Inner Game

[Mish]

Never mentioned anything about insecurity. In general human companionship satisfies certain needs.

Not being 100% at peace with yourself means having an insecurity(s), this is something you don't need in a relationship. Work to fix them up first, then you won't have relationship with problems.

[Mish]

Flashing back to all those times, the reason I failed to get a dinner, or a date, or a number, has never been the fault of the "line" i've said.. because THERE IS NO LINE.. instead, it's been because of failure to build enough attraction, connection, and comfort..

And guess what, every time I DID get a date, number, dinner, etc.. THERE WAS NO LINE, sometimes no questions, most of the times it was just a statement.. but each time, there was more than enough attraction and connection to act as a motivator for her actions.. and enough comfort to not hold her back from doing anything she wanted to do.. At that point, anything from what I told Mish, the "Why don't we ___" to a "Have you ever been to _____? I'm going for lunch there in about an hour, you should come, I owe you for helping me with ____".. to a simple "Hey, let's go to ___".. all work.. because she wants them to work.. and there's nothing holding her back..

Just out of curiosity (it never happened to me) but if after all of the above you go for a kiss just to listen to "I don't want to loose you as a friend" speech, what do you do from there? Is there a way out? Do you stay friends or distance? I guess you'd have to be very careful with the timing of something like that.

[bohemiandonut]

Okay GrkScorp, I decided I don't have time for this dating bullshit and I just want my mean ex-girlfriend back. Besides altering my cognitive frame so that I in actuality do NOT want her back, or publically dating a bunch of high value sluts, what can I do to get the bitch back?

Bitches are such sluts.

[GrkScorp]

Just out of curiosity (it never happened to me) but if after all of the above you go for a kiss just to listen to "I don't want to loose you as a friend" speech, what do you do from there? Is there a way out? Do you stay friends or distance? I guess you'd have to be very careful with the timing of something like that.

Well, hopefully.. you never reach to that point to begin with.. That's not something you should worry about.. seriously..

And I say that because, there are two modes of being in:

- Calibrated
- Miscalibrated (usually the case with one-itis)

For as long as you've started talking, attraction is building up, you're being unpredictable and emotionally stimulating, you progress with touching mutually, there's both convo & kino comfort, and you start to feel that mutual sense of connection.. Kissing is the natural next step.. in fact, you can feel it just by the mood you've set up with your strong and powerful frame.. you can tell without even looking at her puppy-dog eyes all watered up, her face glued onto your direction, her lips getting heavy and lazy, her breathing getting tense, deeper, slower..., building up for that moment..

The biggest myth is, miscalibrating a kiss.. I'm not saying it doesn't happen.. people get struck by lightning all the time, but i'm sure you went outside your house today.. and similarly..., if miscalibration is going to happen, it's going to take place during "attraction".. Why?

- Remember, from the moment you start talking, and she's talking back.. it's on! (You haven't opened NYC JAPs, with hissing that sounds a lot like "Get lost!... I'm not interested!... Ugh, loser!".. I call it hissing, because if they were truly unaffected, and not validation/ego hungry, they wouldn't "hiss" in an attempt to lower my perceived value relative to their own.. but they do hiss, and all that arms me with, is information, that they are putting up an act, they're insecure, and more vulnerable than average girls ironically enough)

- Girls won't ALLOW themselves to get emotionally aroused/stimulated around you, if they don't first determine that you meet a certain quality threashold (no, relax.. not this ideal, utopian, perfect standard she dreams of the perfect man being.. just a few marks off a mental checklist; he's fcukable, he's confident, he's not a push-over, he's understanding, he has some status (financial), he has some status (social, friends), other people like him alot, other women find him attractive, he doesn't seem like he's trying to get anything from me or desperate/needy in any way.. let's see where this takes us).. from that, she'll ALLOW herself to fall into that attracted state with you.. in some cases, searching desperately herself for things the two of you have in common to form a sense of chemistry and connection..

- Why? Simple.. Would you benefit from the sexual pleasure a fat/ugly girl would provide.. I don't mean to be harsh, but think about it.. I'm sure there would be SOME mode of pleasure there for you.. And as you would start to feel that, you would try and make it stop.. You would prevent it from happening.. because she doesn't meet a certain quality threashold.. Likewise, a girl would put the breaks on the whole thing WAY before things would get to "kissing".. she doesn't want a low-quality guy emotionally arousing/stimulating her, much less kissing her..

And honestly, from 16 to 23.. one thing i've never miscalibrated (and believe me, i've been notorious for miscalibration) is "kissing".. Neither have ANY of my guy friends; (except for my ex-best friend Mike)... BUT! In the event it DOES by some freak chance happen..

1. (Preferred method, honestly) Analyze the situation; if it's clear that you miscalibrated, tell her "let's not, the last thing i'm looking for are more friends" and leave; but as you are, make note at that very moment what went wrong, so you don't make the same mistake again.

2. Analyze, but it's clear that you properly calibrated! In this case, if she's not a virgin with a very conservative family or religion, then she has a very sick idea of playing and acting coy.. If she's the former, tell her "I understand, but i'm not interested in being friends.. (the "..." implies stacking something comfort-building into that!)".. if she's the latter, RUN! Yes, women like to feel desired, adored, like some highly valued prize, that needs to constantly be chased and won over, and needs to act coy, not easy, and "hard-to-get".. That's normal.. in "token" amounts.. but when it's overdone like in this hypothetical case, then we're looking at some major esteem issues.. In which case, just say "That's ok, i'll pass" and just leave.. let someone else deal with that, not you.. In either case, don't be affected (don't go quiet, submissive, shy, puppy-dog, or say sorry; even if you miscalibrated! Remember! She had all the time in the world to prevent this, if she failed to act, then you owe her no apology, she owes you one!)

3. (I Don't Suggest) Then there's Mike.. He is the typical unintentional caveman guy.. the poster child for the image of the clueless guy.. I've actually had the awkward pleasure of watching him miscalibrate.. What would he respond? "Haha! Wow, a big ego there for someone who was just getting a pity-kiss... It just looked like you were thinking about it the whole time, and I felt bad so I said why not, she's nice, but I guess now i'm the one left feeling awkward".. Now, if that answer of his wasn't funny enough, I have to find a good picture of him somewhere.. I think he's in the back row on my HS pj-picture.. big guy, kind of chubby.. to the right I believe.. And the sad part.. he would try again later and end up kissing.. out of sheer ego-recovery on their part..

But generally, not even something you should worry about.. If you honestly afford the two of you the chance to get lost in eachother, and build a genuine connection (i'm not talking games here).. then that calibration on your part is there automatically, and this kissing-issue is not something you should even bother to rationally worry about..

[Only-virgins]

Bitches are such sluts.

And sluts are such bitches.

[GrkScorp]

Okay GrkScorp, I decided I don't have time for this dating bullshit and I just want my mean ex-girlfriend back. Besides altering my cognitive frame so that I in actuality do NOT want her back, or publically dating a bunch of high value sluts, what can I do to get the bitch back?

Bitches are such sluts.

First of all.. that's like saying "homosexuals are gay"

Secondly, depending on how you broke things of, or what the exact situation is with you and your ex.. It would still make more sense, and take less time.. to just go out, and meet other people, who just so happen to be girls..

Altering your frame.. lol.. not going to work with your LTR-ex,

- Listen, honestly.. a part we all have, men and women.. is the ego.. if you know about cognitive frames, you know about the ego.. we all have it.. it's nice, warm and cozy in the front of our head.. the pre-frontal cortex.. It's such a powerful motivator for action that a new science of marketing aims at exploiting it "neuromarketing"

- Now, you can "call" girls "high value b*tches".. but in reality.. all they are, are mostly very nice & sweet girls who are just insecure about their value, and so put up a "mask, face, front, act" to try and overinflate their value to appear higher than anyone else's..

- Take a moment, and shift your understanding of the human brain to a very important region.. the amygdala.. Give it some thought.. what exactly does this mean in terms of competative advantage?

- The ego is a strong motivator, we all want the best for ourselves.. and to get that best, we may feel we have to be difficult.. it's a natural urge, and you'll see why.. but it's also a culturally programmed urge in girls.. against the weapon of choice by other women "oh, she's easy.. she's a slut, she's a wh0re".. so we then get to the urge for guys and girls, to both be "difficult"..

- The female, will be difficult via "resisting", while a male is difficult via "persisting".. They can both be equally as difficult, but what has taken people of 12,000 years ago to today? The amygdala.. and in short, emotions that slowly break down resistance, and allow the female to yield to persisting.. not too long ago, (just 4,000 years ago) the words "love, sex, and rape" ment the same thing.. that's right.. we were still transitioning from primative behavior to civilized behavior, but those primal urges never went away..

- That "high value b*tch".. may have her act up for the rest of the world to see.. but she's not fooling herself, she's not buying into her own crap.. She knows that she's artificially overinflated her value, and her insecurities are constantly eating her up inside.. But this won't stop her from trying to deny that reality.. she'll continue to resist.. and act "high value" via playing it "hard to get" & coy, something that in the 21st century, no longer implies high-value, but again, it's a media-driven ego-device.. And she will hiss at men trying to persist.. But there's a beautiful relationship among all of this.. she enjoys the feeling of being chased, being coy, temporarily enjoying that reality until it's taken away, until her resistance is no match for the man's persisting masculine nature that dominates, makes her feel safe, secure, protected, and allows her to yield and let go.. give in.. to those primal urges.. (but to admit this, is to admit that her "reality" is a fake, which she can't do.. that would blow up her act, both to the rest of the world, and to her)

- So, don't be the least put-off by so-called "high value" women.. because "high value" has little to do with looks, and nothing at all to do with being "b*tchy, snobby, cold, coy, acting hard-to-get".. Most of these girls, after they cut the act, are really sweet, nice, and some are great people.. But by in large, girls who don't put up the "high-value" act (I know this is going to sound cliche') are indeed usually the ones with the highest value, and truly amazing/magnetic people..

Now, if you don't want to bother, and just want your ex-gf back for some personal reason, let's know what the situation is exactly, how things were, how they ended, etc.. and we'll see what we should do..

[bohemiandonut]

Yeah **** bothering. Also I'm not really digging the bar vibe: fake blondes, fake tans, strappy shoes, etc. I like em less flourescent. Also I'm beginning to discover my personal shit-shooting style is a little too Dadaist for most broads.

Well we ended off on pretty lame terms; she broke it off the day I left for winter break. Damn it's been a while. Things weren't perfect between us mainly because
(A) She has been psychologically conditioned to see her character as simply an infallible extension of her baby doll face and
(B) The bizaare, masochistic lovehate we seemed to exchange on a daily basis.

But things weren't horrible really. Oh yeah did I mention I'm her first boyfriend and I - um, - I ****ed her first? So I guess I'm in that role... I'm just not sure of her impression of me at this point. Perhaps this crude paragraph will enlighten me. I suppose I did tell her that "No, I don't 'don't you just want to be friends' ", in fact "I think we should just avoid that whole 'hanging out thing' until we agree that what works best for us is to only speak post-orgasmically." In fact I was probably less pithy at the time but I effectively said the same thing.

But she's come back to me before. She sees me very often as we attend the same university. (Previous sentence was revised to sound more academic.) So she can't forget about me that easy, eh? Eh?

One more thing. I have held up no contact to a score of
Me: -1 (saw her on the street... no message)
Her: -4 ("merry christmas!" "happy new year!" "how was your first day?" "-no message-")

This message will self-destruct along with my GPA.

EDIT: So this is my 13,ooo post. Can I get an Omen!?

[misombra]

Okay GrkScorp, I decided I don't have time for this dating bullshit and I just want my mean ex-girlfriend back. Besides altering my cognitive frame so that I in actuality do NOT want her back, or publically dating a bunch of high value sluts, what can I do to get the bitch back?

you'll have to try to not be such a bitch.

[Gigabitch]

Why is this such a struggle for you, Donut Boy? Is there something wrong with wanting a girlfriend? I don't remember her as being mean. Perhaps you omitted some evidence back then.

[GrkScorp]

Well we ended off on pretty lame terms; she broke it off the day I left for winter break. Damn it's been a while. Things weren't perfect between us mainly because
(A) She has been psychologically conditioned to see her character as simply an infallible extension of her baby doll face and
(B) The bizaare, masochistic lovehate we seemed to exchange on a daily basis.

But she's come back to me before. She sees me very often as we attend the same university. (Previous sentence was revised to sound more academic.) So she can't forget about me that easy, eh? Eh?

One more thing. I have held up no contact to a score of
Me: -1 (saw her on the street... no message)
Her: -4 ("merry christmas!" "happy new year!" "how was your first day?" "-no message-")

With all of that in place.. I think you pumped up ego-princess after you de-virginized her.. and now she's walking around looking for someone more interesting and more of a challenge, because she got the feeling that "ok, he's not going anywhere, he adores me, I can make him do anything for me, boring".. (i'm not saying the feeling was accurate, just that she got that feeling)

Pretty face types, live in that kind of world..

- Disadvantages:

- You're single and not seeing other women, and she knows it (This works in your disfavor, not because you're single.. there's nothing wrong with that.. but for the fact that you're not seeing other women.. and if you want her back.. it makes her feel that "oh.. does he want me because i'm the only one he can get? ugh.. I don't think so.. not me.. I come at too high a price for someone desperate".. but start to be surrounded by HV sluts, and all of a sudden, if you see something in her.. it's because "he found something sOoOoOo special about me, and thinks i'm sOoOoOo special in relation to all those other girls.. ugh.. stupid sluts.." (yeah, I know)
- She broke things off with you
- You want her back more than she wants you back

- Advantages:

- You took away her virginity
- You're not maintaining contact

I think you know what you have to do.. Get surrounded by high-value sluts.. lol.. but i'm quite serious.. And this is why..

Right now, she feels.. I broke things off with him, anytime I want, I can have him back.. boring.. even worse is if you do anything that she can rationalize as "he's chasing me".. (trying to call, text, talk, e-mail, message even though she's not writing back)

So the problem exists in getting her attention (which she'll do a great job in pretending you're failing to get.. don't let the act throw you off).. that's what High Value Sluts are for.. dive in and surround yourself in them.. tell them strait-up.. "I think you're all really nice, but I just want all of you to know, I see you all as friends.. we're just friends.. ok? (they're going to say "ok")".. Let it be known.. or as the bad grammer of a classmate once mentioned:

Be it known that, BD be rollin' with da hottest HV sluts.. when guys need HV sluts, BD is where they turn to.. they're on to him like bees, and he's got the honey.. and any bee that's not onto him yet can see what's going on.. and she'll start flying his way..

Forget that she's your ex, delete that from memory.. gone.. "poof".. clear..., if you see her again.. she's "just a friend".. more likely the case, if you see one of her friends while she'll send to scout you.. express explicitly somewhere in the conversation "I don't know how she feels, but for me.. we're just friends".. either way.. she's going to get the urge to test you to see if you're interested in her or if she still has any control over you.. (if you are, if she does, you fail).. So, be beyond her control.. you have HV sluts, what on earth can she offer you now? You are socially "in-demand", who is she? Why are you still there talking to her? Tell her at that moment.. "look, I just want to tell you something.. and don't take this the wrong way (aka. "take this the wrong way") but me and you, we're just friends.. and I just want to be clear about that, ok?".. now continue to talk to her.. You've just subcomminicated that you have no interest in her, and she has no control over you.. make sure you have some event comming up.. "we're going out this weekend to ____" just let it hang.. it's not an invitation.. it's bait.. later on in the conversation.. try and notice if she tells you how she's doing NOTHING during the weekend, or how she's FREE this weekend.. or even lack of mentioning anything she's doing this weekend and trying to seem busy is enough of a green-light for you to say.. "Why don't you come with us this weekend? Unless you have anything better to do.." I love this sales-close.. It's a conscious mind over-load.. She's already thinking, "WHY don't I go? What are some reasons?" and she could easily pick some BS excuse and throw it your way.. but you've prevented that with "Unless you have anything BETTER to do".. no her parrot suffering from an existential crisis no longer qualifies as an excuse.. as she quickly searches for excuses in her mind, she realizes that none of her excuses really fit the bill.. even the "my aunt, my grandmother, I have a wedding to go to, etc" don't fit the bill.. but the clock is still ticking, split seconds, a second, second(S)! The feeling of awkwardness is creeping in.. she doesn't want to come off as dishonest, as a liar, as deliberately resisting and being coy.. so she agrees.. via.. "No, not really I guess.. lol".. then she may try to get out of it immediately with a "Call me and let me know... i'll think about it.. i'll let you know for sure on ___"... in which case, just smile to let her know that you know exactly what she's thinking, but you're keeping it to yourself to not make her feel like an idiot.. she'll want to recover from that feeling and prove you wrong.. she doesn't want to come off like a liar/hypocrite/dishonest person (not to you, but to HERSELF!, she doesn't want to FEEL that way).. but then you just walk away.. excuse yourself.. and end with "bye"..

- Never call
- Never chase

Until, she's clearly chasing.. You have to understand, when guys chase, it's personally humiliating, it's exhausting, and frustrating.. the more they do it.. the less attracted they get.. it kills attraction.. because guys are practical.. If he has to chase someone for 10 miles, but someone else for 2 miles.. even on the 6th mile, he's going to chase that 2mile girl.. practical.. that's male nature.. Thank you to the people who invented the remote, online-bill-paying, e-filing, etc.. practical..

Not female nature.. get her in the mode of chasing, seriously.. and there's an intoxicating rush she gets.. it's a surge of emotions.. hate towards you, unpredictability, mystery, hope, infatuation, love, lust, etc.. and the more she's taking this joy-ride.. the more attracted she becomes.. That's because, when she's currently chasing, it's impossible for her to rationalize "no, I don't like him".. that makes no sense.. SHE'S CHASING! Therefore, if it's not the case that "no, I don't like him".. she may not want to admit it to herself.. which only adds to the feelings and emotions.. but it's then the case that "yes, I DO like him".. and when you feel that she's started to cope with this reality, and accepted it.. that's when you can start rewarding with kisses and a relationship, and so on and so forth..

[bohemiandonut]

I have a ****ing back browser button right next to my left arrow key so this is the third time I'm writing this. Reader's digest version you know it.

Grk - Yes unfortunately you're right. After our first breakup, no contact worked and she started calling without leaving msgs. I told her to stop. One night she kept calling and I let a girl who was over (a roommate's friend who knew her was in town) answer my phone. Of course my ex immediately hung up and turned off her phone. Although I had the girl leave her a message explaining why she answered, it was clear what had happened. The jealousy and thus attraction barrier had been crossed. She no longer had a "choice." I went over later that night and she literally melted in my arms. It was perfect.

But it didn't last. I gave in too soon, just as attraction was building. I started showing up at her house too much and soon we were back to no contact... Which worked again, we got back together, split up again, and here I am.

Last time I had facebook going for me with all kinds of messages from babes that left her virtually insane with curiosity and jealousy. But I deleted that so now what does she have to go on... seeing me in some bar? I doubt it. I've just been trying to dress real nice whenever I'm out. Will that do it?

Giga - Are you serious? All I do is talk about how mean this girl is... I guess you could just call it self-centered? It's just the sort of imbalance that leaves one feeling used and angry.

FOR EXAMPLE:
I'm in my house, studying during the day so I can't really spend time with here, this is when she lived on my block. From my room I can hear her roommate asking my roommate if he wants to go get sushi. Can you see what's coming? Over the next 15 minutes I wait but get no invitation to dinner. I see my roommate leaving the house and my girlfriend waiting outside with all her roommates. I stand by my porch and look quizically at her. She just looks at me.
Eventually it clicks for her: "...Oh do you want to go get sushi?" - "Were you going to ask me?"
- "Oh I don't know"
- ::look sternly at her:: "Meet in the backyard..." (bitch)"

In the backyard I proceeded to ask her whether she was trying to be a bitch. I told her that she was doing to me what someone does to someone they are TRYING to make feel like shit. Obviously I would see her leave her house ACROSS the street and go to dinner with my roommate. She even said "I don't know maybe I wanted to go to dinner just with (people)" At that point I gave her a middle finger and went inside. Goddamn right she didn't go to dinner and went in her room to cry. Good.

That's merely an example of what to me is either unforgivably thoughtless or just plain mean behavior. She sure is nice when she's on the rag though. The problem is I am in love with EVERYTHING ELSE about her. Does that make sense? She is simply too pretty for me to get over. I just want to see her small face against my chest again, and feel her tiny teeth against my bicep, and kiss her bedtime poppy blossom eyes until



until I'm really in love.

[IndiReloaded]

FOR EXAMPLE:
I'm in my house, studying during the day so I can't really spend time with here, this is when she lived on my block. From my room I can hear her roommate asking my roommate if he wants to go get sushi. Can you see what's coming? Over the next 15 minutes I wait but get no invitation to dinner. I see my roommate leaving the house and my girlfriend waiting outside with all her roommates. I stand by my porch and look quizically at her. She just looks at me.
Eventually it clicks for her: "...Oh do you want to go get sushi?" - "Were you going to ask me?"
- "Oh I don't know"
- ::look sternly at her:: "Meet in the backyard..." (bitch)"

In the backyard I proceeded to ask her whether she was trying to be a bitch. I told her that she was doing to me what someone does to someone they are TRYING to make feel like shit. Obviously I would see her leave her house ACROSS the street and go to dinner with my roommate. She even said "I don't know maybe I wanted to go to dinner just with (people)" At that point I gave her a middle finger and went inside. Goddamn right she didn't go to dinner and went in her room to cry. Good.

That's merely an example of what to me is either unforgivably thoughtless or just plain mean behavior. She sure is nice when she's on the rag though. The problem is I am in love with EVERYTHING ELSE about her. Does that make sense? She is simply too pretty for me to get over. I just want to see her small face against my chest again, and feel her tiny teeth against my bicep, and kiss her bedtime poppy blossom eyes until



until I'm really in love.

BD, if that is the best example you have as to her general bitchyness, I'd have to say YOU have the problem.

You overheard a conversation about dinner & you WAITED for her to invite you? WTF? If you wanted to go, why didn't you just say you overheard about dinner & say you wanted to go. Testing her, were you?

I'm not saying it isn't messed up to ask your roomate to dinner w/o asking you (this is another guy, yes?) but I doubt the context is what you say it was. Were you arguing with her, perchance, before this exchange happened?

If yes, she probably just thought you wanted to be left alone. If no, then ya I'd have to say that was pretty cold on her part.

Never attribute to malice that which is more easily explained by stupidity (or fear).

[bohemiandonut]

Whether it was Malice, Stupidity, OR Fear it's still something that I would never have done to her.

[GrkScorp]

BD,

You're in fcukn' San Diego, California.. home to more beautiful women than any other city in the whole United States..

1. San Diego, CA
2. New York, NY
3. Los Angeles, CA
4. Miami, FL
5. San Antonio, TX

Seriously.. please, rationalize this to me.. becaues I think I may be missing some element(s) of your story..

If all you're attracted to, was her pretty baby-face.. then why can't you just go out and find some other pretty baby-face?

Was there something more about her? Besides her face, and the time you spend with eachother?

[bohemiandonut]

Haha alright fine I give up I guess I'm just lazy.