Some male advice here please!

[mrsjones]

Hi guys!

I thought I'd better ask a guy's opinion... There's this guy that I really like. He's nice to talk to, intelligent, funny, good looking, has the same weird taste in music, that sort of stuff. With other guys I liked, it was always like he would be nice, ...if. But this guy is just cool the way he is. The only thing is that I've kind of messed it up... a tiny little bit. :/

I didn't really know him before, but this one evening we were talking somewhere in a pub and before I knew it, it was midnight! Nothing happened or anything but it made me realize that he was boyfriend material. So I talked to him more often and he turned out to be even nicer than I thought, and he sounded really interested in what I had to say! Then one night we went out with some friends and all the sudden everybody we knew was gone. As we were dancing I tried to kiss him but he just turned me down! It was SO embarassing! And the worst thing was that he was being extremely nice! It was horrible! He was apologizing and telling me that he just doesn't go around kissing everybody, and that he liked me but... and that it was just a complex situation... and maybe later we could... And then he sent me this message apologizing AGAIN, as if it wasn't bad enough the first time. :S

OK I think the message was obvious enough, and maybe I acted a little too soon.. ahum, but anyway, I just like him so much that I'm can't really accept that he's just not into me. So what do you think I should do? Lie down and wait till it's over? Be his "friend"? Leave him alone? Tell him that I wasn't just kissing him because I had a drink? Get a hobby and let it be? Some words of advice are welcome.

[Only-virgins]

Don't know what his problem was but I personally just don't like kissing in places like the pub...to freaking lame....just sounds like something a guy named Stan would do with is beer belly.

[GrkScorp]

Sounds to me like he knows what he's doing; except for the kiss part..

O.K. rules of the game; when the girl leans over to kiss; you have to either reject (if there's enough attraction), or kiss w/o tongue and then quickly stop as things are building up and say you have to get back to your friends..

The point of the first one though is to TEST the girl's interest in you.. you know.. how women test to see if guys are persistent; well.. this is one of those tests.. and so far; you've failed..

Now; I know what you're eventually going to do, so I don't really know why i'm typing.. you're going to just stop calling him, avoid contact, because "I don't know what he thinks of me now"..

I'll tell you what.. the only mistake you might have done, is "rush", in your case "snap".. imagine going 150mph on the highway.. and all of a sudden going from Drive-5 to Drive-1.. what YOU did is go from Drive 2 to Drive 4.. you totally skipped Drive 3!

Maybe he had no idea how you felt (but I doubt it; I know exactly what kind of guy this guy is; because it takes one to know one)..

WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED: you dance, slowly get more touchy-feely.. build up that cloud of mystery and interest.. get his and your blood boiling a little, move in close to him, look at him suggestively.. see if he would pull away.. if not; that's when you would go in and kiss him.. (but what you ACTUALLY did is "snap".. you leaned in for the kiss without even building up the mood for a kiss.. typical guy mistake, unusual a girl would do it, I think you're the first)

So, what do you do now? Call him, or talk to him and say..

"Hey, umm.. about last night.. "I" actually wanted to say sorry for what happened; at that moment, I was just having such a great time, and I was relaxed and emotional, and it just happened, but i'm sorry. I don't want you to feel all weirded out about it either; I totally understand what you mean, because it's not like "I" go kissing around people either, which is why "I" was shocked more than you when it happened. But I do want you to know, that with that little issue aside, I had a great time, and I just wanted to say thank you :hug while brushing your cheek against his face slowly and warmly:"

Whatever you do; DON'T cry! very unattractive, it screams "needy & emotionally unstable".. so just don't do it..

I think if you throw that his way.. things will be fine again; and your comfort level with him will actually go up (his comfort level with you will go up also).. and you will get an other chance to let things slowly build up and set the mood for a kiss again..

[mrsjones]

Hahaha I know! God I'm such a dork when it comes to love! I'm usually quite laid back when I'm around guys but when I like someone I just start doing stupid things like this..!

I just hope I don't end up with beer belly Stan!

[Only-virgins]

Sounds to me like he knows what he's doing; except for the kiss part..

O.K. rules of the game; when the girl leans over to kiss; you have to either reject (if there's enough attraction), or kiss w/o tongue and then quickly stop as things are building up and say you have to get back to your friends..

The point of the first one though is to TEST the girl's interest in you.. you know.. how women test to see if guys are persistent; well.. this is one of those tests.. and so far; you've failed..

Now; I know what you're eventually going to do, so I don't really know why i'm typing.. you're going to just stop calling him, avoid contact, because "I don't know what he thinks of me now"..

I'll tell you what.. the only mistake you might have done, is "rush", in your case "snap".. imagine going 150mph on the highway.. and all of a sudden going from Drive-5 to Drive-1.. what YOU did is go from Drive 2 to Drive 4.. you totally skipped Drive 3!

Maybe he had no idea how you felt (but I doubt it; I know exactly what kind of guy this guy is; because it takes one to know one)..

WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED: you dance, slowly get more touchy-feely.. build up that cloud of mystery and interest.. get his and your blood boiling a little, move in close to him, look at him suggestively.. see if he would pull away.. if not; that's when you would go in and kiss him.. (but what you ACTUALLY did is "snap".. you leaned in for the kiss without even building up the mood for a kiss.. typical guy mistake, unusual a girl would do it, I think you're the first)

So, what do you do now? Call him, or talk to him and say..

"Hey, umm.. about last night.. "I" actually wanted to say sorry for what happened; at that moment, I was just having such a great time, and I was relaxed and emotional, and it just happened, but i'm sorry. I don't want you to feel all weirded out about it either; I totally understand what you mean, because it's not like "I" go kissing around people either, which is why "I" was shocked more than you when it happened. But I do want you to know, that with that little issue aside, I had a great time, and I just wanted to say thank you :hug while brushing your cheek against his face slowly and warmly:"

Whatever you do; DON'T cry! very unattractive, it screams "needy & emotionally unstable".. so just don't do it..

I think if you throw that his way.. things will be fine again; and your comfort level with him will actually go up (his comfort level with you will go up also).. and you will get an other chance to let things slowly build up and set the mood for a kiss again..

You sure do like to talk a lot. Now while your advice is great in many cases it is one sided. You may be 100% right ...or the guy could have just thought to himself "She is ugly, If I kiss her she might think I like her...Screw this! no kiss! I'm out of here!" in his head. Some answers are simple and some situations may have more than one answer that is a possibility. Just thought I would let you know cause you always go onto this rant that sounds great most of the time but in many cases has many holes in it...problem being is that it is so long that no one cares to pick it apart...like me most of the time when I read some of your stuff.

[okapa]

You sure do like to talk a lot. Now while your advice is great in many cases it is one sided. You may be 100% right ...or the guy could have just thought to himself "She is ugly, If I kiss her she might think I like her...Screw this! no kiss! I'm out of here!" in his head. Some answers are simple and some situations may have more than one answer that is a possibility. Just thought I would let you know cause you always go onto this rant that sounds great most of the time but in many cases has many holes in it...problem being is that it is so long that no one cares to pick it apart...like me most of the time when I read some of your stuff.

Yeah but if he is wrong, she would have to move on and I think you agree it's a bit early to do that, don't you? Let him be optimistic, she still has chances.

[Only-virgins]

Yeah but if he is wrong, she would have to move on and I think you agree it's a bit early to do that, don't you? Let him be optimistic, she still has chances.

I'm more up for letting people know all the possibilities and letting them decide what to do.

[nuevo]

I agree with Only-virgins...

I'm not saying that she is ugly, but it might be possible.

That's why I don't flirt with girls I don't like cuz things like this usually happen...

You are nice (and a little flirt) and they get the worng idea....

[GrkScorp]

Yeah but if he is wrong, she would have to move on and I think you agree it's a bit early to do that, don't you? Let him be optimistic, she still has chances.

not only that.. I appreciate the feedback.. but consider this..

if she was deemed "ugly" by him.. he would NEVER allow himself to be in a situation alone with her, and he would not dance with her (i've never danced with an ugly girl in my life!)

second of all.. I do believe he knows exactly what he's doing.. we're overlooking a HUGE subtlety here when he told her "I don't go around kissing.. blah blah"..

Does this sound like something a disinterested guy would say? No! because it's a hint.. a disinterested guy would pull out the friend routine, or toss some excuse, but this is NOT an excuse.. this is a QUALIFYER..

he's telling her (i'm not a man-whore, plus, you also have to qualify yourself before I feel O.K. kissing you, so you haven't earned it just yet).. it all depends how he said it though.. if he said it with disgust on his face, then run to Ben & Jerry's pronto because that's not good news.. but if he said it in a warm or pondering manner, it just means you "snaped" and rushed in too quickly.. so, you didn't EARN that kiss yet..

I don't feel it's the case that he wouldn't even consider you.. you simply didn't indicate any resistance on his part..

[Nice Lover Boy]

Hahaha I know! God I'm such a dork when it comes to love! I'm usually quite laid back when I'm around guys but when I like someone I just start doing stupid things like this..!

I just hope I don't end up with beer belly Stan!

Have you guys made plans to meet again? If you do, just act like your just their to support a friendship. You know, pretend like you found someone. If he is in to you, he'll try and figure out what's wrong with you and give in.

[mrsjones]

You sure do like to talk a lot. Now while your advice is great in many cases it is one sided. You may be 100% right ...or the guy could have just thought to himself "She is ugly, If I kiss her she might think I like her...Screw this! no kiss! I'm out of here!" in his head. Some answers are simple and some situations may have more than one answer that is a possibility. Just thought I would let you know cause you always go onto this rant that sounds great most of the time but in many cases has many holes in it...problem being is that it is so long that no one cares to pick it apart...like me most of the time when I read some of your stuff.

Hahaha thanks only virgins, you really know how to make a girl feel special! You're really funny, but you know what?! I actually could imagine a guy thinking this. I'm trying to place myself in his situation... dancing with this guy that I find ugly and then he tries to kiss me, I think I would think the same!! NO KISS! Haha.. but really, thanks, what you're saying sounds very "real". But yeah I of course prefer GrkScorps point of view since that's more positive for me... I'm so stubborn :/

[mrsjones]

not only that.. I appreciate the feedback.. but consider this..

if she was deemed "ugly" by him.. he would NEVER allow himself to be in a situation alone with her, and he would not dance with her (i've never danced with an ugly girl in my life!)

second of all.. I do believe he knows exactly what he's doing.. we're overlooking a HUGE subtlety here when he told her "I don't go around kissing.. blah blah"..

Does this sound like something a disinterested guy would say? No! because it's a hint.. a disinterested guy would pull out the friend routine, or toss some excuse, but this is NOT an excuse.. this is a QUALIFYER..

he's telling her (i'm not a man-whore, plus, you also have to qualify yourself before I feel O.K. kissing you, so you haven't earned it just yet).. it all depends how he said it though.. if he said it with disgust on his face, then run to Ben & Jerry's pronto because that's not good news.. but if he said it in a warm or pondering manner, it just means you "snaped" and rushed in too quickly.. so, you didn't EARN that kiss yet..

I don't feel it's the case that he wouldn't even consider you.. you simply didn't indicate any resistance on his part..

Do you think so? Well as I said I would like to believe you since it means that I still have a chance! Should go about it better this time though.. But you know what was so confusing?? When we were dancing I did actually do all the slow things you were talking about, first I grabbed his hands and when he didn't resist I put my hands on his waist and when he did the same with me that was the go! sign for me. But anyway, he said it in a very excusing manner, not with disgust on his face (thank God.. :S). On the other hand, he DID use the "complex situation" excuse and say that he "likes me and thinks I'm realy nice but" (that was it. he didn't really add anything.) which I would use if I don't like a guy who wants to kiss me (weak huh )

Maybe it was like only virgins said, maybe he thought I was nice, but ugly and he just.. let this whole thing get way out of hand and before he knew it, I was all over him and THEN he thought screw thiss, no kiss, I'm outta here!!

[Aidan]

I'm with GrkScorp on this. It sounds like your guy has been subscribing to one of those seduction gurus on the web! It seems to have worked in this case -your interest certainly has been piqued!

That could be a bad sign as it indicates he's a player (or at least a wannabe player!). The 'normal' guy would find it very hard to resist kissing a gal he was interested in. Then again, it could mean that he just has been having bad luck with women over the last few years. So now, he's trying not to lose you by making the same mistakes he has made previously (e.g being over eager, too needy etc.). Maybe you know his dating history and can make the call there.

And I wouldn't worry, mrsjones - most people are like you (myself included!). The more we like someone, the bigger the idiot we make of ourselves!

You could try sending him a mix tape with only different versions of "Me and Mrs Jones" on it!

[Only-virgins]

Hahaha thanks only virgins, you really know how to make a girl feel special! You're really funny, but you know what?! I actually could imagine a guy thinking this. I'm trying to place myself in his situation... dancing with this guy that I find ugly and then he tries to kiss me, I think I would think the same!! NO KISS! Haha.. but really, thanks, what you're saying sounds very "real". But yeah I of course prefer GrkScorps point of view since that's more positive for me... I'm so stubborn :/

I'm glad you didn't take it as me calling you ugly because I wasn't. Many people confuse things. You may have also simply startled him and he panicked. Can happen to people who don't get to close often with the opposite sex.

You can listen Grkscop, he has great advice but just keep in mind that "I don't go around kissing" is a fantastic thing and a clever thing to say I must say to get someone off your back.

[GrkScorp]

You may have also simply startled him and he panicked.

Definitely possible.. I had a girl in HS once, really great body, very energetic, very sexy, long black hair, really nicely tanned, always used to wear light-ish jeans with white thongs inside and the contast on her skin would drive me nuts!

Anyway, I clearly wanted her sexually; but there was simply zero romantic interest.. and she told my friend that she liked me.. so my friend told me.. but I just didn't believe him.. so I went to ask her if there was anything she wanted to tell me.. and well.. she told me.. and I was shocked.. this was a girl, (sorry to be so vulgar), but half the school was thinking about and jerking off to.. and I felt shocked, taken back, on instinct I went into "reject & say no mode" to one of the hottest and sexiest girls in the whole school! (what an idiot, I know).. but it was one of those moments where, "it just didn't feel right"..

I can honestly say.. that if we built some sort of emotional connection, and I actually started to have feelings and shared a sense of comfort and familiarity with her, I would have said yes..

So, it's VERY possible that OV hit this one on the nail! maybe you did just rush.. so just go to him, face-to-face and tell him what I told you to say.. basically convey a sorry for what happened, that YOU felt uncomfortable too.. you didn't want him to feel uncomfortable, but you know you made him feel uncomfortable, but all that aside, you still wanted to let him know that you had a great time..

This should work, because I remember thinking almost just days later (ugh! what an idiot! and now it's ruined! I just basically rejected her, she probably doesn't even want to talk to me or look at me the same way now! ugh! idiot!).. chances are; in your case, he's feeling this in a greater degree than what I was.. so definitely have that face-to-face talk with him..