Why can't women accept compliments?

[Mish]

Sorry for the sensationalist opening. I know it's a generalization. I know not all women are like that. But the fact is, this is not due to experience with one or two. This is stemming from dozens and dozens and dozens of experiences. I might be having a great conversation with a date, but as soon as I give a tiny compliment it goes downhill from there.

Them:

"What do you mean I have a cute smile?? Don't you know I'm hideous? What's wrong with you??"

"What do you mean I'm interesting?!? You're lying! I need proof!"

"What do you mean I'm cool?? Don't you know I'm really boring? What planet are you from?"

WTF???

What the hell is wrong with them? Why can't these women just accept a compliment and say thank you. Or even not say anything and just smile and look pretty?? They don't even have to recipricate.

And another thing. It seems with a lot of women, the time I find the most amount of interest being generated is when I revel in all of my best qualities. When I talk about me. How smart I am, how intuitive I am, what a Heavy Metal Guitar God I can be, how I can bench press a girl if she seats on my shoulders, how I can knock her dead with my dance moves. I shouldn't have to look into the darkest, most narcissisitc pits of my soul to sustain an interest of a girl due to her low self image. This trait disgusts me. I shouldn't be a "great" salesman, selling myself like a product to you in order for you to be interested in me. I can tell your ears off if you want me to, but I'm not going to be interested in YOU for very long.

I'm interested in having normal conversations, talking as friends without the salesmanship crap and for women to be able to accept my compliments when I give them genuinely and sincerely. But, why is it so difficult to find that?

[rhys87]

sounds like a method to fish for a bigger compliment.

[Gigabitch]

Well, aren't YOU being unreasonable?

I don't know about the rest of the female population, but I used to have quite a bit of trouble accepting a compliment. Every time someone said something nice, I heard the shrill voice of my mother in my head, denying every nice thing.

Anybody else ever have this problem?

[Mish]

Well, aren't YOU being unreasonable?

I don't know about the rest of the female population, but I used to have quite a bit of trouble accepting a compliment. Every time someone said something nice, I heard the shrill voice of my mother in my head, denying every nice thing.

Unreasonable for giving compliments? Unreasonable in being sincere about something that I like in a girl?

I understand there might be some negative mother figure in the back of a girl's head. But I'm not the mother. I'm being honest and sincere. It's like a slap in the face when my compliment is rejected. It's like the girl is calling me a liar for my genuine act of kindness. It's like her saying "Don't ever let me catch you being kind to me again".

[Gigabitch]

Unreasonable for giving compliments? Unreasonable in being sincere about something that I like in a girl?

Unreasonable in expecting to find someone you can just talk with in a relaxed way, exchanging ideas rather than engaging in the endless battle of the sexes.

[Mish]

Unreasonable in expecting to find someone you can just talk with in a relaxed way, exchanging ideas rather than engaging in the endless battle of the sexes.

I'm not interested in fighting my dates. I'm just baffled, why it's so hard to accept compliments by women. It's like I'm giving you (Not you) something from the bottome of my heart and you run away from it like it's some kind of disease.

While you have no problem swallowing completely all of my personal narcissistic self gratification.

[GrkScorp]

Well, aren't YOU being unreasonable?

I don't know about the rest of the female population, but I used to have quite a bit of trouble accepting a compliment. Every time someone said something nice, I heard the shrill voice of my mother in my head, denying every nice thing.

Anybody else ever have this problem?

yeah.. all the time.. but you learn to work around it..

hello! you're being direct.. and flat-out with your compliment.. and there's such a strong stimulus, that her brain's first reaction is to reject it.. not too many women can handle compliments that direct.. you have to slowly activate her prefrontal cotex before you start going direct on her.. whoever "her" happens to be..

think of it like a car in the winter-time.. it's -2F outside.. do you turn on your car and go on the Highway at 60mph? Eventually yes.. but not right away.. you have to turn on the engine.. and keep your foot on the gas (while parked) at around 1-2k rpm until the engine starts to warm up.. once it's warmed up a little, it's ok to put it on drive and start heading towards the highway.. what do I mean in flirting terms?

ok.. lets use the "you're very interesting" as an example.. let's say you say that.. "you're very interesting".. I know.. some mumbo-jumbo can follow before and after, but "you're very interesting" will still find its way in the statement.. once she picks up on that.. red-flags come out.. sirens roar.. in search of what has led you to that conclusion, and when she can't find evidence.. she starts to think you're full of it.. and starts to doubt you and gets defensive.. SO! what do you do to get the same message across?

talk about something.. provoke an interesting conversation where she can express her opinion about something.. let's say the Kite Runner, or the Notebook.. she'll say something profound or maybe just something she feels strongly about.. (hint: that usually means that there's high activity in her prefrontal cortex, so it's a good time to send a subtle compliment her way).. DON'T say "you're so interesting".. instead say something along the lines of.. "wow, i'm impressed, i've talked to so many people about that, and i've never thought about it that way".. or; "wow, yeah.. I never thought about it that way, but you have a really good point.. that's really deep.."

you don't need to spell it out for her.. she's not stupid! that's an indirect compliment.. she's going to pick up on it just as easily as a direct compliment, but it's going to be a whole lot easier to digest.. because:

1. It was used in context; so she has solid evidence to link it to.. (she's going to ask herself, why did he say that? and then, BAM! that's why)
2. It was used in context; so it gives the appearance that it was genuine and heart-felt.. so she won't reject it, and she won't get defensive..
3. It was indirect! SO; she would have been the one to draw the conclusion and connect the dots.. though easy to connect, this is important.. and makes it more effective..
4. Her prefrontal cortex is already flashing by talking about a topic like that, and highly active when she's expressing personal views/opinions about something (prefrontal cortex; google it; it's responsible for self-image and perception of self; companies use neuromarketing to tap into your prefrontal cortex so you can feel good about yourself when you buy their products.. the most famous example is Abercrombie & Fitch).. anyway.. so that's what you're doing.. when her prefrontal cortex is flashing, you're sending something her way that is easy to digest, and since her brain activity in that area is already high, she'll digest it word for word as they roll off your lips and dive to their doom into the depths of her ears..

[Junket]

Well, aren't YOU being unreasonable?

I don't know about the rest of the female population, but I used to have quite a bit of trouble accepting a compliment. Every time someone said something nice, I heard the shrill voice of my mother in my head, denying every nice thing.

Anybody else ever have this problem?

My girlfriend used to think I complimented/flattered her because I was so blinded by my raging hormones.

It got annoying after a while, because I felt like I was being rejected in a sense.

Eventually I just told her to just start accepting the damn compliments.

[Tiay]

I didn't accept compliments for a long time. I just got all humble.

them: "that's a really great photo you took"
me: "oh, it was just luck".

why? because somehow I felt that saying "thank you!" would be equivalent to saying "yes, i'm fabulously skilled. kiss my feet"

when in fact, turning down or minimising the compliment throws it back in the face of the one complimenting you. Might as well say thanks and be happy 'bout it. but that's just me.

[Mish]

I didn't accept compliments for a long time. I just got all humble.

them: "that's a really great photo you took"
me: "oh, it was just luck".

why? because somehow I felt that saying "thank you!" would be equivalent to saying "yes, i'm fabulously skilled. kiss my feet"

when in fact, turning down or minimising the compliment throws it back in the face of the one complimenting you. Might as well say thanks and be happy 'bout it. but that's just me.

And this is something I don't understand

Say if someone gave you a nice card for your birthday. And they wrote their kindest wishes for you from the bottom of their heart, would you throw that back in their face as well? If not, why would you do the same with a compliment? Essentially it's a similar thing on a smaller level.

I can understand being humble. But, if you really think about it, the humble way is to accept an act of kindness from another person, not to reject it.


Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. ~Robert Brault

[Tiay]

And this is something I don't understand

it's called insecurity. I didn't want to come off aloof.

Say if someone gave you a nice card for your birthday. And they wrote their kindest wishes for you from the bottom of their heart, would you throw that back in their face as well? If not, why would you do the same with a compliment? Essentially it's a similar thing on a smaller level.

It has very little to do with the actual person or the compliment. It's simply that I didn't think that, say, the photo or whatever they were complimenting, was that good, and I didn't have the self-belief to actually accept that it was good.

It's a simple matter of distorted perspective, really. Say, you write a paper and it's absolute shit. You know it's shit, you wrote it in two hours the night before the deadline. Now if somebody comes along and says "you wrote a great paper!", you are probably going to say "no, really, it wasn't very good at all"

and that's fine, because nobody is going to compliment you on a shit paper anyway. However, if your perspective and self-worth was distorted so that you thought everything you did was shit, your reaction to compliments would be the same as to the compliment on the badly written paper.


Of course I wouldn't throw a nice card back at someone's face.
Wishing someone a happy birthday is in fact different from the kind of statement a compliment involves; ie, "You're funny", "your hair is nice", "your accent is cute". If I don't feel that i'm funny of that my hair is nice or whatever, I didn't feel comfortable accepting it. If, however, someone says "I really really wish you the happiest birthday ever!", then there's no fact in there to argue with.

I can understand being humble. But, if you really think about it, the humble way is to accept an act of kindness from another person, not to reject it.

yes, as I said, I can see that. You're preaching to the converted.

[vashti]

And another thing. It seems with a lot of women, the time I find the most amount of interest being generated is when I revel in all of my best qualities.

You mean it hasn't occurred to you that your best qualities are the things that attract people? Who wants to hear about your worser qualities?

[Mish]

Of course I wouldn't throw a nice card back at someone's face.
Wishing someone a happy birthday is in fact different from the kind of statement a compliment involves; ie, "You're funny", "your hair is nice", "your accent is cute". If I don't feel that i'm funny of that my hair is nice or whatever, I didn't feel comfortable accepting it. If, however, someone says "I really really wish you the happiest birthday ever!", then there's no fact in there to argue with.

There can be facts to argue with even in that statement. You may not feel like you deserve to be having the greatest brithday ever, just like you may not feel that you are funny or that your hair looks nice.

But I understand what you are saying. It all comes down to insecurity and self perception. And this is what worries me about a lot of women these days. Their insecurities make them reject something kind in favour of something narcissitic from the other person. As a date it's so much easier for me to tell you how great I am and why I should be worshipped. And manipulate your insecurities into believing that I'm so much better than you, as a reason to continue dating me. It disgusts me to no end knowing that I can keep the interest going if I succumb to that level and loose the interest completely for being kind.

[Mish]

you don't need to spell it out for her.. she's not stupid! that's an indirect compliment.. she's going to pick up on it just as easily as a direct compliment, but it's going to be a whole lot easier to digest..

Some interesting points in there to consider G. Thanks for that.

It makes sense. I'm a bit annoyed that you need to follow a manual just to compliment somebody. It seems kinda silly.

But, oh well...

[Tiay]

There can be facts to argue with even in that statement. You may not feel like you deserve to be having the greatest brithday ever, just like you may not feel that you are funny or that your hair looks nice.

true, but that's not actually the same. all they're saying is that *they* wish me happy birthday. I can't prove that they're lying. But yeah, I don't know if it make much sense, but that's just the way I felt about it. You did call the thread "Why can't women accept compliments?" so I thought you might appreciate an actual answer than just gender-sparring.

But I understand what you are saying. It all comes down to insecurity and self perception. And this is what worries me about a lot of women these days. Their insecurities make them reject something kind in favour of something narcissitic from the other person. As a date it's so much easier for me to tell you how great I am and why I should be worshipped. And manipulate your insecurities into believing that I'm so much better than you, as a reason to continue dating me. It disgusts me to no end knowing that I can keep the interest going if I succumb to that level and loose the interest completely for being kind.

ah, but does that really last? The person I'll stay with in the long run is the one who makes me feel good about myself (even if it takes some convincing!), the person who when i'm with, I feel the best of me comes out. Are you gonna get that with manipulation and narcissism? probly not.