Help me help my friend - abusive relationship

[AnotherPoster]

I'm not sure if it's within the realm of possibility to do so.
Another sad case of "woman who allows her scum of a partner to treat her badly due to insecurities and lack of self esteem". Her boyfriend is abusive, yet she repeatedly keeps going back to him because she fears being alone. She acknowledges this.


Is there anything that can be done in this unfortunate situation? Can I even help somehow?

I don't want to see her wither away. How someone so intelligent can be so stupid is beyond me. (And we all hold intelligence in such high esteem. More power to the Forrest Gumps out there)


What to do? How can I reach out to a person who already grasps everything I will use as a counterargument?

Argh, I'm losing it here. Why? "Because I don't want to be alone".
"You don't have to be", I say. "You know plenty of men, plenty of nice men, and the meat market holds some real treasures yet to be discovered. You're not allowing yourself to discover them. He doesn't love you. He loves controlling you. You are wasting precious time with this ****er, time that could be spent with someone who will make you feel good, feel that you are never alone, and most importantly, treat you well. My boyfriend would never lay a hand on me, no matter how provoked, no matter how infuriated, and every boyfriend/girlfriend should have this by default. Yours should. You need to NC this sick being right now."

To no avail. She knows all of the above. Nothing she hasn't heard a million times. The fact that he is generous in bed somehow seems to be a legitimate reason to stick around. FFS.


*frustrated scream* I pity the foo'

Rant over.

A suggestion or two would be much appreciated. How do I approach this as a friend?

[cheeze_guy]

Well maybe it will cheer you up maybe not but a relationship based on sex can never really last. So really you're friend is gunna accedently meet a real man one day and she'll wake up and take what she wants... but then again there are people who love the drama and just love the feeling of being with someone who they know. If she is treated as bad as you feel and say they won't last long and she will need you as a friend to still be there! Patience is all everyone needs in this world and everything will always work out Good luck!

[AnotherPoster]

Thanks for replying. She heavily denies being a drama queen.
And I would certainly think that being kicked, punched and having bones broken on a regular basis qualifies as terrible abuse.
It's far worse than I'm letting on, because I'm under a bout of secrecy. Yes, bout.

They have already lasted a year. That's far too long with this type of behaviour going on, if you ask me. I dread to think that this might go on for years and years.

I try to be there for her as often as I can, but I live abroad now and we no longer see each other as often as we used to. She is lying to her other friends about this; they are under the assumption that she has left him for good, because they gave her an ultimatum - us or him.

I hope she will meet a real man. She is an amicable and thoughtful person.

Is there anything one can say, anything that might convince this fool of a woman?

[cheeze_guy]

It funny cuz no matter how hot it gets we can never be told we are gunna burn ourselves we must get burned on our own and learn from our mistakes and it's always easier to see it looking from the outside. If you have talked to her about it and she agrees with you then it really can't last that long! Especially if it is just for sex... Everyone thinks they are having the best sex ever (unless its actually bad) because sex only gets better as we get older... (well so far for me anyways) and her friends for sure aren't stupid they will see that she still sees the abusive ass even if they dont yet cuz u cant hide that shit forever!

[vashti]

The reason she stays is because in a weird little way, she is getting what she wants. Think of it this way:

If she stays with the guy and he changes into Prince Charming, everyone will say it's because she loved him so much, and then she gets to be a hero. If she stays with him and he doesn't change, she gets to be the victim that always deserved better, and obviously the "good guy".

See? It's a win/win situation for her. She comes out looking better than him either way it works out. It's a sick way to gain some esteem. She is sick, and needs professional help. You can't help her with this mindset. The most you can do is to offer to hold a bag of her stuff in case she needs to make a quick get-away in the middle of the night. Oh, and encourage birth control. Accidental pregnancies tend to bind a woman even tighter into these relationships.

[AnotherPoster]

I see. I see that this might be how she's reasoning. vashti, I think you're spot on here. Thanks. I will do my best to encourage professional help and birth control, both of which are lacking right now.

[Gigabitch]

I want to spay her myself. This is one of my pet topics, since I was raised by parents like your friend and her scumbag.

Contact a women's shelter immediately and ask them what to do. They deal with this crap every day. They might be able to offer some insight.

I know this next part may sound insane, but I am so not kidding about this: if one of my girlfriends was getting her bones broken, I would get a posse of people together and go break this guys legs. No joke. He needs a serious beat down, and I truly believe that.

[IndiReloaded]

How strong are you & how much do you care? A neighbour of ours was once in a situation like yours; they had kids.

I used to go over during the escalation & confront the husband. I never said anything directly, just let my presence be felt. This let them know what was going on wasn't okay & that we all knew about it. He hated me for it, but was scared of me also. My husband ran a kind of 'silent cover' (he was there, supporting, but silent). In calmer moments, he spoke w/the husband & let him know things weren't cool. We decided those roles b/c the gal needed to see a 'strong female' & to avoid the males just beating on each other.

In some ways, I think it escalated things, but only temporarily. One day, when my son wasn't home but I was, she came running over (it was awful, I could hear the kids screaming next door). I let her in, called the cops, & told him he'd better leave asap when he showed, which he did.

She left him w/in the week. Its been hard, I still hear from her occassionally, but at least their kids are safe & they aren't in an environment w/all that fighting going on.

My point is, some women will gain the strength to leave when they are given a strong example & understand they need to go, esp to keep someone else safe, like their kids. You should have this kind of talk w/her. And also make sure she has the info re: women's shelters, I also gave this info to our neighbour.

[AnotherPoster]

I know this next part may sound insane, but I am so not kidding about this: if one of my girlfriends was getting her bones broken, I would get a posse of people together and go break this guys legs. No joke. He needs a serious beat down, and I truly believe that.

While this may work on screen, it doesn't quite cut it in reality. The scumbag has a much larger gang of people around him than anything I could ever summon. This friend is my only friend in the country, acquaintances included. I want to beat her up (ironically) more than I want to beat him up. She has the choice to walk away.

I will try to contact a women's shelter. The problem being, I'm not sure if they exist thereabouts, and where they are located in such a case. Perhaps a therapist would be able to direct her further.

[vashti]

Ironically, kicking his ass would likely only result in her taking his side. Look at what happens when the cops are called: they are often attacked by the women they show up to help.

She may not like the way he treats her, but she still loves him.

[misombra]

how sad. the same story over and over again.

why don't you kick your friends ass, so she won't need this guy to do it for her.

[AnotherPoster]

Ironically, kicking his ass would likely only result in her taking his side. Look at what happens when the cops are called: they are often attacked by the women they show up to help.

She may not like the way he treats her, but she still loves him.

Indeed, and the cops have been called. Didn't help one bit.

She has told me she doesn't love him. I think she loves the illusion more than anything and fears being alone.

It's unfortunate. I didn't think that modern women with a plethora of opportunities had to resort to this. What a shame.


Thank you all for the replies. I appreciate your input.
The next step will be to convince her to get professional help.

[AnotherPoster]

How strong are you & how much do you care?

We decided those roles b/c the gal needed to see a 'strong female' & to avoid the males just beating on each other.

She left him w/in the week. Its been hard, I still hear from her occassionally, but at least their kids are safe & they aren't in an environment w/all that fighting going on.

Well done on your part (and hers). I wish I could influence my friend to the same degree. She has the info now at least.

I'm not sure I'm as strong as you. I'm a student, too (with a heavy workload for one, and abroad to top it all off, leaving me with little time for confrontation). Mental strength is there perhaps, but that's of little importance in this situation.

[Gigabitch]

Just make sure she's using birth control. That's really the best thing you could do for her right now.

Jeeze, my ****ing blood pressure is going up, I swear to God. Women like her just PISS ME OFF. There's nothing so disgusting as a professional victim.

[IndiReloaded]

Women like her just PISS ME OFF. There's nothing so disgusting as a professional victim.

Its hard to be objective looking from the inside.

Your friend needs to be shown her situation from the outside. I would take her to a women's shelter just so she can see her trajectory.

As for the police, they hate those calls as much as anyone else. They KNOW most times its not going to help at all except for documentation. Might as well just video their performances & post them on YouTube.