Guys doesn't want to get married/kids

[GrkScorp]

Here is a source, Grk. If you don't like this one, it is easy enough to find another. It's common knowledge that people in their 20s have a very high divorce rate. [url]http://www.divorcepeers.com/stats38.htm[/url]

You're bouncing the topic around.. again (ad hominem).. because you don't have faith in your argument.. and because going to that argument would be going down a losing road.. it's easier to assert the fact that you're married as if it adds to the substance of your argument in some way..

Tell me.. please do.. what have I said that is "wrong"? You spend so much time trying to discredit because of age and marital status.. but didn't dare bother going into directly saying "you said ____, and ___ is wrong.. because.."

When you fail to directly find anything wrong with what's said.. you rush to jump into your ad hominem fallacy.. and throw the fact that you're married around to create the illusion that is directly relates somehow..

She's not talking about a married life.. she's not married.. She wants to be.. and as a guy.. and through talking with other guys.. and knowing other guys.. most guys would like to be married by age 35.. I would personally start looking from age 31.. but wouldn't be ready to go into marriage before age 33.. And the vast majority of men would like a younger wife.. and if she's in her late 20's.. her clock is ticking.. end of story.. How long before she finds an other guy? And what if it doesn't work out with him? There's very little room for error.. Every moment counts.. and right now.. she's wasting her time with someone who doesn't want to get married or have kids.. nor can she reasonably expect to in the future..

You can now all try to comfort her by throwing around other distractions.. meaningless statistics.. and vaguely related philosophical topics.. but at the end of the day.. no matter what you say.. the reality still remains.. that her clock is ticking.. and that being the case.. it's not a smart move to be with a guy who is "just wasting her time"..

We're both saying the same thing:

- This guy isn't ready to get married
- She should leave him and find someone else
- She should stop wasting her time with him

So please.. tell me where the problem is within the argument.. no.. not a bunch of organized "thanks".. or "GrkScorp is pooey.. he doesn't know what he's talking about.. we're married.. therefore, from that alone.. in and of itself.. we're better than him.. blah blah".. seriously.. take a look at the substance.., i'm interested to know where you feel that the substance of what you and me are saying diverge at some point..

( Welcome back Indi )

Best,

GrkScorp

[tryingtoforget]

Marriage shouldn't be a part of a life plan, that is why so many people end up getting divorced, because they think that they have to get married before a certain age, etc.
Marriage is much more than a big party with a pretty dress and a ring, its about committing for the rest of your life to the person that you love. If this sounds attractive to you, then by all means, keep the option open.
Having kids on the other hand, is something you should probably decide whether you want to do, because you only have a specific window of time to do it.
DON'T make the decision not to have kids based upon the fact that your mate doesn't want to. You may end up regretting this, you should make the decision based on your own desires. Have you always wanted to be a mother? Do you like kids? Do you mind giving up your freedom and settling down to be a mom? Are you ready to put your kids first before anything else?
If so, then cut your ties with this guy now, because he won't change his mind.
To be honest, he sounds like kind of a jerk. It is very immature for a 30+ man to be so defensive about you bringing up marriage and kids. He should at least be able to communicate his feelings without freaking out.

[vashti]

Grk - I won't pick your entire post apart bit by bit (it would take more effort than I care to exert), but if you look back, you will see that nowhere did I mention either your marital status or my own. My issue with your post is that it insinuates that women her age should be feeling a little desperate. I think that is retarded.

[Lozenger]

Well, I believe that you can get married at any point in your life, it's not against the law to marry over a certain age is it?
And it's one of the most beautiful things in this world and the biggest compliment someone could receive.

It seems as though this man has had problems with past relationships. Has he ever been married before? Maybe he had problems within past relationships or that something bad happended to a previous partner which he hasn't be able to talk about and because of these failed relationships, he swore to himself never to get a gf again as he didn't want another failure.

I would say this could be why he doesn't want to get married. He may believe it just won't work for him or he may believe it's too much hassel. Maybe he is worried he won't be able to give you what you need but wants to be with you because you have shown him there is still hope for him (there he is believing he'll be alone forever, until you show up
He also changed his behaviour as you became less attentive towards him which to me, showed that he feared losing you and he feared his suspicions of never having a successful relationship being proven right - and so he changed for you.

And because of this, I believe it is worth bringing up the subject to see how he feels about it and let him know how much it means to you to spend the rest of your life with him and that you chose him to be with until the end
If he has a negative reaction, I would explain to him that you really would like to marry and have children and so if he can't give that to you, you'll have to find somebody else - (try not to make this sound like blackmail though "If you don't marry me, I'm gonna leave you forever!!!!" - avoid that kind of sentence )

This is your life, and I hope in the end you make the right choice. Don't be afraid of his reaction, the longer you leave it, the more it'll eat you up inside.

All the best

X

[misombra]

if you want children, the worst thing to do is spend your fertile years with a guy who doesn't want any.

he won't change, says my crystal ball.

[GrkScorp]

My issue with your post is that it insinuates that women her age should be feeling a little desperate. I think that is retarded.

What?!?!?!?

Desperate? No.. not at all anywhere or anything near to that.. Vash.. I see the misunderstanding now.. and I can see the well justified hostility..

She is in her upper 20's.. wants to get married and have children.. he doesn't want to do either.. nor will.. those are our givens.. and that's where things get interesting..

We can sit here talking about love.. and how she can try to work things out with him.. and all that.. but that would be a waste of time.. HER time.. and time is valuable..

The stand I take.. is that she should leave him.. because a second spent with him (a man who is not interested in getting married or having kids).. is a second that could be spent searching for a guy who is.. or even a second spent "with" a guy who is.. interested, ready, willing, and able.. to get married and have kids..

Where is Goose to talk about "risk".. younger people can afford to take risk.. older people can't.. This guy is screwing her over slowly.. and she doesn't even realize it.. what I don't want.. and I think we all don't want.. is for her to wake up one day.. years down the line.. and realize that she's just wasted years of her life with a defective male.. who doesn't want to get married.. nor have kids.. and is now in a weaker bargaining position to look for other guys who are..

I'm sorry.. but I have zero sympathy for guys like that.. because guys like that suffer from a deep hate for women as the result of them being a loser their whole life.. And it's very hard to break out of that mode once a guy falls in it.. She shouldn't have to bear the aftermath of a lifetime of his mistakes and misfortune..

The OP's needs come first.. and it's not exactly a childish fantasy to want to get married and have children.. It's actually pretty sad to hear of a guy who is almost 40 and doesn't want to settle down.. but would get her a 37" LCD as a gift.. I don't know why she's still with him, much less, loves him to be quite honest..

Do you really need to come online and have a bunch of people tell you the same thing? That it's a mistake and a waste of your time to be with someone who isn't serious about marriage and having kids at his age? Find someone younger, better looking, richer, and who's ready to get married and have kids.. it's Hong Kong, it's not that hard..

Best,

GrkScorp

[bluesummer]

My issue with your post is that it insinuates that women her age should be feeling a little desperate. I think that is retarded.

I agree with that. I personally don't think women SHOULD be getting married until their late twenties or early thirties. GS, there are PLENTY of guys out there who would readily date a woman in her 30's. I'm 28, and going through my first divorce (from being married TOO YOUNG) and I don't feel the least bit desperate....nor should I. This isn't 1952, you're not expected to have three school aged children and be a homely old bag just because you've turned thirty. Yikes.

There's a lot more older moms these days, and while your risks DO increase (apparently...), I don't know a single older mom with children who have any type of birth defect.

[IndiReloaded]

To quote someone who knew more than anybody about everything, even more than our knowitall 'GS/BS':

“Facts an' facts, an' t'ings an t'ings: dem's all a lotta fockin' bullshit. Hear me! Dere is no truth but de One Truth, an' that is the truth of Jah Rastafari.”

[GrkScorp]

there are PLENTY of guys out there who would readily date a woman in her 30's.

I know.. i'm one of those guys.. and i'm on the other end of the older-younger relationship..

But time isn't at a standstill.. Today you're 28.. tomorrow you find this great guy.. spend two years with him.. and who is to say that things work out? now all of a sudden you're 30 and single again.. It's not a big deal.. or even an issue at all if you're 18 or 22.. so what? But at 30.. it matters.. a lot..

It works both ways.. but because it's been a male dominated society for thousands of years.. Older men are actually more attractive.. and a guy in his late 30's is still a very attractive prospect.. but come 40's.. things start looking downhill.. (except for George Clooney apparently.. the man who only looks better as he gets older)

Desperate? There's no need to be desperate.. just a need to be more aware and manage your time better.. At that age.. if you're with someone who's not serious about business.. "next!".. you don't have time to waste fooling around.. but that has no bearing on your standards to selecting your partner.. nothing about getting older implies desperation..

[littlemo]

It seems as though this man has had problems with past relationships. Has he ever been married before? Maybe he had problems within past relationships or that something bad happended to a previous partner which he hasn't be able to talk about and because of these failed relationships, he swore to himself never to get a gf again as he didn't want another failure.

X

No he has never married before. The last girlfriend he had they dated for 3 years and were actually living together. They broke up cuz she cheated on him. He told me he was very heartbroken.

He also told me when that he never plan of getting marry since he was young. He said his parents were married for 30+ years but his dad was in love with another woman the whole time.

[littlemo]

To the OP, for perspective:

He's helped you, indirectly, to become more self-aware & self-sufficient. This is a wonderful gift (even if you never thought of it as such) & something you should be thankful for. Sometimes, the most important lessons are the ones that drag us through a 'ring of fire' and force us to become better people on the other side.

You sound like a beautiful, strong lady who is coming into her own. Find someone who will appreciate those qualities in a way you both find mutually satisfying. Don't settle for less. Good luck!

Thanks for keeping me positive. You are right, I have indeed learnt a lot about myself from being w him. =)

I would say I HAD a very strong personality before. But since my bf has a even STRONGER one (that's why we got into fights all the time before), I have become a lot softer, calmer to compensate him... In a way this is good cuz we have less conflict, but on the other hand I find I am not really being myself sometimes...

Charateristics about my bf...when he's serious, he's very mature, independent, assertive about himself. He knows exactly what he wants ... he has a very stable job and very good income ... he has a very sweet personality and has no problem making friends...While for me, i have been trying to change job, earning is about 20% of his, still trying to figure out "what's next" for my life...

[Lozenger]

I would say I HAD a very strong personality before. But since my bf has a even STRONGER one (that's why we got into fights all the time before), I have become a lot softer, calmer to compensate him... In a way this is good cuz we have less conflict, but on the other hand I find I am not really being myself sometimes...

.While for me, i have been trying to change job, earning is about 20% of his, still trying to figure out "what's next" for my life...

Well then, I would say this is good enough reason to leave him so you can marry
You should be able to always be yourself around people you care for, don't let him limit your character
X

[littlemo]

There is some update on my situation. My bf and I had an arguement the other day because of miscommunication and we almost broke up (read my other post about his golf trip if you want details). During our "make up", we talked about future and he once confirmed that he can't give me what I want (family, kids, marriage etc.). He said he hates hassles from gf, he rather to be single again. He said he was MUCH HAPPIER when he was single (maybe he said that because we just had a huge fight?!). I told him I understand but since i still love him a lot, i don't think I can let him go now. Now we are still together, but things are a little strange... I know now there is no future between us, I want to let go but afraid of the emptiness and the loneness. We still love each other a lot and care for each other a lot. I don't know how to let go.... I want to break up when we are still in good shape, but I know it will be harder for both of us to let go if we keep it dragging....Any Advice Please?

[Asparagoose]

During our "make up", we talked about future and he once confirmed that he can't give me what I want (family, kids, marriage etc.). He said he hates hassles from gf, he rather to be single again. He said he was MUCH HAPPIER when he was single Any Advice Please?

Hassles from girlfriend? Then why is he in a relationship? This guy doesn't sound like good news. He sounds like this guy in my office. This guy makes well over $400,000 a year, has his own house, and is constantly single. That would be great, only that he's 42 years old! He just dates girls, and when they start pushing for marriage, he finds a reason to break things off. There was a girl he was seeing for two whole years, and he actually proposed to her, was engaged for six months, then broke off the engagement, broke up with her and sued her to get the ring back. Guys like this are bad news.

You have to be honest and true to yourself. You have certain needs as a woman, but also as a person reguardless of gender. You are at a point in your life where you want to start a family and be married. He isn't. You are staying with someone who isn't ready to give you what you want, and might never be ready to give you that. I think you have to ask yourself if you're willing to go on in life without ever having a family or your own or ever getting married. If you're not willing to go on life that way, then it just doesn't make sense for you to be willing to waste your time with a man like that. I'm sorry.

[vashti]

I honestly don't see why this man appeals to you. I think you should just accept that you will be sad for a while without him, and move on. You are only wasting your time.