Manning up in my relationship?

[Prerequisite]

Thanks again everyone!

[vashti]

I think the best thing to do is to try to figure out what someone who was "manning up" woud do in your situation, and proceed accordingly. I have a hard time imagining why anyone would tolerate this kind of contact between their girlfriend and an ex.

[Gigabitch]

Give her what he doesn't. She's still on the fence. Give her a reason to come down on your side. Stop identifying him as a competitor and for God's sake, don't tell her it's cool if she still has feelings for him. Kiss of death, man. Don't do that to yourself.

Ignore the guy. He's in the past and if you play your cards right, that's where he'll stay. She practically drew you a map to her heart by telling you to take charge, so do it. Give her lots of attention and give her every reason to forget that guy.

[Prerequisite]

I think the best thing to do is to try to figure out what someone who was "manning up" woud do in your situation, and proceed accordingly. I have a hard time imagining why anyone would tolerate this kind of contact between their girlfriend and an ex.

I didn't/don't want to be an asshole and tell her not to talk to her ex because I think it'll just make her want to even more.

Give her what he doesn't. She's still on the fence. Give her a reason to come down on your side. Stop identifying him as a competitor and for God's sake, don't tell her it's cool if she still has feelings for him. Kiss of death, man. Don't do that to yourself.

Ignore the guy. He's in the past and if you play your cards right, that's where he'll stay. She practically drew you a map to her heart by telling you to take charge, so do it. Give her lots of attention and give her every reason to forget that guy.

Yeah, I'm still trying the way to make her come down to my side. Is there a way to bring him up in a way to tell her to lay off with the communication with him, without upsetting her? And yeah, I give her lots of attention...should I play hard to get also? By like, not answering her call(s)/texts for a day?

[GrkScorp]

So she kept saying she didn't know, but then later on in a text, she said that she felt she was the one making all the decisions and she wants me to take more control in our relationship and that she would enjoy going anywhere with me even if it was to the Moon.

Yeah.. there's the issue right there.. BINGO!

What she's telling you is.. that she doesn't want a "nice, polite, well-mannered, wussy, push-over, follower, submissive, gentleman".. She wants a "man"

And the role of a man, it to take the lead and take control of the situation.. because she, as the woman, doesn't want to think, she just wants to be in for the ride.. and if you can't provide a fun ride.. she is NOT going to take over the driver's seat.. that's not fun, that's not her role in the relationship..

What WILL she do? Go find those qualities in someone else.. wait.. she already has!

I'll tell you this much, in relation to you, and in contrast, your competitor, is perceived to be more of a man in relative terms than YOU.. To aid in this fact, is the frustration she feels towards your failure to take control and the lead.. and the mystery and lure of going with this guy..

That's all ok.. it's not the end of the world.. and i'll tell you why.. because you can snap out of it!

That's right! You can snap out of what you THINK she wants.. what you THINK is attractive and desireable.. what you've been lead to THINK by movies and American culture.. you can snap out of it now

Here are some myths which are not true about what is appealing:

- Polite & well-mannered
- Bad-boy attitude
- Being a gentleman
- Being a push-over
- Being emotionally weak & submissive
- Waiting for her to make all the choices and take action first (initiate)
- Handing her the role of the leader, and giving her all control

NOT ATTRACTIVE!

Now, this may come as a shocker, but here's what is attractive:

- Strong character
- Powerful vibe
- Focused mind
- A man in control who will take the lead, and carry her along
- A man who has his way with the rest of the world
- A man who is strong, but sensitive only to "her"
- A man who is aggressive & powerful, but understanding at the same time
- A man who is not timid or discrete about his sexuality

Yeah, I know.. not quite like the movies.. not the message American culture sends at all! but;

THIS IS WHAT IS ATTRACTIVE!

Great.. I bet you make your parents and grandparents really happy by being a nice boy and a gentleman.. but that is just steps away from being a woman.. not even.. a little girl to be more exact..

But from now on.. you know what is attractive, and what isn't.. So, as you start to realize these attractive inner qualities of yours, you'll notice how less inhibited you feel to just let them come out now.. and that's because you know now that these qualities are attractive, and that those old qualities are not.. and as you can feel these new qualities come out from within.. as you notice your inner man come out.. you'll start to realize that you actually have the upper hand in this battle over your competitor..

This is EXACTLY what your gf wants.. a strong and powerful man who will take control and lead her.. and that's exactly what you are now.. you're that man.. and you're with her.. she's yours.. end of story.. This other guy, is just some ugly chick.. he's not competition.. he's nobody..

So, talk to her, and from now on, forget the past, just be your new self now..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Gigabitch]

You don't need to tell her to stay away from him. You need to make her want to.

[Mathias]

You don't need to tell her to stay away from him. You need to make her want to.

This is pretty much it.

My girlfriend had an ex that still hung around quite a bit when I first met her. Seemed like she was on the fence.

They don't talk anymore. He still calls/texts her, etc, but she's made that decision.

Make her want it. Then she will.

[Prerequisite]

Damn, thanks for the loads of information ladies and gents. I definitely have a new sense of what I'm to do in the relationship now. Next time we're out, I won't mention the ex, I'll just focus on things between the two of us.

Just out of curiosity, what are some examples of making her want it?

[vashti]

That's the hard part. It probably varies, depending on her needs.

[Prerequisite]

I see, I see. I'm going to invite her over to my house tomorrow, since we're on break. Probably just chill and watch television and talk...my way of not having to actually take her out, but make her come to me. I have another question, prom is about 2 months away, and I've yet to ask anyone yet. Since me and her are together now, shouldn't she go to prom with me? Provided that I ask her, which I more than likely will.

[GrkScorp]

Just out of curiosity, what are some examples of making her want it?

Honestly? the cock

Seriously.. now,

There are three things that get switches flipped:

- Attraction
- Comfort
- Value

Let's just say, that I already know what one works better for this girl.. (Attraction).. she wants a man, and she's made that quite clear.. she wants someone to lead her, and take control.. and if she can feel that the other guy is doing a better and more natural job of that.. then he's going to have his way with her..

- Attraction: is just projecting every raw quality of a man.. a beast, an animal, a hunter, a warrior, an assertive, aggressive, secure, powerful, strong, focused, unaffected male.. one who is in complete control.. and is the leader of any situation.. be it with his friends, his family, in his work, in life, and especially with "her"

- Comfort: is just allowing for a sense of trust, safety, and security.. A guy who is sensitive, understanding, considerate, thoughtful, protective, supportive, and motivating.. Also, a deep sense of connection and fluid communication.. This allows for "chemistry", and makes emotional stimulation.. but all of this, is not general, but with "her" (note: this accounts for the 1/100 women who are deeply attracted to gay men)

- Value: you either have it or you don't.. (JAPs, LIGs, & Guidettes are all about value).. Looks, style, wealth, status, networking & connections, social power, humor, being fun, and being interesting.. that's it.. this is what value is.. and what's attractive is the idea that all this value you have to offer will be enjoyed by "her"

That's it.. these are catch-all categories.. and every so-often someone pops up and says "wait! what about ____?".. just look at each again.. they're mutually exclusive, and all-inclusive.. if you can think of it.. it belongs in one of those three..

I'll tell you right now.. you would do really well with girls what are biased and geared towards (Comfort).. but you would NOT do well for girls like her, who are biased and geared towards (Attraction).. that's ok though, that just means she's either young, mentally immature, or both.. (This is why the "bad-boy phase" eventually passes).. but that's no excuse!

You know that this is you.. this part of you is inside.. you're just suppressing it.. you're inhibitions are not allowing you to express the real man that lies within you.. Social inhibitions of what you think is "proper, polite, nice, gentle, etc".. of what you think you should be like.. but you're over this mentality now.. You're already free.. uninhibited.. You already know that it's ok to let the real man come out from inside of you now.. And as you do that.. you'll notice how much more attracted to you she will become.. and that's because she's the type of girl who has made it clear, that she's biased towards (Attraction).. she's revealed her preferences.. and if she can't look towards you to satisfy them, she'll look somewhere else..

Be a man, and believe me.. she'll want "it".. whatever "it" happens to be..

Best,

GrkScorp

[GrkScorp]

I have another question, prom is about 2 months away, and I've yet to ask anyone yet. Since me and her are together now, shouldn't she go to prom with me?

Look.. if the two of you are together, and you ask her to the prom.. it's kind of very socially awkward for her to say anything but "yes"

But you know what.. she still wants to hear it.. trust me.. so asking her, in and of itself, will go a long way.. She wants her man to make such a symbolic gesture.. (yes, I know it means nothing logically.. but forget about logic.. in her world.. it means a lot.. and that's all that matters).. So when she comes over.. Tell her.. (it's not a question, you know she's going to accept.. she may offer some resistance just for fun, but she'll ultimately accept)

"Hey.. (touch her, hug her, be in some form of kino.. better yet, let her be in your arms as you're about to say the rest) I know it's a little far away from now.. and I know there's no reason to ask.. but I want to ask you anyway.. (kiss on the forehead & look her in the eyes).. will you be my date for the prom? (smile)"

After she says "yes", don't leave it there.. follow up with:

"Do you know what you want to wear yet? You should start looking for something, so you can tell me what to look for so we look good together for pictures.. We should go looking one of these days.."

Best,

GrkScorp

[vashti]

I see, I see. I'm going to invite her over to my house tomorrow, since we're on break. Probably just chill and watch television and talk...my way of not having to actually take her out, but make her come to me. I have another question, prom is about 2 months away, and I've yet to ask anyone yet. Since me and her are together now, shouldn't she go to prom with me? Provided that I ask her, which I more than likely will.

If you two are still together, then of course she should go with you. However, 2 months can be a long time in the life of a teenager. I wouldn't ask her for probably another 4 or 5 weeks.

[Mish]

Just out of curiosity, what are some examples of making her want it?

She already revealed that onto you.

Show the initiative, take control, show that you have what it takes to lead the charge for the two of you. But at the same time be understanding of what's important to her. Take her to places she wants to go to, use your intuition to work it out.

Don't be intimidated by her ex, don't let this competition lower your inner value. Competition is fun it should motivate you to compete, motivate you to win. But, if after some time she is still hung up on him, this could be something more than just innocent misplaced feelings. If you begin to see a pattern of her coming back to him, you may need to seat her down for a little one on one.

[vashti]

She already indicated she wants Prerequisite to take some initiative in planning activities. While it's important to do things you think she will enjoy, I suggest you not resort to primarily doing the things SHE wants to do... that will put the burden of all the planning back on her shoulders.

This is the dynamic you want to AVOID:

you: what do you want to do today?
her: I don't know. What do YOU want to do?
you: I don't know. I just want to be with you.

Also, keep yourself busy. Nothing is worse than a guy who consistently has nothing to do.