Surrender to Fate?

[CAM]

So, I'm 39 years old. Recently, I signed up for an on-line dating service. Emailed several women and several responded. Those in their late 20's and 30's had only one question: why aren't you married yet? It wasn't an exlamatory, "Why are you married, great guy?!" It was more along the lines of suspicion.

So, at this point am I boxed in, if you will? I let the window of opportunity slip by and women are saying "Too late for you, buddy!"
I'd like to hear an interpretation of this because obviously if that's the answer (my guess above), then I'll settle for returning to work and just let the rest of life slip by unnoticed.

[bluesummer]

It could be a little of both, honestly.

For instance, my friend's friend is about 38 or 39, very successful, ridiculously good looking, and the nicest, funniest guy you can imagine. Pretty much the perfect man. He's also been single the entire time I've known him. It doesn't seem right, if you know what I mean. Apparently, women assume he's gay all the time, because he's got so much going for him and hasn't been snapped up yet. It just doesn't seem humanly possible.

In his case, he's just been too busy with his career to settle down and meet someone. What reason do you give, just out of curiosity? It's not too late for you. But it's going to be a question that naturally comes up, given the circumstances. Don't take it personally....just answer honestly. Do you know how many times I've had to explain WHY I'm divorced? It gets old, but when people are seeking out their potential mate, they want to make sure right off the bat that things are not completely whacko. Like that you're not gay, or have been in prison, or have some other deep moral flaw that would not make you relationship material.

[Junket]

Well, if you're trying to change the reason(s) you've been single, there's no harm in letting them know, is it?

If work has been the deterrent, I would assume you would know this and are looking to change it so you can have a healthy relationship.

[misombra]

those women would be suspicious anyway.

if you were divorced, they'd be suspicious of that too.

[DoesntMatter]

It's too bad you can't be completely honest and just say "I don't know, maybe YOU can tell ME"

[CAM]

Good points. Thanks. It is sort of Catch-22...damned if I did. damned if I didn't

I'm honest and say that my profession kept me very busy and the time flew by. The expression on their face, however, is quizzical...as if to say, "You are a workaholic. Not interested!"

But, I think Mis is correct...with some women (apparently alot of women) I am unable to connect for reasons not related to me, but simply their nature and predisposition.

[bloodtippedrose]

Be yourself and say "I just havent found that right one yet.." its true and kinda sweet

[Gigabitch]

I think you're doing what I wish everyone would do, CAM, which is wait until they're ready and be particular about who you choose when the time comes.

I think your answer should be "I take commitment very seriously, and I'm not going to settle for just anyone." The right woman will rise to that challenge. The wrong woman will call you an ass and take herself out of your way.

[bluesummer]

I think your answer should be "I take commitment very seriously, and I'm not going to settle for just anyone." The right woman will rise to that challenge. The wrong woman will call you an ass and take herself out of your way.

This is perfect. Good job as usual, Giga.

[DoesntMatter]

I think you're doing what I wish everyone would do, CAM, which is wait until they're ready and be particular about who you choose when the time comes.

I think your answer should be "I take commitment very seriously, and I'm not going to settle for just anyone." The right woman will rise to that challenge. The wrong woman will call you an ass and take herself out of your way.

Come on Giga, ideologically this sounds good, as it does on paper, but in reality that won't cut it. Women will still question him and probably think less of him based strictly on the fact he hasn't married yet

[Gigabitch]

My guy is 37 and has never been married. I'm okay with this. He spent ten years completely immersed in his career and then a few more years just getting his life ready to share with someone. He's probably a lot like CAM, actually. Fussy.

[CAM]

I think you're doing what I wish everyone would do, CAM, which is wait until they're ready and be particular about who you choose when the time comes.

I think your answer should be "I take commitment very seriously, and I'm not going to settle for just anyone." The right woman will rise to that challenge. The wrong woman will call you an ass and take herself out of your way.

What you say is very true. Just seems like I run into a lot of "wrong women." Most of the time, my eyes are shut, I think. Today, for instance, I walk into Long's Drugstore and the woman at the film processing center is really nice and sweet, makes it a point of striking up a conversation. It took me off guard. A few words went back and forth but that was it. I walked out later saying, "Hmm...you are never ready when nice things happen, Cam"

My dad said that once...he said that I would likely pursue the wrong women and miss out on the good women. He indicated it was my fatal flaw...because I'm not good at dealing with female ways...mom is more or less a tom-boy, so she doesn't play coy and she speaks her mind.

[squirrley]

I think today most women flag men who arent married by their 30's. When I met my husband he was 35, and it triggered something in me too. But I NEVER said anything nor did I want it to decide if I would date him or not. Its not necessarily a bad thing, I think its a good thing. Because people are such in a hurry to get married and do the white picket fence that theyre not taking the time to find themselves. Do the things they want to do with their own life first, etc.

I dont know if theres really an answer, its going to come up no matter what, I think if youre just honest and say you werent ready and leave it at that, it shouldnt deter anyone. It should be a plus to a single person. I would be more concerned with someone whose been married and divorced a few times than someone who hasnt.

Cam, dont let that fact in your life discourage you from still pursuing a relationship. The fact is, the right person will come along and appreciate the fact you've been single. I sure as hell appreciated it with my husband. I was 36 when I got engaged for the first time. He NEVER questioned why I was still single, but he certainly made every effort to take me off of the market! I CHOSE to stay single most of my late 20's and early 30's. I didnt want to deal with the stress of a relationship and mostly was just finding myself and making sure I was happy with myself and my life before getting seriously involved with someone.

[Gigabitch]

Okay, at the risk of sounding like an elitist asshole, how old was this woman working the film counter at Long's? Either she's just starting out in life and has to work a blah job because she has no experience, in which case she's too young for you, or she's actually old enough for you and she works at Longs. Longs, dude.

You know what, CAM? You have a wonderful opportunity right now to meet intelligent women. You should involve yourself somehow in this exciting political race that's going on. You can volunteer to sit at the library and register people to vote. You can work at the polling place. Something. I know you've got this idea in your head about how your "little woman" will be an old-fashioned girl and doesn't have to be "overeducated", but I believe you should rethink that.

Old fashioned girls don't really exist in the modern world. They may appear to have all the qualities a fine woman would have had 50 years ago, but in today's world, the kind of woman who just wants to stay home and have babies is, well... let's call her rare. We won't use hurtful words like "mental" and "slacker".

This is not to say that it will be impossible to find a woman who will stay home with the kids, even for years, but I think any woman you would actually want has a place in the outside world that she'll be happy to go back to once the kids are off to school.

CAM, you just don't belong with the nice underachiever from the film counter. Stop wasting time. Pursue someone who actually has a chance of piquing your interest.

[IndiReloaded]

I think your answer should be "I take commitment very seriously, and I'm not going to settle for just anyone." The right woman will rise to that challenge. The wrong woman will call you an ass and take herself out of your way.

This^.

And what the hell, Cam? A perfect stranger would ask you that? Use it as a weeding tool. Tell them you're offended by the question so soon & see if they know how to apologize.

Good for you for doing this, BTW. A friend of mine got married to a fellow she met online. Hope it goes as well for you.