A complex scenario

[skc417]

Hi all, first post ever, I really signed up to seek some advice to handle a situation between some friends.

As for myself I am in a long relationship and I am very happy.

OK here's the situation, I have a friend whom I have known for many years. Let's call him Brad, Brad has dated quite a few girls over the years and the last time he broke up with his girlfriend he ended up dating my girlfriend's older sister, Jane. From my perspective it was a rebound thing as they were both lonely so somehow they hooked up. It was destine to end up sour from the beginning as Brad and Jane are both very different individuals, they have broken up and made up god knows how many times, it was more of laziness/convenience as they were not actively seeking another relationship.

Finally it lasted just short of 2 years, they broke up as the relationship got more aggressive when the arguments broke out. It actually ended quite violently and I witnessed physical abuse when Brad moved out of Jane's residence.

The next part is quite intense which involves stalking, however I will not go into the details as I do not feel it will help with my question.

Ok so now you have a bit of an idea about what's been happening. Enter the New Girl, Lauren.

I actually knew Lauren a few weeks before Brad, just over a dinner with friends. She was a nice girl but after dinner I never saw her again.

Now for the strange part, Brad and I work together, and lo and behold Lauren shows up as a new recruit a few weeks later. She remembers me from the dinner, I did mention where I worked that night but I would not ever imagine she would end up here.

Alright, so here is where you guys can help out.
You probably have guessed it, Brad wants Lauren, and he's quite the charmer so she will probably fall for him.
The question is should I tell Lauren about his past and violent behaviours? I am sure by the time she falls for him anything I say will just go in one ear and out the other. The twist here is that we do have time, as she will be overseas for a month.

I am having a few moral issues:
1) I am one of Brad's best friends so I should not interfere or say negative things about him
2) Although I have not know Lauren for long I do not want her to get hurt

I could either let things go on and not say anything, or if I tell Lauren, 2 things could happen:
1) She believes me and does not take things further with Brad
2) She goes out with Brad and she tells him about the things I revealed about him, possibility of losing them both as friends.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys for reading my post.

[ExpoNovak]

Don't tell her. She's going to tell him what you say whether or not they end up in a relationship and he's going to be none too pleased with you. If he abuses her and she sticks around then that's her own stupidity and not yours. You aren't going to be able to prevent anything no matter how much you may long to. I know it feels like the right thing to do right now, but sometimes its best to leave well enough alone.

Plus...

Some women and some relationships bring out the absolute worst in a guy. I watched my best friend be a complete @**hole in every sense of the word to his last girlfriend, but his current girlfriend he has always treated like gold and they've been together for over a year. Sometimes, people are just trash but then again, sometimes they just need the right person who doesn't antagonize the crap out of them.

If you still want her to know, then let Jane's sister (your gf, yes?) let it slip to her. For some reason women are more inclined to listen to other women anyway. Plus, then Brad can't blame you for trashing him since its to be expected that his ex's sister wouldn't have the highest opinion of him to begin with.

[Gigabitch]

If you still want her to know, then let Jane's sister (your gf, yes?) let it slip to her. For some reason women are more inclined to listen to other women anyway. Plus, then Brad can't blame you for trashing him since its to be expected that his ex's sister wouldn't have the highest opinion of him to begin with.

Exactly what I was going to say.

[skc417]

That an excellent suggestion. I do believe that if my girlfriend spoke to Lauren directly it will be much more effective. Like ExpoNovak said I will sound like I am trashing Brad behind his back no matter what.

The only thing is that Brad and Lauren's relationship isn't official yet, a few in the office might be suspecting something. I believe I am the only person he has told and of course he doesn't want this to be out in the open. It was quite obvious (to me anyway) as they both pretended they were not speaking to each other.

Also Lauren has no idea that Brad has told me, and she is overseas at the moment. So if my girlfriend approaches her about the issue, later on it will somehow all come back to me about spreading gossip.

Usually I really do not care about other people's relationships, to be honest Brad is great as a friend, but in this case since I have witnessed first hand physical violence I can't help but to feel if something tragic happens later on, that I could've done or said something to avoid it.

And it's not just to avoid the possible violence, it's also to save my own sanity. As you can imagine Brad's last relationship with Jane had kinda scarred me and it has affected my own relationship on some level. Since Jane is my gf's sister, I would be bombarded with complaints from her when Brad treats her like crap, and of course Jane would talk to her sister constantly about it but never would listen to her advice to end the relationship earlier. She would even say to my gf why I would hang around with Brad if he is such a bad person. Of course whilst Jane complains about what an @**hole Brad is, Brad will be saying how much of a B*tch Jane is. I just don't understand how people can be together if there are more sadness then happiness. I am almost convinced that they enjoy the fights, could be some form of emotional addiction.
Their fights pretty much happened on a weekly basis and although it ended violently I am glad now it's over.

I was right about their relationship as a rebound, they kinda just cling to each other for companionship. As soon as Jane found a new guy of course it ended, Brad stalked her for a while when he found out, phone calls at strange times of the night and he busted the new guy's tyres and scratched his car. And since my gf lives with her sister she was frightened to death everytime the phone rings or she hears noises outside.

What I do not want is the whole thing happening again, I am even considering leaving my job as I want to run away from it. Ignorance can definitely be bliss.

Love your saying with the explosives ExpoNovak. If all fails I might give that I go.

[reeba]

Brad is your best friend and Lauren is just a recent acquaintance. Why do you care so much about her? I think you want her for yourself.

I agree with the other posts, let your gf tell Lauren what a jerk Brad is.

[Gigabitch]

Well, could you and your girlfriend stage a conversation about Brad, pretending you don't know about his interest in Lauren? Your girlfriend could mention something about Jane and say, "Things are getting better, now she's not with that asshat, Brad, any more."

[skc417]

Thanks guys, I guess the right thing to do is to either let her fine out for herself or have my gf tell Lauren. Wow Reeba, I never thought someone would suggest that I actually want Lauren, I just do not condone violent behaviours especially if I happen to get caught in middle of it all. I had to physically break Brad and Jane up last time.

[CAM]

Unless you know of a diabolical plan in which Brad is going to kill her, rape her, harm her intentionally (or not) in some way ...you have no business in this issue. Take care of your own life and let others make their harmless mistakes. You are not the Keeper of others. You are not, to quote Salinger, "The Catcher in the Rye."

[ExpoNovak]

Love your saying with the explosives ExpoNovak. If all fails I might give that I go.

Finally someone noticed!

Aside from that, I have a question that truly is none of my business but...you say that Jane asked your gf how you could continue to be friends with someone like Brad when he is physically violent to women and, as you described, more that a little psychotic when he doesn't get his way. I'm wondering the same thing. You say his behavior frightened your gf when she was living with her sister. Wouldn't that be the right time to step up and tell him he'd better knock it the **** off because then YOUR woman is being bothered by his psycho crap?

(Guys, am I allowed to use the f word or would it be censored?)

[skc417]

ExpoNovak, I think you understand my situation the most. Yes Brad can get emotional and has a tedency to get a bit violent when things don't turn in his favour. His psycho stalking lasted about 2 weeks when Jane and him broke up. Jane and my gf was close to calling the police to put a restraining order on Brad.

Nevertheless he found a new love interest now hence he has moved on. CAM, you are correct I do not have any business in others relationships, I'm not trying to be a keeper or "catcher in the rye". However his last relationship has directly affected mine, so it is my business if he has the capacity to harm my partner.

I spoke to my gf about this and she also agrees neither I nor her has the right or responsibility to talk to Lauren about this. My gf knows Lauren but she does not feel she is close enough to talk to her about it.

I know if something goes wrong Lauren will come talk to me and my gf in the first instance, so perhaps we can just wait for her to approach us.

Like ExpoNovak and Gigabitch says anything I tell Lauren now I'm sure she'll tell Brad and that's just going to place our friendship in Jeopardy.

Well guys thanks for all your help during this time, otherwise I would've had a few sleepness nights. I will be going overseas with my gf for Christmas, I will most likely bump into Brad and Lauren also.

ExpoNovak, although I do not have access to any real explosives, I will be firing off rather large qantities of fireworks on New Years Eve, I will launch a few giant Skyrockets in remembrance of your helpfulness.
If you are interested, I will let you guys know how the story unfolds.