Fear of penetration?

[Cumfu]

Hi, I need help with a peculiar problem.

Me and my boyfriend have decided to have sex (we're both in our early 20's, both virgins), and had quite a few talks about this to make sure we're well prepared. We communicate exceptionally well, so getting points across isn't a problem..

We've tried to have sex twice now, and both times I get so scared that we have to stop. I keep worrying about the pain involved. However (before you suggest anything along those lines), I know I am ready for this, but it has more to do with a fear of penetration itself, I think

Any idea on how to overcome this?

[Moonchild]

You can get over that the same way people deal with any fear--gradual exposure, or so my psychologist tells me (about public speaking, but it applies across the board). Don't jump into sex. No, I'm not trying to tell you to wait. I mean, he isn't a floating penis. The more wet you are, the easier it will be. Put emphasis on foreplay. Get him to use his fingers first--they'll go in easily, and you don't have to worry about it. No hurt in something like that. No hurt in two. And when your mind is settled on that front, you'll be more prepared to have him penetrate. This is a mental thing, but a mental thing he can help with. Or you could do it yourself, if you want it to come across as some sort of miracle that you aren't freaked anymore--but eh, I certainly don't think he'd mind helping you through that. Fears are often illogical, so thinking through it more may not help as much as you might hope. Work your way up to it.

'Course, you might want to wait for someone who's actually had sex to give their opinion on this. XD

[GrkScorp]

Hi, I need help with a peculiar problem.

Me and my boyfriend have decided to have sex (we're both in our early 20's, both virgins), and had quite a few talks about this to make sure we're well prepared. We communicate exceptionally well, so getting points across isn't a problem..

We've tried to have sex twice now, and both times I get so scared that we have to stop. I keep worrying about the pain involved. However (before you suggest anything along those lines), I know I am ready for this, but it has more to do with a fear of penetration itself, I think

Any idea on how to overcome this?

Well, first off.. I think alot of women will flood this thread with many different stories about thier first time.. the important thing to consider is that all women are different.. especially down there..

I've been with two virgins before.. and i'd never do it again.. because the fear and whole drama involved is so HUGE in comparison to what's involved... "drowning in a teaspoon of water" as I like to call it..

I mean.. case 1, the girl may have has sex before; but as far as I can tell.. she didn't even have a hymen.. rare?? yeah it is.. but it's also possible.. I mean; honestly.. it wasn't like we were getting married, so I could care less now that I think about it.. reguardless if she was telling the truth or not.. it IS a possibility..

case 2.. normal physiology, girl had her hymen in place.. and we had to wait 2 months until she was finally "ready".. well.. we start having sex slowly.. and then I go in "fully".. I look at her.. ask her how she's feeling.. she laughs and tells me "wow, that didn't hurt at all".. well.. oddly enough.. we look down and there is a whole bloody mess... "not british bloody.. litterally bloody".. I ask her again.. "are you sure it's not hurting?".. and no.. she wasn't in pain.. she honestly thought it was me.. But that's impossible since I had a condom on, and there's nothing that would cause me to bleed to that degree.. (it wasn't a pool of blood; but about a good hand-full which made quite a mess)..

The good news is.. that your female body is already well-equiped to handle sex.. or more accurately.. "not well equipped" to produce paid.. the hymen is one of those useless organs.. which quite commonly doesn't even contain any nerves!!! Much like the vocal folds; you can't actually FEEL any damage occuring to either!!! So what is this PAIN you've been hearing about?? Two sources..

1. Yes; there are women who do have pain for the first time.. My mother for instance was telling me (yes, the childhood trauma i've had to endure) how her first time hurt a little.. but nothing "painful".. and nowhere near the endless-hell-like-agony-pain of ages for the rest of eternity that her parents had told her it would feel like.. which leads me to point 2..

2. Parents & Family.. Let's face it.. for one reason or another.. your parents and your family don't want you to have sex.. ever! So they try day and night as a young girl to tell you all kinds of things in the hopes of psychologically drilling them deep into your head to prevent you from having sex as long as possible.. One of the most effective ways of doing this?? "Your first time hurts so much, ahh the pain!! I was ready to die; worst than labor.. like having your limbs being slowly cut off".. not buying it??? well.. that's because you're now in your 20's... but back when you were a little girl.. i'm sure this story would keep you a virgin beyond the age of 25..

There is something else you should consider.. aside from the hymen issue.. which you should take lightly.. because chances are.. you probably will feel a "short-lived pinch" at worst... you might want to check for a rare condition which causes the tightening of the vaginal muscles that prevent the penis from entering.. making penetration impossible.. and sex less enjoyable (even if penetration does occur)..

I forget the name of it.. because i'm not a doctor.. but you should go to a general or gyn and ask about it.. just to be sure and see what steps you can take..

[vashti]

Well, I actually DID experience pain the first time, and yes, most females do. Pain is a subjective feeling; we all experience it differently. The level of pain one experiences varies depending on how "open" your hymen already is, how thick the tissue is, and how you personally experience pain. The hymen is made of connective tissue, and there ARE nerves in there, although not in great numbers. It hurts because you are stretching and tearing that tissue, and the pain/discomfort can be there the first couple of times you have sex.

That being said, have you used tampons or penetrated your vagina with anything else? That will have already helped to stretch the hymen a bit. Also, lubrication will help reduce the discomfort.

I think that "just doing it" is the best way to handle this. It probably won't be all that pleasant the first couple of times, so don't expect much.

PS - if you are really a kid posing as an adult, you are too young for sex.

[DoesntMatter]

Giggity giggity... Goo

[Moonchild]

The hymen is made of connective tissue, and there ARE nerves in there, although not in great numbers.

Oh dear, I forgot about that. I think I killed mine when I took one of my mom's tampons to figure out how to use it. >> Hm. Didn't hurt for me, though. It was more of an, "Oh crap, I /broke/ something." I didn't bleed, but I didn't know what I'd done. XD I did feel that, though. You have to figure, I was rather young, no instruction on tampon use, too embarrassed to talk with my mother or have her show me how to deal with it, and too dumb to check the internet. (Plus we had dial-up back then. *shudders*) So I dug up my parents' medical encyclopedias. I think they still have those, actually. I don't know why, because they both work with computers... >>

[Cumfu]

Well, I actually DID experience pain the first time, and yes, most females do. Pain is a subjective feeling; we all experience it differently. The level of pain one experiences varies depending on how "open" your hymen already is, how thick the tissue is, and how you personally experience pain. The hymen is made of connective tissue, and there ARE nerves in there, although not in great numbers. It hurts because you are stretching and tearing that tissue, and the pain/discomfort can be there the first couple of times you have sex.

That being said, have you used tampons or penetrated your vagina with anything else? That will have already helped to stretch the hymen a bit. Also, lubrication will help reduce the discomfort.

I think that "just doing it" is the best way to handle this. It probably won't be all that pleasant the first couple of times, so don't expect much.

PS - if you are really a kid posing as an adult, you are too young for sex.

No, I'm by no means a kid (though I do wish I were sometimes), not to worry.

It's a genuine concern and I didn't know quite how to formulate my post. I've had a (more or less) phobia of all things, eh, "mushy" quite a while, such as eyes and other soft tissue. It's not due to the actual hymen, it's this initial insertion that I simply can't get around. Some days I wish I had been a drunk 14-year old and gotten it over with much sooner instead of waiting this long. But I'm glad I waited for this guy.

For this reason, I've never used tampons in the past, and the thought of them makes me cringe on an entire different level. A penis is less frightening despite its size.
You asked about anything else - finger. When I was younger, I used to do horse riding (if only I could go about this type of riding the same way), and considering the very sharp pain in the nether regions once or twice, I'd say my hymen is well prepared for more rigorous workout.
It's simply a mental block that I need to overcome and was wondering if you had any suggestions.
Thanks for all your replies.


GrkScorp, vaginismus - nothing has indicated I might have this - is the last thing I want to worry about; I'd rather go into this hoping for the best as opposed to the worst.
Also, my folks never told me to avoid it or that it's something to be avoided seeing as I was a very reasonable kiddo, and this is probably why I've kept a positive attitude towards it.

I don't ever get drunk, but I might very well attempt it this time, lol. This is a phobia, people, and it's probably not a very flattering one. It's a bit ridiculous, aye. Made myself sound like a pussy (pun intended), especially since I just want to be shagged senseless by him, but it's what it is.

Moonchild, thanks, gradual exposure sounds about right. We've done the whole other shebang (just about everything but this), and he wouldn't mind helping out, no.

Wanted to ask the females on this forum how they went about it the first time, slow insertion or straight to it? I'm wondering whether shock therapy might help here.

[Tiay]

no, I'd definitely say that slow is the way to go. Fast is going to hurt, phobia or no phobia.

The way I did it was kinda.. gradual. Like literally, he'd push a bit, I'd say stop, holdon, and i'd just take a moment to mentally relax, rinse and repeat. Worked for me- there wasn't really pain, just passing discomfort blended with arousal, so it was actually pretty good. I think my memory of it might be a bit distorted by now, but yeah, don't just ram it in.

I'd say moonchild is right with the gradual exposure. Simply keep trying- and don't feel like you've 'failed' afterwards, as long as you got a little bit further than last time.

[LostNotFound]

well i'm a virgin and i think it's gona be really wierd the first time he's gona try and stick it in to. we have talked and talked and talked about it but i think nothing will get rid of the fear of some pain.

[IndiReloaded]

1. When you'ved decided, don't second guess or feel guilty. Just use protection & enjoy it. But if you're doubting, you're probably not ready.

2. Have him stretch you first with his fingers. About 4 should be about the size of his penis. If that fits, so will he. Bringing you off once that way would be even better as you will relax more.

[Stalin_Skaya]

You need to face your fear. Invite 30 guys to penetrate you on an evening.

[IndiReloaded]

You need to face your fear. Invite 30 guys to penetrate you on an evening.

Likewise, Stalin. Invite 30 Americans to force-feed you BigMacs. Shoving them up both ends at once. You'll feel a lot better afterwards, I'm sure of it.

[Loveable Leo]

Hmm...I had this problem the first time I had consentual sex. My problem stemmed from a previous rape though, and I assume yours doesn't. Speaking from experience (and what I've been told) it HURTS A LOT but that has to do with the hymen breaking...once that is over with, it will still be an odd sensation for a while while you're still performing your 1st carnal act, but the more you do it, the better it will feel. I know I hurt a lot b/c prior to my "incident" i had never used a tampon or a vibrator or had a finger inserted...nothing. Just make sure your boyfriend knows to be very gentle with you and to take it slow. That's what my first REAL time was like...there was a lot of talking...I cried, and he just kissed me and ran his fingers through my hair and assured me everything would be okay..and it was....until he cheated on me with my best friend, his collegue and some chick that he told me was his sister (which now i find hard to believe), but that's neither here, nor there....

[Cumfu]

1. When you'ved decided, don't second guess or feel guilty. Just use protection & enjoy it. But if you're doubting, you're probably not ready.

2. Have him stretch you first with his fingers. About 4 should be about the size of his penis. If that fits, so will he. Bringing you off once that way would be even better as you will relax more.

No doubts about this. I think I've waited too long, because I am more scared with time, not less. Many are avid proponents of waiting for the right person, yada yada, but I find that I'd rather have gotten this over with sooner in order to enjoy it with the guy I truly love. It's not fear of sex itself, but any kind of penetration, and the idea of fingers is more frightening than a penis, actually. I think I'd rather deal with the pain at that time rather than "stretching" before the event.
Thanks for the tip though.

[Cumfu]

You need to face your fear. Invite 30 guys to penetrate you on an evening.

You seem more open to the idea. If you handle them in the morning, they'll be worn out before the evening. Bet you have a fine little bum.

You're right though, and I shall face my fear. Or go with general anaesthesia.