What exactly are you putting on the line when you start something?

[Charlie Boy II]

One of the things that became apparent to me almost immediately after I joined this forum is how seriously some people take dating and relationships. To me dating and girlfriends have always been something akin to a recreational activity - a fun diversion from the everyday and the routine. My friends are fairly similar, at least outwardly, so it is with some confusion that I read post after post like "I like him/her but I'm so scared/ I'm not ready," or "I'm terrified I'll get my heart broken"

Now I'm not being obtuse, I know in an intellectual sense that they're worried about having to suffer the trauma of permanent separation of someone they've become attached to, but.... I mean is that really all that hard? As far as I can see break ups entail a few weeks of getting drunk, listening to sad songs and thinking about yourself and wishing in this bitter-sweet manner way that you could see that person again. In the whole scheme of things is that really so unbearable? Many months or years of happiness for a little bit of misery seems like a fair trade off to me.

I know I must be missing something and I think that perhaps I am not alone in my incomprehension. I think that sometimes men seem to women to behave so badly in relationships because they don't have any real understanding of the sort of impact they're having. So, can anybody fill me in? What is so terrible about it all?

[Gribble]

To me dating and girlfriends have always been something akin to a recreational activity - a fun diversion from the everyday and the routine.

I'm with you on this one. I can't think of anyone I know who doesn't take relationships deathly serious. The biggest, baddest, most misogynistic prick will turn into a whimpering pussy the moment his girlfriend walks out on him. I really don't understand it.

[alidile]

i totally understand what your saying. and yes that's exactly how dating should be something casual and fun and easy to get over. however, i think that we get crazy urges for certain people every once in a while and these are far and few between and lose all our bearings and those are usually the most ridiculous situations of all, myself included in the ridiculousness.

[vashti]

I think it has to do with the fact that lots of people can't stand the idea of being alone, and that they gain a certain sense of (usually artificial) self-esteem if they can attract and keep a mate.

[alidile]

i think that'strue in some cases but otherwise ting all some people like to be alone and wind up get all crazy from other people

[Charlie Boy II]

but I guess what I'm getting is, what does it actually feel like, that makes people so worried? What makes the experience of a traumatic break up so horrific that it scares people off the whole game? I just think it must be on this whole other level that I can't even conceive of.

To put my question more succinctly: what does it feel like to have your heart broken, and what is so awful about it?

[vashti]

It feels like your heart has been ripped out and stomped on by a pair of stiletto heels.

[Charlie Boy II]

yes, I've gathered that but be more specific. What does that feel like to have your heart ripped out etc?

[vashti]

Ugh. Well, let me think back... I seem to remember feeling like an elephant sat on my chest and I couldn't breathe. That lasted for probably a month or so, and was replaced by a feeling of complete and utter alone-ness and despair in which you would gladly jump off the top of a building if you were sure it wouldn't hurt.

[misombra]

i remember it as a mix between being homicidal and suicidal.

[Charlie Boy II]

But was it really all that bad?

A part of me has always suspected that there is a certain amount of morbid enjoyment to be had in wallowing in romantic mishaps and as a result people tend to dramatise it all a bit.

[vashti]

Misombra - True, but I also remember actual physical pain. I guess that still paled in comparison to the emotional anguish.

Charlieboy - I don't know about that... perhaps it is true for some, but some people swear off relationships forever because they are so bitter.

[Charlie Boy II]

See that's what I don't understand - being so bitter you swear off relationships (although that seems to actually happen about as often as drunks actually giving up drink). Anyway I guess I won't ever really understand what it's all about unless it should happen to me. I'm not sure that I'm capable of experiencing that kind of pain from a break up. I think, relative to some others we have on here, I'm about the emotional equivalent of the kiddy pool, not all that deep. My girlfriend before Kristin used to claim that I had no emotions at all!

[IndiReloaded]

a certain amount of morbid enjoyment to be had in wallowing in romantic mishaps and as a result people tend to dramatise it all a bit.

People beating on themselves. Guilty feelings, insecurity, all that jazz. Right on the money CB. Not just over relationships either, ppl beat themselves up over all kinds of meaningless stuff.

I think its related to being young and maybe fear from being separated from the safety of parents/caregivers and/or looking for that experience if you never had it.

The good news is that, as one gets older/mature, you need this less. I know I certainly relish my moments of 'aloneness' as the rare gifts they are.

[Charlie Boy II]

Yes I've always enjoyed solitude as well. Maybe that's partly why I don't feel the sting of breakups as badly.