Just married, need advice

[Mish]

The people who want no sex before marriage and thus have no oportunity to know what it will be like before they enter a partnership for life

This debate will probably not get us anywhere Vash because of difference in opinion, we're both right on different levels, so let's agree to disagree

[lesa]

I sort of understand what Mishanya is saying Vashti. I know someone in a similar situation but all is well so far.

If you try out the goods before marriage as a bf/gf relationship involving sex and then a marriage is proposed, the couple is not wondering about sex or expecting the sex to change. Complaints of separation would not be expected because of sex issues if sex was discussed and tested before marriage. However, if the goods are tried out after marriage, then you expect your partner to be at the same level of sexual intimacy for whatever reasons and can cause marital issues if one is not willing to negotiate and you cannot simply breakup like bf/gf.

I also under what Vashti is saying Mishanya. That communication is needed whether they are married are not.

[caringheart]

Sex is indeed a wonderful thing!

Have you tried discussing your desires with your husband? I could imagine that if he's working long hours that he might be tired and needs sleep. I'd have the conversation with him and he will probably be flattered by your desires...

[vashti]

I sort of understand what Mishanya is saying Vashti. I know someone in a similar situation but all is well so far.

If you try out the goods before marriage as a bf/gf relationship involving sex and then a marriage is proposed, the couple is not wondering about sex or expecting the sex to change. Complaints of separation would not be expected because of sex issues if sex was discussed and tested before marriage. However, if the goods are tried out after marriage, then you expect your partner to be at the same level of sexual intimacy for whatever reasons and can cause marital issues if one is not willing to negotiate and you cannot simply breakup like bf/gf.

I think if you are married, there exists a much greater interest in (and obligation to) repair any differences (unless one marries poorly). I understand there is a greater risk invoved. My issue is more about the fact that mish seems to think that if you are a virgin until marriage, you have no right to expect a compromise.

[Mish]

The right to negotiate and find a solution that works for both partners, while being accepting and understand of the partner's needs - yes

The right to demand it and complain about it - no

Okay, look at it from this point of view Vash. A virgin marries a guy with a low sex drive (let's say he can only do it once a week). Who's fault is it that decision to start a life partnership with an unsuitable partner was made? The girl's who refused to test sexual harmony before marriage or the guy's who wanted to test it, but whose request was denied?

Again, I agree to disagree on this issue.

[vashti]

And who gets to decide where the ine is between negotiating and demanding?

People wonder why the divorce rates are so high.

::rolls eyes::

[Gigabitch]

In my opinion, her unwillingness to express her desire for sex is a bigger problem and probably a contributing factor to his low sex-drive. It sounds like he was counting on her being into sex after they got married and now she's still trying to play the "good girl" by pretending she doesn't really want it.

Fool. This is probably doing all kinds of damage to the relationship.

[IndiReloaded]

To the sex before marriage thing: would you buy a car without driving it? Would you get married before knowing someone's spending habits, temper when angry, attitude toward children?

Sex is one of the 'Big Three' issues in a longterm relationship (the other two are money & family, btw). I can't imagine getting married w/o knowing what my partner is like in bed. No, its not the only thing that marriage is about, but it sure is a big deal to most ppl & some level of compatibility is important.

[IndiReloaded]

Why do I get the feeling that Mish & Vash are having an orthogonal argument? I didn't read anywhere that Vash was actually supporting 'no sex before marriage'.

[Tedel]

Short answer: He's your husband now, dear. He won't think you are a bitch, don't worry. Why am I so sure? Simple, because you had him respect you until after marriage: that's huge by itself.

Go ahead, bring us some babies

[GrkScorp]

I've tried to "do" it with him without trying to sound like he was right. And that is where the problem came in. I dont mind accepting that I was wrong but I also dont want him to think of me as a wife who is slutty and just wants sex all the time

First of all.., we was right.., you were wrong.., it hurts to be wrong.., but there's no shame in realizing you were wrong.., and it's good that you were shameless enough to realize that on your own.. So with that being the case.., this issue is over.., there's no reason to cling on to your ego and pride.., it's not a big deal.., you love sex.., so what? Exactly.., no issue.., so don't make an issue out of a non-issue.., you can even go up to him and playfully tell him.., "you know.., you were right about the whole sex thing"..

Secondly.., WTF! Who sent out the memo to all women with a bunch of horsecrap definitions of what a "slut" is? Do you know what a slut is? No.., seriously ask yourself this question.., do you really think you know what a slut is? Think about what you think a slut is.., what it means to be a slut.., go ahead.., give yourself a moment to think of that image and concept of a slut in your head.., and now.., as you're thinking about it.., let's talk about what a slut is..

Case: (Slut).., A woman who has very low or zero self-esteem about her inner qualities.., and to compensate.., must make use of the only value she deems herself to have.., "her looks".. to get some form of validation from men.., she is so desperate for validation.., that she is begging to try and sexually satisfy as many men as she can to feel that she is somehow great in some aspect of life.. "sex".., you can extract this information from someone just by the things they say..

(Slut's version of flirting) "I was fcuking this guy once.., and he was all like.., damn.. it feels so good.., you're so tight.., and i'm like.. ugh.., wrong hole there buddy"

(Slut's version of teasing) "My friends got this rubber dildo once.., and we tried to see who could stick it the deepest into their throat.., and I won.."

(Slut's version of seduction) "We should go.., (grabs crotch).., and call it a night.. (licks face.., bites lower lip and sucks it into her mouth).."

(Slut's reaction to male resistance) "Wtf? what are you? afraid of pussy or something?"

In short.., you're either a slut.., or you're not.., there's no gray area.., there's no degree of being "slutty".., that's a female definition adopted to be used as a weapon or character insult against other women.., it holds no truth to what the reality is.. and the reality is that being a "slut" has very very little to do with sex.., and everything to do with lack of self-esteem and self worth.., an unhealthy attitude towards sex.., as a means of gaining validation for themselves..

So.., it's very easy to get the two mixed up.., and incorrectly associate being a "slut".. (an unhealthy attitude towards sex).., with someone who is just a "mature.., fully grown & developed woman".. (a healthy attitude towards sex.., including a healthy sexual appetite and desire for sex).., there's nothing "wrong" or "deviant" about a healthy attitude towards sex.., this is not a person who looks at sex as a means of gaining validation for themselves and building up their self-esteem by having sex with as many men as possible.., no.., this is a person who wants to have as much sex as possible with the one man she shares and feels a strong and powerful emotional connection with.., hopefully you can see the serious problem with confusing this with the definition of a (slut).., the two are not even close!

It would be beyond just silly and childish to inhibit your most natural sexual desires for someone because of incorrectly accepting a socially constructed definition that doesn't even apply to you.., it would be tragic! You've already done it once by limiting yourself to having no sex before marriage.., you've seen for yourself how silly that was.., how pointless that was.., and how it was just for show.., just so you can tell the rest of the world.. "I waited until I got married to have sex.., therefore i'm (classy.., good., not a slut.., etc)".. the only thing it did for you.., just for you.., without consideration for anyone else.., is that it made you miss out on sex.., at a time when your husband's sexual desire was perhaps in tune with your own.., when it was perhaps greater and more than what it is right now.., (I know.., tragic that you did that to yourself)..

However.., the best way to break down any inhibitions towards sex.., is to endulge fully.., in an open and healthy attitude towards it.., If you feel that sex is deviant.., or that you dont' want to admit to your husband that he was right and you were wrong.., or you hold onto your definition of a slut.., and worse.., feel that it somehow applies to you just because you want to have sex with your husband.., then your husband can feel all those things.. and they're not working together in a way to radiate sex appeal.., (they're not exactly sexy).., and you're not looking as attractive.., sexually desireable.., and not enough of a motive to make him want it at the same rate you do..

Without a doubt.., an open and healthy attitude towards sex.., breeds a healthy and enjoyable sex life.. so until you crush and eliminate any limiting beliefs you may have towards sex.., don't expect your sex life to change for the better.. but as you start to remove those limiting beliefs.., one by one.., or even all together.., you'll notice not just how much better sex is for your husband and how more motivated he feels to have sex from now on.., but how much better and more enjoyable sex is for you.., and that's the most important thing.. I wish you luck in whatever you choose you wish to "do"..,

Best,

GrkScorp

[GrkScorp]

Once again, I disagree. I don't see how not having sex before marriage exempts one from the obigation to pursue sexual harmony.

I looked at this post like a starving cheetah gazing at an injured gazelle.., I tried.., but I just couldn't resist.., time to feast..

Mish.., the solution to the issue is simple.., "sh*t-calling".., to prove to the other person.., just how much of a hypocrite they are.., and therefore just how stupid and logically unsound their system of beliefs are.., sometimes it's the only way.. (Edit: this is not specific to, or referring to Vash)

Girl: "I just want you to know.., that I believe in no sex before marriage.., it's a personal thing.. I hope you're ok with it"
Guy: "Of course i'm OK with it.., I love you for you.., I don't need sex.. who needs sex.. what is sex anyway? I respect that personal thing of yours.., and I know it probably took a lot for you to tell me that.., and I do respect you for it.., so now I feel I should tell you my own personal belief towards gifts, dates, and dinners.., I don't really believe in them before marriage.. it's a personal thing.., I hope you're ok with it"

(Most likely responses)

Girl: "Then I guess we're over"
Girl: "Are you mocking me? That's not fair.., it's not the same.., I just don't want to have sex before marriage.., because I want you to respect me.., and I want to have respect for myself.., and not feel like a ____.."

(Counter)

Guy: "Fair.., fair enough.., and I understand completely.., and you're right.., I too feel the same way.., and I hope you understand that.., I want you to respect me.., and I also want to have respect for myself.., and not feel like a loser who has to buy you all these things.., spend all this time and money on you.., or do all these things for you just so you can love him or marry him.., I want you to love me for me.., for who I am.., not for all those other things.., and I know you will.., because I know you're a wonderful person.., I know you're a "real" woman who knows the "real" value of (insert socially constructed positive terms here).., and can wait until marriage for those things"

Case settled..,

Let the bloodbath with chick-logic begin..,

Best,

GrkScorp

[Gigabitch]

Um, what about those guys who want to marry a virgin?

[GrkScorp]

Um, what about those guys who want to marry a virgin?

What about those guys who want to marry a man? Or a fat chick?

Or those guys who only want an Indian girl from the Rajput caste.., pure breed.., who can dance and sing classical Indian music.. but would not consider anything else?

Sure.., it's out there.., but it in no way represents the majority..

Much the same way if a guy told that to a woman.. "I just want you to know.., i don't beleive in dates, gifts, trips, or dinners before marriage.., I hope you're ok with it".., he would end up alone.., until that rare girl showed up who was willing to forego all that out of desperation.., and eventually marry him..

The same way.., if a girl came up to a guy with that sh*t.., that's the kind of answer she would also get.., until she either rotted alone witha vibrator in her hand.., or came across some guy who was culturally programmed to associate it with positive character traits (noble.., real man.., gentleman.., etc).., and be willing to tolerate the neglect of his own needs.., and see it as some form of self-sacrafice which was noble.. for the sake of love.., (that's the gist of it)

[IndiReloaded]

Much the same way if a guy told that to a woman.. "I just want you to know.., i don't beleive in dates, gifts, trips, or dinners before marriage.., I hope you're ok with it".

LOL, for this once I agree w/you GS. Touche.