will men really commit after marriage?

[Junket]

It cetainly makes sense to me that one should find someone whose beliefs, morals etc. are similar. If people change I would be concern that their views on goals, morals etc. would also change.

Do you have any living relatives?

[Henry123]

Do you have any living relatives?

Yeah I have a few.

[Junket]

Yeah I have a few.

Throughout your years, have any of them ever grown, or changed?

[Henry123]

Throughout your years, have any of them ever grown, or changed?

Some of them changed yes but grown I dont think so. Some of them changed for the worst and they are miserable to be around.

[Junket]

Some of them changed yes but grown I dont think so. Some of them changed for the worst and they are miserable to be around.

So you've ditched them?

[Henry123]

So you've ditched them?

Some of them. I pretty much ignore them. They are simply not in my life anymore.

Its like my dad who has never visit his brother for over 30 years. At most they might exchange a letter every 10 years now and again.

I knew this girls whose family is nothing but alot of conflicts and headaches. They dont even have dinner with relatives anymore because all they end up doing is fighting and yelling at one another. Her father tried to unite them a few times but it ended up over and over again in fighting.

[Junket]

Some of them. I pretty much ignore them. They are simply not in my life anymore.

Then don't get married, because people will always change, even you, and if that's not something you can handle, then marriage is something you can* handle either.

[IndiReloaded]

If the person you married is not the same person anymore then why stay married? Why even bother with marriage? Is it really any different than starting a new relationship with someone else?

Well, all I can say is that I wouldn't be keen to put the amount of effort into a new relationship as I have w/my spouse. I understand him & what makes him tick very well. And him me. Which allows one to make certain plans & predictions about daily life that, personally, I find very reassuring.

As for change, I'm not talking complete personality 180s. If I was with someone who suddenly became criminal, or a drug addict or something I just found morally wrong or totally irresponsible I would leave them if I couldn't quickly understand why they had done so.

Its really wonderful to watch a loved one grow in their personality & successes (and even failures). Makes one proud, esp if you know you've played a role in their growth. Short term relationships don't generally provide this b/c they aren't invested enough in your well being to care this much. You need to experience this before making a decision about LTRs.

[Henry123]

Then don't get married, because people will always change, even you, and if that's not something you can handle, then marriage is something you can't handle either.

Thats what pretty much I have been told by others "Dont get marry" "It will ruin you".
Its not like I get bonus points for being married. Although I see it as having a social function mainly.
The alternative of course is alternative relationships.

[IndiReloaded]

Then don't get married, because people will always change, even you, and if that's not something you can handle, then marriage is something you can't handle either.

Tho a certain amount of stubborness is also of value in a marriage. Esp when you decide that being married is the thing you're going to be stubborn about.

[Mish]

Sure they do. But not sure how you mean this to relate to divorce. A good partnership encourages growth and change of each other. Its called growing up.

One does run into problems when one grows ahead of the other. But I think that is one of the things you're supposed to help each other with. The important factor is that both are open to growth. When one stops or refuses, this can cause serious problems if the issue isn't one that can be ignored or tolerated by the other partner. This is why its best to try and find as close a fit as you can regarding attitudes about major life issues (kids, money, goals, morals, etc) early on.

I like how you put it and frame you put around it Indi. Though for someone like you, I can see how this process can be less challenging than for many others. You have highly developed listening and understanding skills and your communication method is effective at bringing out your own point of view yet sensitive to the needs of the other person. I can see how your partner can have a pleasant and enjoyable experience working issues of change out with you.

These skills you have are a farcry compared to what I've experienced out there. In an average relationship generally what happens is that one day minding your own business you get confronted by your partner with an ultimatum, either you change or else. No negotiation how both sides can resolve the conflict, no talking about how both sides contribute to the problem, no working out the issue, no compromise, no nice talks of growth and how growth affects the relationship. It's either that or you're out. And there's nothing you can do in a situation like that and you have little prior knowledge if any to predict it's going to happen that way. Relationship can be great, you could be with a great person, who unfortunately (immaturely) rolls like that.

It would be really great and so much easier if everyone listened, understood and communicated like you, but unfortunately it's not the case.

[Henry123]

Well, all I can say is that I wouldn't be keen to put the amount of effort into a new relationship as I have w/my spouse. I understand him & what makes him tick very well. And him me. Which allows one to make certain plans & predictions about daily life that, personally, I find very reassuring.

I'm happy that your happy Indie.
Some people like predictibilities others dont as much.
For me it depends.

I have met women who are bored to death about their life going through the same routine. They say "Is this all there is to life?"
I guess for them its different.

I see people together becuase of the kids. I see others are together simply because of age and not believing they will find another partner. But they dont seem to really love each other but are together for convience sake. Some of them just seem to have their life beaten out of them.

As for change, I'm not talking complete personality 180s. If I was with someone who suddenly became criminal, or a drug addict or something I just found morally wrong or totally irresponsible I would leave them if I couldn't quickly understand why they had done so.

I could understand that.

.... Short term relationships don't generally provide this b/c they aren't invested enough in your well being to care this much. You need to experience this before making a decision about LTRs.

You know I'm not totally into short term relationships either. For the very reason you mention.

It depends on how LTRs are being define here. For me LTRs is not the same as marriage (I consider marriage to be permanment term relationships). But I'm a little pessimistic about it. I wish it could be different.

[Junket]

I don't have any particularly standard, romantic views about marriage, but as of the recent year, I've been developing the kind of things I'd want out of such a relationship.

It's not something I'm ready for yet, not by a long shot, but eventually maybe.

[Henry123]

I don't have any particularly standard, romantic views about marriage, but as of the recent year, I've been developing the kind of things I'd want out of such a relationship.

It's not something I'm ready for yet, not by a long shot, but eventually maybe.

I hope you find what your looking for Frasbee.

[IndiReloaded]

Mish & Henry:

Ahahahahaha! You think I was always this way?? I'm flattered, but no. I had to learn, fellas. Still learning. But that's the point.

Last time & then I'm done: look for a partner who is intelligent, kind-hearted, and not too self-centred. This kind of person will be open to learning about themself. If you're the commitment sort, a person w/these traits who share your values will grow along with you. Most of the time, given hard work & some luck. Mostly hard work, tho.