I don't understand

[Spidey]

Ok so this is gonna be bit of a long story. I apologise for that in advance.

I'm really confused and i'm not sure what to do. I think it's best if I start at the beginning.

So I met this girl on Spring Break when I was in Mexico (March 13th 2007). We clicked the second we met. It was in a club in Guanajuato.

I am very shy around girls and so we didn't kiss or anything. I did work up the courage to ask her for contact info and got her email address. I left the city the following day and rued not taking it further that night.

We started emailing and soon found out that we both had a thing for each other. Things got really intense. We started talking about how much we were thinking of each other. So much so that after two weeks I arranged for us to spend a weekend together in Monterrey, Mexico.

It was the most incredible weekend ever. Really fairytale like. All of our discussions were fairytale like. She referred to me as her prince and I started calling my princess.

Things we beautiful. Then we arranged to meet up for another weekend in Monterrey shortly thereafter. She hadn't told her parents though and her mum found her bus ticket in her bag and stopped her from going. I was very upset and felt that this long distance thing (I was in Austin, Texas all this time) wasn't going to work so I broke up with her. She was hurt a lot. I went to Monterrey on my own and realised that weekend that it wasn't right and that I wanted her. So after the weekend I contacted her and apologised and we made up.

After that we went from strength to strength. Then she got a summer internship in Tucson, Arizona. I went for 5 days to visit her and that was our first major blip. During the trip I found out a lot about her past. Unlike me, I knew she drank and smoked. I also found out that she had used drugs regularly, that she had had sex with another girl, that she had cheated on her previous boyfriends.

It was all a bit much for me because I am nothing like any of that. We had a long talk and she told me that she was bringing lots of problems to my life and that she would understand if I left her. I thought about it long and hard and knew that I loved her and that all those things were insignificant. So I got over it.

As I was leaving Tuscon she told me me she had been dreaming about marrying me. I told her I had thought about it too but that we are in no rush and should just take the time to enjoy each other now. We both agreed on that.

Anyway we kept having an intense relationship. When I was not with her we were smsing, emailing and chatting several times a day.

It got so intense that it was really more or less like we were married.

Anyway one evening while we were chatting she told me that a guy tried to kiss her. I am a very protective person and so this was a dagger to the heart. She told me how she was in his room alone with him. They were playing cards. She said she was just friends but that this guy had grabbed her and tried to kiss her. She told me that she tried to avoid it. I believed her. What irked me was that she couldn't see that it was coming. Being alone in a guy's bedroom with him; how can someone be so naive? Anyway I got passed that after a bit.

Then after the summer she went back to Mexico. Every once in a while I would get a story from her about her hanging out with a guy friend and that guy making a pass at her. I felt more and more betrayed by her cause she was clearly putting herself in these situations. She kept telling me though that she was not cheating on me, and that she only wanted me. So I kept believing her.

Anyway, so I arranged to spend one week with her in Mexico in September. It was absolutely fantastic. We had little fights and stuff but there was incredible magic there. Really. After that week I knew what I wanted and she told me the same.

Anyway, I was heading back to The Netherlands after that so we both knew it could be several months before we would see each other. I was planning to visit her in December. After returning home I told my parents. She is the first girl I have ever been with. The first girl I have kissed, even the first girl I held hands with.

I am originally from India and having a girlfriend is not part of the culture I am from. My parents were shocked as I knew they would be. I thought they would get over it, but they made my life a living hell the last 3 months. Not by reprimanding me, but by emotionally blackmailing me into feeling that I have done something wrong.

Anyway as a result I didn't visit her in December. Closer to the end of November things started to change between us. She started becoming more estranged. We had had quite a few fights. One situation in particular was where she thought she was pregnant. She had told me already that she was incredibly scared of ever having children. We had discussed it and I loved her so much I told her I could give up the desire to have children for her. Anyway this situation got out of hand a bit as she refused to take a pregnancy test. It was driving me nuts and finally I told her that she would have to take one to put both our minds at rest.

I so wanted to be there with her when she took it and I know she was really scared and wanted me there. Anyway it turned out it was a false alarm, and she thanked me afterwards for pushing her to take the test.

Anyway, about 6 weeks ago she started becoming a stranger. She then told me that she was no longer thinking of me as a boyfriend. I knew that risk existed with this long distance thing. We talked about it and I convinced her to be friends with me and when the chance comes for us to be together physically, to try it again.

She agreed. Over the last few weeks tho she has been completely up and down. One second she gives me hope and the next she completely squashes it and says that it's over. I gave her an option of me travelling to her from mid-Jan. I have an option to spend 3 months with her. I told her that we have a golden chance to see if it can work. Since we've lost all our closeness those 3 months would be with no strings attached. Just an attempt to see if we can recover what we had.

Anyway I spoke to her last night. She's been waiting to hear about an internship in another city and had told me that if she gets it, she likes the idea of me coming. However if she doesn't, she will live at home with her parents and then she doesn't like the idea cause she doesn't want her parents involved. I found this wierd.

So I asked her about it last night. And that's when things started coming out. I found out that she basically thinks I'm too good for her. Apparently her mom told her that. Also her best friend thinks it can't work with the distance and so has convinced her to date other guys. She has no self-esteem and I told her that I love her and that I have never considered her a bad person.

She then told me something shocking. She told me that her New Year's wish is to die this year!!! WTF??? I know she's not that depressed cause she's been going out, having fun, being with her friends etc. etc. And yet she says this to me.

She thinks she's got some god-given right to decide what is best for me. She thinks she's my mother and has decided in her head that she is bad for me. I told her that the very thought of her puts a smile on my face. That even 1 sec of contact with her makes the rest of my day incredible. It's like she can't and won't hear any of this tho. She honestly believes she's doing the right thing for my life by rejecting me.

So what do I do? I know she is miserable right now and I am totally depressed. If she had told me something that made me think of her as a bitch, then fine I would be able to hate her and move on.

I can't decide now tho whether to ditch her and just continue with my life or whether this is really the time that she needs me. Whether this is when I should truly show her how much I care and that I am there for her. Should I just go to Mexico and see her face-to-face even if she says no? I know she wouldn't say half the things she is saying if she saw my face. I would go in a heartbeat. Problem is I am then definitely jeopardising my relationship with my parents so I need some sort of assurance that she will be there for me.

So I'm totally confused. I am totally in love with her and I want to be the one to care for her, yet she's not letting me. She's got some stupid idea in her head that she's not good enough for me.

Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

[Gigabitch]

I advise you to not feed her drama. Maybe she just needs to get away from her family and have someone in her life who expects her to pull her head out of her ass.

I guarantee you she doesn't really want to reject you- she just doesn't have the skills to step up and claim you.

[Spidey]

Yea I guess that's what I should have done a while back. She's not ready I guess. She's not in the same place I am, which is actually a really depressing thing for me to admit.

Anyhow I tried in lots of ways to show her how much I love her and that I want to be with her. Since we broke up I have been romantic, I have been aloof, I have been friendly, I have been funny and all along she had been jumping between telling me she wanted to give it a try and being completely cold and like a stranger.

It's been driving me nuts and I guess I've been quite needy in wanting assurance from her that this will all work out. I guess I've been a bit pushy throughout the relationship whenever we've had problems. I can't go to bed angry and I've always been scared of her being angry so I'd always push the issue once we'd get into a fight, just to get some sort of assurance that she would get over it. That's a major flaw on my part I realise now, and possibly a sign of immaturity.

Anyway so after we talked mid-week I felt that nothing I said mattered and she just couldn't hang onto what I was saying: that she's a great person, that I deserve to be with her and that the people in her environment are feeding her nonsense.

Since none of it was working I snapped and I sent her several emails telling her that I really need her and also expressing some tough love. I told her to snap out of it. I told her that all of this is not that serious. That we are both healthy and we can both take a concious choice to be happy and that she's got her head filled with bull that other people have been telling her.

I also snapped and emailed her best friend who I thought was my friend as well. I gave it to her and told her that my ex is miserable. I also told her that she's gotta stop treating me like shit by disregarding me and setting my ex up with other guys and telling her it's not going to work for me and her.

Anyway after I sent it all I pretty much knew that that was going to be the end. I have been telling her too much that I need her and I guess that that's very unattractive. I guess the tough love thing doesn't work when someone is as fragile is as she is.

I fuelled the drama: I see that now. She emailed back saying she's had enough and that my attitude is incredibly poor and that she made the right decision breaking up with me. I knew that was coming.

Funny thing is all along I've been telling her she's a great person, and she's ultimately gotten angry with me about that! That's the essence of it. Basically, I could do nothing right given her mental state and I should have identified that earlier and just stopped contacting her. She needs to go and sort her head out now and I guess I have to accept that she's gone forever because if I harbour any hope that she's be back, I think I'll go nuts.

It's really a shame that it ended this way. The thing is I can't be angry at her. I'm trying to because I know it will help me get over her, but I just can't. I empathise with her and still love her despite the shitty way she has treated me. It's just going to take some time I guess.

Oh well...../me thoroughly depressed right now....

[Gigabitch]

Spidey, time will vindicate you. Someday she'll see that she was harsh.

In the meantime, I applaud your self-respect. Keep your chin up.