Confused Friend

[brianbtn]

Ok my dilemma is kinda like rowlanders’ unreturned love post but with a twist… I have this girl that is a good friend of mine. She is the sweetest kindest most good hearted girl you’ll ever meet. Since I have been friends with her now for awhile I have fell deeply in love with her. But here’s the thing… she has a boyfriend that she says she loves him but she has caught him cheating on her twice now that she knows of and she keeps running back to him and forgiving him??? WTF??? I recently expressed my feelings to her and it didn’t go so well. Almost ended our friendship. She told me she just wants to be friends I asked her why and she couldn’t come up with an answer…just she loves her boyfriend. Every time we go out we have a great time!! I even bring her dinner when she works the late shift at the hospital. Her boyfriend never does that. I even meet her on her breaks sometimes. Heck she’s even stayed at my house a couple of nights. We have never done anything but hug!! We just talk about all sorts of things and have some laughs it’s really nice…I’ve never met a girl like this. Its like we’re made for each other. I just don’t understand why she wants to be with this jerk that keeps breaking her heart I’m the one she tells first when he cheats on her… Any girls out there that can help me with this??? I really love this girl to death and I can even see myself asking her to marry me one day… I just gotta get her away from this jerk, but I respect her too much to tell her to dump him. I hate to see her cry it just tears me up inside. Since I told her my feelings things have been weird between us now and she has noticed she told me today. I respect her feelings no matter what they are. I’m still good friends with her but she now knows I love her more than friends and that has made it weird. Any ideas??? What can I do???

[Mathias]

So you've told her how you felt, and she rejected you?

Game over, move on. Period.

[brianbtn]

thought about that too... but my heart wont let her go... there's just something about her.. I dont know if you guys believe in soul mates or not but im sure she is mine.. we are alike in so many ways. we have the best times when we are together. she is a very caring girl so i think thats why she keeps taking him back.. I know she loves me deep down... we still talk everyday.. she calls me everymorning just to say good morning and tells me to have a great day! and everynight to tell me goodnight! I just wish she was with me everymorning and everynight so we could say it face to face. we do when she stays over at my house when we wake up snuggled next to each other. That's the best!

[vashti]

Women who date abusive men are bored by normal men. They are hooked on the drama.

Also, it is a win-win situation for them. If she can get the abusive guy to stop being abusive, then she gets to be a hero, and has confirmation that she is fantastic and loveable. If she can't get the abusive guy to change, she gets everyone's pity for staying with him, and she gets to be a "better person" than he is.

It is all about trying to find self-esteem in the worst possible way.

(Forgive me for quoting myself, but this scenario comes up with some regularity.)

Anyway, I doubt you are going to get your needs met with this relationship, so I think you should consider moving on. Try to find a girl that doesn't need "rescuing". She will be more emotionally healthy. BTW - this girl is stringing you along as an extra little boost to her self esteem. She shouldn't be engaging in this amount of contact knowing how you feel about her. It's kind of cruel, really.

[Mathias]

thought about that too... but my heart wont let her go... there's just something about her..

Ugh. Quit living in your own little world.

When you realize it doesn't exist, you get into healthy relationships, and those are so much better.

[IndiReloaded]

Brian: Vash & Mathias are telling you how it is, but you're not listening.

In situations like this, the only real way to get over it is to go No Contact. And, with luck, you'll find someone else to capture your interest.

What's the urgency to this? Life is long. A few months distance to reset your friendship (or give her time to break up w/o your influence?) isn't the end of the world. If it is, you didn't have much to begin with.

Take a step back. You're not thinking straight at the moment.

[brianbtn]

yeah i hear what you all are saying... and i appreciate the advice... Its just so hard I finally found a girl that makes me whole.. gives me a reason to go on... Its not that they have an abusive relationship it's just i think his love for her is ran out. and she doesnt realize it yet. she is just confused... I need to make her realize that she not only has a good friend here but also someone that will love her for the rest of her life but i think she knows that deep down. I just dont know why he just doesnt end it with her and let us be together. He knows we hang out all the time... Hell even more than they hang out??? Maybe i just need to have a heart to heart talk with this guy in a civil manner and make this a win-win for all three of us. He knows i love her but he is just too comfy staying at her house. Which she rarely stays at!

[vashti]

What you are saying sort of implies that she has no choice in the matter, but she does. In fact, she has already chosen, and it wasn't you, my friend.

[IndiReloaded]

C'mon, where are the guys opinions when you need them?

Here's what I'd think they'd say: Why should she leave? Right now, she's got the best of TWO guys. The asshole who makes her feel like a martyr & the 'good guy' who lets her cry on his shoulder w/o any of the benefits (i.e. you're too nice to actually sleep w/her).

If you want her to appreciate you, you need to let her know what it would be like without you. Its your only hope in situations like these.

[brianbtn]

You know ive been thinking long and hard about this ALL day... I think im just gonna give her space and just leave it at that.. what ever will be will be... maybe she will come back to me IDK? I just hope for her sake that down the road i will still take her back... I just cant keep hurting and beating myself up like this forever. Its funny how someone can break your heart into pieces and then you can turn right around and love them with every little piece just the same! I think ive lost my friend and soul mate today...

[Gigabitch]

I think ive lost my friend and soul mate today...

But you found that last scrap of self-respect, and that is golden.

[brianbtn]

ok so its been almost a whole day and ive had no contact with her... not even text messages she still sends them.. it just kills me not to respond to them. oh me i got love withdraws i miss her so fricken much. its like a part of me has died... but i know i gotta be strong and maybe this will work out for the best! hopefully????

[Gigabitch]

Does she know why you're doing this?

[brianbtn]

no.. won't that defeat the purpose?? How do i tell her without just flat out telling her "holla at me when you get single??"

[Gigabitch]

Doing it without explanation could be hurtful and damage your chances. if you did that to me, I would hate you.