Trying to right my evil ways

[mrman]

I lied to my girlfriend and everyone around me about my level of education by saying that I graduated university when in fact I had actually left. I kept up that lie for three years. Within the first year of the lie I began dating a woman. I kept the lie up until just recently (thus a three year lie). Nobody else knew the truth as to my situation. She is rightfully hurt that I lied to her and says that it has inadvertently affected the plans she had for our lives. I moved down to live with her while in the lie and we've been in the same apartment for 4 months now and the lie has only come to light in the last month, maybe two. So she's angry about that.

The stress that this has caused on our relationship is something I've never felt before. She gets angry at me for all sorts of little things now, as is her right, and it's led to a great deal of bickering and even fighting. Twice now, the first in the history of my life and hopefully ever, it's gotten to the point where I've essentially manhandled her and vice versa (of course not to the same degree as she's about half my size). I'm ashamed to even write it let alone talk about it to people in real life. As all pieces of garbage, I was initially shocked that I was even capable of doing such a thing to the woman with whom I felt I belonged, but here it is now. The last blast like that was about a month ago, maybe more, and the time before that was perhaps mere weeks. We'd already been living together for some 3 months before that started. It has not happened since and I make every concerted effort to TALK about our feelings and issues we have before a fight develops (just like I'd always done before this started).

She tells me she loves me and wants to be with me, she's suggested that it might be better if I move out while we try and work things out. I know for a fact she's told her close friends about what's happened. She went out on a date recently with a coworker. I still live in the same apartment with her.

Here is my dilemma...I don't want her to be known amongst her friends as "the one with the boyfriend who hurts her physically or mentally" nor do I want to hold her back from any possible relationships she may have lined up. She tells me that she still loves me and she wants things to work out but she is confused. I know, in my heart, that if I were to move out that it would be the end of us as she's already been on one date and I don't think the stress and jealousy that comes with a post-break would help the situation any. Am I hanging on to something that's died? I've signed up for counseling on her request and partly my own volition. I've put myself back in school to finish up my degree and make something of my life. I'm still under 30 a few more years so I know there's lots of hope in my life and for my own future but in the immediate I am stressed, upset, and my life is disrupted by our faulty relationship. I know that the "fixes" are simple: Stop lying, stop fighting physically, and make something of myself. While I say I'm doing them partly for her I know deep down that if I don't do these things for myself then I'll never have a normal relationship ever.

Thus I'm at a big, obvious crossroad. I want to be with her, not just out of comfort but because what we had pre-this situation was wonderful. Granted I wasn't the man she thought I was (as far as education and honesty goes), I know it's in me. Being honest isn't hard once all the lies are out. The education I'm fixing. That would lead me to believe that I can get back to my good, happy, caring self when all is said and done. Is it worth it to try and make she and I work while I've got all this other stuff on my plate or am I completely delusional like the other scumbags who have put women through these kinds of situations?

I'm done being a bad person. Good guys never finish last.

[Gigabitch]

I want to smack you for "manhandling" her, whatever the **** that means.

So you lied and you roughed her up. I think that's not something you can come back from, sadly.

If you want to change, then change. If you want a clean slate, you have to start over with someone else.

I find your statement about not wanting to get in the way of her other relationships bizarre. Can you elaborate on that, please?

[DoesntMatter]

Wow. You're going to hell

[mrman]

I'm not looking for a clean slate by any stretch...assuming that it were even possible to rectify the situation I wouldn't want her to simply forget the terrible things I've done. In fact I don't want her to forget what I've done regardless of what happens with us since, if she does, odds are pretty high in my books someone else will do it and she'll let it happen.

I want to beat myself over the head about the way we've fought as well. There's no excuse to hit another person except in self defense which, sadly, I can't admit I was doing. It's not a difficult thing to stop in theory...just don't do it...but the situation hasn't arisen in any serious form where either of us have been remotely that angry in a while. Cliché as it may be, I have seeked counseling to help me with anger management. Over time, if we stay together and I continue my sessions, I'd like for her to come with me for relationship counseling. I don't think she'll be too keen on the idea but I've got nothing else to do but try (should it even last).

As per the whole "not wanting to stand in the way of other relationships she might have", I suppose that's more of a moral stance than anything. I clearly don't want her to go out and be with someone else or I'd have just left out relationship willingly. I'm sure there's emotional attachment between us (as is normal at any crossroad in a relationship), but I'm unsure as to whether it would be enough to work off us and try and rebuild some sort of foundation. I don't think it would be fair if she is not into a relationship with me but here I am still fighting for something that isn't there and she ends up missing out on some great chance at happiness. On one hand I don't want her to be happy without me because I don't feel happy without her (my own doing, I know), but at the same time I know that I'm no better than the ***head that did these things and will never become a better person if I don't wish her well and see her off being happy. I have to accept the fact that I'm not the ONLY person on Earth that can make her happy...and at the moment it really hurts and isn't what I want to hear, but it's the truth.

I will be talking to her in 2.5 hours when she comes home from work (my day off today) about this all, I was just looking for insight into the opinions of others. She once mentioned a mediator in a conversation between us which I completely dismissed. Now I wish I'd have agreed because I think it would have made a world of difference. Counseling, to me, is the closest I can offer. At least it's a professional.

At any rate, I messed up huge and I know you can only judge me on what I've written here, but I'd like to make the one point, if I may, that beyond all the crap I've ever done wrong in my life this is the first time I've ever been accountable for it. I'm making a REAL effort to better myself. I hope that some sort of emotion at least comes through in what I'm writing...if not then judge me how you will.

[Gigabitch]

I find it very difficult not to judge, but I'm trying, I really am.

I have a very low tolerance for abusive males and find it almost impossible to respect any woman that will take one back. I think if you get to the point where she's willing to forgive you, that will be the time to hear the alarm bells go off and take her to counseling with you, because that is really unhealthy.

I applaud you for acknowledging that this is wrong. Most guys wouldn't. They either fall into one category or another: those that manhandle and those that never would. You appear to be straddling the line.

I truly believe that you can change this. Acting out aggressively really isn't all that complicated, and should be easily fixed with some sincere effort and a counselor who knows what their doing.

[mrman]

What bothers me is that I think you're right that most men wouldn't acknowledge it's wrong. I tried for a few days to justify my actions by twisting and turning the story around in my head so that I was acting out in the only possible last ditch effort...roughing up my girlfriend was the only way to end the situation. Well clearly not and let that be a lesson to me.

I have no respect for people in my situation either and I think that's why I've gone to the measure of seeking professional help. I'm glad that communities like this exist because I do feel a bit more sure that I'm doing the right thing for myself by getting responses.

While my situation isn't admirable in any way, shape, or form, I do hope I can participate in the forum in a constructive manner. I'm not a bad person, I just made a few terrible decisions.



**also, excellent point about grabbing her out for counseling as well. I'd never considered that before. Cross that bridge if my path takes us there.

[Gigabitch]

I'm not a bad person, I just made a few terrible decisions.

Haven't we all, if we're honest? I've never roughed anyone up, but I've done mean things before that I totally regret; things that have caused me to examine myself in a way that was difficult and uncomfortable, so I feel your pain to some degree.

I think it takes a big person to take responsibility for something as odious as pushing your girlfriend around. Now just follow through, figure out why you did this and make damned sure it never happens again.

[mrman]

We just broke up. I'm very upset but I imagine it's for the best for both our sakes.

I'm bordering on comfort and complete and utter loneliness. I suppose it's a bit normal.

At any rate, thanks for the quick talk. I'm sure in the end I'll be fine but for the moment I'm a guilt-ridden train wreck.

Any advice for the post-broken-up anyone?

[Kromat]

I always thought that honesty in a long term would be a lot more helpful, but people say that it's easier to lie, but the outcome is always so much worse, that It's harder to change what you have caused.
I have been honest with people, and I'm not gonna take any shortcuts lying, just to satisfy my sexual well being.
I want it to be comfortable for the two of us and let it come naturally when the time is right.

P.S. sorry " mrman " that you had to go through that, but maybe you'll be more honest nice time, good luck in 2008 and a fresh start to a new year.

[IndiReloaded]

The Past is a land that noone can revisit. Guilt is likewise overrated.

All you can do is take what you've learned and apply it better in future. Same as the rest of us.

FWIW, she was in no way forgiving you for what happened, so its probably best that the break happened sooner rather than later. There's a lot of ppl out there who would drag things out till the better end and beyond to everyone's unfortunate, and extended, agony. Be glad that wasn't your case. Good luck next time.

[GrkScorp]

OK. First of all, I think you have a right to know, that my first girlfriend dated a guy like you.. and then cheated on me to go back to that guy.. untile SHE realized what a mistake she did, and left him.. so i'm actually not too fond of men who treat women like that.. It's one thing to put your foot down in a relationship and be the man, but it's a totally different thing to put your hand up and become the @sshole..

But, i've already had 2 years of training in putting my personal views and biases aside and looking at the facts objectively.. so i'll try my best here to give you unbiased advice..

The first thing i'm going to tell you is.. leave her alone, and let her be.. When a man hits a woman, the woman feels physical pain, a pain that will leave some bruises that will heal in time.. but when HER man hits her, the physical pain is almost non-existant (like a dot on the map) in the face of the emotional pain she feels.. I know, because I have very close friends who have been in abusive relationships; and when I saw their bf's i've kicked their @ss, and they jumped in the way to stop me.. because a loyal loving woman can't part that fast emotionally, and by "manhandling" her, you have instantly and suddenly taken the ground from under her.. in a second, you have stripped her of all sense of trust, love, warmth, security, and safety she felt with you.. the man she felt that for has now punished her.. and had to result to getting physical.. so her female psyche' immediately searches for what SHE has done wrong.. she doesn't want to accept the image of you as a monster.. but that's what has taken place.. and these are bruises that won't heal..

The second and last piece of advice I will offer is a solution to the problem.. The only way to "fix" it, is realize that this is a manifestation of insecurity.. YES, that's what violence is.. humans are NOT violent creatures. Violence is a animal behavior, exclusively, and takes place when there exists fear. Similarly, this is what takes place with people, and that is what insecurity is, "fear". I'm not here to insult you, i'm here to help you, so try your best to listen. Insecurity is natural; EVERYONE is insecure, but some people choose to conquer this inhibiting limitation, others find inefficient excuses which are nothing more than "easy" solutions to the problem. This is what "violence" is, amung many others. So then, what is the "right" long-term solution?

Once you realize that insecurity is a form of "fear".. you must then take the second step and ask yourself.. "fear from what?" Insecurity is "fear of the unknown". Insecure people are NOT people who are not content with themselves, rather, they are people who do not know/understand themselves. They live in "fear" of not knowing their identity, their goals, or their positive qualities/talents/skills they have to contribute to society and offer the world.

So what I want you to do is:

1. Forget about her, and leave her alone, apologize if you want, but then move on and let her be.
2. Get a pen and some paper.
3. Write down (3) of your strongest qualities as a person.
4. Write down (3) of your strongest qualities in your personality.
5. Write down (3) things you are skilled/talented in.
6. Write down (5) goals you have for yourself by the end of 1 week from now, 1 month from now, 1 year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now.
7. Write down a plan to achieve those goals.
8. Now, look at what you've wrote down and ask yourself, "If someone just met me and asked me, who are you? what do you want to do with your life?" what would I tell them? do I know what to tell them?
9. Do this every weekend (when you have time).
10. When talking to people, know who you are, feel the change in yourself after you do this for 1-2 weeks, how much more "in control" of your life you feel, and to what degree you "understand/know" yourself better than before.
11. Understand this: "this thing we call failure is not the act of falling, rather, it is the lack of willingness to get back up", that is the attitude you should have towards mistakes and bad-times in life.. think back on them, and LEARN from them, don't sulk.

That's all I have to say, I hope this doesn't fall on deft ears or blind eyes..

[mrman]

Thanks for all the responses...I didn't expect any given the situation beyond some deserved flaming and maybe a few threats. The situation is now this...we're officially done but still live together. It might take me a few weeks to get out of the house as I've only just moved to the city the last few months and am not yet secure. Something I neglected to mention in the original post is that she just recently went out with a new friend from work who she revealed to me last night she is "playing the field" with. So now I've made my bed and am laying in it. Granted I'm in no situation to be asking for support given my previous actions, would anyone have any advice so as to not become a jealous ex-boyfriend as I'm currently living in the same apartment and am exposed to the constant "ding" of text messages arriving on her phone? I said earlier I didn't want to hold her back from happiness but regardless what I've done in the past it's absolute torture for me now. The irony is unbelievably thick...

[Chlorine]

The situation is now this...we're officially done but still live together. It might take me a few weeks to get out of the house as I've only just moved to the city the last few months and am not yet secure. ....... but regardless what I've done in the past it's absolute torture for me now.

Mrman--------Not yet secure? What's that got to do with this. If you're done, you're done. Pack your clothes and move out in 24hrs. All your other belongings, you can claim it this weekend.

[vashti]

I agree with Chlorine. You need to move out immediately. Don't you have a friend you can stay with until you get yourself settled elsewhere? You can't move on emotionally until you have moved on physically.

BTW - you are going to be in pain for a while. I suggest you keep yourself really busy, and do a lot of self-reflection. Don't date for a while.

[Gigabitch]

I can't imagine how you're supposed to avoid becoming the jealous ex-boyfriend in this situation. IMO, your ex should have the tact to refrain from dating right up in your face, especially considering your volatile behavior in the past.

I'm with Chlorine and Vash- get out now, even if you have to rent a room at the YMCA or something.