is my female friend being an idiot, or am i?

[anachronistic]

well, a girl i know from back during my high school years (i'd consider her a good friend of mine) i feel has been ignoring me. she goes to a university 4 hours away from my own campus. the thing is, she's been diving into all kinds of open relationships and other things that one would never expect from her. it irritates me and i am beginning to look at her differently.

she is on msn all the time, but never bothers to send me a message, as if she is too busy for friendship. a friend of mine feels the same way about how she is acting. in fact, she is visiting a town about 40 miles from our campus. we'd like her to visit, but that's 'out of the way' and she "doesn't have time". actually, i posted on her facebook wall saying "so are you going to make your weekend trip worthwhile and visit your buddies at USD (university i go to)" to which she completely ignored (she got on today and did a bunch of stuff on facebook after the fact that i posted this comment) so I deleted the post.

the other night she bothered me asking me for help on her art project for school; she couldn't think of an idea, and asked for my help. after she got what she wanted, she didn't want to talk anymore. i tried to keep the conversation going, that is, until she actually begged, "can we please save this conversation for later?"

I am beginning to see 'later' as 'never'. People come and go in and out of one's life. Sadly, I feel like it's that time where this friend of mine is going to be departing out of my life. She's only been talking to me when she needs help with stuff.... it doesn't bother me to give people advice, but I am starting to think that my relationship with this girl has devolved into such a thing.

I am starting to get angry about it, and I want to block her on facebook and msn to get my point across. I just feel like it will go over her head if I just flat out say what is on my mind. She tends to overreact and overanalyze things, anyway. Then again, I am not sure if I am making too big of a deal about it. It's one of those 3:1 feelings.

help me out. what should i do?

[IndiReloaded]

Don't help other ppl & expect something in return, LW. Else you waste energy helping a thankless person AND waste energy getting upset about it.

Sounds like she's a fairweather-user 'friend'. Just understand what it is and set your boundaries accordingly.

[anachronistic]

Don't help other ppl & expect something in return, LW. Else you waste energy helping a thankless person AND waste energy getting upset about it.

Sounds like she's a fairweather-user 'friend'. Just understand what it is and set your boundaries accordingly.

thing is, seems like we've fallen from this really nice, close, mutual relationship to this. disappointing. my evil vengeful side wants to kick in and make her regret how it is. i mean, she seemed really desperate for help, so i just gave her a short simple answer. then i tried to start a conversation since we haven't talked in such a long time. urgh...

[IndiReloaded]

Depends on what kind of relationship you have, LW. There are 'friends' and FRIENDS.

If she is really an old, close friend as you say I'd suggest the direct:

'hey, haven't heard from you in a while & want to get together soon, when are you available'

Ppl get busy, LW. I have a couple *very* old friends (the sort who'd get on a plane for me if I asked & vice-versa) & our communication goes in bursts. Sometimes we don't speak for weeks/months & then we talk for hours on the phone or by email like it was yesterday.

"Those that matter don't mind & those that mind don't matter."

[IndiReloaded]

disappointing. my evil vengeful side wants to kick in and make her regret how it is.

Hmmm. I'm going to throw something out here, LW for you to think about.

Are you her 'friend' b/c of who SHE is, or b/c of how she makes YOU feel? Know thyself, Grasshopper.

[DoesntMatter]

She's a bitch. A couple days ago in chem lecture one of my best friends greeted one of his "friends" who is a girl sitting in front of us. He just said "whaddup" or something to that effect and she turned around and looked all annoyed and bothered by him and ignored him (this not even over msn!!) until he said hi again and she just snubbed him.

I wanted to kick this cunt in the face for doing that to my friend

[lastwish]

Since you guys don't go to the same university its hard to meet up that often. She could be busy. I have close friends from high school which i still consider my close friends. But we haven't hanged out for months now and haven't talked to each other for a month now. But I am still looking forward to hanging out with them after school ends. As for helping her, look at your own schedule too. If you are too busy or just lazy, you don't have to help her with her school projects. But as for me, if a friend wants my help and I have nothing better to do, I help her without feeling she needs to help me back.

[Only-virgins]

She probably is being an idiot. She is a female, they are prone to it genetically.

[anachronistic]

Depends on what kind of relationship you have, LW. There are 'friends' and FRIENDS.

If she is really an old, close friend as you say I'd suggest the direct:

'hey, haven't heard from you in a while & want to get together soon, when are you available'

Ppl get busy, LW. I have a couple *very* old friends (the sort who'd get on a plane for me if I asked & vice-versa) & our communication goes in bursts. Sometimes we don't speak for weeks/months & then we talk for hours on the phone or by email like it was yesterday.

"Those that matter don't mind & those that mind don't matter."

We were really close, never intimate. We always saw eye-to-eye, and that's why we were such good friends; we understood each other and had the same world views.

It seems like she has time for all her other friends, though. I mean, she drove 3 hours in our direction to see a guy she just met that she has a crush on, but somehow, it is not worth it to drive another 40 minutes to see two friends that really care about her and have not talked to her for quite some time. Things like this make me question 'friendship'.

[anachronistic]

Hmmm. I'm going to throw something out here, LW for you to think about.

Are you her 'friend' b/c of who SHE is, or b/c of how she makes YOU feel? Know thyself, Grasshopper.

Both. I really trust her, she is an intelligent young woman, I thought she was a loyal friend, but this is what I am beginning to question.

Also, I am the kind of guy that tends to become friends with everyone... just my nature. I felt closer to her though because of her personality in comparison to mine.

That is a difficult question to respond to, though. The answer is clear to me, but hopefully I have explained it well enough.

[anachronistic]

She's a bitch. A couple days ago in chem lecture one of my best friends greeted one of his "friends" who is a girl sitting in front of us. He just said "whaddup" or something to that effect and she turned around and looked all annoyed and bothered by him and ignored him (this not even over msn!!) until he said hi again and she just snubbed him.

I wanted to kick this cunt in the face for doing that to my friend

I would have asked her what crawled into her cunt and died.

Since you guys don't go to the same university its hard to meet up that often. She could be busy. I have close friends from high school which i still consider my close friends. But we haven't hanged out for months now and haven't talked to each other for a month now. But I am still looking forward to hanging out with them after school ends. As for helping her, look at your own schedule too. If you are too busy or just lazy, you don't have to help her with her school projects. But as for me, if a friend wants my help and I have nothing better to do, I help her without feeling she needs to help me back.

I understand, but also, she never calls me on the phone, never talks to me on MSN, she didn't even wish me happy birthday this year, and she hasn't forgotten my birthday until now. A buddy of mine told her that she forgot it, for whatever reason, and said she didn't seem affected, or guilty, and didn't even ask to extend her wishes through him. She is on the internet, she will be sitting on MSN for long periods of time with her thumb up her ass, but for whatever reason does not start a conversation with me. If there is ever a conversation, it's pretty one-sided (me doing all the talking) and only happened because I started it. She does not mention that she is busy out of politeness, therefore I assume that she isn't. That, and they're not good one-sided conversations. I always end up saying something really weird, or asking dumb questions because of it. I feel that there is something wrong with that.

I am also irritated because visiting us (her friends) who are only a stone's throw away from where she is visiting, and she does not do it.

I feel somewhat avoided; asking me for help on MSN, after I give her my opinions and advice, I try to start a conversation, and she asks if we can talk some other time instead. Maybe it was the time of the night, which was quite late, but if she was so busy, why did she stay on MSN? Call me skeptical, but I find that particularly odd, especially realizing that she rarely leaves her computer idle.

[IndiReloaded]

We were really close, never intimate. We always saw eye-to-eye, and that's why we were such good friends; we understood each other and had the same world views.

It seems like she has time for all her other friends, though. I mean, she drove 3 hours in our direction to see a guy she just met that she has a crush on, but somehow, it is not worth it to drive another 40 minutes to see two friends that really care about her and have not talked to her for quite some time. Things like this make me question 'friendship'.

You sound jealous, LW. Her behaviour is normal for someone who has met someone new. Friends understand these things. At present, you are single so you have more time for this gal. But if you were really into someone yourself, you wounldn't be so bothered I bet.

I have a single friend now dating seriously & one recently married. Both fall off our radar, sometimes for months. Its no big deal. If you want to see this gal, tell her. If she blows you off, then you have reason to be sad for your friendship, or lack of. But if you are as close as you say, I doubt she will.

Maybe she thinks *you're* busy. Thought of that?

[Junket]

This shit happens dude, you're at the point where alot of it happens.

I haven't talked to my childhood best friend since the Virginia Tech shooting.

Edit: I agree with Indie with her theory about a little jealousy.

In fact, I notice more than anything that you tend to get quite distraught over the loss of your female companions, or any issues you may be having with them.

[anachronistic]

You're absolutely right. Jealousy is a part of this. But I've developed sort of a "bros before hoes attitude". Please don't take this literally, I take the meaning of this as something similar to "Friends before lovers". Isn't it right to have this sort of attitude? When does it cross the other way around?

Yeah, I would be less bothered if I was preoccupied with a girlfriend, but not as much as she seems to be. If she is already at that point, she is probably desperate for a boyfriend; you just don't simply allow your life to revolve around a person like that. But the strange thing is that I don't have those kinds of feelings for her. I am not jealous that she likes another guy, I am jealous that I am not getting the attention that I once did. Same with my other friend, but he seems not as bothered. I think he is used to it since he's known her longer.

I haven't talked to several of my good guy friends for quite some time. One is back in Ohio, and one is back home, working full time. I have a saying for such things; "Einsamkeit wird Seligkeit." Which nearly means "Solitude is happiness."

Why do I think it's jealousy? Because I go on facebook, and I see my high school sweetheart (different girl), and I get jealous very fast. She doesn't have a boyfriend, but I am not on her top friends list, I have the strange feeling I've been blocked on MSN by her, I know that any attempt to call her will be ignored, if I tag her in poems and galleries full of my art work she does not comment them. I notice myself going on her profile once or twice a day to see what's new in her life. I feel guilty of that... for it was me that added her as a friend. Sometimes I wonder if she is over our relationship. It's the way she manipulated me. Part of these desires to check up on her on facebook are lustful. I want to have sex with her because she is so incredibly hot! But I think the other half is that I do not have a girlfriend and I for whatever reason want to try to get back with her. I guess the two years of counseling didn't help much, LOL! I guess that I realize I can live my life without her (prior to what I thought before) and that I just simply choose not to.

During that time when I actually thought I had moved on was just after summer, when I started dating that slutty girl in the Fall semester. Seems like ever since I broke up, I've started gloating over feelings for that ex girlfriend. Maybe this is what happens when you've only had one relationship that was significant.

I guess as far as my love life has gone, for one reason or another, my crushes have all ended. Well, there is a girl back at home that I might get to sleep with, but I don't think I would want a relationship with her because of her reputation and she does drugs every once and a while. I begin to wonder if my expectations are too high, and whether I should have expectations. I am still far from being able to enjoy women without desiring them, which is a religious resolution for me.

And to be honest, I really haven't seen any girls since high school that really made me want to chase after. Maybe I am not getting out enough or something.

[Mish]

You're absolutely right. Jealousy is a part of this. But I've developed sort of a "bros before hoes attitude". Please don't take this literally, I take the meaning of this as something similar to "Friends before lovers". Isn't it right to have this sort of attitude? When does it cross the other way around?

It depends on the friendship and motivations. I find "Bros before hoes" works better with guys, not with women. Especially not when there are attractions, expectations and jealousies. Depending on how intuitive she is, she might sense these things. One thing I've noticed is when "attraction" between friends is noticed by one party or the other the friendship becomes a bit more distant if its not mutual.

Just one more thing to bear in mind