Male Ego and Insecurity

[IndiReloaded]

But he hasn't corssed the line? If she does have a talk with him at this stage he might interpret it as her lack of trust for him and Giga's own paranoia talking.

Mish, the point is there's an issue. And sorry, but I disagree with your 'line' statement. If I see someone I care about engaging in behaviour that looks like its on a trajectory to something bad, I'm going to tell them. Not wait until they actually DO the thing that is going to cause trouble. That's just stupid. Haven't you heard the phrase 'nip it in the bud'?

Besides, this isn't paranoia on Giga's part; if it is, then I must be paranoid also (and I don't tend to it, pretty sure about that) b/c I too think something doesn't smell right in the state of CaliBoy, based on what Giga has said. It may be that Giga is aware of a history that is making her extra sensitive to some of his behaviour, but not without good cause.

Hope you have a good talk this weekend, Giga, and it all works out.

[Mish]

Mish, the point is there's an issue. And sorry, but I disagree with your 'line' statement. If I see someone I care about engaging in behaviour that looks like its on a trajectory to something bad, I'm going to tell them. Not wait until they actually DO the thing that is going to cause trouble. That's just stupid. Haven't you heard the phrase 'nip it in the bud'?

Besides, this isn't paranoia on Giga's part; if it is, then I must be paranoid also (and I don't tend to it, pretty sure about that) b/c I too think something doesn't smell right in the state of CaliBoy, based on what Giga has said. It may be that Giga is aware of a history that is making her extra sensitive to some of his behaviour, but not without good cause.

That's all good and well, but how do you change someone's entire personality based on this issue? Say, someone is blind and you see that as an issue for them as they might walk into the traffic, how will you change their blindness pointing out the issue?

So what can Giga do? She can continue nagging him, reminding him how she doesnt like to see him giving extra attention to women. She can even try threatening him or hurting him, but in the end how is this going to make things better for her? It will only push them further apart.

Also, I don't know to what extent he gives other women more attention than her. I can only compare it to a relationship with one of my exs. I remember seeing some similar patterns (only ours was more extreme from her end) and it can come of as being paranoid if it's in the realm I'm picturing.

[Gigabitch]

I swear to you, this isn't just a jealousy thing. I see it as a character flaw in him, and that isn't necessarily a big deal if he can keep it under control. I'm really not all that threatened by other women, generally.

Long story short, he seeks validation from strangers, from anywhere, really. While this sometimes works to my advantage, as he is eager to please me as well, I think it could spell trouble for me in the future.

Remember, Mish, he DID cheat on someone once in the past, and cited the fact that she wasn't paying enough attention to him as the reason.

giga, have you brought this up to him yet?

No- I've been dealing with more pressing issues with him. This is lurking, though. Eventually, it will rear it's ugly head.

[IndiReloaded]

That's all good and well, but how do you change someone's entire personality based on this issue? Say, someone is blind and you see that as an issue for them as they might walk into the traffic, how will you change their blindness pointing out the issue?

Well, this is the gazillion dollar question, isn't it? Hell, if I knew the answer, I'd be writing the book, not posting here (& my lunch is almost up...)

The standard answer is: you can't. He has to want to change. If he doesn't, then Giga has to.

I actually happen to think the latter path is actually the easier one. That Giga just ignores his stupid behaviour. I think you already suggested this Mish. But it depends whether his antics are a dealbreaker for her or not. Only she knows that. This feels like full-circle on the subject, somehow...

[Mish]

Remember, Mish, he DID cheat on someone once in the past, and cited the fact that she wasn't paying enough attention to him as the reason.

I know what you mean Giga. Remember my biting retard ex I told you about? She cheated on her ex as well and never felt any type of regret for it. Because of that I couldn't trust her even though she never cheated on me. To make long story short because of my trust issue we split up, but I know that it was my trust issue was the reason not hers. It was me being paranoid (even if for a good reason).

I swear to you, this isn't just a jealousy thing. I see it as a character flaw in him, and that isn't necessarily a big deal if he can keep it under control. I'm really not all that threatened by other women, generally.

Well, everyone has flaws. How big of a flaw is this to you? Knowing that you won't be able to change him how will you be able to cope with this flaw? Do you have flaws that he copes with as well? What do you think about formal acceptance of each other's flaws?

[Gigabitch]

Well we ARE full circle now. Acceptance of this flaw is dependent upon my ability to believe that it isn't a sure sign that he will eventually cheat.

If he continues to be flirty, I will continue to be annoyed, but if he cheats, I will be single. I'd rather know now, before I do anything... binding.

[IndiReloaded]

I'd rather know now, before I do anything... binding.

Ugh, can't say I wouldn't also be worried. On the other hand, nothing is guaranteed. So many partners of cheaters never saw it coming. Some of them must've ignored the signs, but some at least were blindsided I'm sure.

Have you read that book 'Blink'. Its pretty awful writing, but the idea of 'decision making by gut instinct' is very interesting (in other words, just finding the wiki summary will do). What does your gut tell you? Go with that, b/c in this case I'm certain *you know*, you know?

[Gigabitch]

I'm blinded by love and my wits are addled by sex hormones. My gut tells me to lick him.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm blinded by love and my wits are addled by sex hormones. My gut tells me to lick him.

When you think of the ISSUE, Giga, lol. There has to be some frontal lobe input on the issue, I think. Ha.

Or did you mean to beat him? Could work.

[Junket]

I cheated on my girlfriend in my dream.

[Mish]

Well we ARE full circle now. Acceptance of this flaw is dependent upon my ability to believe that it isn't a sure sign that he will eventually cheat.

If he continues to be flirty, I will continue to be annoyed, but if he cheats, I will be single. I'd rather know now, before I do anything... binding.

What if he continues to be flirty but never cheats? Will you continue to be annoyed and not accpeting of his flaw because of belief that this is a sure sign?

If yes, you won't be able to do anything binding with him.

[IndiReloaded]

I cheated on my girlfriend in my dream.

Well, in that case I too am a cheating biatch, many times over. Nope, thoughts don't get Evil Credits, only acts of will I'm afraid.

[IndiReloaded]

What if he continues to be flirty but never cheats? Will you continue to be annoyed and not accpeting of his flaw because of belief that this is a sure sign?

If yes, you won't be able to do anything binding with him.

Only if its a deal breaker, Mish. I'm open to correction here, but personally lots of stuff annoys me that I don't accept & we know are 'working issues'. I just ignore it until it goes away for the most part or try to work around it. Occasionally we have a few whacks at the issue if feeling energetic, but that gets counterproductive after a while.

Is excessive flirtiness (tho not cheating) a deal breaker, Gig?

[anachronistic]

In my dreams, I always step on something sticky.

**** you guys!

[bohemiandonut]

I cheated on my girlfriend in my dream.

Oh noes Frasbee! What's little Amy gonna do when she finds out you've been having fantasies about sleeping with - er... sleeping next to other women!?

Have you read that book 'Blink'. Its pretty awful writing, but the idea of 'decision making by gut instinct' is very interesting (in other words, just finding the wiki summary will do). What does your gut tell you? Go with that, b/c in this case I'm certain *you know*, you know?

Interesting... While I'm a fan of intuition, I'm not sure it's always best to "go with that" in relationships. I think we can draw an analog here to drug addiction... not always best to go with the gut that's craving more booze is it?