Confusing response from ex

[Dyolf Knip]

I dated a girl for several months about 3 years ago. It was a very enjoyable relationship, but she eventually broke up with me because she "didn't see a future together" for us. She would not elaborate nor change her mind. We parted amicably but didn't keep in touch.

This past week I ran into her unexpectedly working at a local store. I tried to strike up a conversation, asked how she was doing, basically tried to catch up on the intervening 3 years. She had had the beginnings of a promising career in fashion design then and I was honestly curious how it was going for her. I cannot stress enough that it was purely friendly and I had no interest in hooking up and took great pains to convey that to her.

There's a lot of reactions I might have expected, but what I can only describe as a dread visceral opposition to my very presence was definitely pretty far down on the list. First she couldn't understand why I was talking to her at all ("I didn't think we were friends"), and then she just told me that she had a boyfriend and that "seeing me again was very hard for her" and she needed to get back to work and perhaps it would be best if I didn't come by that store ever again.

Now I have every intention of honoring that request, but I wanted to know, and she refused to say, what it was about my being there that made her so very anti-social. She simply said that "if I didn't understand, she couldn't explain it", which helps me not even a little bit. You'd think that if anyone was going to feel angry or bitterness here it'd be the dumpee, namely me, and I don't. So I simply have no clue what just happened here and really want to know. Any female perspectives that might help me out here?

[lastwish]

Some people just don't like when their ex is around. It makes them uncomfortable.

[Mish]

Strange. Did you do something really hurtful to her when going out? Thats the only reason I can think of why she would be behaving like this.

If not and if it was me I'd make it into a routine to appear in the store randomly once a week to buy something little just to watch her contort in agony, until she turns into a human being

[misombra]

eh, just leave her alone. move on. she's done, for whatever reason. people are allowed to be done.

[lesa]

In my opinion, she is not done when she can't act normal in front of an ex. He shouldn't have to purposely avoid seeing someone of his past just to satisfy them. She is the one having these confused reactions and she is the one that needs to fix them. She is the former alcoholic that has to avoid the bar to prevent from drinking. She is not cured until she can walk into a liquor store and purchase only gum.

[vashti]

It sounds like maybe you unknowingly creeped her out in some significant way, and I wonder if she is thinking you have stalker potential. Whether she is crazy or not, leave her alone, or you might find yourself with a restraining order. As misombra said, people have a right to be done with you. No point in shoving yourself down their throat.

[Gigabitch]

You've had an encounter with a crazy person and you have a get out of Crazytown free card. Use it.

Who cares what she meant? Walk away from this person and never look back.

[lesa]

It sounds to me that she overreacted. If I understand correctly these two did not have contact for 3 years. If you live in the same area there is a chance that you two may bump into each other and unless something seriously dreadful happened in the breakup there is no reason to overreact with a person whom you once had intimate relations. She could have simply smiled and gave a quick generic update of her life and move on. Why she had to behaved like she did and overreact and perhaps feel like she is being stalked is a sign that she is having issues and not him (unless he is really stalking her). Paranoia is a psychotic behavior.

I agree that she just wants to move on and be done but she had the relations with him and a simply smile and quick general response would seems more normal to me. It's the same response as if you saw an old classmate, boss, coworker, professor, roommate, client, etc.

[vashti]

unless something seriously dreadful happened in the breakup ...

Yup. That's what I am thinking, because either she is crazy or something very bad happened. Since most people aren't really crazy, I'm going with the latter. Of course, it is possible she is crazy, in which case she should be left alone anyway.

[Dyolf Knip]

Did you do something really hurtful to her when going out?

Well, the sort of person who would do such a thing is generally incapable of recognizing that they do such things, so my answering "No" is basically meaningless. All I can say is that if I did, it was subtle beyond my ability to realize it. I certainly never hurt her, yelled at her, insulted her, or anything obviously cruel.

If I understand correctly these two did not have contact for 3 years

Correct. Didn't see her, didn't talk to her. Seeing her in the shop was a complete surprise.

...you might find yourself with a restraining order. As misombra said, people have a right to be done with you. No point in shoving yourself down their throat.

My thoughts exactly. If my being around creeped her out, I'll steer clear. I'm just completely baffled as to why.

[bohemiandonut]

Well, the sort of person who would do such a thing is generally incapable of recognizing that they do such things, so my answering "No" is basically meaningless. All I can say is that if I did, it was subtle beyond my ability to realize it. I certainly never hurt her, yelled at her, insulted her, or anything obviously cruel.

It's clear just from your articulation versus her immature attitude that you are way too good for her. Of course you want us to confirm that she still has feelings for you... more accurately though she still has feelings about you. So just take the noble path and let her stew in her regret and guilt alone with Mr. Downgrade.

Might as well view it like that, right?

[lesa]

It's clear just from your articulation versus her immature attitude that you are way too good for her. Of course you want us to confirm that she still has feelings for you... more accurately though she still has feelings about you. So just take the noble path and let her stew in her regret and guilt alone with Mr. Downgrade.

Might as well view it like that, right?

I 100% agree with this post. You sound to be too good for her. She is still having feelings for you whatever they may be, because her reaction of seeing you shows it. She acted as if you call and visit her all the time. I would not give any thoughts about the situation and ignore her remarks. Love and breakups can make the sanest mind crazy. Hopefully she will mature one day.

[vashti]

She is still having feelings for you whatever they may be, because her reaction of seeing you shows it. .

True, only don't mistake her having feelings for you with her having *positive* feelings for you.