Question for those who are happily married

[noblehart]

Hi everyone, I have a fairly complicated question for those of you who has or is experiencing a lasting, happy marriage, this is why i'm in this section because i thought i would have a higher chance of finding someone who can relate to this.

a few days ago my girlfriend and I broke up, she says she didn't feel the "chemistry" or click or fit with me, despite the fact that we were very close both emotionally and physically (expect for sex since she's old school) for the 2 months we have been together. i've since started asking questions to a lot of people regarding the meaning behind this chemistry/click feeling that a lot of women seem to have and count on when it comes to relationships. i've been getting all sorts of answers, some had this feeling leading them to disastrous marriages, some relied on this feeling and they are still looking for the "right" on in their 50s, now quite obviously no one wants to go through a divorce in their mid life, or go through a hazardous marriage, or wonder through life without ever finding the right person to be with, and i wondered, what does this feeling mean for those of you who's happily married for a long period of time? and here are the details to my question:

did you have that feeling of click or chemistry when you first met your partner? like did you know right away that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

if yes, after you got to know your partner better character/personality wise, did that knowledge change your initial feeling toward this person? was it fortified? was it diluted?

if not, at what point did you start to have this feeling toward your partner? who started first, and can you explain why you started having this feeling? did your partner's lifestyle/personality help in developing this feeling?

how long did this feeling last after you got married? did it ever fade away at one point? what caused it to fade? and what did you both do to gain it back? knowing that you are still married

and finally, if I were to ask you, between personal quality/matching lifestyle, and having the feeling of mr/mrs right, which one is more important? can the relationship survive or even start without one or another?

I understand this is alot of questions to ask, but I feel that since a happy marriage is my end goal, since I have to come across this important aspect of life, it is best that i learn the most out of this experience. if you could relate to my questions and have a fair understanding of what they represent, please please do share your knowledge with us, also, please kindly tell us how long you have been married for. thank you soo soo very much for sharing your experience with me, i look forward to learn from you guys

[Al Pacino]

I guess married is a fate no less no more .. so there is no need to explain the chemistry or lifestyle/personality between the partener..etc

[Gigabitch]

I hear crickets.

[vashti]

The feeling you are describing is better known as chemistry, and is a result of a chemical process in the body. Studies show that chemistry disappears after a year or two. Once it is gone, it is gone for good. Many people get "addicted" to the feeling, though, which is why they jump from relationship to relationship.

Lasting relationships are not based on chemistry, but rather with the sense of commitment that follows its demise. This is why you hear every now and then about people having a successful marriage after beginning as friends (and even those who didn't like each other at first).

I think it is important for couples to share similar values and life goals if they are to have a strong marriage. Also, a person has to be lucky... Very lucky. Also, "happiness" is a transitory feeling. If you are expecting a long term relationship to look anything like what you had in the first few years on a day-to-day basis, you are bound to be disappointed.

[squirrley]

I agree with Vashti here, to have a truly happiness marriage is such a wide scope of aspects. I dont know of any marriage that is wholy happy. Marriages face unknowns which undoubtly lead to arguements and such. Thats not happiness. Im a living example of what happines WAS until 2 years later. Things do happen and you have to face those issues. Getting through things is a huge accomplishement and it makes the marriage stronger. Sometimes not. What you describe is rare. A fairy tale romance. Two people riding off into the sunset happily ever after, dont see too many of those going on these days.

Its what you make of it and put into it. Marriage is hard damn work even when the love is there.

[Junket]

What I'm curious about is, are there ever times, whether it be for a special occasion or not, that you get a little "rekindling" of those initial emotions?

I'm trying to get used to the idea that this honeymoon phase will eventually come to an end, whether or not I stay with my girlfriend. But, I'd really like to think that all the "feel good" parts of the relationship never really die, but just subside so that a couple can focus on other things.

When I spent an evening with my girlfriend's family, her father was talkin' about how "hot" her mother used to be, and "still is", despite them being in their 60's. That's something I'd like to achieve in my relationship...

[vashti]

I think you definitely remember how hot things were in the beginning, and you get the warmies remembering back, but really, the person you are when you first marry is very different from the person you will be in 20, 30, 40 years, and the person you marry will be very different, too. Ideally, the people you grow into are compatible with each other, and chemistry is replaced with a more mature kind of love.

For the record, my husband still says I am hot.

[Junket]

For the record, my husband still says I am hot.

That's what I needed to hear.

I'm beginning to look ahead in terms of my relationship with my girlfriend. A year ago, I definitely wouldn'tve been able to say "I love you". But with each passing day of our 1 year dating anniversary coming up (I don't celebrate that silly 6 month shit), I feel more and more sure about saying those words.

In another year, we'll see where we are, and maybe we'll be movin' closer...or even in with each other.

If we don't break up that is, and so far, I can't see any reason why either of us would feel the want to. In fact, the idea of it seems pretty ridiculous right now. She's seen the worst side of me, the worst. Remember that bullshit I was goin' through last winter? Even though it all blew over without her hearin' a peep, I had to tell her, and not only has she accepted me, but she's helped me through it.

I love that girl, man....

[vashti]

You should tell her. It would mean a lot to her, I'm sure.

[misombra]

a good woman is hard to find. i know you'll do good by her.

[artyemi]

Wow, I feel like I'm missing so many juicy stuff around here. I think couples still in their honeymoon phase are soooooo cute. They're just so high up there.

I'm surrounded by women in their 50s who have been married for a very long time, and each of them have their own heart issues. My boss was having an affair but still loves her husband in a very different way. The other woman is happily married, but still walks by the gas truck just in case she sees the man she's still in love with.

[IndiReloaded]

I hear crickets.

I thought Happily Married was an oxymoron?

[Junket]

I thought Happily Married was an oxymoron?

I'd like to challenge that stereotype.

My plan is to keep an active lifestyle with my wife.

However, I'm beginning to rethink wanting to have kids because it would be difficult to manage such an active lifestyle without being tied to one place.

I think it's perfectly possible to not get fully settled once you get married. A good way to start is to not have a stupid expensive wedding and ridiculously expensive honeymoon that you'll have to work on paying off for the next 10 years.

[squirrley]

I knew the honeymoon phase wouldnt last. But we still have some incredible moments which I treasure. I think down the road were going to have many more. We just mature and grow together and moments become more special as we mature and the relationship grows. My husband tells me after almost 3 years how great things are despite other issues. But a relationship has ups and downs its getting through those downs that makes the relationship stronger and the connection better!

[IndiReloaded]

However, I'm beginning to rethink wanting to have kids because it would be difficult to manage such an active lifestyle without being tied to one place.

Just to be clear, this isn't at all selfish. Its smart. Once you have children your life is no longer your own. I wish more ppl got this before the way you have.

A good way to start is to not have a stupid expensive wedding and ridiculously expensive honeymoon that you'll have to work on paying off for the next 10 years.

We never did a big wedding & I don't regret it for a second. We were able to purchase a new first car in cash, which we needed for our coming child, and have a good DP for our first house. Again, you are smart, Fras. I just hope Amy agrees, b/c these kinds of money issues are just the kinds of things that young couples argue over. But from all you've said, she seems very sensible.