad before, like I said also in my original mail..

And yes, the decision is mine to make.. That is exactly why I asked advice her on this forum..

Thanks..

[Giovanni]

5 years was a long time to figure out what to do, maybe she can suggest some changes that might work, if you still can't.
Give it a few more weeks or months, and if there still are no solutions, then it's better to let her go.
I say give your old girlfriend a chance, if your available because it's been a long time and maybe she has changed from the last time u met.
If both don't work out, then give yourself a fresh start and take some time to clear your head and start again when your ready.

P.S. Sometimes in a relationship. you need to give them some freedom, so they can visit their friends or just feel positive without worrying about the household all the time.
Find some new interests or hobbies that you haven't tried or try more of, to occupy your time ( sports, books, seminars, workshops, events, vacation )

Thanks for this great post Kromat.. Very supporting advice.. I really see you know or understand what it's like to be in my position..

What you say is very true.. I have thought more and more now to just take a time on my own.. You know, live on myself.. And think about what to do now.. This way I can stay in contact with both but not pressure anyone or attach anyone to me.. So feelings are less pressured.. And I also have time to do my things and just clear my mind..

Right now I am still trying to make it work with my current girlfriend.. She's just too important and a beautiful person to just stop the relation.. I have told the other girl that I will not visit her or meet her and that I stay with my current girlfriend and are trying to work it out.. I am as honest to both as I can be.. I think this is the best way.. I don't want to give false hope to the other girl and I don't want to mess things up for my girlfriend.. I think it needs time.. If things really don't improve, I strongly think to follow your advice and live on myself for a while..

Thanks again!

[Cain]

Sometimes I wonder why people ask other people who to choose. We can't tell you who to choose.... only YOU can decide that. If you know it's your choice, then make the damn decision. Who would you rather be with? You're gonna hurt someone, so just make the decision.

[zoso]

I think it is good that you told the other girl you won't visit or meet with her while with your girlfriend.
However, are you still contacting her and keeping her as a second option? That's not as admirable IMO.
I think you should tell this girl it would be best if you start to limit (or even drop) contact with her. It's straining your relationship even more then it already is.

And remember, you haven't seen this girl for 10 years. People change. She is NOT that same girl you remember falling in love with.

In the end, as Cain has said, it's up to you. I think you should suggest taking a break from your girlfriend if things start to get even worse. Or maybe just take one anyway. Evaluate your feelings. Should you continue this long-term relationship, work hard to make it better, seek the proper help, etc...
Or the very risky approach, and start a relationship with someone you loved 10 years ago. There's no guarantee it will even work.

It's up to you. Make your choice. Either way, someone will get hurt.

[lesa]

I am not sure why you think women are a prize but where I live (Western Europe), women are no prize, but just... humans.. like anyone else.. Pretty downgrading comment too, especially after I've told so openly about my feelings for both.. Not sure why you say such things or where you get such ideas, they sure didn't come from me..

BOTH girls are VERY important in my life.. It's just very hard to choose...... and I know I hurt one of them when I make the decision.. What a situation.. especially the 2 girls I only ever cared about..

I don't want to give false hope to the other girl and I don't want to mess things up for my girlfriend.. I think it needs time.. If things really don't improve, I strongly think to follow your advice and live on myself for a while..

You are speaking of these women as if they have no say of whether they want to continue or have a relationship with you. Where are the 'we' in your communications? This 'other' woman...is she waiting for your decision or may possible have false hope? If you want to break up with someone, do it because of the unresolved issues..not after someone else enters as a 'choice' for you to make. Pretend this other person never existed...what would you do? Don't include getting with the other/any person as one of the choices. Interestingly, if you do she will unintentionally be the rebound girlfriend--this woman who 'waits' for you.