Does this constitute abuse? In need of advice...

[Memories&Dust]

Hi there,

Firstly, apologies for being new, but I'm very confused and could use some advice...

On Friday night I managed to upset my gf because I was being a bit grumpy about her not kissing me. We were both a bit drunk and our relationship has recently been turbulent, and she completely flipped out on me. It's a little bit of a blur, but basically she grabbed hold of my wrists to restrain me whilst she screamed at me, telling me I need to grow up and I was a stupid b*tch.

It really shocked me, I've seen her lose it with the furniture, but never with me. I kept telling her to let me go, and eventually I think she realised she had gone way too far and although I wanted to leave she wouldn't let me, saying she was just frustrated with the distance between us. She also accused me of setting the whole thing up, and seeing someone else (neither of which are true), and then she sort of switched into telling me how much she loved me.

I eventually got her to let me go to sleep in the spare room, and she stayed up all night fearing I would leave. She left a note under the door asking for my forgiveness and saying she has never loved anyone the way she loves me. And in the morning she looked so broken I felt like I couldn't leave her, so I stayed the weekend and just kept an eye on her mood and the situation, and left on good terms on the monday (which was my birthday).

I feel very confused by the situation, I know she is having an incredible hard time with life, her career, her sexuality, but I feel like a line has been crossed, I know that I have an acrimonious tongue, but I would never ever turn my frustrations onto someone like that. I'm frightened that if I stay with her, it may esculate, but if I leave her I will have abandoned her just like everyone else in her life.

Is this behaviour acceptable? Any thoughts/advice would be much appreciated...

[bloodtippedrose]

She sounds crazy. Im sure shes a good person and everything but youre making excuses for her. She seems to have a really insecure nature and violence against people or furniture is pointless and immature. Her accusations scream that she doesnt trust you, even if she says and believes she does. You cant let her treat you like that and think sorry is going to make everything better because it wont. Shes going to continue to snap at you then apologize time after time. She snapped this time because you were asking her to show a bit more affection? There is nothing wrong with asking for that and certainly nothing to get pissed about! Dont let anyone treat you like that -_- She cant just say 'Im sorry,' she has to show it by changing, otherwise you should have the respect for yourself to leave her

My ex boyfriend and I dated for two years. He started acting funny during the last few months we were together, he would accuse me of looking at other people and he became insecure with how he looked to other people and he would get in fights with me over strange little things, then he cheated on me. It sounds like a similar path that your girl is heading down. Dont let it get that far if she continues to behave that way.

[vashti]

I'm not sure what you did to spark this outburst, but I don't buy that it was entirely her fault.

You ask if holding your wrists while yelling at you is "abuse", and strictly speaking, I'd say no, although I am sure it made you feel uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is not "abuse" in my book.

[Memories&Dust]

Hi,

Thanks for your replies, she is prone to outbursts, and that can make it very difficult to talk to her.

In reply to Vashti - I think it was building up. The night before she had accused me of having someone else in the background, which I found slightly hurtful as I have put my heart and soul into the relationship. I told her I wasn't sure we should spend the weekend together if she did indeed think that because we clearly have a trust issue. However, she got upset so I promised to go and see her, suggesting that I just had some reservations...

Immediately prior to the outburst she had refused to kiss me... So then I'd jokingly said "okay, you've got 5 seconds to kiss me before you leave the room..." I counted down and she didn't so I laughed and said "ah you've lost your chance now..." She was being stubborn with me, she always has to be in control. It kinda made me grumpy cause i'd traveled 3 hours to see her, but admittedly I shouldn't have been moody about it... I said that what was making me grumpy when she asked if something was wrong, and that's when everything kicked off, she just sort of blew up...

I had tried to call my best friend, but she managed to get my phone off me and throw it across the room. She also threatened to cut her wrists if I left... I told her not to emotionally blackmail me. Then she threatened to throw me out and not allow me to get any of my stuff... It was all a bit messed up... And it's all very confusing.

M&D

[vashti]

I'm not sure that joking around about getting kissed when she is thinking you are seeing someone else was the smartest move ever, but it sounds like she has some other issues. Before it escalates into abuse, I would probably end this. (Don't be manipulated the the suicide threats; if you are concerned she might really do it, call her mother or her best friend, and tell them what she said.)

[Gigabitch]

It's not abuse, but it is a huge pain in the ass. Has she always been this volatile?

[Michael6084]

according to some types of abuse, this could be classified as abuse for men, even though this isn't the abuse as we think of as "hitting, scratching, etc."

i would say that seeing this happening from furniture to you is a BIG warning sign. i once did a speech for a college class on making more men's rights aware in the public, such as abuse and more fair divorce rights, but something i found eye-opening was a site called [url]www.batteredmen.com/batabuse.htm[/url]. So I would definitely keep my eyes open if I were you and check out that site.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think this poster is a guy.

[vashti]

according to some types of abuse, this could be classified as abuse for men, even though this isn't the abuse as we think of as "hitting, scratching, etc.".

I agree that according to the most liberal definitions of abuse, this might qualify, but because I have seen many examples of the more conservative definition, this doesn't qualify. Not even close.

Annoying, though... with a real potential for escalation.

Edit: you know, giga... you may be correct. It didnt occur to me before.

[Michael6084]

I don't think this poster is a guy.

Oh dang. I thought maybe his/her GF called him a "bitch" to mock his manhood.

[Memories&Dust]

I am, in fact, a girl... It's a Bi-sexual relationship... Sorry I forgot to explain that... She 10 years older than me, she cannot cope with having feelings for women, and in 15 months has been unable to tell hardly anyone about me. I am a big secret.

Sorry for the confusion.

[Junket]

I'd consider minor abuse whether it was guy or girl.

Think about it, if a woman came in here saying her boyfriend was gripping her wrists while yelling at her?

I could already see the females here taking up arms.

[vashti]

I don't think so. I think I would say it has the potential to escalate to abuse.

[Mish]

I feel very confused by the situation, I know she is having an incredible hard time with life, her career, her sexuality, but I feel like a line has been crossed, I know that I have an acrimonious tongue, but I would never ever turn my frustrations onto someone like that. I'm frightened that if I stay with her, it may esculate, but if I leave her I will have abandoned her just like everyone else in her life.

Is this behaviour acceptable? Any thoughts/advice would be much appreciated...

She sounds irritable and impulsive. From what you described of her, especially the part that everyone has abandoned her (due to her chaotic relationships with others?) I even wonder if she's not Borderline [url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder[/url]

You've suggested that you have a choice which has two negatives 1. If you stay in this relationship this type of behaviour will probably escalate and you will need to find ways to handle this in a positive and empathic manner 2. You can leave and live with guilt of leaving somebody in need of help and someone you love. Neither choice will be easy for you, but ultimately you will need to pick one and the direction you will travel with this.

Personally I think this behaviour is as acceptable as you will allow it to be. Is it acceptable to you? Could you accept somebody who loves you act in this way? (Even if it's through a medical condition)

[bloodtippedrose]

I am, in fact, a girl... It's a Bi-sexual relationship... Sorry I forgot to explain that... She 10 years older than me, she cannot cope with having feelings for women, and in 15 months has been unable to tell hardly anyone about me. I am a big secret.

Sorry for the confusion.

Retarded -_- youre being used girly. NO relationship should be a secret. And suicide threats? Shes suppose to be way older and mature! If people truly want to kill themselves then nothing will stop them from doing so, people will prolong it from happening but nothing will stop it. Sounds like shes just being a whiny bitchy attention whore. She is NOT worth the gas or the time it takes to go see her. She should try to make your night special and avoid fighting by all costs not feed into it. I suggest you cut yourself off from this girl, there are plenty of other girls out there that are your age that would want to share you with the world, not keep you a secret and manipulate you.

btw i knew you were a girl right away no offense but you would sound like a really gay guy if you were