in love with another guy but still in a relationship

[lovepolis]

Hi guys,

I am currently in a relationship with my bf of 6 years. But recently in my graduate school, i met someone i am so attracted to. Hes my prof. Hes really talented and i look up to him a lot. I am doing my masters my thesis project will be under him. We should be abt 10 years apart or less.I still love my bf...but i am also really attracted to this new guy in my life. My tutor is Single and absolutely charming. I am not sure if hes interested in me, but i know he likes my work a lot : P. Anyone caught in the same situation? What should i do? Is this a crush or what?

[vashti]

Many, many people get crushes on their professors or tutors. You get to see them at their absolute best: teaching a subject they love! The professors who are reasonably good-looking and talented at what they do must get a dozen students with crushes on them every semester. If he is a good professor, he will pretend he doesn't notice. It can jeapordize his career to pursue romantic involvement with a student. It is considered unethical due to the power imbalance, and besides, he is probably married or involved with someone.

I think if you can't get over your crush, you should consider finding someone else to do your master's thesis with. I've seen lots of women humiliate themselves over these crushes.

(Ironically, if you could meet these professors outside their teaching environment, you would probably find them much less interesting.)

[lovepolis]

hi vashti
hes a very popular prof...and i think i wont change to another prof because its difficult as i am already in the mid of my semester.

I am not sure if i am overly sensitive...but he favours me a lot more than my other friends, in terms of his critque on my work.When we converse in emails, it gets kinda informal... like using and stuff. Maybe if i know hes not interested in me....i will not be that interested as well...but hes really attractive.....i feel really bad towards my current bf...no one knows abt this...just gotta let out in this forum...SOMEONE HELP! thanks in advance

[Only-virgins]

Kinda gross. I feel sorry for your boyfriend.

[Illusional]

i think that i'd better switch professions.

raverboy

[Only-virgins]

i think that i'd better switch professions.

raverboy

You won't have that problem, she said attractive.

[lovepolis]

honestly, i never imagine myself feeling this way for a tutor. But i just sense vibes when hes around....whats that suppose to mean? Gross?...i know i shouldnt be feeling this way since i am attached, but can u control your own feelings? by the way, nothing happened between me and my tutor. he doesnt even know any of this and he is still very profession in handling matters...well, may even just be a one sided thing. Just needed some advice as to how to get rid of this feeling Hes really talented and as my thesis advisor, i am reluntant to change tutor...

[Moonchild]

hi vashit
hes a very popular prof...and i think i wont change to another prof because its difficult as i am already in the mid of my semester.

I am not sure if i am overly sensitive...but he favours me a lot more than my other friends, in terms of his critque on my work.When we converse in emails, it gets kinda informal... like using and stuff. Maybe if i know hes not interested in me....i will not be that interested as well...but hes really attractive.....i feel really bad towards my current bf...no one knows abt this...just gotta let out in this forum...SOMEONE HELP! thanks in advance

Even without any interest in someone outside that professional relationship, things can get /very/ informal with professors. Heck, my Computer Science advisor and I usually talk about stuff that has nothing to do with my major--what's the best joke we've heard lately and how many meal swipes I have left (since I tend to avoid the dining hall, it's always hilarious when I have 116 or so left at the end of the semester after being given only 200-ish to start with). But that doesn't mean there's any interest there--heck, that guy's older than my dad. It's possible to be friendly with someone in that position, always, because people are people. For someone to say "work talk only" when you're interacting with them to that degree is a little silly. And, like everyone you interact with, there are people you get along with better than others. That's probably the case for him--he can see you as a nice person with good interests, and he doesn't mind getting a little off-topic. So chances are that he has no romantic interest in you at all. And even if he did, there's no way he'd want to take that risk. It's supposed to be a professional relationship, and his job could be at stake if he takes it further than that. Also, you don't know what his personal life is like. School is not the only thing advisors have, and you have to admit that you have no window into his personal life. This was touched at some above, I think... And there might be someone from that personal life that he likes. Not only that, but at this stage, you can't be sure that the feeling won't fade. And if you try anything and ruin what you have with your boyfriend, and it /does/ fade, you'll have ruined something you were happy with. Also, in hypothetical, if you were to tell this advisor how you're feeling, he would probably turn you down. Then you'll be dealing with rejection, you'll be dealing with a suddenly formal relationship with this person you were getting along with so well, and you'll know that he knows, which is the worst part. It's an embarrassing thing, and you'd likely end up trying to switch. I think you should take this relationship for what it is--you get along with someone who happens to be your advisor. Even with the slight chance of something more, it is not a risk worth taking.

[Illusional]

You won't have that problem, she said attractive.

dammit, there goes my dreams, right out the window along with everything else.

raverboy

[DoesntMatter]

I like my math TA, she's really cute and has a great body. It isn't a crush by any means though. I feel like I can't get a crush anymore even if I tried, let alone on someone 4 years older than me. I pretty much just want to bone her. I'm 18 and she's probably 22 or so.

So my situation is different from yours but is similar to some degree. Considering it sounds like a kind of new crush it might develop more if you are going to be "doing a thesis project under him".

[IndiReloaded]

Many, many people get crushes on their professors or tutors. You get to see them at their absolute best: teaching a subject they love! The professors who are reasonably good-looking and talented at what they do must get a dozen students with crushes on them every semester. If he is a good professor, he will pretend he doesn't notice.

+1

And if he IS flirting w/you (winking, etc) then you'd best run fast b/c he is NOT being professional.

But I suspect you are reading more into his actions than is really there. Either way, avoid the situation.

If you two really *are* into each other, it should wait until you are no longer a student. I say this b/c prof-grad student pairings DO happen, but it is rare.

PS, you called Vash 'VaSHIT', lol. You'd better say sorry.

[lovepolis]

my thesis project is over 2 whole semesters...i am just in the middle of the first. I really dont think i wanna risk my thesis grade and his job. So i wont be doing anything about it. Just needed to let out my secret here so i feel better. BUT I AM STILL SoOoooOOOOO ATTRACTED. If he makes a move after my thesis project.....what should i do?

PS: vashti, so sorry abt the spelling of your nick.

[vashti]

I think being attracted to multiple people is normal. Who says you can't simply *enjoy* the attraction? Just know your boundaries, and don't cross them. Don't ask for any special treatment, and avoid being alone. This is more for YOUR sake than his. It will help keep you from doing something silly you will regret later.

[Ellynn]

I know how you are feeling. I felt this way a lot last yr....and up until earlier this year. I had a thing for my instructor and everytime I saw him, it just made my feelings grow more intense. But, I had a break from him over summer and most of this semester. It's helped a lot. I have him next semester for classes and in a way I am dreading it. I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again and have become interested in other people. I just hope those feelings don't come back, because trust me, I know how strong they can be. The weird part is when those feelings pop up and your not even looking for anything.

I think it has a lot to do with looking up to them and admiring them. Then, if they make you feel good about yourself through your hard work(which teachers are supposed to do), you tend to mix those feelings with other strong feelings.... Plus, it doesn't hurt if the guy is attractive and makes YOU feel like your accomplishing a lot. But, bottom line is that when they leave their job at school, they have a whole other life going on. In my case, he had a gf with whom he is very serious with. (They are talking marriage soon.) I, on the other hand, am not even in a relationship. So, being lonely and combined with those good feelings he brought out, I figured out why I became attracted to him to begin with. Also, he was a tad flirty.... He gave me the attention I craved....that I needed, to feel like I was doing a good job. He definately took notice and sometimes I would catch him just staring at me... That really messed with my mind.
But either way, I know its best to let that go. He has a gf who obviously loves him very much and he is with her for a reason. Same goes for your bf. How do you think he would feel if you were pining away for your professor? And, what makes you so sure your professor isn't in a relationship of his own? As some of the others have pointed out, are you sure you would feel the same about him outside of school? Honestly.....think about this. Is it worth throwing your current relationship away even if there are no guarantees that you will end up with him?

If anything, just chalk it up to a meaningless crush. Everyone gets them. But, it's definately something I wouldn't act on, unless he acts on it first. If he does, then thats your time to worry about what you actually WOULD do. But in the meantime, keep it professional.

[lovepolis]

Hi Ellynn,

yeah i think u know how i feel. Hes got facebook and i saw from his status that hes single and not in a relationship. I love my bf a lot...hes been in my life for 6 whole years....i dont intend to give this up for someone whom i just got to know. But the problem here is that i am seeing myself having feelings for two guys at the same time. I cant help myself . Sometimes i really hope hes married or attached...knowing that will stop me from having feelings for him. Should i even add him on facebook?....