I hope I can get some guidance on this because I am completely confused and unbearably hurting inside. I'm 21, a college student (about to graduate), and I've been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for over 5 years. We got together when we were both 16 and we were high school sweethearts. NOTHING anyone could say or do kept us apart, and to this day the most time we've ever spent away from each other is 1 day, and I was miserable the whole time. The relationship is VERY serious-- we are integral parts of each others' families, we lost our virginity together and have sex on a regular basis, we share money and do things together all the time. In fact, since I haven't had a job for the past couple years while I focus on the very demanding degree program I'm involved in, she has paid for everything knowing that I will take care of her when I finish school.
I don't know when it happened, but I started slipping away from her emotionally.. I love her dearly, I care about her more intensely than someone could care for another, but I just feel like I'm not the same person I used to be and keep having thoughts of "maybe we just aren't right for each other and we've been forcing this to last". It's not like the relationship has become too strict or mechanical or anything.. we go out together just to have fun, we call each other randomly in the middle of the day just to talk, we spend lots of time at each others' dwellings. We both still live with our parents, and have been talking about moving in together as soon as I graduate and get a job. There's been talk of children and what we'll name them, how we'll raise them, etc. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman, but I would always be missing something.. maybe it's just excitement. I know everything about her, there's nothing strange about her.. we know each others' little bad habits and how the other thinks. I keep feeling like the spark just isn't there and the relationship is "running on fumes" so to speak.. I feel like she loves me more than I love her, even, and I feel kind of guilty about that.
Now, here's where I screwed up. I should have gotten my feelings straight and made a decision before I took this step. I should have worked out the financial stuff and stopped taking my gf's money to pay my bills, found some way to get on my own feet. But I didn't. I was curious and browsing some personals ads when I stumbled across a gorgeous woman, turning 21 in December, and I shot her an email just to see if she wanted to talk. She did, and we've been exchanging long, deep, emails many times a day. We've been talking online and on the phone, and can hold a conversation for hours. Our life stories are very different but we still connect on so many points and have so much in common. I've yet to meet her in person, but plan to on Sunday. She's the opposite of myself.. high school graduate, no college, full time manager of a retail store but plans to go to school again one day. She's not a girl that you'd stop on the side of the road and go "woah, she's gorgeous" and snap pictures, but she has a very unique beauty to her that drives me crazy every time I look at her pictures. To be honest, it's not even her looks that hooked me.. it's how well we communicate, how we just click on a higher level, how we can complete each others' thoughts and just seem so "right" together. We haven't spoken the "L" word yet, but I'll be completely honest-- I'm completely in love with this woman. The spark, the excitement, the sick feelings when I'm not talking to her, they're all there. I long to hold her and just be with her and just bask in that feeling of being loved and wanted. On top of that, she's a virgin and she's pure.. she wants to wait for marriage and strangely, I completely respect that. If I ended up with her I would wait to marry her before I even thought about it.
I haven't told this new woman about my girlfriend.. I feel guilty because I lied to her, and I also feel guilty because I'm lying to my girlfriend. I usually spend the rest of the day after my gf gets off work with her, so I've told this new woman that I have to work nights and can't talk to her. I told my gf that I may have to take a couple nights a week to spend alone at the library or with a group and study. Of course, I'm not going to study, I'm going to spend time with this new woman.. That excuse is going to have a very short duration, because the semester is almost over. I have to make a decision on who I want to be with quickly. A 5+ year relationship, with families involved and expecting marriage, seems like way too much to just throw away. Their views of me and respect for me would pretty much go out the window.. but then again, who cares if I'm truly in love with this new woman?
I know this may sound kind of dumb to some of you, because it's not a conventional "met this person at x location and ended up falling in love with her" situation, but this is about the EXACT same way I ended up falling for my current gf. Started emailing them IM'ing her because she was a friend of a friend, started talking on the phone, had one date, and been together ever since. It's all a lot more complex than this, but I want to keep it relatively short. Here are my two choices..
1. Stay with my gf while I "feel out" this new girl and find out what she's all about, spend some time in her presence. Who knows, maybe we're really not a perfect fit and it's not going to work out anyone? She's told me she can't imagine not having me in her life, and I can't imagine not having her either. If I decide to stay with my gf, I just tell her I decided to get back with my ex (I told her I had an ex of 5 yrs which recently ended), and we stay friends. If I decide to get with this new girl, I dump my "job" that I supposedly have now, get hired on at her company while I finish school, sell my car (my only liability) and pick up something cheap for the time being, and sign a promisary note to recompensate my gf for all the money she's paid on it so far. Assuming my gf doesn't go and do something irrational.. because she said if I ever dumped her she would probably end her life (and she has tried before, before we were together).
2. Just stop all this now, suck up the pain, hide it deep in my head, and tell the new girl I need a little break so I can get my head right. Tell her I'm getting back with my ex and I don't deserve her. Don't tell my girlfriend that this even happened, and just hope I made the right decision.. live my life knowing I quit on a woman who could have been the love of my life, the mother to my children, and my soulmate..
Any other recommendations are of course welcome.