Feels like we're going nowhere...what to do?

[Nice_Guy_4_U]

Hello all! I'm new here and honestly was avoiding something like this, but I just don't know what to do and was hoping I could get some third party advice.

My girlfriend and I have been together now for about 2 1/2 years. Things are going kinda well. There are a couple things I am having problems with.

First, even though we've been together this long, we barely see each other. We live about an hour apart and the only times we see each other are for about an hour most Thursdays on my lunch hour. And for less than 24 hours on the weekends. She still lives at home so she usually comes to my house Saturday midday/evening time frame. And then Sunday morning (if she actually stays the night), we'll get up around 10ish and she will almost immediately get dressed and basically leave.

I hate this. I have asked multiple times to move in with me, but at first she wasn't sure. Then she was sure, but needed to find a job here first. Now, she wants a ring before moving in.

Here's my moral dilemma. She has a very large family. The reason she doesn't stay long and doesn't come up for longer is because she is the youngest child and the only one that still lives at home. Her parents are getting older. They are nearing their 70's. They have medical issues from time to time. And she is the only person in her very large family that actually does anything to help her parents.

I don't want to force her to leave that situation. But on the other side, I'm not getting any younger. I'm 33 and already feeling old age creep up on me. I don't want to have kids in my 40's and not be able to play ball with my kids. Or have to go to their soccer practice with a cane or something like that. I may be over exaggerating, but the main point is I'm ready to start a family. I don't think she is. She is the caretaker of her family. If we have kids I feel I'll be the one at home all the time and she'll be out taking care of someone else.

I am pretty steadfast about living together before going to the next step. I've been engaged twice before and have also lived with a couple really good friends. I know how things change once you live with someone. I don't want to get in another situation where our lives are just to different in the long run.

We see each other less than 24 hours in a week...how am I supposed to be comfortable "popping" the question with that?

We have talked about this numerous times, yet nothing is changing. Like I said, I hate to be a jerk and don't want to ignore her family. It's important that her parents have care. But at the rate we're going, I feel things just aren't going to change. I don't even know HOW they could change and everyone be happy or comfortable.

I do love her. She is the best girlfriend I've had. But I'm kinda at the end of my rope and just don't know what to do.

I really hope someone out there can give me some good advice on this.

Thanks for reading and for any advice that is offered.

[Mish]

I hate this. I have asked multiple times to move in with me, but at first she wasn't sure. Then she was sure, but needed to find a job here first. Now, she wants a ring before moving in.

Talk to her about that and find out why? Explain your own situation. You guys will have some serious compromising to do and you should be ready to meet her half way. Would you be ready for that? Think of how you can give in a little from your position so she can give in a little from hers. It's called negotiation and once you are married there will be a lot of that to do, so best practice now. E.g. Would you be willing to give her a ring now so she can move in with you, but get married two years later after all the living arrangements are smoothed out?

[Nice_Guy_4_U]

We have talked. We both agree something has to change. I have tried to come down after work every Friday for the past month, but there's always a reason for me not to. She's always busy with her family or friends. I've even told her that it's like she's too busy to have a boyfriend.

I don't know what else I can do. I can't go down there during the week. We can't get together on Friday's. I'm out of ideas.

And, no, I really don't feel comfortable giving her a ring right now. I know the past is the past, but I've had bad luck before and don't want to take that next step until I'm 100% sure this time.

[Mish]

Well this is a conflict that you're facing. Acknowledge it. A conflict requires negotiation for resolution. Negotiation requires compromises or alternative solutions to reach a win / win scenario. Read up a little bit on negotiation tactics, about BATNA and such. When you are ready to negotiate talk to her.