Full Circle to NOLA

[Junket]

That's right. I'm putting serious...we're, putting serious thought into moving to New Orleans, Louisiana.

A little background:

I originally moved to Oklahoma with a few objectives in mind...

- be closer to Amy
- move in with my brother and his wife and help them out a bit by paying them very affordable rent
- get a construction job to get some experience
- gain my independence from my father

What's happened so far:

- definitely closer to Amy than I was before, however the driving distance, an estimated 2.5 hours driving at 80 mph at 3,000 RPM's...it's a real drain on gas, I have about a quarter tank by the end of the weekend and at 30-40 dollars to fill up, I'm feelin' the financial effects

- Right before I moved, my brother found out him and his wife were getting to adopt 3 year old Victor...Kids truly do change everything. Sometimes I feel like he's my kid too, in that me and my brother aren't free to do the things we originally planned on doing. However, while putting up with 4 dogs and a 1 kid, 250 for rent, that only goes to my family, it really ain't that bad.


- I got that pool construction job, but it is far from ideal. I was hired under the pretenses that I would be doing a little more than just labor. But for the past 2 months, it's been nothing but labor. Sadly, I don't think I've really learned all that much from these guys. Read my blog for a little more info----- [url]http://myexhaust.blogspot.com/[/url]

- I haven't updated any of yous about this, but I am financially severed from my dad. I got my own phone plan, the car and insurance are now all mine...While wholly, nothings really changed all that much, besides more bills, I do enjoy knowing it's all up to me now.

So now what?

Well, me and Amy have been putting serious consideration into moving back to New Orleans, together. More permanently than my move to Oklahoma, and hers to Texas. My original plan was only to be here for about a year, but I'm favoring the idea of getting out sooner than that. I figure, why waste a year?

I haven't gotten to the portion where I ask for the feedback on the topic this thread was created for...but that's because Amy has yet to share her side of things...

[amy]

Hi everybody... This is scarier than I thought it would be! But here we go:

I guess my background story is pretty much the same...

I was living in New Orleans (the greatest city in America) with a really purposeful job; but was pretty over-worked and stressed. While there, fell in love with a really great guy... who happened to live a thousand miles away.

I moved back to Texas because:

1) North Texas/Southern Oklahoma seemed like a good neutral ground to try and work stuff out with Anthony. We both had family here to fall back on.

2) I was pretty burnt out anyway from living in a high-stress environment and working a crazy demanding disaster-relief type job. I thought I could take the work experience I gained there, and build on it in a less stressful setting.

3) I wanted to be closer to my wonderful family for awhile.

REALITY:

My family is awesome, and I LOVE living closer to them.

Things are great with Anthony; except we still live too damn far away from each other. It's 6 hours of driving on the weekend, to see each other for a day and a half.

We both hate our respective jobs, and there just isn't alot of other options work-wise in an area this rural... You just take what you can get.

It feels like we're both just trying to "get through" the year, and are just hoping that 'next year' will get here faster...

Anyway - New Orleans is a good spot for us. Lots of opportunities in construction and non-profit sector right now; especially for young people with less experience. None of the super-established people want to live in a 70% destroyed city with levees that still aren't fixed after Katrina. (I'll stop myself from ranting...)

I guess we both agree we want to move, but the trouble comes in with how it is executed... Namely, if we should move in together or not.

I'll let Anthony get into that, since he's a pro at this whole forum thing. But some big factors feeding that decision would be: my family's severe disapproval, and whether or not going from long-distance to living together is smart or not...

[misombra]

omg i can't believe it. the person that frizzz has been talking about for years is coming to fruition on the forum.

nice to meet you amy!!! welcome. i'm misombra.

okay. so. you want to know what i really think. i mean, really...

DO IT.

that is all.

[vashti]

Whoa! We finally get to "meet" Amy! Here I was starting to think Frasbee was ashamed of us!

Amy, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being disowned by the family), how much disapproval are you facing, and how close are you to your relatives, anyway? Who would be the most upset? I mean, pissing off your parents is a lot different than pissing off your uncle, ya know?

And remind me again... how old are you?

[amy]

I am extremely close with my immediate family. And not just because we're related. We've all been through some things together as a family that nobody else could ever understand. There's not much I wouldn't do for one of them...

As far as disapproval goes - I'm talking mainly about my parents. They are very traditional (both born in the 1940s). I know that a conservative/religious mindset makes them instantly unpopular... But they're really good people -- They just grew up in a completely different society.

Anyway - I don't know about a 1-10 scale... But my older sister moved in with her fiance to save on rent and bills before they got married. Dad called her now-husband every night to say that he didn't appreciate him disrespecting his daughter, etc. It got so bad, that they ended up going to the J.P. to get married, just to appease my folks before getting married again in a big formal ceremony a year later.

This is all compounded by the fact that my dad is 6'2" and 300+ pounds... Freaking intimidating. Oh! And he collects guns. (yikes)

I'm 25.

[vashti]

Can you figure out another living arrangement, then? I mean, could you both move to New Orleans and get roommates, but live in the same city?

This is the thing. Everyone knows Fras is crazy about you. I believe you two might actually get married one day. You are very devoted to your family. That being the case, I think it would be really awful to set up this sort of hostility between potential family members.

I wish I could say I wouldn't give a sh*t what the family thinks, but that isn't true. It would eat me up. Naturally, this isn't true for everyone.

BTW - has Frasbee pointed you towards some of the stuff he writes about you? It is so lovely I think they should be published in one of those love letter books.

[misombra]

oooooooo your dad is going to shoot frisbee.

that's not good.

when living together, it's so important to not be isolated. you guys would be away from all family. maybe you have some friends and that's it. i can tell you that that will create problems. couples do not thrive very well without family/friend support when living together. you will want to get away from one another eventually and have nowhere to go, then if you call your family they'll just lecture you about what you're doing.

that will be hard.

also, moving in together changes the relationship dynamics a lot. if you are not ready for the change, it could be shocking. especially being so far from home.

couldn't frizzz move closer to you for a little while? i mean, closER... lol

[vashti]

Try looking here:

[url]http://www.roommates.com/search.rs?sessid=c83f4f3a06967a538a250ce323874736& page=1[/url]

(I hope the link works.)

[Junket]

Can you figure out another living arrangement, then? I mean, could you both move to New Orleans and get roommates, but live in the same city?

This is what we've been discussing.

Personally, I don't like the idea of living separately in New Orleans. I feel like we're both aware that the relationship dynamics will change. In fact that is what we've been discussing the most, recently. I would consider other roommates so long as we could both be in close proximity to each other.

Things that I think we have going for us in a scenario of living together:

We've lived together before, so we're already acquainted with each other's habits, but more importantly, are open to communicating.

We're both moving to NOLA with goals outside of our relationship.

We have friends/acquaintances from previous years.

You are very devoted to your family. That being the case, I think it would be really awful to set up this sort of hostility between potential family members.

This has been the biggest deterrent, I actually really like her family, and I do hate the idea of getting on their bad sides over something I consider unreasonable. I understand these are the morals/principles they live by, but what I feel like is being disregarded are my morals/principles. Or some might argue, "lack" thereof, (which is offensive).

EDIT: One thing Amy suggested is getting an apartment with 2 bedrooms. Mostly to appease her parents. I think it's a good idea, and I like the idea of having a room separate for storage or what have you. I mean...y'know, for me to live and sleep in...

One of the reasons why I don't like the idea of roommates I'm not familiar with, is that I'm lugging virtually all of my possessions with me. I don't trust other people bein' around what little things I have. The alternative is if Amy has her own apartment, I'd might store some things there with her...

couldn't frizzz move closer to you for a little while? i mean, closER... lol

I considered moving to Texas, but that means I'd have to move again...quit my job, and spend another month or two finding another one, only to be expecting to move in 6 or so months anyway. Amy does still have a lease until...October? November? But she's considering subbing it out, which is also a bit risky.

[misombra]

leaving a lease won't look good when you two go try and find an apartment...

you mean october of next year?

[vashti]

I doubt very much her parents will fall for the two-bedroom bit. I mean, they DO know you are dating, right?

Fras, I don't think this is a matter of them not respecting your moral values at all, and please don't be offended when I say that they have something you want: Amy. You are going to have to be more flexible with your stance than they do if you want to experience optimal relationships with them because you are the "odd man out" at this point. Do you know what I mean? Look at it from their perspective. You are a boyfriend that ultimately may not work out, and this is their daughter. They may think you are a great guy, but ultimately, they are going to stick to operating in her best interests. You'd do the same if you had a daughter.

I don't blame you about roommate concerns. Buy a lock with a key for your door.

[amy]

Ok... I just had to do the whole spend-an-hour-on-the-phone-with-a-tech-support-guy-you-can-barely-understand thing. But my internet is back!

Not to argue both sides... But a few other things to consider:

I've been talking with my sister alot about this lately. Her honest opinion is that my folks won't be so bad. She says they've 'levelled out alot' in the last few years, and is more of the mindset that it's not their decision, and I just need to tell them straight up: "I put alot of thought into this, and this is what I'm doing." and leave it at that.

Another thing... Setting all my concerns aside, I'd really prefer to live with Anthony. It's WAY more practical than us paying 2 rents and 2 sets of bills, when one of us will be at the other's place all the time anyway. And honestly - I promised myself I wouldn't live in New Orleans alone again. There's just too much violence. I feel like I have to lock the door at 6pm. And needless to say... I love him. And after a year of looooong distance, I'd love to see him at the end of every day. =)

Plus, I think he's right, in saying he has his own ideas about how life should be. Why are mine or my family's any more valid? I feel like he's compromised so much to make this thing work already. All the waiting, and the travelling, and then moving to f-ing Oklahoma for Gods sake.

I just worry that he's always meeting me where I'm at; There should be some balance there.

But yeah... the family thing is big. What I'd really like to know from yall though - is how does living together change a relationship? Would you recommend going from long-distance to same-house; and if so - what should one be prepared for?

[amy]

P.S. Lease isn't up until November 2008. =/

[vashti]

Ahh, I misunderstood. I thought you were more worried about upsetting the parents. Disregard what I said before, then.

As far as living together, I think you should be really clear beforehand about how bills are split and who has which household chore responsibility. It's the little things that make people crazy over time... dirty socks on the floor, toothpaste not washed down the drain, who does the cooking, and how often, leaving dishes laying around, stuff like that.

[Junket]

Ahh, I misunderstood. I thought you were more worried about upsetting the parents. Disregard what I said before, then.

As far as living together, I think you should be really clear beforehand about how bills are split and who has which household chore responsibility. It's the little things that make people crazy over time... dirty socks on the floor, toothpaste not washed down the drain, who does the cooking, and how often, leaving dishes laying around, stuff like that.

Yeah, we've discussed that alot. But until we find an apartment, or what have you, it'll be difficult to discuss how the bills will have to be paid.

I need you guys to think of things we haven't thought of yet!

Like...I don't even know!

Oh, by the way, Amy, this is my secret council, secret council, this is Amy.