Stay as friends, or pursue something more?

[BillyGalbreath]

A Little background info:

I met this attractive girl when I was a freshmen in high school and we "dated" for about a week (dated as in walked down the halls holding hands - we were 13/14) then she broke up with me saying she wasn't ready for a relationship. We were friends for awhile after this (few months) then slowly lost contact with each other. Just went our own ways I guess.

Recently (few months ago), I found her on myspace through a friend's profile buddy list, and we immediately started talking and catching up on things. Turned out she was serious about not wanting a relationship in high school, cause she never had another one until after graduation. She went into the Navy. She became a huge party girl - borderline alcoholic (oh the stories she's told me about that!). Now she's living with her parents again, while going to college and working as a waitress at a restaurant. She's single, yet again, and in the beginning of our talks she mentioned (only once) how she's not looking to be in a relationship again, that she wants to concentrate on school. This is totally acceptable and understandable to me, I'm just glad we're friends again.

Here's where things get confusing for me:

The more I am around her, the more I'm liking her. She's invited me over to her house a few times, we've gone out to eat & seen a movie together, and I've even helped her in a time of need a couple weeks ago. Now, I am usually really good at reading people and knowing exactly what they're thinking/feeling and that's always helped me know how to act/talk around a person, but with her I can't seem to do that. I never know what she's thinking or feeling. It's not that she's emotionless or anything, I just can't read her like I read everyone else.

This puts me in a tight spot that I've never really been in before. I feel like her and I are slowly getting closer (still just friends at the moment though) but at the same time i feel like she's not interested in me the way I am of her. So I don't know whether or not I should try to move forward, or wait for her to move forward, or what.

Perfect example, when I leave her house I give her a hug and we say our goodbyes. Well, the last one, for a split second i thought she had the look of "kiss me" instead of "hug me", but I wasn't for sure at all, so I hugged her. She held me tighter than usual and it felt more intimate than normal, but her verbal goodbyes were colder and more distant. I'm so confused!

On top of everything else, she regularly talks to one of my other friends (which gives me a taste of inside info). My other friend asked her how we were doing (this was totally not my doing! I never asked her to talk to her and i definitely never asked what she felt/thought about me) and she replied "we're living two different lifestyles. if he wants the relationship to progress he's got some lifestyle changes to make."

Lifestyle changes? I honestly don't have any clue what this could possibly mean. I don't have any other information than that about that conversation. It's been itching away at me for 3 days now and I can't put my finger on what the hell it means.

Maybe because I'm poor and she's rich? Or I'm not going to school and she is? Or maybe I'm a day person and she's a night owl? Or maybe I have kids and she doesn't? Or maybe its because I smoke and she doesn't? Maybe a combination of things? Maybe none of these and its something else completely that I can't wrap my head around?? It's riving me nuts to the point that I can't concentrate about anything else.

I really like this girl and would love to progress things to the next level to see where things end up, but I'm not willing to change the root of who I am. If its something simple, like smoking, I can deal with that. Easy fix. I've been wanting to quit anyway, just need a good motivator (and no, being healthy is not a good enough motivator for me). But if its something deeper, like my kids, or my financial situation, then I'm either not willing or not capable of changing something like that.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated because I can honestly say, I don't know what my next move should be. I'm lost.

[Kromat]

A Little background info:

I never asked her to talk to her and i definitely never asked what she
felt/thought about me) and she replied "we're living two different lifestyles.
if he wants the relationship to progress he's got some lifestyle changes to make."

Maybe because I'm poor and she's rich? Or I'm not going to school and she is?
Or maybe I'm a day person and she's a night owl? Or maybe I have kids and
she doesn't? Or maybe its because I smoke and she doesn't?

I'm not willing to change the root of who I am.
Quit smoking, I can deal with that. Easy fix. I've been wanting to quit anyway,
just need a good motivator.
But if its something deeper, like my kids, or my financial situation, then I'm
either not willing or not capable of changing something like that.

You mentioned that you have kids right, maybe that could be a factor,
that's quite a lot of pressure for a girl who wants to study for school
and not have to worry about kids until she's ready.
Maybe financially, and what's the age gap between you two?
By the sound of it, she treats you as a good friend, so do what's best
for her and just make her happy.
It might hurt now, but knowing that you can still have her in
your life, and not take it seriously is still worth pursuing.

Relationships come and go, but a friendship can last forever.

[caringheart]

Hi Billy,

It sounds like she has catagorised you as a friend. Girls do that without knowing they're doing it. Obviously there's a strong connection there but it has been built on a platform of trust and friendship. That's a good thing!

But isn't it interesting and you've probably seen this elsewhere that people want things more when they can't have them?

I have a feeling she knows she can have you at any point and at any time and it's convenient for her to maintain the status quo.

It's like "I didn't realise I loved him until I saw him with that other woman". I'd try in the nicest way possible to re-establish the foundations of the friendship and maybe she'll see you in a whole new light...

I'd go on a social date and mention it to her and watch for her reaction. If she starts asking lots of questions and starts comparing herself to your date you will know she's thinking of you as more than a friend...

[BillyGalbreath]

..I have a feeling she knows she can have you at any point and at any time and it's convenient for her to maintain the status quo..

The thought has crossed my mind. hmm.

..It's like "I didn't realise I loved him until I saw him with that other woman". I'd try in the nicest way possible to re-establish the foundations of the friendship and maybe she'll see you in a whole new light...

I'd go on a social date and mention it to her and watch for her reaction. If she starts asking lots of questions and starts comparing herself to your date you will know she's thinking of you as more than a friend...

I don't think I'm smooth enough to try something like this and actually pull it off. Knowing my luck I'll **** everything up beyond repair.

[BillyGalbreath]

You mentioned that you have kids right, maybe that could be a factor, that's quite a lot of pressure for a girl who wants to study for school and not have to worry about kids until she's ready.

It's not like I'm trying to recruit a new mommy for them, but I do see what you're saying.

Maybe financially, and what's the age gap between you two?

We're both 24 now, but she's a few months older.

By the sound of it, she treats you as a good friend, so do what's best for her and just make her happy.
It might hurt now, but knowing that you can still have her in
your life, and not take it seriously is still worth pursuing.

Relationships come and go, but a friendship can last forever.

Too true.

[vashti]

I know you like her, but although it sounds like she may be semi-interested, I am bothered by her comment about your needing to change lifestyles. That doesn't strike me as a good sign. I'd be careful about this - your lifestyle is the one your kid is accustomed to. I woudn't jump through a bunch of hoops for her if it would mean upsetting your kid's lifestyle in any way.

(But yeah - give up the smoking, or your kid is going to come home from elementary school calling you a drug addict.)

[BillyGalbreath]

But yeah - give up the smoking, or your kid is going to come home from elementary school calling you a drug addict.

Not meaning to bring back the dead here... Just browsing thru old posts of mine and this made me laugh because my son actually called me this just a few months ago. hah! Quitting crosses my mind, still, even more frequently (I can no longer buy a pack without thinking "why"), but I still haven't found my motivator. :p

On another note, just to close the thread again, this chick is long gone. Long story short she wanted to get laid - plain and simple. She got it, alright. Not by me (hommie don't play dat), but whoever did got her knocked up haha!

[Doc Durian]

heh... and now she's in you prior shoes soon enough!

[crosewood]

i think for situations like this the best thing to do is own up to your feelings and lay your cards on the table. an honest heart-to-heart can make a big difference.

[Gigabitch]

Quitting crosses my mind, still, even more frequently (I can no longer buy a pack without thinking "why"), but I still haven't found my motivator. :p

****. How about my foot in your ass? Billy, you're providing a shitty example to your son, sucking on those coffin nails every day. Knock it off. He's right. You're an addict.

Quitting smoking will probably be the hardest thing you'll ever try to do. Best get to it.