I hate myself :(

[fallenAngel]

Funny it may seem, but i really hated myself lately. I am married for 5 yrs but during those 5 yrs it seemed that i never really learned to love my husband that much. Not to mention that i never really loved him even the first day we met. We married or i married him because it's my parents decision. I thought i would eventually learn to love him in time but i don't. What sucks is he wont let me go. I've talked to him many times about it, i want out, but he won't let me. I know in my heart if i won't go out of this relationship, i will hurt him more and more and i am also being unfair to him and to my self. I don't want to live in misery anymore. I don't want to live in mistake and chances anymore, im so tired of pretending and making my self believe that we can still make it through, that we ca make it happen... How can i ever make him understand how i really feel? How can i ever break it to him the most gentle way? How can i ever make him accept these things and let me go...

[bluesummer]

Question: was this an 'arranged' marriage? Did you know this man well or at all before you married? What is it about him that makes it that you are unable to have any feelings for him?

Just need a feel for the situation before I give you an opinion.

[PussyCatDoll]

are you asian?

why is he not letting you go?

[GrkScorp]

How can i ever make him understand how i really feel? How can i ever break it to him the most gentle way? How can i ever make him accept these things and let me go...

Seriously?

The Checklist:

- Gain 60+ pounds
- Always ask him for ice-cream or sweets
- Let yourself go, shower every leap-year, don't shave
- Dress like a mother, even if you don't have kids
- Be the most sexually unattractive woman in the world
- Don't cook
- Don't do anything around the house
- Find a piece of furniture like a sofa or love-seat and make it your new home
- Never get off that sofa or love-seat, be lazy
- Keep making demands (money, things for the house)
- Keep nagging at him about how everything he does bothers you
- Keep nagging about how you wish your parents would fix you with someone better
- Keep nagging about how you do so much for this family and he does nothing
- Keep asserting the fact that "you're my husband!" or "i'm your wife!" and make demands about what you think that means, what he should do, and what that "entitles you to".. assert it as fact.. like it's some law he can't argue against.. like these unrealistic and unreasonable demands of yours are infact your divine right..

Sooner or later, it's going to hit him... HE doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you.. Not only will he file for divorce while it's still early.. but he'll carry you back to your parents and ask for a refund..

On the flip-side of that coin.. why did you agree to marry him if you didn't love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him? Hmm? To make your parents happy, because they've given you so much during your life.. (no i'm not Indian, just seen my fair share of Bollywood films).. In the movies.. you leave your husband and fall into the arms of the man of your dreams.. But in reality, there's a huge and complicated legal process in place, it's not that fluid, and there are no 500 songs in the backround..

Look, if you're getting advice from Americans, you're going to hear a lot of liberal ideas that I think are right, but then again, i'm American & European.. different ideology.. different idea of what is normal and what is right.. Talk to Indian parents, and this is disrespectful, dishonerable, immoral, selfish on your part.. How dare you disobey a simple request by your parents, to marry this stranger.. after all they have done for you.. shame on you.. That's the ideology that breeds such marriages.. Your free choice doesn't really matter, nor does your husband's free choice.. it's all part of some arrangement.. and you can't argue with it, it's up to the parents.. like a business deal.. and if you're the reason that business deal goes sour, then you're embarassing your family.. (look, i'm not saying I agree with it, I don't.. but what I think is right and wrong is consistent to everyone else's idea of what is right and wrong in this part of the world.. in other parts of the world, this liberal ideology can get you killed)

This is the problem with the introduction of American culture into Asia.. "divorce rates"..

There's good news though, why don't you tell us about some of the details of "why" you feel you can't love this man or live with him for the rest of your life, and we may be able to offer more useful insight into the issue.. maybe it's not as bad as you're making it out to be..

Best,

GrkScorp

[bluesummer]

I'm actually a good source on this topic, GS. My ex husband was Indian and I've been a part of the community for years. I know how the whole marriage/family/cultural values work. I also have many asian (as in chinese/korean/filipino) friends that have similar backgrounds in terms of values and cultural issues, and I've had to deal with their frustrations for years.

That's why I asked the poster the questions I did.

[GrkScorp]

I'm actually a good source on this topic

Hey hey.. easy.. I didn't say I didn't believe you..

I know Blue.. my ex of 3 years was Indian, and her parents were "not quite American".. I loved them though.. and let's just say that 70+% of accounting students are asian.. funny how I never grew to like asian girls.. but yes, it's a completely different culture and value system.. day and night between what we consider to be normal, right, or wrong.. though it has its charm..

Yikes, your ex was Indian.. the women are submissive, the guys are just.. well.. I think you know first hand how the guys are..

At least the only thing I can really complain about were the 150+ bollywood movies I saw in 3 years.. It was so bad I actually knew what was going to happen, how the story would unfold in the most cheezy way possible.. when a song was about to come up.. etc..

If the OP is Indian, I think to make best of the situation, rent Bunty aur Bubbly and watch it..

Blue, were you forced to watch Bollywood films too?

[bluesummer]

I can't say that of all of them, I've met some great ones. My ex was not one of them. Back then though, I was the naive one that thought I'd gotten the one that was 'different'.

Strangely enough, his parents adored me, although they were straight out of a village in Punjab, and my mother in law spoke no English. However, his new gf is Filipino, divorced, and has a kid.......and they won't let her in the house. Divorcees with kids (oh, and asians to boot) just don't fall in with the whole value system. They keep trying to convince me to get back with him so he'll forget about the new gf. Ugh, no thanks.

[Mish]

How can i ever make him understand how i really feel? How can i ever break it to him the most gentle way? How can i ever make him accept these things and let me go...

Do you live in the west? If yes then the answer is very simple. You apply for divorce. Western "no fault" divorce laws will let you two seperate without his consent. These technicalities imo are the least of your worries.

Your biggest worry will be your conscience, hurting someone who apprently loves you so deeply. Wondering when you finally become single if there really is such thing as a perfect match if it's sometimes better just to settle and work out the differences.

Another question, do you have children?

[bluesummer]

Do you live in the west? If yes then the answer is very simple. You apply for divorce. Western "no fault" divorce laws will let you two seperate without his consent. These technicalities imo are the least of your worries.

I think the issue here Mish, is a cultural one. Any culture where a woman is forced to marry someone chosen by her parents makes it very very hard for the person to divorce.....unless it is completely mutual.

[Mish]

I think the issue here Mish, is a cultural one. Any culture where a woman is forced to marry someone chosen by her parents makes it very very hard for the person to divorce.....unless it is completely mutual.

Hmmm

I think I want to be part of that culture

Where do I sign up?

[GrkScorp]

Hmmm

I think I want to be part of that culture

Where do I sign up?

I don't know.. You may want to watch this video first before you make up your mind..

[ame="http://youtube.com/watch?v=lFsDVdmwTbU"]YouTube - Bheega Bheega Sa... Chocolate[/ame]

Hey, it's not like I didn't enjoy ANY of the films I watched through the years..

[DoesntMatter]

I hate you too OP

[Illusional]

break up are never easy. being that his wasn't your decisions will only give him the upper edge which is why he feels that he won't let go. he doesn't want his pride to be hurt because he feels that you belong to him, more or less. if he's not willing to listen then cheat on him. that's how i would do it because it doesn't seem like you're willing to tell him off.

raverboy

[fallenAngel]

Guys, I appreciate all your advices. I know i really have to tell everything from the beginning. First of, I'm an asian and we have 2kids. The sole reason why it's so hard for me to leave- my kids. We married because my parents wants him for me. When my dad was hospitalized due to acute apendisitis(do i spell it correctly?gosh!) we don't have enough money to pay for the hospital bills, i was just starting a career back then. Im still supporting my 2 other siblings' studies not to mention being the bread winner in the family(my dad is a gambler my mom is a plain house wife),so i don't have extra money to pay for the hospital bill. Asking him for any favor is the last thing i would do, never realizing that my mom already talked to him and ask help to pay our hospital bill as it will get even higher if my dad would stay longer. He paid everything. The bill, medicine prescription and he even handed my mom cash for dad's food and other needs.That's how it all started. So whenever he visited or came into our house, mom and dad are the ones entertaining him. And then finally he asked me to marry him, of course i declined. I don't love him, for me marriage is sacred and i would only marry the one i love. But what can a good daughter do to object by her parents decision? Every day they always tell me he's the one i need-the one we need. Someone who can help me live a more comfortable life so i wont be needing to work for us anymore. Every time i'm in the house this is the usual conversation and im sick and tired of hearing all these. One day we found out that dad has a cancer and he needs special medication. First it doesnt bother me at all (financial matter) as my aunt (my dad's sis) who married a us navy and happens to be an american citizen used to send us money for his medication. Until one sad morning telling us that she can no longer send us money. They were robbed and their business went bankrupt. And there was him... he helped us with all dad's expensive medication. So i think things over and convinced myself that he is indeed the man i need. I might not feel anything for him yet but i know eventually when we get married i will learn to love him also. But i was wrong, coz the more i tried, the more i see reasons not to. Everyday i told myself i love him, I need him. Over and over and over again but it's really different when you're just loving the person because you are obliged to do so. The other person will eventually feel and realized it. And so he changed. He's so jealous. Especially during our first 6 mos of being together. Almost every month i changed sim card coz everytime he saw a male name registered on my phone, we'll fight. I can't even remember a time i went on a night out with friends that he's not with me. My friends call me boring. We always fight with simple things. So our first baby was born and i thought everything would change, but it didnt, it actually just made things even more complicated, worst and unmanageable. He don't want me taking care of the baby, he is jealous about the baby which i find absurd and abnormal. Most men are happy having a baby. He don't want me putting the baby in between us when we're sleeping and many more. So i confronted him. I want out. He doesnt want to. I can't even count how many times i tried asking him to let me go. All he do is promise me he would change but nothings really changed. So i cheat on him hoping that when he find out he'll get mad and let me go, hell no! he was mad but he never lets me go. so the second baby came but things get more and more complicated. He seldom went home-something that he never did for the last 5yrs of being married. No matter how bad our fight is, he still stays at home. I wrote a letter to him telling all that i want but he just send me an email saying he loves me, and because he do, he cant just let me go coz if he did its just as good as telling himself to die. I hate myself! I don't know what i did why he loves me so much. He loves me so much and it's killing me. I love the kids but i also love myself. I know i also love him because if i don't, perhaps, i'll just sit down, accept my fate and pretend that everything is fine. Since i know i love him(is it my heart or my conscience telling me this?), i know he deserves someone better. someone who will love him back the way he love me. Someone who will stay with him forever. Not me. Not me. Oh boy!Not me.I know if we'd stay together like this, we'll just continue hurting each other, and we'll probably end up hating each other. It's hard. It's breakin' me apart. I can't decide. I don't know what to do

[MadKat]

....this is too much emotion and big decision...
i feel your pain, but i cant give an advise also...sorry.