Ending up together

[intrepido]

Hi,

My ex is older than I, she is 30 and I 24. We love each other very much and long story short its over now between us, at least for right now, is what she says, because she wants kids in a few years and Ill be in medical school.

She says she will settle for someone less desirable who has a steady job so she can have a wedding, kids and send them waldorf schools, crazy expensive schools for young kids (I doubt that would work out neway, the waldorf schools). Those were her words by the way.

Now...I was it for her, she never dreamed shed ever find someone like me, loved me more than anyone ever in her whole life etc etc. Now she is willing to settle. She cant travel really due to panic and agoraphobia so she wouldnt be able to live with me when Im in school. If she never gets better we wouldnt be able to be together neway cuz she cant leave long island, and cant even go more than 20 minutes from her house really.

BUT, if she was to work and get a job now she could save money so that we could have a kid during my last year of med school. She just got a job, at a dog groomers so she is trying it would seem, I dont know for what end but she is trying to get better. She thinks of it as gaining a transferrable skill so if she was to live somewhere else shed be able to have that on her resume and do that, rather than work in a restaurant or someting like shes done in the past.

Anyway, my question is that how would you feel if this was you? She was always thinking id leave her and all but I wouldnt, I loved her and Im a good guy, unlike the other people shes dated who have treated her terribly, cheated on her etc. just her being insecure. She tells me now that shes not ready to see me yet, although we have made tentative plans several times..shes tryin to get over me, Im givin her space but I feel like I cant let her do that, she says shes trying to heal, i say shes just trying to forget.

Does this sound so unreasonable? Id graduate med school when Im 29-30 and shed be 36. She could be pregnant with our first child by that time and Id be working a good job as a doctor. Its like, I want to be with her but I want to be with her now too! If we wound up together we would have wasted all this time, 4 or more years basically. How would I be able to convince her that me and her could work? She was always the one who had the plans and ideas of making it work and now no?

[TheSphinx]

She says she will settle for someone less desirable who has a steady job so she can have a wedding, kids and send them waldorf schools, crazy expensive schools for young kids (I doubt that would work out neway, the waldorf schools). Those were her words by the way.

While I can't speak for all of womandom, most women I know who are looking to settle down are looking primarily for stability and security. This typically means that her potential spouse has his own place, holds down a steady income and can uphold his part of the marriage. Regardless of the joy they may bring, kids are also a huge time and financial investment.

I'm not sure of your situation in any of these areas, but this could be a possibility behind her quote above.

I don't think you can logically convince women one way or another in regards to their feelings and sometimes it's best to just back off a bit, focus at your task at hand and allow them to sort things out.

Besides, a doctor is often times a "hot commodity" on the marriage market. If she is unable or unwilling to stick with you until you achieve your personal goals now, perhaps she isn't the ideal spouse.

Why waste four years of potentially meeting other incredible women on one who's not dead set on you? Think about what you really want in a woman, evaluate your options, then make a decision.

~Sphinx

[intrepido]

Right, the thing is is that she was dead set on me. She would talk about our kids and marriage etc but those are things that will have to wait til about 4 years.

Being a hot commodity on the marriage market is something that does not at all interest me. Its actually the very thing im afraid of happening. Having stability and security and marrying some woman who is more enamored with that then she is with me.

The two of us fell in love, I have nothing right now, she supports herself, living in a cottage on her mothers property by walking and sitting dogs. She wanted me when I had nothing, she wanted all of me and things came to a head with me leaving the toilet seat up or not closing the door all the way and now shes just closed herself off. She says its the hardest thing shes ever had to do and tells me she loves me in every way imaginable, more than words can ever express etc etc but now just wants to settle. Well im sure she can get some dude to knock her up, I guess...altho she hasnt been able to find somoene to keep her as of yet cuz shes a little crazy but well see...

[vashti]

I hate to say it, but I think you'd be better off breaking things off with her. Medical school is a huge commitment. You aren't going to have time to devote to this relationship while you are in school, and you will be surrounded by people in school who would probably make a better match for you (as hard as that might be to imagine right now). You will probably outgrow her in a couple of years; this happens all too often, I'm sure you are aware.

[TheSphinx]

I agree with Vashti in regards to your schooling. But just take a minute to see what you're saying.

Right, the thing is is that she was dead set on me.

She says its the hardest thing shes ever had to do and tells me she loves me in every way imaginable, more than words can ever express etc etc but now just wants to settle

Are you honestly evaluating what she is saying here? I'm not asking this in a chastising manner, but rather in an honest one. If she feels so strongly about you, why would she act in ways that directly contradict her professions?

I can't say much more about this as I am not in your shoes, but I can suggest that you take a look at the situation honestly and decide for yourself. At your age and on your school path, you have an ocean of options at hand.

~Sphinx

[intrepido]

Yea, i have options but I have to try and make love work.

She was the one talkin about her working while im in school, doin any number of things to keep us together.

She has panic disorder with agoraphobia and cant travel really and has problems workin and stuff. She has a tough time handling things. Her father who lives in Alaska is dying of emphysema and cirrohsis. She never knew he was alive til she was 16, and this is really affecting her now. She always wantd a family, to be in a family with a father and mother. She tried committing suicide when she was 17 and basically just wasnt dealt a fair hand in life. I think she looked to me to make things right. She may have and probably did that with other guys before but none of them treated her right, took advantage of her, cheated on her etc. I thought and still do thnk that I can help her and make her happy.

I know everyone is tellin me that I have to worry about myself but what would be so bad about saving someone that you love?

I spoke to someone who used to have panic and agoraphobia about this and they said that it is good that she is taking time away from you, because she never did that. This woman was involved in 3 or 4 abusive marriages and never had the guts or whatever to step away and work on herself. That is what my ex is doing right now, workin on herself, seeing how her new job goes etc.

She just told me that she cant do it right now, (the relationship) she needs to work on getting herself together between work and her father dying. She has peppered that right now stuff throughout our conversations, the fact that she doesnt see it happening right now, she has too much to do. She always wanted to spend all her time with me but that didnt let her sort her own issues out, now she has that time.

[vashti]

She sounds like a lot of effort for a guy who wants to go to medical school. I hope you aren't going to let her derail your plans. Medical school is going to take every last bit of your time. You won't be able to continue with her drama and go to school at the same time.

Just be careful what you wish for...

[intrepido]

I have to hope that she can get better, that I can help her to get better. Honestly if she doesnt or cant I cant be with her, it wouldnt be possible. Ill be goin to school in a litle over a year, the way I figure it and Id like for her to come with me. Im going to tell her this and see what she has to say. It might not be what she envisions for herself cuz I will be very busy and she will have to uproot herself to be with me somewhere away from home. Its not a likely thing to have happen but its not a likely thing that we met one another.

She needs space and time away and she is probably going to emerge from it with a cold heart towards me and any plans for us in the future, I feel. I will write her letters tho and be there for her while she works her stuff out. I just want to believe that all she said was true and see how strong love can really be.

[intrepido]

Ok...at first we were goin to date, she told me shes not gonna be my "----buddy" and I told her of course not. Then after a few more small things she told me that we shouldnt see each other anymore told me its just not feasible etc. NOWWW tho...I have been in touch with her and she doesnt tell me this nemore, she tells me that she needs to get herself together with her new job and her panic/agoraphobia and her father dying...lots of stuff to handle. She needs to really work on getting her mental situations handled, which she told me our relationship left her little time for.

She now tells me that she cant do it right now..she just cant. Right now is actually what she had said when she told me its not gonna work out originally, " I just dont see it happening right now" etc...

Trouble is she doesnt want to see me, figures it will be easier to get over me that way, but I want her back and need to do something super for her, to get her back. What do people recommend? I will probably give her a few more days without talkin to her. I am painting her portrait, like I said I would one day...I think that will show her how much I care and will be a good thing, I dont know! what should I do!?

[TheSphinx]

I'll offer my last bit of advice on this post, as you sound like you have already made up your mind.

Yea, i have options but I have to try and make love work.

Trouble is she doesnt want to see me, figures it will be easier to get over me that way, but I want her back and need to do something super for her, to get her back.

Look at the parts of your post above. You're willing to work so hard to make this relationship work and "win" this woman back, while she is out looking for someone "less desirable."

If your absence in her life isn't enough to bring her back, then it's not very likely that a swath of nice gifts will get her to return.

I have to say that with all the information you've posted, it doesn't sound like this girl is interested in you right now. I've known a lot of girls with very tough stuff to handle in their lives, yet if they were in a great relationship, they didn't put it "on hold" to focus on the problems. If anything, their relationships gave them some positive support during the rough times.

Think about it. The time is yours to spend or waste as you see fit.

~Sphinx